Come What May (16 page)

21

Cortland

I didn’t tell anyone about Hazel’s offer. I knew exactly what they would say. Ryan would tell me to tap that shit quick, Mike would ask if I was gay since I hadn’t, and Scarlet would tell me she would do her if she were a guy, so why haven’t I? So I kept it to myself.

Maybe I was old-fashioned, but I couldn’t sleep with someone on such hollow grounds. When Scarlet and I messed around, there was still a relationship there. I was fond of her the moment I met her. Hazel was different. She said it was okay if she hooked up until we were better, but wouldn’t that make it worse? Wouldn’t the fucking make me miss the tender nights when I made love to Monnique? I guess Monnique would be in my head no matter what I did.

When I got depressed like this, I focused on all the progress I made. I was better than I was before. Monnique was still in my thoughts but not as much as before. I knew I made a break through when I finally left Scarlet’s house. But how long would it take me to get over it? Six months? A year? That was a long time.

My head was spinning with thoughts the entire time I was at work. Scarlet joined me for lunch like she always did. She
was always there, even it if was wordlessly. And she always made me something delicious. I checked with Sean repeatedly to make sure I wasn’t pissing him off by hogging all her attention, but he brushed it off and said it was fine. I was glad they came to a point in their relationship where there was nothing but trust for the other person. It reminded me how Monnique and I used to be…

Scarlet seemed sad today.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Sean’s mom came over last night.”

“Oh no.”

“She said I was an embarrassment to the family and she was upset we didn’t tell her I was pregnant.”

“She would have known if she apologized.”

Scarlet picked at her fruit cup.

“Don’t let her bother you. If anything, she’s an embarrassment.”

“I know…I just wish we could be close. Sean should have his family. I hate knowing I’m the wedge keeping them apart.”

I shook my head. “It’s not you, Scar. It’s her. She’s the one putting the strain on the relationship.”

“I don’t even care about image or saving face. I’d apologize and take the blame for everything if she would just like me and accept me. I want Sean to be happy.”

It amazed me how selfless Scarlet was. I didn’t understand why Diane had such a problem with her. Obviously, there were moments when Scarlet didn’t look her best, but they weren’t the worse things in the world. “Scar, let it go. She’ll come around when she matures. It’s just unfortunate that she’s an adult and still needs to grow up.”

“Thanks…for making me feel better.”

“You’ve been my crutch for the past three months,” I said with a smile. “I’m always willing to return the favor.”

She gave me a serious look. “I’m happy you’re doing so much better. God, I was scared for a while.”

Those were some dark times. “Me too.”

“So, you like Hazel? She’s a sweet girl.”

“Yeah, she’s great.”

Scarlet stared at me, pressuring me to say something more.

“I’m not ready to date.”

She sighed. “When will you be ready?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly.

“I hope you aren’t waiting for Monnique to come back…”

“I’m not,” I said immediately. “In fact, all this time apart has made me start to think about everything. Sometimes I wonder if she really loved me at all.”

“I’ve been thinking about it too…but I don’t doubt she loved you
, Cortland.”

“I just don’t think it was as much as she claimed. How could she walk out on me? I don’t know who the hell she slept with and I’ve never asked.” I felt the anger rise so I swallowed it back.

“Maybe the break up was best,” she said gently. “I think you’re the greatest guy in the world. And you deserve the greatest girl.”

Scarlet always said the sweetest things to me. “Thanks…”

“When you’re past this, you’re gonna find someone really amazing. She’ll be a supermodel but she’ll eat like a pig. She’ll beat Mike at every round of poker. She’ll be a gymnast.” She gave me a wink and I laughed. “And she’ll be fucking awesome.”

“I’ll go get her right now,” I said with a laugh. “Where do I find her?”

“You have to search. The journey is always the best part.”

22

Scarlet

“Cortland tapping that girl?” Sean asked over dinner.

“No,” I said with a sigh.

“Wow. I’d be going crazy right now.”

“You wouldn’t if you lost me.”

His eyes softened. “Well, that’s totally different. I’d kill myself if I did.”

I knew he wasn’t joking. Our relationship had become stronger since we got married. Now it was hard to imagine a life without him there. He was the other half of me. Now we were a set. Ryan and I used to be the inseparable pair, but Sean quickly changed that. I was surprised the transition was so easy.
“Hazel seems like a great girl for him. I just wish he would move on already. Monnique doesn’t deserve the vigil he has for her in his heart.” I was bitter about Monnique because we used to be such good friends. Now I didn’t even know her. She was so horrible to me when I went to Seattle. It broke my heart. Why did I push everyone away?

Sean caught the look. “Scarlet, she’s the one with the problem, not you. Don’t blame yourself.”

“It’s hard not to…”

“I know, baby.”

We finished our dinner and talked about work. Neither one of us mentioned Diane. The wound was still fresh.

A knock on the door interrupted our conversation. I wasn’t in the mood to see his mom right now, unless she had a change of heart. Sean had the same hesitation. I could see it in his eyes. “I’ll get it.” He tossed his napkin on the table then opened the door. A moment later, Sean shouted for me. “Baby, come here.”

I waddled across the house until I reached the doorway. I stopped in my tracks and almost fell over when I realized who it was. “Monnique?”

She stood in the doorway, looking like she just finished crying. A taxi was in the driveway, still running. Monnique had her purse over her shoulder. She wouldn’t look at me, her face downcast.

My immediate reaction was concern. “Are you okay? Is everything alright?”

“I got your voicemail,” she whispered.

“Oh…”

She sniffed. “I need to talk to him.”

“Well, he’s not here.”

“Could you tell me where he lives? I went to the house but he sold it.”

“Because he couldn’t stand to be inside,” I jabbed.

Sean eyed me but didn’t speak.

Monnique shifted her weight, looking uncomfortable. “Scarlet, I’m sorry for everything. I wasn’t fair to you. I wish I could take it back.”

I didn’t respond
. I didn’t know how I felt in the moment. But a part of me was still angry.

“I miss you,” she said. “You were my best friend.”

My heart started to thaw.

“I realized what I lost. Not just Cortland, but my extended family. I miss everyone. I wish I hadn’t left…”

“We all wish that,” I said gently.

She took a deep breath and her eyes started to bubble. “Do you think he’ll take me back?”

I had no idea what Cortland would do. Three months had passed and he just started to move on. And he seemed bitter about the relationship. He even questioned it. “I really don’t know…”

The tears fell. “God, I’m too late.”

While I was still resentful for the way she treated my best friend, my sympathy came forth. I was naturally pulled to her. I gave her a hug and patted her on the back. I wanted to console her with words but I couldn’t find anything to say. She made her decision and she had to live with it.

She cried into my shoulder, holding me tight.

Sean stood in the doorway, looking awkward. He kept his silence and gave us our moment.

I pulled away and watched Monnique wipe her tears away.

“If he says no…I can stay here for a while?” she whispered.

“Are you moving back?”

She nodded. “I won’t stop until I get him back.”

Where was this resilience three months ago? “Of course.”

“Now can I have his address?”

I didn’t know if I should hand
it over. But Monnique seemed determined. They would talk eventually. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I texted to her then put my phone away. “Good luck.”

Sean unloaded her luggage from the cab and carried it inside. Monnique got into the backseat and waved as the car took off. Sean and I stood in the doorway and watched the road until her car was gone.

Sean turned to me. “What do you think is going to happen?”

“I have no idea.”

23

Cortland

I just wanted to be alone tonight. Ryan invited me over to have dinner with him and Janice but I ate a leftover sandwich instead. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. After the long day I had, I just wanted to stare at my TV in silence.

Hazel
called me but I ignored her. I’d call her back in the morning. She probably wanted to know what I decided in regards to our physical relationship. But I already knew my answer.

It wasn’t going to happen. I may be depressed but I still had my morals. I knew exactly what kind of man I was.

A knock on the door made me groan. Ryan probably came over to drag me back to his apartment. I appreciated his constant wing of protection but I was passed the point. I could be alone in my own apartment and not give into the darkness.

I opened my door. “Dude, I’m tired—” My words disappeared when I saw Monnique on the other side. She wore leggings and a sweater. Her hair was pulled back and diamond earrings were in her ear lobes—the earrings I got her.

I was speechless. Was she real? Was I dreaming? I fantasized about this moment so many times. She begged me to take her back, I said yes, and we got our happily ever after. But that was months ago. My wishful thinking had disappeared.

I cleared my throat and suddenly realized I was shirtless. I felt awkward.
“Umm…hi.”

The pain and emotion was prevalent on her face. The built up unspent tears shined in her eyes. “Hi.”

I stood in the doorway, too paralyzed to think. I should invite her in but I couldn’t function at the moment. “Why are you here? Is everything okay?”

“No, everything isn’t okay,” she said with a heavy voice.

I waited for her to elaborate, to explain why she was on my doorstep.

She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she did, tears fell. Even after all this time, it still pained me to watch them fall. It was like someone stuck a knife between two of my ribs. “I…I was so stupid. I was just so hurt and angry. I didn’t know what to do. So I ran…”

“For three months.” I don’t know why I said that. I just did.

“I know…”

I shifted my weight.

“And I’m sorry that I did. Being without you has been so hard.”

What do I say? Do I tell her how I cried over her for two weeks? That I was so weak, I lived with Scarlet for two months because I had no will to live? She didn’t have any right to talk about pain.

She wiped her tears away. “I can’t stand the idea of you being with anyone else. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want you to end up with anyone else but me.”

I didn’t like thinking about her being with other men either. It was nauseating.

“Do you love this girl?” She didn’t look at me, afraid of the answer.

Huh? “What girl?”

“Hazel.”

How did she know that? “Hazel is my friend.”

“Scarlet said you were seeing her.”

“When?” I asked.

“After she came to me in Seattle, she called me and told
me you moved on with someone else…and I lost my chance.”

Now I was more confused. “When did Scarlet go to Seattle?”

“A few months ago.”

It must have been that bogus business trip they were on. “Why?”

“She begged me to take you back. And I was stupid and said no.”

“Scarlet did that for me…?” I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

“She’s your best friend. Why wouldn’t she?”

Scarlet must have lied to Monnique as a final tactic. Who knew it would actually work. “Scarlet may have said I was seeing someone, but I’m not.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank god.”

I was pleased by her reaction.

“Cortland, I know I have a lot of making up to do, but please take me back. I forgive you for everything.

Whoa…hold on. “You forgive me for everything?” I asked incredulously. “Monnique, I didn’t do anything wrong. I told you about
me and Scarlet. I was honest.”

“I know. I’m sorry I overreacted. Even if you did love Scarlet, I don’t want to lose you.”

“Why didn’t you feel this way three months ago?”

“I don’t know…I guess
my pride.”

“Your pride?” I asked. “You threw us away for your pride?”

“I said I was sorry and I was stupid. I admit it, Cortland. I’m sorry, okay? Please give me another chance.”

I wanted to. I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her. I never wanted to let go. But something held me back. “I don’t know…”

More tears fell. “Cortland, I’ll do anything to get you back. I love you.”

There they were. The words I longed to hear for months. I checked my phone excessively, hoping a text message would contain those three simple words. “You asked me to never see Scarlet again. You asked me to end my friendship with Ryan. How could you ask me that if you loved me?”

She covered her face. “I wish I could take it back.”

“You can’t. That’s reality.”

“I know.” She sniffed loudly and wiped more tears away. “But I know you love me. If you haven’t moved on, then you must be as in love as I am.”

I couldn’t deny t
hat. Hazel offered herself to me freely and I still couldn’t do it. I hardly looked at other women. Every time I beat off to porn, I felt like I was betraying Monnique. “It’s not that simple…”

She stepped closer to me, her hands moving to my arms. When she touched me, my heart betrayed me and sped up. Every time we came near each other, the chemistry started to burn. She was the only one who had this affect on me. And she was the only one who ever would.

“Cortland, please give me another chance. I love you. I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for everything I did. I promise.”

God, I wanted to take her back. I could sleep with her that night and feel her body next to mine. I wouldn’t be alone. But I couldn’t. “I can’t.”

Her eyes sagged in despair. “Please don’t say that to me…”

I felt the emotion escape my voice. “You can’t just come back and say you’re ready to be with me again. It doesn’t work like that. You left me, high and dry. And you never fucking called me. Not once.” I didn’t mean to yell. All the resentment I felt came out. “You never checked on me to see if I was okay. Monnique, I was dead. I lived with Scarlet for two months because I couldn’t be alone. That’s how much you hurt me. I sobbed my heart out when I woke up and you weren’t there. Every day has been pure torture. I wondered what you were doing, and I couldn’t help but feel angry. How could you leave me so easily? You claim to love me, but it doesn’t make sense. Sean screwed Scarlet over countless times, but she still never deserted him, not in the
way you did to me. And you had no right to be as upset as you were.

“I fucked Scarlet. So what? And yes, I loved her. But then I met you and those feelings disappeared. Do you think I could stand to be around her every day if I still felt that way? See her with her husband while she carried their child?”

Monnique averted her gaze, unable to see the anger and pain on my face.

“No. You can’t just show up on my doorstep, say you’re sorry, and expect everything to be okay, at least not after three damn months. I just started to move on. I just started to put my life back together, and now you’re at my fucking apartment. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I’ve never yelled at her like this. I’ve never gotten this upset. And I’ve never cursed at her. But those days were over.

“What the hell were you doing for three months? You finally decide to come back because you think I’m sleep
ing with someone? It sounds like you don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me.”

“No…”

“You walked away from this relationship without looking back. You made love to me, watched me cry while I begged you to stay with me, but you still left in the morning like a coward. You’re a coward!”

She stepped back and crossed her arms over her chest, cowering away from me.

“I’m not done. Don’t close off from me!”

She looked down.

“Look at me!”

Tears streaming down her face, she met my gaze.

“I have no idea what to think about our relationship anymore. Was it real? Did it mean anything to you? Was I just a rebound from your ex?”

“Of course, not—”

“Shut the fuck up.”

She flinched at my words.

“You’re such a damn hypocrite.” All the imaginary conversations I had with Monnique finally came out. All the things I wished I had said to her before she left. All the anger I felt for the past three months flew out of my mouth. “You just moved onto me because I was nice to you and treated you the way you deserved. But you were just trying to get over your ex. And you have the nerve to accuse me of doing that with you, which is totally fucking preposterous! I made sure you were loved by me every single day. I never took you for granted, but you tossed me aside as garbage.”

“I know…I know.” She sobbed. “I know I fucked this up. I admit that. I know!”

“I don’t think you do,” I snapped. “You didn’t see me every day as I tried to pull myself back together. You know who did? Scarlet, Sean, Ryan, Janice, and Mike. They were there for me every single day, making sure I had the support I needed. It should have been you. You should have stayed and worked out this relationship with me. But no, as soon as the ride got bumpy, you took off. I was going to marry you, Monnique. Your ring is sitting in my fucking nightstand but now I’ll never use it. But I can’t just throw it away. It just sits there.”

She covered her face again. “Cortland…stop.”

I knew I was a total jackass to her, but it came out. I had to get it off my chest. And honestly, I felt a little better for doing it.

“I get it…” She dropped her hands and looked at me. “Is that your final decision?”

I didn’t know… I was so angry with her, almost hated her, but when I looked at her face my heart told me to take her back. I loved this girl and I wanted her in my arms again. It was so conflicting, it was giving me a headache. But if I did, I knew it would never be the same. I would always resent her for what she did to me. I would always worry she would do it again. As soon as we had a fight, she would take off. I already went through the heartache once. I couldn’t do it again. “Yes.”

She stepped back and shook her head slightly. I could tell she was hoping for a different answer. “Okay…”

“I’m sorry.”

She nodded. “God…I can’t believe this is happening.”

“I know…”

“I can’t believe I have to live with this for the rest of my life.”

I hated hearing her talk like that. It was depressing me, making me doubt my decision. “You should go back to Seattle.”

“No…”

“No?”

“I’m staying here. I know you said you wouldn’t take me back, but you may change your mind…in time.”

“Monnique, please don’t waste your time.”

“I gave up on our relationship once. I won’t do it again.”

Where was this when I needed it? Why did she have to lose me to realize what she wanted? Why did I have to suffer? “There is no relationship if there’s only one person in it. And now it’s clear there’s always been just one person in it.” I knew the words were cold, but it’s how I felt.

She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at the wall.

I may be angry with her, resent her, and couldn’t take her back, but I still loved her—deeply, passionately, and irrevocably. And I still cared about her. “Where are you staying?”

The change in topic calmed her down slightly. “With Scarlet.”

“She forgave you?”

“Partially,” she whispered. “I know I still have some work to do.”

Scarlet was innately nurturing and forgiving, but I knew she wouldn’t just let this go. But I wasn’t surprised she let Monnique stay with her. That sounded like Scarlet. “I’ll take you back.” I turned to grab my keys and my shirt.

“No,” she said immediately. “It’s okay.”

“I don’t want you taking a cab this late at night in the city.”

“I’m not your problem anymore.” She walked off before I could speak. I pulled my shirt on quickly then grabbed the keys. I dashed out of the apartment
and caught up with her down the hallway.

“Let me take you,” I said firmly.

Tears poured down her face. “You’re just torturing me!”

I stepped back at the venom in her voice.

“Just…let me go, okay?” She turned away and took the emergency stairs.

I was rooted to the spot, feeling the weight of the pain land on my shoulders. I didn’t want to be with her anymore, so I knew I had to let her go. She was right. I couldn’t revert to our relationship and keep it separate from reality. Even though it broke my code of ethics, I stayed i
n the hallway and let her walk the streets of New York alone, knowing she wasn’t my girl anymore.