Commitments (23 page)

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

handled the beating I got? I'll never forget the look of disgust on your face when you-took a good, close look at mine., All too clearly she remembered the day, remembered Derek walking toward her, trying to look normal even though his body listed and his face was a mass Of bruises.

"That wasn't disgust/ she said quietly. ' was horror - which you'd have realized if you'd been in less pain. Would you rather I'd looked at you and laughed?' 232 ''d rather/ he said in a low, tempered voice,

'you -mind your own business when it comes to something :"that doesn't concern you. Whether or not I exact @iirevenge is no concern of yours." I I Sabrina was stung. She had honestly thought that Derek and she had come beyond that. She thought -they were friends - no, more than friends. Friends didn't kiss the way they did, or ache to touch each other as they did. She'd simply assumed that they'd see each other when Derek was released. And now he was telling her that his future was no concern of hers? ' are a self-pitying bastard/ she heard herself say as she scrambled to her feet. ' - Sabrina, waid' Derek was up, loping after her, catching her by the arm and halting her flight. Blond hair flying in a shimmering arc, she rounded on him with a fury that was born of very deep, private, very new feelings. ' think you have a monopoly on pain, but you don't, Derek, you don't.' She shook off his hand. ' last three years of my life have been a living hell. If you want to talk anger or frustration or waste, I know all about it. I've been in a cage just as binding as the one you're in, and the worst of it is that now I'm out, there's nothing I ran do. There's no one to blame for what happened to Nicky. I couldn't take revenge if I tried. But you'

- she gasped for a breath - ! have choices. A wrong was done you. You can trace that wrong, document it in detail, do something with the information. You want to be your father's son ... okay, track down the man who set you up, then follow him, follow him wherever he goes, let him know you're following him, let him know that when ' get tired of following him you'll pick up a rifle with an infrared long-range sight and shoot him. Let him shake a little. How does that sound?' 233

Shaking, herself, she rushed on before Derek could speak. ' course, you'll be wasting that many more years of your life if you do that. You won't be moving ahead. You'll be giving that creep the satisfaction of knowing that he's taken not two, but three or four or five years of your life. Think of the sense of power he'll have. And you? You won't be an investigative reporter anymore. You won't be any kind of reporter, because you won't have the time. And even if you did, you'd be branded obsessed. No one would want to work with you. And that goes for me. You want me to mind my own business when it comes to things. that don't concern me? Fine. You're right. I deserve more.' She turned, knowing that if she didn't make good her escape, she'd dissolve into tears. This time, though, Derek didn't only grab her arm. He had her pressed to his body before she had time for a breath. '/ he whispered against her hair, then inhaled sharply. ''t leave.' He backed up to a tree. '

like this. Don't leave yet.' ' you don't want me involved - ' do. You're the only thing that's held any meaning in my life for the past five months.' Bracing his legs apart, he drew her into the cradle of his hips. 11 need you, Sabrina.' ' - '. ' don't want you involved because I don't want you hurt.' ''ll be hurt if I'm not involved.' She raised her head, and in that instant she identified the very deep, very private, very new feeling she had. She touched his cheek with a trembling hand. Her finiers whispered over his cheekbones, soothed the scar by his eye, erased the last of the scowl lines from his brow, sank deep into his thick, dark hair. '?' she mouthed. 234 Derek had never seen love in a woman's eyes. Held n affection and desire - even adoration in the eyes the occasional fan - but never love. The difference ""*as in depth. When he looked, into Sabrina's eyes, he looking into a fathomless well of warmth, of and giving and need. It had to be the most wonderful, most humbling sight held ever seen. 10h b I Page 84

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

he murmured and lowered his mouth. He aby, didn't kiss her, but paused just shy of the act, retreated, sought her eyes again to make sure he hadn't imagined what he'd seen. it was there. All of it. Everything he felt, himself, more. This time he did touch her lips, but very, very gently, though too much pressure might shatter something new. He covered her mouth, lightly sucked it in, owly rel eased it, drew back, then dipped his head and ssed her again in the samej slow, sipping way. He scovered that the taste of love was that much more M, that much more sweet than anything he'd ever tasted. It was also more lasting, causing each succes-,*;ive kiss - and one followed the other in lingering ession - to be even more rich, even more sweet. And addictive. And arousing. ' ...' he whispered against her mouth as the k:@,heat rose in his body. She opened her eyes. Her hands held his head, fingers Jost in his hair. She was vaguely aware of standing on tiptoe, but she hadn't knowingly made the effort.' 11,@Derek's arms had done it for her, closing around her, supporting. Her gaze went from his eyes to his mouth and ered there. His lips were moist, parted. She wanted ek,@,,.t, hem again. But more than that, she wanted him. She It yet know in what capacity, but she knew that 235 she wanted to make love with him, wanted to sleep with him, wanted to wake up in his arms and lie with him in the sun. I Needing to tell him how she felt, she initiated the kiss this time. But initiation was all she got, because Derek met her, matchedher, and the kiss became one of mutual dawning. Everything was new. Sabrina was far from a virgin, yet the small sounds that came from her throat when he filled her mouth with his tongue, the helpless gasps when he slid his hands up by the sides of her breasts spoke of a near-virginal surprise. Likewise, Derek's blood was running hotter than it had run since he'd been twelve. We have to stop/he gasped. ' no.' He put his forehead to hers and squeezed his eyes shut. His breathing was rough.

"Do you know ... there are some weekends when they have games and family picnics ... nine months later some of the wives give birth.' '?" she whispered. She had both hands flat on his chest and was moving them up and down over the thin, white knit of his tank top. ' the bathroom. I want you so bad that I'd almost think of dragging you there, but itd be so dirty, and you're so clean.' ''m not ' weren't made for quick and shabby. You were made for slow and rich, silk sheets, soft sounds."

"I'm not a - I ' couldn't take you there/ he said more harshly. '

couldn't take you anywhere in this place. I'd lose it, I know I would. Psychologically, I couldn't do it. I'd think of all these guys screwing bimbos against the wall .. 236 VIF, Please don't.' She knew that he was working self up, taking sexual frustration and letting it MU oom into a more general anger. ' doesn't Matter, Derek. We'll have time."

"God, I hate this place! ' won't be here forever.' IBut will you want me when I'm out?' She looked at him in surprise and saw the vulner@,-.';bility that he either hadn't bothered or been able to -lude. '

course I'll want you when you're out/ she answered, puzzled. ' could you think I wouldn'tv ''ll be an ex-convict.' ' that supposed to be worse than a convictv 11 don't know. Maybe this place ... it's convenient you when you see Nicky.' ', I haven't been stopping here just because it's convenient.' ' it's that little bit of danger here that turns YOU on. She took his hand from the back of her waist, held it "in both of hers, kissed his knuckles, then pressed it to her heart. Her eyes held his. ''s not that.' ' ...' She was very carefully separating his fingers, shaping his hand to her breast. Wanting to concentrate on the sensation, she closed her eyes. Derek swallowed hard. He knew he should tug his hand away, knew that feeling her would only make things worse, but he couldn't deny himself. There had been so few pleasures in his life in the last twenty months. Most had revolved around Sabrina. just as he'd needed to kiss her before, he Page 85

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

needed to touch her now. Her breast filled his palm. She wasn't large, but she was well formed and firm. Heat shimmered through layers of fabric - chic, stylishly wrinkled cotton and 237 beneath that a bra and those layers kept him from feeling her nipple, even when he stroked her lightly. But he heard when she sucked in her breath, and he knew from the way she arched her back that she enjoyed his touch. ' here/

he whispered hoarsely, turning so that she was beneath him against the tree. He'd been to his share of orgies, but making love with an audience had never turned him on. He was very turned on now. He couldn't help himself - At least he could shield Sabrina Some. Thrusting a leg between hers, he leaned into her. He ducked his head and traced her, lips with his tongue while he carefully released a button on her blouse and slid his hand inside. Sucking in a breath, Sabrina opened her eyes to his. '

have to touch/ he whispered. The urgency of it was written all over his face. He found her breast, circled it, covered it, then began to knead.

"Have to touch ... Is it good? I Eyes glued to his, she nodded. She was biting her lower lip to keep from crying out. Her hands clung to his sides, fingers digging into the hard skin just above his jeans. Derek was panting softly when he put his lips to her temple. -He moved his hips against her thigh, but she was the one to put the need into words.

"I want you/ she, whispered. Heat was gathering in her body, pooling between her legs, and just above that the ache was intense. She'd never in her life felt the kind of driving desire she felt at Derek's hands. To say that she loved him only went partway in explaining that desire. Once upon a time, she'd loved Nick, yet she'd never felt what she did now. 238 @-",Nick had wanted her. Derek needed her. She sup-d that was the most immediate of the differences. small cry slipped from her throat. Lon& lean ers had stolen beneath the lace of her bra and were fire to her bare breast. She cried out again when fingertip grazed her nipple, which was already taut ond straining. ' God/she cried in a high whisper. ' God ...' ' Him/ Derek returned on a hoarse but regretful note, ' me., Taking back his hand, he drew her from the tree and crushed her to his length. His body trembled in longing. '

can't give you what you need just now. I wish I could, but I can't.' It wasn't a question of impotence: he was stone-hard against her. Reassured, she said, ' can't give you what you need, either.' Her voice was muffled against his chest. The scent of his body was cushioning her descent from desire's high. Jf we were somewhere else, somewhere private

"Yes. In a minute.' He moaned. ' don't deserve you, Sabrina.' ' refuse to argue about that. Not any more today./ fften will I see you again? '

don't know.' She rubbed her cheek against the fine, curling hairs that his shirt didn't cover. ' two weeks?' The sound she made, a swallowed groan, mirrored his own feelings about a two-week separation. Pushing off from his chest, she raised urgent eyes. ' me something to do, Derek. Please. Give me something constructive., He knew that she wanted to write. He also knew that he had no intention of letting her publish his story before he had done what he was set to do. But there was another need he had. When she came to see him, he knew that he was her focus. He was 239 selfish enough to want that even when she was back in New York. Besides, what he'd be asking was right down her alley. '

can help me/ he said very quietly. The process of thought and its direction had effectively cooled his heat. He sniffed in a breath and straightened, lifting his weight from her. ' the name Lloyd Ballantine ring a bell? I It was a minute before she realized what he was saying, a minute before she'd recovered enough from his touch - and its sudden loss - to do that. ' Ballantine was ... a justice of the Supreme Court. He died in an automobile accident several years ago." Page 86

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

She wondered why Derek had asked. He didn't let her wonder long. ' want to know anything and everything you can learn about the man.' She nodded, but she was wondering again. It was only natural. ''t ask/ he said, and there was something in his quiet tone that underscored the request. Cupping her shoulders, he looked down at her. ' shouldn't be involving you at all this way, but you wanted to help - , dov He gnawed on the inside of his cheek and contemplated the eagerness in her eyes. Then he gave a single, resigned nod. ' Ballantine. Anything and everything. As discreetly as possible.' It wasn't until later, in the car heading back to New York, that Sabrina wondered about the rest of Derek's story. She hadn't heard his. theory about what had happened. She hadn't been able to offer an opinion. But she would see him again. There would be other 240 "is, other talks. She was deeply and emotionally committed. And able. She didn't know why learning about Lloyd Ballantine was important to Derek, but one thing she did know was that when it came to doing research, few people were more thorough than she. chapter 10.

Uarning about Ll* oyd Ballantine was a far greater undertaking than Sabrina had imagined, both because there was an abundance of sources to plumb and because the initial sampling she made of those offered

-little. Newspaper and magazine profiles drew identical pictures of a hard worker, a scholar, a family man who had been a moderate force on the bench. She waded through a biography that had been written shortly after his death, but it was a long-winded and saccharine affair. What surprised her was that it had been penned by a well-known author, a man whose past work had led her to expect something more than Pablum. She spent several mornings at the public library working with microfiche and took out an armload of magazines to pore through at home. But she made less headway than she'd hoped, because she had decided to put the Fifth Avenue apartment on the market, and there was immedia e activity. On a Saturday in early August, after nearly two weeks in New York, she drove north again. This time she stopped at Parkersville first. The guards at the front desk had come to know her. She stood apart physically from many of the other regular visitors - and beyond that, she was friendly. Once she had begun to recognize the faces behind the glass, she'd offered smiles in greeting. In time the smiles were returned. 242 were no smiles on this day, though. ''s not Mrs. Stone.' ,_1 osebrina was sure she'd heard wrong. ' me?' e's not here.' @@She frowned, then swallowed. ' here?' Possi-' started popping into her head, the first of which .' that there had been another fight and Derek had hurt seriously enough to warrant transfer to other facility. Her heart began to-pound. Vhere is ' can't tell you that.' Vas he hurt?' Not as far as I know.' Then he's all rightv q presume so.' She tried to keep calm and consider the other possibilities. She knew that he wasn't due to appear before .'@Jhe parole board for another two months, but perhaps that process had been hastened. ' he been released?' she asked, afraid to hope. It was just as well she hadn't, because the answer she received was a firm, '. No release.' ' he in solitary?' It might have been the loss of color on her face, or -the worry in her eyes, or the good will her smiles had built up over the past months. But the guard seemed to soften. ''d tell you if he was. I'm sorry, Mrs. Stone, he just isn't here. I know he's been transferred, but that's it.' She believed that the man really did know nothing, but that was small solace. ' would he have been transferred?' The guard shrugged. ' there trouble here?" Another shrug. 243 Did he - was there any message left for me? He '