Commitments (18 page)

"You didn't walk into a wall.' She looked over his face again and whispered another horrified, ' God'; then she raised a hand to touch the scabbing cut on his lower lip, thought twice, pressed the hand to her own lips. ' didn't expect you today/he said stiffly. Sabrina had been so upset by his appearance that it took her a minute to recall why she'd come. She dropped her hand from her mouth and closed it around the soft leather of the purse that was clutched under 180 arm. ' had to see you/ she said, but distractedly. ving given up on the cut lip, she was studying his He had a whopper of a purple shiner) which was ,@@turn rimmed by skin that was scraped and red. She dn't help but wince. '

you seen a doctor?' No. ' ''re not walking right.' 11 thought I did pretty well, all things considered/ he ped, then wished he'd saved the cockiness for a appropriate time. ''ve got to sit down/ he umbled and moved as fast as he could to the nearest ,, which happened to be a picnic table that was noccupied. Gingerly he eased himself down, facing tward on the bench. He leaned back until the table his spine, further braced himself with his and with a small moan, extended his legs and his eyes. Sabrina sat down beside him. ''ve hurt your ribs, haven't youp IYUP.1 ' any broken?' ' guess is as good as mine.' ' you haven't bothered with a doctor? Derek, even your voice sounds strange. What if you've broken a rib and it's punctured a lung?' ''d be coughing up blood and I'm not.' She reached out and lightly touched his middle.

"You've wrapped itv He nodded. ' up an old shirt.' Then he opened his eyes and smirked as much as his crusted lip would allow. '

advantage of working in the laundry.' Her hand stayed where it was, resting lightly, very lightly on the worn blue fabric of his shirt.

"What happened? l ' fell down a flight of stairs.' 181 Ifou were in another fight.' 11 didn't fight., ' you were beaten.' 11 decided not to fight, so, yes, I was beaten. For Christ's sake, Sabrina, stop staring at me like that. I know I look awful, but you're making it worse. Say something nice. Lie a little.' He was about to say that it wouldn't be the first time she'd fied to him, when she started to speak. Page 64

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

"Nick and I split. It happened almost three weeks ago. I should have told you when I came last week, and I don't know why I didn't, but I've been having trouble knowing what to do lately. I'm sorry., The words had come in a soft-spoken rush, and if the urgency of her tone hadn't taken the wind from Derek's sails, the apology in her eyes would have. And then he felt even more contrite when she said, ' wrote three separate letters to you, but none of them said what I wanted to say. The problem was that I didn't know what I wanted to say. So I figured I'd come instead. I decided that this morning, and it seemed foolish to wait until Thursday, but I wasn't able to get Nicky set as quickly as Id hoped, so I'm a little late.' Looking at her as she sat beside him, Derek was reminded of the first time he'd ever seen her. Then, as now, she was the picture of innocence. She was even wearing similar clothes a long, softly pleated skirt and a full overblouse that gave her a delicate look. Mint green was the color this time, and it added a dimension to her eyes that refreshed him like cool spring water. He felt the pinching in his body ease a little. ' you know what you want to say now? I '.' She swallowed. ' you could ask questions.' 182 He didn't want to ask questions. His jaw hurt when he spoke. But he remembered how angry he'd been, and that kind of pain was worse than anything with his jaw, so he asked, ' didn't you tell me about you and Nick last week?, ' that question. I don't think I have the answer yet.' ' about what went wrong with the marriage?' She lowered her eyes and drew her hand backao the shelter of the folds of her skirt.

"It's a temptation to say that Nicky went wrong with the marriage, but that wouldn't be fair.' Her voice was muted by shame. ' accurate. If Nick and I had been right for each other, we'd have been able to handle Nicky's problems. Some couples come through hard times closer than ever.' , rwhy didn't it work?' When she simply frowned at her skirt, he prodded. ' must have thought it would when you married him.' ' did/

she said, meeting his gaze for a minute before looking off down the yard. ' struck me as being very strong, very organized, very dedicated, very normal.' '?' ' wasn't weird like my family.

"Don't you like your family?' ' love my family, but they're weird. They are their books, and thatd be fine if they wrote something that related to reality, but they don't. Mom is spacey, Dad is an anachronism, and J. B. is his own little shop of horrors. And it isn't only what they write, it's how they do it. Twenty hours at a stretch - honest, twenty hours and when they finally stop you never know what mood they'll be in. They could walk out of the room and take your head off if the writing went poorly. Or they could spring for dinner at the Top of the Mark 183 and throw in a carriage ride through the hills for good measure. Then again, they could come off their writing to find that the others were on, so there was no one to go to dinner with, and then there was trouble.' '

three work that way?' She nodded. ''s one of the reasons Mom and Dad don't live together; one of the reasons J.B. is divorced. That kind of life doesn't make for easy companionship., ' you thought you'd have that with Nick?' ' look skeptical.' ''ve never met the man myself, but from all I've heard, Nicholas Stone isn't the companionable type."

"He was at first. I ' it ended with the

"I do's"?' '. It went on a

little longer, until business really got hot. Then he was putting in sixteen-hour work days, and when he came home he didn't have time to relax with me., Strange,'Derek thought, but if he'd ever married, his wife would probably have said the same about him. Some men were driven. He'd always assumed that it was inherent to a particular personality. He was a natural competitor. He wanted success and he wanted it badly. Now, though, he wondered if being driven was simply a way of compensating for Page 65

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

what one's life lacked. He couldn't imagine not wanting to spend time with Sabrina if she were his. ' wasn't the long work days that bothered me though/ she continued. ' had my own writing. I could easily, fill my time while Nick was working. But I wanted time with him. He seemed to think that was frivolous. He said that he had to make the most of his free time, since he had so little of it,. and making the 184

meant exercising - playing handball or tenhis or or attending to social obligations. She fell silent, thinking about what she'd said, won-if she sounded like a spoiled brat who wanted ', wondering if she was one. But no, it wasn't ention she wanted so much as love. There was a ce. She looked up to find Derek studying her, and she struck again by his bruises. ' really look I/ she whispered, knowing that if he wasn't nor-y so handsome she'd never have been as blunt. YOU feel as bad as you look? He would have shrugged but didn't dare. ' comes d goes.' ''re very pale.' ''s prison pallor.' The good comer of his mouth ''ve got it, too., She returned a small smile. ' wardens go, Nicky is He doesn't allow me much yard time.' The smile waned. ''re very pale. Are you sure you're okay?, ''m not going to be sick, if that's what you're asking. I haven't eaten a thing since last night." She was about to tell him that that was why he was so pale, that he needed food if ht wanted strength. But she'd done enough hovering. She wasn't his mother. She didn't want to be. So instead of browbeating him, she opened her purse and took out a small bag. He looked from her face to the bag and back. T-7hat's in itv ' ' it and see.' He looked at the bag again. ' can't. It takes too much effort. You do it.' Carefully unfolding the top of the bag, she removed a thick cookie, one of several inside, and handed it 185 over. He took it with a minimum of movement, just the slight swivel of his forearm on his elbow. ' God/ he said hoarsely, '. Fields' ... white-chunk ... macadamia-nut ..

.'Squeezing his eyes shut, he looked in more pain than ever. '? Are you okay?' ', yeah/ he croaked, but she didn't know what to think, so she began to babble. ' said you dreamed of them. I thought you'd like a few. I didn't know if they'd let me bring them in, but I couldn't not try. You don't have to eat any if you don't want. I'll take them back home if -' With a suddenness of movement that surprised them both, he shot out a hand and grabbed the bag. ' way/ he gasped, eyes wide open.

"I'll keep them, thank you.' He raised the cookie and took a small bite. It all but melted in his mouth. This time when he closed his eyes and effected the look of pain, she understood that the agony was ecstasy.

"They're not that good.' ' for you to say. You haven't had to go without them for eighteen months.' He took another bite, let it linger on his tongue until it slid down his throat. And he realized that, prison or no prison, no one had ever brought him little goodies before. He'd never been the little-goodie type. He was always on the go, never sick, usually the one in charge, the one to order the tickets, send the bouquet, pick up the tab. Oh, women had given him things - coffee-table books, silk dressing gowns, cologne - and Sabrina could have afforded the best of any of those - but she'd chosen to bring him the one thing he'd mentioned wanting. His throat tightened up, and again he had the unsettling urge to cry. He sat forward with deliberate force, knowing that the pain would stem that urge. It did. 186 Derek?' then settled lust stretchin&' he managed to grunt carefully back again. Aware that Sabrina was watching him, he finished the cookie as nonchalantly as he could, then said, ' me more about your marriage.' ' another question.' Another question. Another question. Derek took a breath that was a little too deep. He flinched at the . pain in his ribs, then tightened his jaw in compensation. Do you love himv He'd asked the Page 66

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

question more than once when she'd visited him last. She'd been evasive then. Now she felt she owed him more. '. I don't love him. I did once, or I think I did, but I may have just been in love with what he represented, I don't know-I Derek felt immeasurable relief. He didn't know why, because there were still a million obstacles standing in the way of any relationship he and Sabrina might havebut one less was one less. So he enjoyed the relief for a minute, which was just about all he had. Sitting UP was doing him no good. He hurt. in an attempt to ease the pain, he shifted gingerly, but the new position was even less comfortable, so he returned to the old. ''re feeling worse, aren't you?' ' a little stiff 11 have aspirin. Will you take some?' She was already digging in her purse for the small, commercially labeled container. Derek wasn't a masochist. He opened a hand to receive the two tablets and was about to slap them toward his throat when a guard came from nowhere and clamped an iron hand on his wrist. , it right there., ''s aspirin, damn it/ Derek grunted. ' r

yourself. The name's right on the pill., The way the 187 guard was leaning put pressure on his shoulder, which in turn compressed his ribs and hurt him all the more. ''s the tin/ Sabrina said in a frightened voice. She held it out to the guard, but her eyes were on Derek's ashen face. ' checked it when I came in.' That made no difference. Taking his time, the guard examined each of the pills in Derek's hand, then took the tiny tin from Sabrina and studied the remaining six tablets. When he'd satisfied himself that nothing but aspirin was being exchanged, he straightened and walked off without the slightest apology. Derek tossed the pills back, swallowed them dry, then muttered, ' gotta lie down.' For a split second, Sabrina feared that he meant to end the visit and return to his cell. Her heart dropped, then lifted when he pushed himself from the picnic table and limped toward a nearby tree. Moments later, he was lying on the thick bed of shaded grass, but her heart had dropped again, because she'd seen the pain he'd endured to get himself there. - Without a qualm, she lowered herself, to the grass with her back against the tree. ' up a little/ she whispered, and very gently eased his head onto her lap. '?' He closed his eyes and sighed. '.' She began lightly to massage his temples. It seemed the most natuial thing to do. She couldn't imagine letting her hands lie idle when they could so easily offer a little relief. ' seem exhausted/ she said. ' it from the pain?' ' didn't sleep much last night., ' happened yesterday?' '.' Her fingers were warm, smooth, gentle, and they worked magic. '?' '?' 188 qf Nick were to be waiting for you when you returned to New York, would you take him backv

"No.' ' even if he begged?' ' even then, but he wouldn't beg. I think he's as relieved to be free of me as I am of him.' ' you really?' '?' She thought for a minute. ', and I don't think I'm saying that out of @ride or defensiveness or anything emotional hke,,-that. When Nick walks into a room, he brings with him a certain tension. He's on all the time, wants things done yesterday and wants them done well. Even before Nicky was bom, I used to scurry around trying to please him. Then, after Nicky, when things got so heavy@ there was no pleasing Nick. ' was a strain knowing that everything I did was open for attack.' Her voice. was soft, a little distant. Her fingers whispered, stroked, occasionally combed through Derek's hair. ''ve spent the past three years living with fear and tension and worry. Nick wouldn't accept what had happened to Nicky. He couldnt understand what it was doing to me. I was awful at times. I admit it. I was short-timpered and demanding.' She paused. ', subconsciously, I was pushing him toward making a move.' Derek registered the words and was vaguely aware of their insightfulness, but he couldn't focus deeply when one part of him was floating. The best he could do was to ask, '

things been better since he moved out? I ' have been different." Page 67

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

Understandably, Derek was more-concerned about her present and future. Opening his eyes, he looked up 1.89 into her face. ' do you go from here, Sabrina? Are you staying put in New York?' Her thumb had come to rest, ever so lightly, by the cut at his lip. She made no attempt to move it. ' the time being. At least until I know more of what's what with Nicky.1 ' you think he knows what's happened?' '.' ' you think he misses Nick?' ' a while he seemed to recognize him. He'd start breathing a little faster, like he was excited, when Nick started talking to him. Lately - the last six or eight months - there's been nothing. Maybe it's just as well. I'd probably be more tom over the divorce if I felt Nicky would be affected.' Derek bent up one knee, tipping his body slightly toward hers. He'd been lulled so well that he was taken by surprise when the faint movement made him wince. ' the aspirin helping at all?' ihe asked worriedly. J think so/ he answered. But her touch was more powerful a balm than aspirin. Closing his eyes, he gave himself up to those wonderfully fluid, ever serene fingers.