Cognata: A Vampire Romance (14 page)

Was I in Constantinople again?

I couldn't take it much longer. I needed to be free, but I knew full well if I were to flee, I'd be hunted, tortured and killed. Part of me wanted that as the times grew more absurd, desperately trying to find a way for them to crucify me to the stake or rip my heart out and tear me to shreds - just anything to set me free from the deceit; I was more than willing to do. Until one day,
he
came to me and as fate would have it, it would indeed grant me my coveted freedom for a price that to this very day, I still pay...

Nathaniel

Nathaniel,

by Alexia Phokaina

"This is the unfolding, of the forsaken, creatures of shadow, locked in a haze of unending, with blood dripping down their lips, looking for a glimmer, in an eon that will never come."

Nathaniel was a pure-blooded human when I met him. He knew well of my kind and was not the type to be deceived by either human or nightwalker. He had a mind of his own; a noble artist, a painter and a writer with a highly esteemed intellectual and philosophical capability. Although his appearance was not spectacular, he did take care of himself and he was a luminary in his field of art, with good influence on the people of Romania.

Caelinus sometimes visited him personally, requesting certain pieces of poetry, song and art for both public and Order usage. One day I was offered to meet the young man, as Caelinus was determined to take Halona's image up a notch. He wanted to create a god not only for blood drinkers, but for humans. This was when I met Nathaniel. He was to draw me, in my royal, golden garments covered from neck to toe. I remember how infuriating it was to accept the offer. I denied Caelinus the pleasure of taking me there for years, until one day, I simply gave in.

It had arrived to that point where I could no longer care. They'd beaten the drive clean out of me. My enthusiasm to save my people was murdered like a peasant street whore. I became the literal walking dead. For years I bellowed, crying my eyes out behind the curtains, hoping like the fools who worshipped me that somehow, it would all end. One day the people, all of them - would wake up and it would all be over.

But it never ended. The pain never went away. It only grew worse as time passed by. I'd cried so much that my face became a pale, detached statue - mirroring my maker's archaic sadness and I could no longer 'feel' anything. There was not a day I was happy, nor a day I was sad, and that is what drove me to the point of insanity. I could no longer cry, even if I wanted to. There was nothing left in me. No tears. No anger. No longing. Nothing to give. Nothing to hope for. Nothing to be. I shriveled into nothingness and the irony of it was, I tried to be the opposite.

I tried to be the savior, despite my role being preordained to be nothing more than an illusion of it. I tried to spread my wisdom. I tried to tell them,
no - let's not go that direction, let us try to be better, return to our former glory. Be guardians of this world.
None of it worked. None. All of it failed. In the end, I really, really, really... became the puppet queen on the strings, and with dried up eyes and nothing more inside, I was completely theirs to command.

"Milady, are you alright?" Nathaniel's curiosity got the better of him as he sat some feet away from me, prepared to paint the new religious depiction of my uncaring face.

"Why do you care? Do your duty and be done with it!" I didn't even look him in the eye. I kept my face pointed as the artist needed it. I could tell he was shuffling around, knowing his place. He knew I was a 'vampire' and he knew well not to cross the line.

And yet he decided to step over it anyway.

"I don't know if I can."

I felt a sense of irritation. I wanted the painting completed, so I could retreat to my quarters and fall into a deep slumber until I was needed again. I looked at the human with a sense of disgust. I couldn't understand what Caelinus saw in him. His art, while impressive to the others, did not mean much to me personally. I was simply tolerating him.

"You are testing my patience, mortal." I glared at him fiercely inserting the thought in his mind to
hurry up.

"I'm sorry, I did not mean any disrespect." He pleaded. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on, and yet, the saddest person I have ever met in my life. I can only wonder, why?"

"There are things best left unspoken." I shifted my eyes to the ground, trailing away from him in shame.

"I understand. Should we, perhaps, wait for a better time? When there is a clearing in your life?"

"A clearing?" I scoffed, "There will be no clearing. This is the life I will live till the day I die."

Nathaniel shook his head - "Don't say that."

"I fail to understand why you care so much. You've been paid quite handsomely for this, haven't you? Get to work."

"I am prepared to return all of it, if it would mean you come back at a time when I can see you smile."

"What difference does it make if I smile or not? It's just a picture!"

"No." He smiled at my ignorance which I will say - stimulated me, because of the challenge he presented, "This picture will capture your essence. It will go on after the dust from your bones dries away. It is an art form that will never diminish. You deserve better than what you degrade yourself to."

That was it. I got to my feet and in the snap of a finger, I pounced at him, purposely infusing the atmosphere so cold, it froze him to his soul. I was angry. Furious, that this...
mortal
- should challenge me. Not even the Cognati dared be so intrusive,
who did he think he is?

"You know nothing of me!" My hand wrapped around his throat and my nails pierced his neck while I pinned him down with my knees against his arms, sitting on his chest as I looked down fiercely, fangs unsheathed - "Little human... "

Nathaniel could only look up at me, with teary eyes begging me not to kill him. His face was sincere and when I delved into his mind, I saw something I hadn't seen in centuries - care. This was someone who actually cared and I could not bring myself to understand why.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

My grip loosened around his neck as I tilted my head in curiously trying to understand his true intention. He knew I was a blood drinker. He knew my kind raped humans - why did he feel anything for such depraved monstrosities such as myself?

I am forsaken. A creature of the shadow, locked in an endless haze of unending, with blood dripping down my lips, looking for a glimmer in an eon that will never come.

"I do not understand you." The words flowed out of my mouth in a dazzled confusion.

I couldn't stand to be there any longer. I was 'feeling' again. Something I had grown distant from. And to further aggravate things, he was a human.
How could a human do that to me?
It was ludicrous to think of such nonsense. I stormed out the door, Caelinus and the royal Halonic guards right behind me wondering,
what on earth happened?
I did not tell them anything. Only the strict demand they never take me back to that place, ever again. I tasted the bitter mirage of a gift most unwanted - hope, and I wanted nothing to do with it. As we left, I looked back to see if he'd be there, and he was. Right at the door, hoping I'd come back with eyes that told me I mattered to him.

That night pushed me over the edge. I thought I'd defeated the weakness of tears and yet they were there again, streaming down my face, making me entreat in agony - a death that would never come. My servants tried to calm me,
'Lady please! All is not so bad! Please, be still!'
They'd go on and on and on, and all I wanted was for them to shut their bloody mouths and let me sink into the seventh layer of hell.

No stake would do it. No silver cross, nor any banishment from a holy priest could weaken a true, living blood drinker. We were bound to die sooner or later, just like humans. The only difference being that everything was prolonged. Some of us persisted for thousands of years, while some of the ancients, like Sergio - were over 25,000 years old. We were more durable, faster and supposedly full of steel, but we were mortal in the bitter end.

And I knew how to take my own life.

I knew what had to be done, so I waited. I waited until no one eyed me. When everyone else went to their quarters and their coffins, and they thought their precious queen would be alright. Then the right moment came. In the silence of the starry moonlight, I went out into the open fields, outside the citadel, in nothing more than a humble, white nightdress.

How fitting I should die in such a plain outfit.

I walked out a distance till my legs gave way and I dropped to my knees in the meadow. I looked up at the moon, and she stared right back at me - telling me to
come home.
I smiled with a tear dripping down my cheek. The air around me became still. Light vanished as my eyes closed and my focus grew strong. I concentrated on nothing, binding the power of my dark gifts to come alive. The power began surging throughout my entire body. A soft gasp escaped my lips, and it reminded me of the beauty of these powers. But at that time, nothing could change my mind.

I was ready to let it all go.

My right hand became engulfed in a fiery-blue energy that manipulated the very matter around me. I parted my nightdress with my left hand, unveiling my naked chest, pointed to the center of my heart.

This is it
, I sighed.
The moment of release is at hand.
I would pull out my own, black heart and bleed till I could bleed no more and alas, my death would be complete... and I would be free.

My fist was clenched, ready to unleash the deepened sense of hatred that damned me to this hell, all against myself. I didn't hesitate. I wanted to make sure I had enough energy to penetrate my body so violently that there would be no coming back.

"Don't!" A whispered voice called from the shadows on my right.

Who dared follow me here?!

I quickly rose to my feet, extending my open palm toward the bushes - still charged with raw energy, waiting to pulverize whatever fool decided to interrupt my self-righteous suicide.

"You are a fool for coming here." I spoke to whatever hid in the shadows, unafraid of the implications of my possible folly. I was out there to die. Should it be a monster to kill me, they'd only be doing my will.

"You're right." He stepped out of the shadows, showing his scruffy, skinny features as the moonlight touched his sun-burnt face; Nathaniel.

"
You
... " I hissed, ready to tear him to shreds, "Why are you here?!"

"For you." His eyebrows shot up and his eyes grew weary in despair, begging me not to do anything rash. I crunched my hand into a ball and the energy dispersed into a small implosion, sending an aftereffect wave that would have floored Nathaniel had he not caught himself in time. I shook my head in disbelief at him.

"What do you want from me?"
That was the only thing I could ask.

"To see you at peace again." He held his hands right above his pelvis respectfully.

"I don't need peace. I need an end."

"What of a peaceful end?"

I couldn't believe the nerve of this little creature.

"Do you understand who I am, human?"

"I know exactly who you are, Halona."

"And yet you still approach me. Stalk me, even! Why should I entertain this... this, ridiculous drama, a second longer?"

"Because you would have killed me already if that was your intention."

I laughed at his overzealous ambition and rolled my eyes.
Sure, keep telling yourself that.
Frankly, I didn't care if he were to witness my suicide. I dropped right to my knees and prepared the ritual again. But this time, I would be surprised when I reopened my eyes. He held my hand in his own, his face so full of fear, but full of trust and concern.

"Please don't do this." He begged.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Please, don't do this... " He repeated as if he'd read my mind. "This isn't the way. You're worth more than this. Don't give in."

I shook my head, tears welled in my eyes, "Why do you care so much?"

"Why is there a night, and why is there a day? Why do stars fall and why do planets form? It happens because it is nature's way. It is the same reason I am here. I cannot stand by and watch you fall a moment longer. I am nature, reaching out to you."

"I'm already fallen, you coy poet. All that's left for me is to seal my fate."

"No." The same
'no'
he'd given me earlier in that demanding tone caught my utmost attention yet again. "You were falling but now, you have the chance to be soaring."

He held my hand close to his lips and gave it a tender kiss.

"Don't lose sight of who you are. It is through great pain that we become stronger. Hold on, Halona. Your time will come, and all this, all the burdens - the scars, the tears, the worries; all of it, will be worth it."

Unreal.
This human? I could not believe what was happening. A mere man of flesh and bone, a blood vessel by all means was out there making me feel something that not even my maker understood. He did not care for my divine image nor did he care to make me feel special. He cared about me as a person
. Cruel fate, why must he be human?

"I cannot understand why someone such as you would have as much as a thought for a monster like me. I... " It was hard to stop myself from breaking down, my eyes were drenched already. "I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything." He released my hand and honestly, I wished he hadn't, "Go home. Live. Fight for tomorrow. One day
it will
be well."

I stayed rested on my knees while he proceeded to walk away to wherever it was he had come from. I couldn't let him go so easily - "Wait!" I bellowed, "What is your name, creature?"

He smiled as he casually turned around.

"Nathaniel. My name is Nathaniel."

And then something happened. Something I thought he'd never get the pleasure of ever witnessing. I smiled.

I actually smiled.