Complete Fictional Works of Washington Irving (Illustrated) (246 page)

Abu Hassan
The storm is not yet over. Did not you say something about a wager?

Mesrour
Certainly. The Commander of the Faithful informed Zobeide of Fatima’s death; but she insisted it was you who were dead. The Caliph was too sure of the fact to give up, and Zobeide —— she is a woman, and a Sultana into the bargain — how then could she be in the wrong?

Abu Hassan
By the braid of the great prophet! I wish she was not — and that my dear Fatima were once more alive — though I must confess, poor dear soul, she did sometimes plague me a little.

Mesrour
Ah, she was a young thing — young — well —— and giddy. You need not remember her faults with censure. At length the Caliph offered to bet, and the wager was closed with great heat on both sides. He sets his pleasure garden against Zobeide’s picture palace.

Abu Hassan
No one has more reason than I to lament that the good lady should lose her picture palace; but what are dead pictures in comparison with a living beauty like Fatima!

Mesrour
She is dead — so much the worse for thee, if thy grief is really from thy heart; but so much the better for the Caliph. I must hasten, therefore, to carry him the joyful tidings. (
Abu Hassan
accompanies him through the centre door).

Fatima
(Sitting up)
I had hard work to keep from laughing. (
To Abu Hassan
as he enters)
— I’m glad he’s gone.

Abu Hassan
Aye, he’s off as fast as his legs can carry him to take the pleasant tidings to the Caliph.

Fatima
(Rising from the couch)
Pleasant?

Abu Hassan
I mean merely on account of the wager.

Fatima
Who knows whether he would not rather have lost it. But you owe me an inquiry and then a formal apology for your suspicion.

Fatima
Yes, with respect to the key and the closet.

Abu Hassan
(After a moment’s thought)
Well, well; let that rest for the present; we are not yet out of this scrape, for Zobeide will not be satisfied with the mere testimony of the Upper Chamberlain. (
During this speech he approaches the window and suddenly stops before it).
— Here we have it! Quick! quick! — make ready! (
He throws himself on the other couch).

Fatima
Why, what’s the matter?

Abu Hassan
Zemrud — the old nurse!

Fatima
Who?

Abu Hassan
Don’t ask, but cover me with the brocade.

Fatima
(Spreads the brocade over him, lays her turban on his face and then sits beside him) She does not come yet. (Listens). — I
believe I hear her panting. (
Enter Zemrud
—
stands at the door, astonished)
. — Ah, is it you, good Zemrud?

Zemrud
(Without listening to her)
Now this is too much! This Mesrour and his impertinence make me mad! Did he not swear that the living was dead and the dead was living? Now I am only curious to know what kind of death the Caliph will put him to.

Fatima
You speak of the Upper Chamberlain — what has he said?

Zemrud
What has he said? His scandalous tongue has murdered you. He swore by the Holy tomb that it was not your husband but yourself that was dead.

Fatima
Would to Allah that I lay here instead of him.

Zemrud
No — no — would to Allah no such thing! Better that ten men should die than one woman. What! Wouldst thou that our protectress should lose thee and her picture palace at one blow? Nay, that would be too much. But come — let me look at the worthy Abu Hassan for an instant, that I may swear with a good conscience he is dead.

Fatima
(Raises the turban)
Since you wish it, look here and weep. Here lies not merely Abu Hassan but Fatima also — her better self — the soul of her soul.

Zemrud
Poor Abu Hassan! Poor Fatima! But bless me — why, he looks just as if he were asleep. Why, he does not look at all like other worthy dead people. Why, I should hardly think him dead if I did not know it.

Fatima
It is the same with me, I’ll assure you, — I can hardly consider myself a widow — a widow —— most wretched of all beings! (
Weeps).

Zemrud
Ah, well-a-day, well-a-day. (
Weeps with Fatima
—
then suddenly in a common tone
) — There, now I must go — the Sultana will be all impatience for my return. Nay, nay (
patting Fatima on the cheek),
cheer up my child — cheer up. Never take the loss of one husband so much to heart.

Fatima
Ah, but such a husband!

Zemrud
Why, truly he was a good personable man — a handsome man — but then he had his faults —— I never could endure his nose.

Fatima
His nose I confess was faulty.

Zemrud
Oh, abominable! But he was a tolerable looking man for all that — a good-natured man, excepting that he was a little passionate.

Fatima
Yes, I must confess he was a little passionate.

Zemrud
Oh he was fire and touchwood — as a brush heap in a blaze — I never could abide his temper; but yet he was a good kind of a man — very merry, very fond of his joke — excepting that he sometimes joked a little out of season.

Fatima
Yes, I confess his jokes were sometimes ill timed.

Zemrud
Oh, intolerable! I never could bear his jokes —— yet the man after all was well enough — but mercy on us, — not a man for such a pretty young widow as you to break your heart about. But Abu Hassan — pshaw! he was not the only man in the world. For instance, there’s that young — but no matter now, — another time will do. We’ll then speak of him and of twenty others. (
During this conversation Abu Hassan
now and then peeps below and shakes his fist from under the brocade, unseen by Zemrud).
— Now, farewell my dear child, but don’t cry so much; it hurts the eyes.
(Going).
— I can’t get that accursed Upper Chamberlain out of my thoughts. But patience — patience!
(Goes with Fatima through the centre door).

Abu Hassan
(Sits up)
Fire and furies! What it is to hear what’s said of one after death! The cursed old babbling beldame, with her young fellow — and twenty more!
(To Fatima, as she returns).
Now, who has the old woman nominated as my successor?

Fatima
She was today more discreet and silent than common; but — between ourselves — I begin to wish that thou wert really dead, for I should be very sorry to be caught in a lie.

Abu Hassan
A right womanlike conscientiousness, but our best wishes are not always fulfilled; therefore prepare yourself in time, and be steadfast; and what is still more needful, be discreet.

Fatima, Abu Hassan, Omar Fatima
.
Now the mischief is completing;
From this scrape there’s no retreating.
Oh how my poor heart is beating —
Would the danger were well o’er!

Abu Hassan
. — Now our farce is fast completing;
None must think now of retreating,
So away with all heart-beating,
Soon the frolick will be o’er.

Omar
Now my misery is completing;
From this trap there’s no retreating.
Oh! fear a hearty beating
My poor back and shoulders o’er!

Abu Hassan
Come, die bravely!

Fatima
Can you joke me?

Abu Hassan
Pluck up heart!

Fatima
My terrors choke me! How I tremble!

Abu Hassan
You provoke me; Give these silly terrors o’er!
(March heard at a distance)

Fatima
Hark! I hear a distant drumming!

Abu Hassan
Now be brave — your courage rouse.

Fatima
(Calling his attention to the sound) Don’t you hear?

Abu Hassan
(Goes to the window)
Aye! Aye! They’re coming!

Fatima
(Also at the window)
The Sultana!

Abu Hassan
And her spouse!

Fatima Abu Hassan, Omar Fatima
Dismal terrors quite o’ercome me;
I’ve no longer heart nor head —

Abu Hassan
Let not terror quite o’ercome thee,
Now’s the time to task your head.

Omar
Zounds, how terrors o’ercome me!
How shall I dare shew my head!

Abu Hassan
Quickly! quickly! dead and dumb be!

Fatima
Ah, already I’m half dead!

Abu Hassan
Both must be upon our death bed,
Then completed will the Hum be!

Fatima
Oh! ‘m in a mortal fright!

Abu Hassanand Omar
Silence! Silence!

Abu Hassan
Hush! Good night!

All
Hush! Good night!

LAST SCE
NE

(The attendants of the Caliph and Zobeide enter and arrange themselves so that the two couches remain in sight)

Chorus
Bow your heads and lift your voices; Set the doors all open wide; He comes who every heart rejoices, — Haroun with his beauteous bride!
(At the end of the chorus enter the Caliph, Zobeide, Mesrour and Zemrud. At the entrance of the Caliph all the attendants kneel. Mesrour points to the divan on which Fatima lies and at the same time Zemrud points to that on which is Abu Hassan. Both approach them eagerly)

Caliph
Now look for yourself — have I been misinformed? (
Makes signs to the attendants to rise).

Zobeide
How! Have I lost my wager?

Caliph
(Starts back with alarm)
What do I see — both dead? Abu Hassan —— My favorite Abu Hassan dead!

Zobeide
My dear Fatima a corpse — Oh, lamentable!
Caliph
This is one of the heaviest misfortunes. It surpasses even the loss of poor Zara, my favorite green monkey. Ah, poor Abu Hassan — he was the most expensive favorite I ever had, I must confess, and cost me ten times as much as my poor Zara that used to break all the china in the palace; but he was a merry soul — I would he were alive again.

Mesrour
Commander of the Faithful (
pointing to the table),
here lie papers which may throw some light upon his death. (
Hands them to the Caliph).

Caliph
(Looking at them)
Mere accounts and notes of hand which Abu Hassan apparently had arranged before his death. Poor fellow — they say he kept his accounts admirably — the only trouble was, he never discharged them.
(Hands them to Zobeide).

Zobeide
A very considerable amount, which must have far exceeded the means of the young couple.

Caliph
Ah, Abu Hassan had always a talent for the ways and means. No gentleman could run in debt more intrepidly. But now to settle our wager — there’s the perplexing point. Fatima told you of her husband’s death — he told me of hers. Which of them was first dead?

Zobeide
Abu Hassan. Your pleasure garden is mine.
Caliph
And I maintain that Fatima died first, and I condole with you on the loss of your beautiful picture gallery.

Zemrud
What has that black babbler now to say for himself — which died first, the wife or husband? I maintain that I saw Abu Hassan stretched on his bed and his wife weeping over him.

Mesrour
And I say the very opposite of what you say; therefore I say the truth. I maintain that I saw Fatima dead, and comforted Abu Hassan on his loss.

Zemrud
I’ve no patience with this ugly wretch who dares to contradict me and deceive the Caliph. Commander of the Faithful, can you endure it, that such a monster should abuse the nurse of your Sultana? If he is not hanged on the spot I’ll tear his eyes out!

Caliph
Cease your quarrelling! None of us can decide who is in the right. But I hate uncertainty and I swear by the great prophet I will give a thousand gold pieces to whoever will prove who died first — Abu Hassan or his wife.

Abu Hassan
(Sitting up )
Commander of the Faithful, I claim the reward, for I died first.

All
(Except the Caliph and Zobeide, start back with dismay)
Allah preserve us!

Caliph and Zobeide What’s this?

Abu Hassan
Your favour only can waken me to life — if, however, thine eyes are turned upon me in anger I am once more a dead man.

Caliph
Rise and explain to me this riddle.

Abu Hassan
(Throwing himself at the Caliph’s feet)
The explanation is simple. — The daintiness of my palate wherewith my better-half wonderfully sympathized, brought me thus early to the grave.

Zobeide
But thy wife?

Abu Hassan
A friendly word from thee will also bring her back from the world of shadows.

Zobeide
Fatima!

Fatima
(Sitting up)
My protectress!

Zobeide
Art thou awake?

Fatima
(Kneels before Zobeide)
If your eyes give me a pardon as a morning’s salutation.

Caliph
(To Abu Hassan and Fatima)
Rise! Tell me then, how came you to resort to this whimsical project?

Abu Hassan
Commander of the Faithful, thou and thy spouse have overloaded us with benefits which we have squandered away with merry hearts. The consequence was that we were compelled to have recourse to usurers; but at length these would lend no more and nothing remained for our miserable dinner but bread and water.

Caliph
I understand! In this way you could inform us of your necessities. But how was it possible for you to pay off these bonds?

Abu Hassan
Sire, they are not discharged. One of my creditors, who presented Fatima with his love, brought these papers to her and offered them as the price of her favour.

Caliph
Name the wretch to me!

Abu Hassan
(Opens the cabinet and draws forth Omar) Omar, thy Banker!

Omar
(Falling at the Caliph’s feet)
Thy humblest slave!

Caliph
Scoundrel! Darest thou to steal into the dwelling of my favorite to destroy domestic happiness? Thank my kindness that I do not punish thy offence with death. Out of my sight!
(Omar sneaks off). (To Mesrour
). — Order my treasurer to pay to Abu Hassan the thousand gold pieces.

Abu Hassan
Commander of the Faithful, thou hast awakened me from the grave. By this new favour you have acquired a double right to my gratitude.

Zobeide
Zemrud, you must pay the like sum to Fatima. I will take care in future that your wants shall be supplied without a sham death.

Fatima
I have not words to express my thanks.

Abu Hassan
Am I not the shrewdest of all dead men? The simple folks let themselves be laid upon their bier without any future object; but I knew well what I was about — I had not the slightest inclination to remain dead, but only died — to gain a living!

Curtain