Committed (9 page)

It was
like
time in the bar
suddenly stood still. They were both staring at
me
with their mouths open, thinking that someone must have spiked my beer.

“What?” Sam finally asked.

“It’s not what I want to do with my life. It’s never
been what
I
wanted to do. This all started out as
me
wanting to get into shape and build some confidence in
myself.
I
did both of those things. I want to finish
out this tournament, take the number one spot and then I want to be done.”

“Braxton, do you realize what you’re saying, what
you would be giving up?” Sam asked. I actually felt bad about Sam,
like
I was doing this to him. He really did teach
me
everything I knew and I knew that he had dreams of being
a trainer to someone who fought in the MMA.
I
had to
keep reminding myself that I never let him believe that was an option for me.
I
told him from the start how I felt about it.

“Yeah, Sam, I do. It’s a great offer and
I
’m sorry for the part you’ll be losing out on too, I really
am. It’s just not going to be enough to make
me
happy
making my living beating people up or getting beat up. I have a
pretty good
head on my shoulders and I think…no, I’m sure
that I’ll be able to use it to make a pretty decent living someday. I don’t
want to end up like some of these old boxers you see who can barely put two
sentences together because of how many times they’ve been beat in the head over
the years. I’ve thought about it a lot, I really have, and I’m sure it’s not
how I want to spend my life.”

“Do you want more money?” Scottie asked.
“A longer contract, a shorter contract?”

I
sighed, frustrated. He and Sam just couldn’t believe that as good as
I
was at this I didn’t want it to be my life.

“No,”
I
told him. “I don’t
want any money.
I
’ve made a lot of cash already,
enough to do what I wanted to do with it. Your offer was more than generous. I
just don’t want to do it.”

“Is this because of the new girlfriend? Is she
discouraging you from doing this?” Sam wanted to know. His big bushy eyebrows
were scrunched together in the middle
like
he was
ready to say something bad about her if I said yes. It made
me
angry even though he didn’t say it.
I
felt like he was
thinking
Emmi
was some kind of manipulative bitch who
was out to destroy my life by making me change my life for her. Not that it was
their business, but
I
would. If she asked
me
, I’d change my life for her. She didn’t ask
me
though. This was
my
decision.

“No, this has nothing to do with
Emmi
,
Sam.
 
It’s about
me
.
I
never wanted to do this forever and you know that.
I
told you that a long time ago before I even met
Emmi
. Sometimes you only hear what you want to. You guys
don’t have to look for someone to blame here. This is all me.”

“Braxton, if you turn this offer down, I won’t bring
it back to you again. It’s a one shot deal so be very, very sure you know what
you’re doing when you say no. I have a job to do and the second I know for sure
you’re not taking this, I have to start looking for someone else.”

“I understand that and I appreciate your patience
and you giving me a few days to think it over.
I
’m not
going to change my mind though and call you back in a week.
I
’m
sure about this. You can consider me out of it now and do what you have to do.”

Sam looked like he wanted to cry, Scottie was
shaking his head
like
he just couldn’t believe it and
me…I was happy to know that I was good enough for them to offer.
I
was thrilled that I had the sense of believing in myself
and knowing I could do whatever I put my mind to in spite of my upbringing.
Even with all of that in
my
head, I was mostly just
ecstatic about
Emmi
telling me that she loved me.

Speaking of
Emmi
,
I
’d had enough beer and slaps on the back for the night.
I
told a sad Sam and a shocked Scottie thank you and good
night, and I got up to go home and see her.

As
I
started to walk away
Sam said, “We’re still working out on schedule?”

“Yeah, as long as nothing has changed for you,
nothing’s changed for me either where you and I and the rest of this tournament
are concerned.”

“Have a good night, kid.”

**********

The porch light was on, but the rest of the
apartment was dark.
I
wondered if
Emmi
had gone somewhere with Zoe and I was feeling disappointed when I opened the
front door. When
I
walked into the entryway the first
thing I saw was
Emmi
. She was lying on the tile floor
in a fetal position and at first
I
thought she must
have fallen when she came in the door.
My
heart was in
my throat as I knelt down next to her and that was when I saw that stupid,
fucking MMA contract. She must have seen that
I
signed
it and thought I’d lied to her.

“
Emmi
?
Emmi
, talk to me please, what’s going on?” She had
her eyes open but she was pale and I could see her trembling
like
she was cold.

She finally answered
me
,
sounding like an asthmatic in the middle of an attack with wheezy breaths and
she had to force out one word at a time to get a sentence out.

It sounded like, “Having---A----Panic----Attack,”
---
Big wheeze.

Shit!

“
Emmi
, have you had these
before?”

She nodded and said, “In---High---School,” ---
Wheeze…

“
Emmi
, listen to me, okay?
My
mom used to have these, a lot.
I
went with her to some classes and seminars and learned how to help her control
them.
I
also learned how to help her calm down in the
middle of one. Just let me help you, okay?” She nodded. “The first thing I need
you to do is control
your
breathing, okay? Don’t suck
it in and don’t forget to breathe it out. Take a slow, deep breath and fill
your lungs completely. There you go, now breathe it all out, let whatever
you’re feeling go with it, okay?”

Emmi
was trying to do what
I
told her to. Her breaths were
still shallow and that was why she was so pale, she was hyperventilating. She
was trying though so we needed to stick with it.

She nodded again and
I
said, “Whatever you’re thinking that’s causing this, you have to stop right
now, okay? Tell yourself to stop, think about something else, anything. The
thoughts that are going round and round in your head are
what’s
making this worse. Think about something happy, something positive. Let that
thought replace the ones that are causing you to feel so bad. Is this helping?
Are you feeling better?” She didn’t answer me, so I kept talking, “Okay just
keep breathing,
concentrate
on that too. Deep breath
in, fill your lungs up before you let it
out
. Hold on
to it for a few seconds and then push it all back out again. While you do that
tell yourself that everything is going to be all right.
I
know this is a scary feeling and my mom used to say it felt like she was going
to die. If that’s what you’re thinking,
Emmi
, get it
out of your head. Whatever got you upset is temporary, it’ll pass; you’re going
to be okay. Tell yourself,
I
've gotten through these
panic attacks before and I can get through it again, I’m fine, everything is
fine. You’re so strong. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

I
could tell that her breathing had evened out and was returning to normal. She
wasn’t shaking anymore, so that was good.
I
wanted to
put my arms around her, but I didn’t want to do anything to restrict the air
flow that she was finally getting into her lungs.

Finally, after about ten minutes she said, “
It’s
better, I’m okay.” She wasn’t wheezy anymore and it
didn’t sound like she had to force the words out any longer.
I
could even see color returning to her face.

“Good, I’m
gonna
help you
up, okay?” She nodded again. “You don’t feel dizzy or light-headed, do you?”

“No, I’m okay.”

“Just hold on to me, just in case.”

I
put my arm under one of her arms and around her back and helped her stand up.
We went into the living room and sat down.
I
tried to
keep my arm around her but she pulled away.

“What happened,
Emmi
?”
I
thought I probably already knew since the MMA contract had
been lying at her feet.

“You signed it,” she said. Her eyes were sad,
accusing and wet in the corners with tears that she was trying to hold back.

“Yeah, I did sign it. But
I
told him no.
I
know it’s hard to understand, but I
just really needed to sign it, it made me feel confident, it confirmed that I
was good enough.
I
signed it right before I went to
the fight. It was motivational,
I
guess. But
I
meant what I’ve said to you more than once; I don’t want
to do this forever. After
I
win this tournament, I’m
done.
I
promise you that you don’t have to worry about
any offers anyone will ever give me. I’m done.”

Her entire face changed. That was what she must’ve
needed to hear. She put her arms around
me
and then
she kissed me. It was soft and sweet like her, and then she whispered, “I’m
sorry, I just can’t stand the thought of you getting in that cage over and
over. I just love you too much.”

God,
I
loved hearing her
say that, it was like music to my ears.

“Don’t be sorry.
I
should
have explained it to you before you saw it like that.
I
know it’s weird, but for so long my self-confidence was so low that I developed
ways to make it better. It’s embarrassing to even talk about.”

“Don’t be embarrassed. You’re not the one that was
just curled in a fetal position on the floor,” she said and chuckled. She wiped
away the tears with the back of her hand and then her eyes slowly looked up at
me
.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about for you
either.
I
love you,
Emmi
.
Good times or bad,
I
love you. Let’s go to bed and
sleep this off.”

“Good plan,” she told
me
and kissed me again, gently wrapping her arms around me.

After we both got ready for bed, we slipped under
the comforter.
My
body was sore and it felt good to be
lying down against the cool sheets, against
Emmi
. It
was nice not to be so beat up that
I
couldn’t get
comfortable though.
Emmi
had turned her back to
me
and snuggled in.
Instant comfort.
I
loved the feel of her curves against my body.
I
put my arm across her waist and my face in her hair and
breathed in her fresh scent.
I
fell asleep thinking I
could lay like that forever.

CHAPTER
NINE

EMMI

I
woke up wrapped in Braxton’s arms. It was such a warm, safe feeling that
I
snuggled back into him and thought about going back to
sleep. God, it felt so good to lay there next to him. He was still sleeping
soundly,
I
could tell by the pattern of his breathing
as I felt his chest rise and fall against my back. The poor guy had to be
awfully sore after his fight, and then to come home and find
me
the way he did.
I
was embarrassed by that. He handled
it well though, talking
me
through it. The fact that
he said he’d been through it with his mom lots of times made
me
a little less self-conscious about it. Sometimes he could be such an enigma.
When I thought back to the first time I met him and he was angry with me for
interrupting him getting it on with some chick, I would have never imagined
what a giant heart he had beating inside of his sexy chest.
I
thought he was just another full of himself player…boy was I wrong.

I
didn’t want to get up but my mouth felt like it was full of cotton.
I
needed a drink.
I
tried to slip
out of bed unnoticed.
I
didn’t want to wake him up. As
I
slid from under his arm he tightened his grip. It
was sweet, but he was also damn strong and I wasn’t going to be able to slip
out easily
like
I thought.
I
had to wriggle one arm free and use my hand to hold his arm up a little while I
skated out. He stirred, but he didn’t wake up.
I
just
stood looking at him for a few minutes, thinking about how lucky I was that he
loved me.
I
wanted to kiss him, but I told myself to
let him sleep and save it for later.