Commitment (13 page)

The words came far more easily than he expected. It was something he’d been thinking about without admitting it to himself until yesterday; something that had been nestling in the back of his mind for weeks.

Riley froze and then all of sudden she had rolled free
of him
and was
sitting up,
in stunned disbelief.

“
What
did you say?”

“I said, let’s get married,” Shawn repeated.

“Are you serious?”

“Look at me
,” he said. “
Do I look like I’m joking?”

Riley studied his face for a few moments, eyes wide. Finally convinced that it was not a ruse, she heaved a deep sigh.

“Why, Shawn? Because you think then you’ll own me?” she said. “I’ll have to come whenever you call? And you won’t have to worry about competing with Brian anymore?”

She was
pissed
, he realized with surprise.

Of all the emotions in the range of human experience, this was furthest from what he might have expected
.
He’d never even come close to asking someone to marry him before, never for a single, solitary moment even
considered
it. And here she was, acting like he’d asked her to turn tricks on the corner or something.

A few short raps on the door caused them both to look up. Shawn stood and pulled on his
sweats
, waiting for Riley to
pull
his shirt
over her head
before he opened the door.

They stared at each other tensely as the servers set up the food in the living room, and Shawn absently signed the slip, ushering them quickly out the door
, while Riley stood by, motionless
.

“Let’s eat,” he said.

Riley seemed to contemplate for a moment until her hunger won out. She sat at the table, uncovering her cutlery methodically, barely looking up. Her brow was furrowed, her lips pursed.

Shawn joined her and began on one of the lobster tails, waiting for her to speak first. Several minutes passed as they ate in silence. Riley
slowly and methodically
cut her steak into several small
, symmetrical
pieces, still not looking at him.

On the trip before the last one when they’d fought about her coming out to L.A., he was
in the middle of
prepping to go to Europe for shows in London and Paris.
For weeks he’d walked around pissed and difficult to work with, not even knowing why. Then one night while listening to Riley on the phone
describing with amusement, a run-in she’d had with someone in the Mayor’s office
,
it hit him. It was t
he
thought of being so far away
, in
such
a different time zone from her
and for so long
that had gotten under his skin. Being away from her
at all
was growing
a lot
more
difficult
than he expected
.

Prep meetings and rehearsals
on the West Coast
didn’t
leave him much
time to
fly
to
New York but he’d strong-armed Brendan into making it happen anyway.
O
ne night
. That was all the time he could spare
. Riley had a work event, something she couldn’t miss
. S
o they made plans for him to pick her up there when she was done.

Shawn
had pulled
up in front of the restaurant at the appointed time, just as Rile
y emerged from building.
She was
wearing a short skirt, which she seldom did. With it she had on a red turtleneck, black opaque tights and those boots of hers. S
till, s
he
’d
looked so pretty, that at first, he’d smiled just at the sig
ht of her.

But she wasn’t alone.

W
ith
her was
a tall, blonde guy, one of those downtown hipster types, with skinny pants and snug jacket. He had his arm about Riley’s waist
as though
to steady her
. They stood in front of the restaurant chatting for a few moments and then
before turning to
head
in the direction of the subway,
the blonde guy
had
leaned
in to kiss her directly on the lips.

Riley smiled and blew him a kiss
as he walked away waving
; s
omething in her manner
reassuring
Shawn
that the guy was just a friend.
B
ut there had been a moment
before that realization took hold
– just a moment, but
it was
time enough to
mess
up his mood – of deep, searing, irrational
anger
.

He was angry because he was leaving for Europe and wouldn’t see her for
almost eight weeks
.

He was angry because while he was gone, her life would go on as usual like he didn’t even exist.

He was angry because even though this current joker was just a friend,
she did in fact have a boyfriend who
, while he was gone, would kiss her
,
and hold her about the waist
like this guy had
and
would even
make love to her and
Riley
would let him, and would like it.

That night
Shawn had fucked her hard
. That night
he didn’t care if
anyone
got off, his sole
intention
was
to make sure she was so sore she wouldn’t want anyone to touch her for weeks.
And now, despite seeing her in New York last week and having her here with him in L.A., those feelings hadn’t gone away. Hell, they hadn’t
even
subsided
.

“What is this all about?” she finally asked
now
, her voice quiet.

She set aside her knife and fork and rested her hands on the table as though preparing for a negotiation.

“What is this
ab
. .
?
Riley I just think we should get married, that’s all.”

She swallowed. “That’s
all
?” she demanded. “Do you even know my middle name?
What elementary school I went to?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

Because she couldn’t care less that he was K
Smooth
.

Because minutes after she left, he was already thinking about when he’d see her again.

Because her mind excited him as much as her body.

Because he couldn’t stand the thought of her smiling at someone else the way she smiled at him, or holding their hand the way she did his.

Because with her, he
was
that guy who didn’t want his girl dancing with anyone else. Little things. Big things. Everything about her.

“I can’t lose you,” he said simply.

She looked up at him, and her eyes were
brimming over.

“Think about it,” he said putting down his fork. “I’ll be away for awhile. Take that time and think about it.”

“Is this because of last night? Because of Brian?” she asked, sounding desperate. “We never talked about being together exclusively and I never thought that that’s what you wanted, but if it is, maybe . . .”

“No,” he cut her off.

He finally identified the look on her
face and what it meant. Panic.
Hell, he should be the one in a panic. He had never thought in his wildest imagination of marriage as an option for him. Never believed there was a woman out there that would make him sign up for that particular brand of madness. And, in the abstract at least, it still sounded like madness but this wasn’t about marriage, it was about Riley. With her, he knew that boyfriend-girlfriend shit wasn’t going to be enough. He had to have her
locked down
.

“No,” he said again. “I don’t want you to be my girlfriend, Riley. I need you to be my wife.”

She looked down again, thoughtful.

“I wasn’t being honest with you,” he continued, and Riley looked up into his eyes once again, waiting to hear what the deception had been. “But I wasn’t honest with myself either. All this time I’ve been pretending this is just about sex. And it stopped being about that I don’t even know how long ago. I don’t want us to meet in my hotel and screw and then you go back to your life and I go back to mine.”

“Shawn . . .”

“Wait a second, let me finish
.
I made you think it was about that, I know. And it was in the beginning. And then later I thought that’s all you were down for, so I rolled with it.

“
But even if it is, I can’t keep doing that. Because it’s about more than the sex for me
, Riley
.”

She
said nothing so he reached into his pocket and pulled out the pale robin’s egg blue ring box that had been in there all afternoon, sliding it across the table toward her.
             

“It’s gotta be all or nothing.”

“You bought a
ring
?” she asked, sounding pained.

“That’s usually how it works.”

“And ‘all or nothing’? That sounds like an ultimatum.”

“It is.”

She expelled a sharp breath, and the tears finally spilled onto her cheeks. “How could you just go and do this?”

“Riley, I’m not saying you have to wear the ring, or even that you have to tell me right now. Take all the time you need.”

She looked up at him, her eyes imploring. “So if I give the answer you don’t want to hear, you’ll what? Stop seeing me?”

“Look, let’s just forget about it for the rest of the time you’re here
. You’re leaving tomorrow and I don’t want to waste time going back and forth about this
.”

“
Forget
about it?” she echoed.

Shawn was strangely calm. As far as he was concerned, everything from here on out was on the real.
From
now
on, until he had an answer, h
e
had no intention of
stand
ing
back and
watch
ing
other dudes step to her as though he had no prior claim.

Riley
reached over
and
gingerly opened the ring box and Shawn had the satisfaction of watching as her eyes opened wide for a split second before she snapped it shut again. The ring was a three-carat cushion cut solitaire surrounded by bead-set diamonds. He wanted to go bigger but even if he didn’t know what elementary school she went to, he knew her well enough to be certain that anything bigger than this she would find vulgar.

“So now I’m supposed to just sit here and eat chocolate cake?”

She leaned back in her chair.

“You did
okay
with that steak and lobster,” he pointed out.

She gave him the barest hint of a smile
and taking that as encouragement enough,
Shawn poured her another glass of wine and slid the cake across the table.

After a moment, she picked up her fork and took a bite.

“Yum,” she said.

g

Everyone was holding up their glass, beer spilling over onto their wrists. Across the table, Brian’s eyes were bright and a little unfocused. They’d all been drinking for at least three hours, toasting the man of the hour with pitcher after pitcher of beer. Riley was feeling a little woozy herself. She didn’t usually drink this much, but Brian had been named president of the law review – a feather in his cap that surely meant he was on his way to brilliant career.

“Here’s to the smartest brother in the five boroughs.” 

“Wait, wait, wait,” Brian said holding up a hand. “I actually think I’m the smartest in the tri-state area,”

Everyone laughed.

“My bad.” His friend Malik gave Brian some pound. “I wouldn’t want to geographically limit you to New York City when we all know your intellect is
boundless
. .
.”

“Shut up, Malik, your ass is drunk,” someone else cut him off.