Coffin Island (14 page)

Welcome to the finishing school of
witchcraft, Crypt Island. However the upper class witches are
apparently previously engaged. So don’t expect a warm welcome from
them if you sneak past the doorman, the flaming whale. At least on
Coffin Island we were punishment worthy. Flash went right after us.
Apparently on Crypt Island we weren’t worthy of a hostile attack.
Flame on fiery whale, I thought. Flame on, my brother. Keep that
warm welcome alive, shudder.

However you’ll get nothing but the cold
shoulder from the upper class witches on Crypt Island. They aren’t
even going to sick their flaming whale on you. Because you aren’t
even worth it! That was the general gist of Crypt Island as far as
I could tell. Although it was frankly hard to tell because the cold
shoulder was so pronounced that it was difficult to tell if it was
even being applied. Am I being ignored or not here?

It was very hard to tell because the
rulers of this world were not even acknowledging us with an insult.
Maybe we had snuck in under the radar of that flaming whale. As
always what to do next when faced with these incessant challenges
of an indeterminate nature?

I suppose I was beginning to understand
why Professor Coffin enjoyed his tumblers of rum. Witchcraft was
deeply troubling. Why not enjoy a hearty snoot and then try to
fathom the murk? Or just black it out on the demon rum. Take off
all your clothes and skinny dip with the primordial sharks. Let’s
just end this whole farce with a snap from a barnacle covered
apocalyptic.

Crypt Island was made entirely out of
glass. It distracted the mind a bit. There was a city on the shore
that looked like Old Havana in glass! It was constructed entirely
out of blown glass. I shuddered when I thought of the enormity of
the lungs that had blown it. We’ll always have Old Havana in glass.
Somebody shoot me.

Perhaps there was a giant hunkered down
around here somewhere with a set of dastardly pipes. Perhaps he was
just slaving over his hideous furnace. Perhaps the giant is too
occupied throwing humans into his furnace. That giant will be with
us shortly. Then it’s lights out for you. Sizzle, pop, Booster
Boo.

I hoped that the hideous giant had died
a quiet death of exhaustion. He had expired somewhere out in the
wasteland and then the carrion birds had then taken over. It would
explain the lack of population, I suppose. The giant had stomped
everyone to death. Or he had simply just eaten them. Then the
murderous giant had hurled his overworked person into the ocean.
But where were the bones? Had the flaming whale devoured them?
Perhaps the sharks of the apocalypse feasted on bones.

There had to be a plausible explanation
for Crypt Island. Perhaps the flaming whale was also terrestrial.
However that panic had to be shelved. There were more pressing
matters for the overworked mind to panic over.

Old Havana in glass was chief among
them. It had an appalling shudder factor. It kept that overworked
mind busy. The point of blowing an entire city out of glass seemed
to be to blow your mind. I worked that out. It worked too. Old
Havana in glass was mind blowing.

It was a hand blown chandelier that had
been expanded into a metropolis. Why not? If you’re going to
replicate Old Havana in glass, you might as well take a few
artistic liberties. Blow that glass pipe big or go home. Chase that
dragon all the way to his crystal cavern.

Is that heavy cut crystal too? Why not
spice it up a bit in Old Havana in glass? We don’t mind a little
classic crystal too especially if it takes the form of skyscrapers.
Why not make that classic crystal touch the heavens? You want to
make those savages that darken your doorstep shudder.

We were shuddering in stereo. Old
Havana in glass just peep it. It was horrific. But it was also
wildly beautiful. It was definitely a magic trick of sorts. Perhaps
it was a practical joke too. It was some sort of high level
trickery. Why not prank these witches a bit from the lower school.
Show off with our magic act.

Put that white rabbit back in that hat.
Stop sawing the lady in half. And don’t throw knives at me while
I’m strapped to The Wheel of Death because I know you’re thinking
about that too. I’m going to permit you to chain me and dump me
over the falls in a barrel because I’m going to escape from this
test. Bring it on, witchcraft.

Chapter

You couldn’t quite place your emotional
response to Old Havana in glass. Should you shatter this
abomination? Or move it into a museum? Perhaps construct a dome
over it? Then snake an appalling rollercoaster through all the
blown glass. Crank out a few loops through that city of
glass.

An amusement park of the absurd seemed
like a pretty plausible solution. Unfortunately there was already
one constructed. I can’t say that I was looking forward to stepping
on a glass rollercoaster. The fact that someone had the audacity to
snake a rollercoaster through Old Havana in glass was particularly
disturbing. What sort of madman does something like that just for
openers? Tacks a sign right over the entrance that says The
Rollercoaster of The Absurd? That’s not nice.

Step right up and climb aboard, The Old
Havana in glass Rollercoaster of The Absurd! Hop on board. We’re
going to loop through this delicate city of glass at terrifying
speed. We might lose a couple of customers. Or just jump the track
and crash into a spire of glass. Wipe out the entire
ride.

Don’t let the fact that Old Havana in
glass is totally devoid of carnival freaks trouble you. You’re the
carnival freak, you see? We’ve built this city of glass so we can
observe you. There is nowhere to hide in a world constructed
entirely out of glass. That seemed to be one of the selling points.
You have absolutely no place to hide in a world of
glass.

Crypt Island made Coffin Island seem
downright civilized. Presumably not all the wombats could peer at
you at you at the same time on Coffin Island. Here it was no
problem. Everything was glass. Privacy as a concept didn’t even
exist on Crypt Island. What was there to be private
about?

Crypt Island was devoid of population.
What is the possible meaning of an artistic city with a declared
Rollercoaster of The Absurd that is totally empty? Was there a
message in this bottle? Was this a message in the bottle city? Why
not? Witchcraft demands something this horrible. However how do you
decipher the note if there isn’t even a note? Perhaps we weren’t
note worthy. Or more likely we were the note.

There seemed to be some sort of
artistic play here. An empty city of glass was some sort of object
of art. It was merely blown up to the metropolis level. Perhaps the
flaming whale was the keeper of the gallery. Perhaps we were meant
to stand at gallery distance in silence and ponder this delicate
city of glass with the Rollercoaster of The Absurd. And we were
doing it. Are you satisfied witchcraft?

That’s all I planned to do. Let the
artist come out of Old Havana in glass and explain this fascinating
city of glass with the Rollercoaster of The Absurd which was
running right through it. I wasn’t going to criticize his work.
That’s for sure.

“
Welcome to Old Havana in
glass,” I said. “I’ll be your tour guide for Crypt
Island.”

“
You owe me,” Madison
snorted. “Seeing as I took you on such a fabulous tour of Coffin
Island.”

“
How do you like the tour so
far?” I asked.

Madison was just as dumbfounded as
me.

“
It’s strikingly beautiful,”
Madison laughed.

“
The colors are incredible,”
I agreed.

“
It’s a trick of the eye,”
Madison said.

“
Only it isn’t an illusion,”
I said.

“
It’s a hallucination,”
Madison said.

“
But it’s real,” I
said.

“
Which makes it even worse,”
Madison said.

“
You think it’s a trap?” I
asked.

“There is no question,” Madison
said.

“We don’t get on The Rollercoaster of
The Absurd?” I asked.

“Absolutely not,” Madison
said.

“You’re probably right,” I
said.

“
It’s designed to lure us
in,” Madison said.

“
There is also the hint of
cigar smoke everywhere,” I said.

“
It’s like catnip for me,”
Madison sniffed.

“
This is probably where the
cigars come from,” I said.

“
I certainly hope so,”
Madison said. “I’d prefer to die smoking even if it’s a
trap.”

“
Can you call down a cigar?”
I asked.

“
I don’t have any powers in
this world,” Madison sighed. “What about you?”

“
I can’t teleport out of
here,” I said. “I’ve already tried.”

“
I thought you were holding
my hand because you were scared,” Madison said.

“
There was that too,” I
admitted.

“
Welcome to witchcraft’s
third world, Headmaster Booster,” Madison snorted.

“
Where we are powerless,” I
said.

“
Everything is made out of
glass,” Madison.

“
And worst of all,” I said.
“Some upper class witches that don’t give a hoot are
in-charge.”

“
Where are they?” Madison
asked.

“
I think the flaming whale
ate them,” I said.

“
The planet Jupiter hints at
it,” Madison snorted.

“
I’m afraid to move,” I
said. “What about you?”

“I feel like a rabbit that is terrified
to move,” Madison said.

“We’re wombats in this world,” I
said.

“
I don’t even feel cruel,”
Madison said.

“
I’m not feeling too
confident myself,” I said.

“
I feel weak,” Madison
said.

“
That feeling that we’re
feeling,” I said.

“
It’s feeling human,”
Madison said.

“
It feels terrible,” I
said.

“I plan to take it up with whatever is
ruling this world,” Madison laughed.

“I’m sure that they will take a human
interest,” I said.

“
Damn ingenious if you ask
me,” Professor Coffin said while reclining on the deck of Doctor
Fast. He was taking a sunbath in his ancient drawers. “The blasted
upper class witches have thought of everything. They must have been
stealing our rum bottles for centuries. What a charming city of
glass. I wish I had thought of it. What an ingenious use of our
trash.”

“
I thought I told you to
throw him over the side to the sharks,” I said.

“
I was too busy screaming
during the storm,” Madison said. “There was that whole planet
Jupiter situation and then the flaming whale.”

“
That’s not a very good
excuse for the cruelest witch in creation,” I laughed.

“
I have to agree with
Booster,” Professor Coffin sniffed. “Have you no pride, witch? Toss
me over the side like a kindle of kittens.”

“
We’re saving you for a far
worse fate,” Madison said.

“
Crypt Island bait,” I
agreed.

“I’m feeling elderly and infirm in this
human condition,” Professor Coffin said. “Toss me over the side
gently to the rulers.”

“
Old Havana in glass looks
abandoned,” Madison said.

“
Not even upper class
witches want to live here,” I said.

“
Or something has killed
them,” Madison said.

Professor Coffin was prattling merrily
about us being human witches but we were ignoring him. He had been
talking almost continuously about this devolution since we had
arrived on Crypt Island but Madison and I were pretending that he
didn’t exist. Professor Coffin hadn’t seemed to notice. He was
lecturing us on the benefits of being a hitch. Human witches were
powerless but they were somehow witches nonetheless which was
somehow useful in a world of glass. I wouldn’t dignify any of his
nonsense.

If the rulers of this world were
ignoring me then why should I pay attention to Professor Coffin? I
also suspected that he was somehow in-charge of everything here.
Madison and I weren’t designing our own test. That was for sure. It
was either Professor Coffin or The Red Lady that was stowed below
deck. There weren’t any other culprits. Except for perhaps the
creature below deck but he was a late arrival and not a suspect. He
was a red herring that needed to be ignored.

Chapter

I was also quite occupied with working
through my Fear. It was so big that it required capital letters. I
was afraid that it might increase in hideous size if I didn’t give
it the proper respect. It was capital Fear. It was really getting
the best of me too like all great panic attacks of a
nonintellectual nature.

It was animalistic in nature.
Everything was telling me to run which was why I refused to do it.
Witchcraft was trying to manipulate me. Dashing into Old Havana in
glass was the quickest way to get killed. I just knew it. The
Rollercoaster of The Absurd hinted at it too. You don’t get on a
glass rollercoaster in a glass city. You just don’t do that in the
land of witchcraft if you want to live.