Commitment (26 page)

But it was only downhill from there. When she got to the magazine, there was package on her chair, delivered by messenger. Brian had neatly packed up every item of clothing she had left in his apartment, every book, every sock, and every scrap of every tiny thing that belonged to her and sent them back to their rightful owner. Inside was a note:
I believe these belong to you.
And that was all. He didn’t even sign his name.

For the rest of the day, she could think of nothing else besides the look on his face when she’d confessed everything a
bout Shawn; t
he disbelief, followed by shock, anger and finally, the hurt. What she hadn’t felt then, suddenly assailed her – regret and even a fair amount of shame.
S
he’d discarded
Brian
like yesterday’s newspaper because she w
as desperate not to lose Shawn.
And now that she and Shawn were together and it was exactly as she’d hoped it might be, she was surprised to be plagued so frequently with thoughts
of
Brian and how he was doing.

Had he gone to
school the day they broke up? How were things going with law review? She worried about him
but n
ot because she regretted choosing Shawn, because honestly, it h
adn’t even felt like a
choice.
I
t had been more like a certainty, a force that she could do nothing to stop, or change, or even slow down. No, she worried about Brian because quite simply, he was her friend and she loved him as a friend. She wanted to hear about his life and know that he was okay. And here she was, looking at a box of her personal effects that he hadn’t wanted to keep but had too much respect for her to toss out.

That was when she knew she had to call him
.

He was reserved on the phone
but agreed to meet her at Haram
be and she was grateful. She couldn’t move forward without this.

When he walked in, Riley was with Tracy sitting at a table near the stage. The sight of him made her spirits lift and she realized that she’d missed him.
Brian used to be her
every day
, when Shawn had been her once-in-awhile.
It hurt when he returned her hug with a stiff embrace.

I’m here
he
’d
said simply.

Thank you
,
she said.

What had followed had been a difficult conversation. She’d
answered all his questions
, telling him about the first night she met Shawn, and how she’d spent the night, how she was drawn back to him over and over again despite telling herself that it was wrong, that
he
was wrong for her.

So all the time with me, were you pretending?
he asked.

She’
d
been emphatic that she wasn’t. She loved him, she told him. But just not
in
the
same
way she loved Shawn.

If you needed me to come here to make you feel better, then I’m happy to do that for you, Riley,
he said finally.
I mean it. If he makes
you
feel the way you say he does, then I’m glad I can make you feel ok
ay about what happened with us.
But don’t expect me to be okay. At least not for awhile
.

That was the moment when she realized that even asking him to come speak to her had been an act of selfishness. She needed him to tell her it was okay for her to be happy, even if he was miserable
, and ever generous, he had done exactly that
.

Riley found the bottle of red she’d been searching for and opened it, pouring a generous glass and settling on the sofa.

She hadn’t even had a minute to process her conversation with Brian before Tracy showed up to announce that Shawn was there.
And when she saw him, he was looking at her with that intense expression
she had become so familiar with
,
his eyes
searching her face for
some sign or reassurance that she was still with him, and just him.

It was only over these last couple of weeks since she’d accepted his proposal that Riley had begun to realize what an act of sheer will it must have been for him to tolerate her being with Brian.
It just hadn’t made sense before – it caused all kinds cognitive dissonance to look at the confident
man he was – the man that countless other women would do anything to be with – and
even begin to consider that where she was concerned, he might not feel completely sure of himself.

Now that they spent more time out together, Riley saw firsthand how he reacted when
other men noticed her. His eyes narrowed, his jaw became set and rigid and he became distinctly morose.
Last week i
n a Dominican restaurant uptown they’d been served by a waiter who
Shawn was convinced was
being overly attentive to her. 

You know that kid?
he’d demanded.

And when Riley said she didn’t he’
d
become
even more agitated.

Then
why is he all up in your grill?

It was a very short meal after that.

So
of course
, tonight
she
had been happy
to get him as far away from Harambe as possible
,
as quickly as possible
. But even
back in
the hotel
suite
, he couldn’t let it go
. She wanted to talk about it in her own way, in her own time and all
Shawn
could see was whether it affected him, and how it affected him
.
And
when he tried to pull rank on her as
T
he
F
iancée, she had a
panicky moment, thinking about Lorna’s words.
Riley
could almost
feel
herself beginning to disappear, her will replaced by Shawn’s, her judgment usurped by his, just because he was going to be her husband and just because her impulse was to please him, always.

That was the scariest part, the part that made her run back to her apartment – she almost always wanted to do what Shawn wanted, just because it was what Shawn wanted. Was that what would happen to her if they were married? Was that the woman she would become?

She’d overreacted of course, when he said he wasn’t “having it” for her to be friends with Brian.

What did she expect him to say? Wouldn’t any man have said the same thing?

Remembering now that s
he even implied that she wanted to break off
the engagement, Riley took
a gulp of her wine
and with it swallowed the
rush
of panic.

What if he believed she meant it? What if he believed her and just let her go?

She
reached for the bottle and gave herself a refill. No. She would not even contemplate that.

Over the next hour, she consumed the entire bottle and succumbed to a boozy, fitful
exhaustion
,
hugging one of the
sofa
cushions
and drifting off to sleep
. She awoke at one-fifteen a.m., surprised that the phone had not rung. Checking her cell phone, she
saw
that there were no text messages either.
Feeling
a surge of self-pity
, and a little scared that Shawn had taken her at her word after all, she cried a little and was asleep again within minutes.

Her bladder was what woke her up later.
The digital clock
, which she glimpsed on the way to the bathroom
,
read four thirteen in the morning.
Still no phone call?
She heaved a deep sigh as she relieved herself. She would have to call hi
m.
If he wanted her to stay away from Brian, she would try.
She would tell him that she was willing to give up Brian for him, or at least curtail the friendship.
If there had ever been any doubt before, now
she knew that
Shawn
had her, hook
,
line and sinker.
It hadn’t even been one night, and already she was panicking, how pathetic was that?

Tomorrow, when she wasn’t quite as drunk, she would call him and say she was sorry for being such a brat. Or better yet, she would
sleep off the wine for a couple more hours and then
just go
back
to the hotel
and crawl into bed with him
. She still had her key card, and in person, Shawn could not say no to her.
Of that she was certain.
So that’s what she would do,
later
. She would . . .

An insistent pounding on the
front
door startled her and Riley’s heart hammered in her chest. She glanced quickly in the bathroom mirror
and headed for the door
.

Please
, she thought.
Please, please.

When she opened
it
,
relief flooded through her.
Shawn was standing there wearing the same sweatpants and t-shirt he’d been wearing
earlier with his boots
unlaced, the tongues hanging out. His brown leather jacket looked as though it had been hastily shrugged on. Neither of them said anything. His eyes were bleary and red. He’d either been doing just as much drinking as she had, or was dog-tired. Riley would have been pleased with
either
of those options, because
it
meant
he’d been as miserable as she was all evening.

“Okay,” he said, breathing a deep sigh.

Riley wrinkled her brow. “Okay, what?”

“Brian is your friend. I guess I just have to
try to
deal with that.”

She blinked
, surprised
.
“You just have to deal with . . .”

“I know.” H
e took a step inside and shut the door behind him. “It’s not up to me to give you permission or anything. You
h
ave the right to be friends with anyone you want to be friends with.”

He
had
been drinking. And he sounded steady, but he wasn’t. The more he tried to stand still, the more he swayed.

“So,
are we cool?” he
asked.

“You don’t care if I’m friends with Brian,” she confirmed.

Shawn gave a short laugh. “Fuck yeah, I care. But I’ll try to deal with it. That’s all I can promise to do, Riley.
”

“If I a
m friends with Brian, it would be nothing like it was before, Shawn,” she said. “You wouldn’t be . . . sharing me.”

He nodded. “I
know.” His eyes did not leave hers.

Riley reached out and touched his chest, tentatively, still not sure how he was feeling about her at the moment. Just because he didn’t want to lose her, didn’t mean he wasn’t still angry
or doubtful
. And
yet,
this, what he was saying here was
almost
total surrender. Something that was so unlike him she could scarcely believe it was happening. It rocked her to know that he wanted her that much. It made her . . .
horny
.

She touched him more confidently now, lowering her hand, and putting it beneath his shirt, feeling his skin, warm and smooth. His reaction was subtle but immediate. She could feel him hold his breath for just a moment, and then he
ex
haled through his nose, his nostrils flaring slightly. He leaned in to kiss her, and Riley lifted her face to meet him.

It was not a gentle kiss; it was a crashing together of mouths, like the crashing together of their
equally
strong wills. It felt almost competitive, Shawn’s tongue in her mouth, dominating her own. He pulled her against him,
one
hand at the nape
of her neck and the other at the small of her back. Riley felt every part of her come
wide
awake and soon she was tugging at his shirt, forcing him to pull away from her to take it off.

Then they were kissing again, moving clumsily backward toward her bedroom until Shawn put his hands down under her buttocks and without removing his lips from hers, lifted her up so
she could wrap her legs
about his hips. His erection pressed against her in precisely the right place, but they were
,
maddeningly
,
still separated by clothing.