Complete Fictional Works of Washington Irving (Illustrated) (248 page)

ACT I, SCENE
II

(A room in the village Inn — a round table and chairs. Andreas speaking from without)

Andreas
Come; come along my boys; I tell you it’s not too late. Ods-blood! a’nt! King of the Sharpshooters — and Ranger of the forest that is to be? (
Banging at the door
—
pounding it open and swaggering into the room)
— Who dares to set up doors to keep out jolly fellows?’S-blood! when I’m Upper Forester, as I mean to be in the fullness of time, we’ll have no doors in the forest.

First Hunter
Enough, good Andreas! Come, it’s getting late. Old Christopher will give us no more wine — and we must be home.

Andreas
Enough!’S-blood, man! it’s never enough while there’s penny in pouch and bottle in cellar.’S-blood, a’nt! King of Sharpshooters? Mustn’t I drink my rounds and bring all the Inns in my dominion into proper order? Damme, Sir, I mean to rule by drinking, and my court shall be composed of none but jolly red noses. Halloa! house! house! bottles! bottles! Full bottles, and behanged to ye!

Second Hunter
Well, well — one bottle more, Master Andreas; but it must be only one bottle. Recollect how far we have to go.

Andreas
To go? Who talks of going? Damme, if any man shall go in my dominions! Every man shall be carried. House! house! bottles! bottles, I say!

ENTER MARIAN

Marian
What did you please to want, gentlemen?

Andreas
Want — gentlemen? No, my dear, we don’t want gentlemen, but we have no objection to ladies. So come, my pretty Marian, let’s have a taste of your quality.
(Kisses her).
Ods-blood! she smacks like her father’s own wine. Aye, and bounces too like a bottle of beer. Egad, I must have another taste! (
She struggles).

Marian
Let me alone — let me alone, I say — you wild man of the woods!
ENTER CHRISTOPHER, MARIAN’S FATHER

Christopher
Hoity toity! What’s all this? Who’s making such a riot in the house?

Andreas
Who? Why, the King of Sharpshooters, damme — going his rounds to taste all the old wine and young lips in the forest.

Christopher
What! is it you, Master Andreas?

Andreas
Me? — no, it’s not me — for they say I’m not myself today; but if I’m a man beside myself, why, damme, I must have double the quantity of wine. So bottles, bottles, old boy!

Christopher
Long life to you, Master Andreas — you shall have wine as long as there is a bottle in my cellar —
(aside)
— and a dollar in your pocket.

Andreas
And harkee, old slabber-chops — none of your damned thin cold Bohemian swampy stuff that lays a man’s heart under water; but the juice of real old fiery Hungarian grape — that kindles one up like touchwood.

Christopher
You shall have it — you shall have it, Master Andreas. I know how to treat a good customer. Here, Marian (
gives her a key)
— from the south side of the cellar. (
Exit Marian).
Ah, Master Andreas, good luck to you —— it did my heart good to see you carry off the prize today. I like to see jolly fellows succeed —— it all comes of good drinking — there’s nothing clears one’s sight like old wine.

First Hunter
Egad, I never heard that before!

Christopher
It makes one see double at least; and that comes to the same thing, I take it.

Andreas
‘S-blood! old Kit’s right — and that’s another good reason for drinking hard tonight — that I may see better tomorrow. (
Enter Marian with wine and glasses).
So come, bumpers, bumpers! (
Filling the glasses)
— and here, old Kit, you shall be my taster, to show that there’s no poison.

Christopher
(Taking the glass)
Ah, bless your jolly heart! Well, here’s success to you tomorrow!

Hunters
(Taking their glasses)
Aye — success to Andreas!

Andreas
Thank you, my boys. ‘S-blood! if I become Ranger we’ll have rare times on’t. There’ll be a wet spell set in, I’ll warrant you.

Christopher
Well, I always wish success to good customers and jolly drinkers. I’ve no idea of these steady fellows, as they call men like Albert. Their virtue is a pitiful dry quality and no friend to us publicans.

Andreas
When I come to be Upper Forester, look you —— as I mean to be, now I’ve got my hand in — we’ll have no virtuous men in these parts — damme — none but jolly companions and hard drinkers. Come boys — a song! a song in praise of jolly old wine.

GLEE
(Caspar enters during the chorus and stands to one side observing them with malignant satisfaction)

Caspar
Aye, here’s my man! Just the proper vein, too — flush’d to the eyes with wine and vanity. Good evening, comrades. I hope there’s no intrusion. You’ve drawn me hither by your merriment, for, faith, you make the old forest ring again!

Andreas
Ah Caspar! — my cock of the woods. What! at your old tricks — owling in the dark? Come, sit down here, man.’S-blood! you shall drink, sup and let free, and for once be merry in honor of the King of Sharpshooters!

Caspar
With all my heart, boy! Think you I’ve no soul in me, because I will not lend my company to all the riff-raff of the forest? No; give me but companions like yourself — freehearted blades and lads of pith and mettle, and by the lord, I’ll drink with them till cock-crowing.

Andreas
Say you so? why, then you’re my right-hand man. Here’s Karl and little Hans Handaside are talking of deserting me — let ’em go, if they will. You and I’ll two-by-two it together, and ‘s-blood! we’ll have a night of it!

Caspar
Agreed — and to begin I’ll give you a toast.
(Fills).
Here’s Success to merry souls and sharpshooters!
(They all drink).

Andreas
Meaning me, no doubt. Thank ye, thank ye.’S-blood! hand over another bottle.
(Exit Christopher).
This is amazing dry wine; there’s no keeping our lips moist with it.

A Hunter
And now, comrades, before we go, let us have a parting song. Come — that song you sung last night as we came thro the forest. I dare say Caspar has never heard it.

Andreas
What! my “Three joys of life?” You shall have it. Look you, Master Caspar, I’m called a
re-raw
kind of a fellow — but I have my creed, as this song will show you.

Caspar
I don’t doubt it; and I like a random fellow that is irregular according to method. So come —— your “Three joys of life.”

SONG BY ANDREAS
(After first couplet they all applaud)

Caspar
Aye, aye — all the ills of life vanish before the jolly god. So come, I’ll give you another toast.
(Fills round).
Here’s to the heart that fills as the bottle empties.
(They drink).

Andreas
Meaning me, no doubt — thank ye, thank ye, Caspar.’S-blood! who’d have thought you had been a lad of this mettle!

Caspar
And now, my boy, at it again — I’ll wager I guess your second joy — or you’re not the cheery fellow I take ye for.
(Andreas sings second verse).

Caspar
I was sure that would be it. Aye, there’s nothing after all like the dear creatures. Life’s naught without ‘em. Come, I’ll give you another toast: May the girl of your heart be as true as your rifle.
(They drink).

ENTER MARIAN WITH ANOTHER BOTTEE

Andreas
Thank ye, thank ye, Master Caspar. Here’s to the lasses — and, egad, here’s pretty Marian just in time to share the toast. (
Kisses her. She resists).
Old Kit, this daughter of yours is devilish hard on the trigger and kicks like an old musket.

Christopher
A young thing — a young thing — she’ll know better by-and-by. Go to, girl — there’s no harm now and then in a civil kiss.
(Aside)
—— from a good customer.
(Exit Marian).

Caspar
Now, comrade, your third joy.

(Andreas sings).

Caspar
A good finale too — women, wine and play. Give me your hand, comrade. Faith, you are not merely the King of Sharpshooters, but the King of good fellows into the bargain.

Christopher
That’s what he is — as my cellar can bear witness. And so, gentlemen, with your leave I’ll suggest to you one toast before you break up — May every Sharpshooter be able to pay his shot.

Andreas
Out upon him! out upon him! A publican’s toast — a publican’s toast! (
They drive him out in sport).

First Hunter
Well, comrade, it’s getting late. ’Tis near eleven; we must be off. (
They rise).

Caspar
What! you will not leave us, lads?

Second Hunter
We must; we have to be at the Hunting Lodge early in the morning. The Duke will be on the ground soon after sunrise.

Caspar
Well, ere you go, one round to the success of our friend here — and may tomorrow’s trial make him Ranger of the forest.

Hunters
With all our hearts. Success attend you, Andreas!

Caspar
Oh never doubt — the place is his for certain. (
Exeunt hunters).

Andreas
(Half drunk)
I’m not quite sure of that, comrade. Between ourselves, the more I drink, it seems the more I doubt. This wine has potent reason in it. I begin to see clearly (
blinking a little),
that fellow Albert’s a devil of a marksman.

Caspar
And so are you.

Andreas
That’s admitted, friend; there’s no disputing that — I’m King of the Sharpshooters — that’s enough.

Caspar
And Albert, if you recollect, did not get a single star today.

Andreas
That’s true again; and no less strange than true, considering what a shot he is.

Caspar
I hear he has been unsuccessful for this week past; depend on it, he’s out of luck — he’ll miss tomorrow.

Andreas
Maybe so — maybe so; but I doubt it. I’m an unlucky dog and never won any prize in my life before today. But what care I if he does get the place of Ranger —
that
for the place!
(Snaps his fingers).
Damme, I’ve got credit yet at some of the Inns, and when that’s run out, why I’ll off to the wars. There’s rare living, I’m told, in camp.

Caspar
Aye, rare living indeed — to lie on the ground, drink sour wine and be obliged to fall into the ranks instead of roving about like a deer of the forest. Why, the place of Ranger would be the making of you — you might then be your own master — live like a prince — drink your six bottles a day, man!

Andreas
‘S-blood! that’s true — there’s sound reason in that — six bottles a day!

Caspar
Aye, and you might have “the laughing girl with roguish eye” that you were singing about just now.

Andreas
Fire and perils! — but I’d take up my quarters in old Kit’s castle here — I’d marry Marian and take all the bottles in the cellar into keeping!

Caspar
Aye, or what say you to Bertha, for instance —— is not she a choice girl?

Andreas
Softly, comrade; tender on that point, if you please. You know I had a sneaking kindness for the girl, but this Albert cut us all out. No matter, that’s an old affair — I’ve poured so many bottles on it that it’s quite drowned, and you must not fish it up again.

Caspar
(Increasing in earnestness)
And do you know so little of the sex? Or do you think so meanly of yourself? Faith, man, the girl’s within your reach—’tis your own fault if you don’t make her yours. What made her give the preference to Albert? A woman’s vanity! He was the talk and boast of all the forest — the first of marksmen. Well, he has lost his skill. You’ve carried off the palm and been the hero of the triumph. Shoot but tomorrow as you have today and you are Ranger of the forest.

Andreas
Well, and what then?

Caspar
What then? Why, change of fortunes changes minds. You’ve plucked the feather out of Albert’s cap that made him everything in Bertha’s eyes. Think you when she beholds you Ranger of the forest — prais’d by the hunters, courted by the women — (
Andreas chuckles
). Turn ‘round man, let me look at ye. Faith, the very fellow to please a woman’s fancy. Zounds! the case is clear — Albert will stand no chance against you.

Andreas
Well, supposing all this true — which I dare say it is — do you not recollect that Bertha is engaged — positively engaged, man?

Caspar
And did ye not hear what Conrad said to Albert this evening, man? If he fails in the trial the engagement is at an end, for she can marry none but one who can succeed him in his hereditary office of Grand Forester. And will you not be the very man when you are Ranger and first marksman? And will she not gladly make a merit of obedience and take the man her father chooses for her? To be sure she will.