Clouded Innocence (9 page)

I had made my decision and I knew it was the right one. Then why did I feel like I would be sick every time I thought about our conversation out in the woods. I kept thinking about what Conner had said. He loved me and I knew I loved him. I loved him. What else was there? What else mattered? I threw the covers back and hopped out of bed. I paced the floor trying to figure out if I was sure I wanted to do this. I loved Conner and even though my father would never allow us to marry, I wanted to love him. I wanted to give him something that I would never be able to take back. I wanted him to have a piece of me. Then I thought about if I did not, would I regret not going to him? Would I always wonder what would have happened? What it would have been like? If I did not go, yes, I would regret it for the rest of my life. There was only one choice. Without giving myself a chance to change my mind, I made it to the door, opening it without so much as a peep.
 

Then, as quietly as a mouse, I walked down the hall toward Conner's room. The hall was blanketed in darkness, the only light came from the moonlit window at the opposite end of the long hall. I stood in front of the heavy, wooden door for a moment contemplating if I should go in. Would he want me to come in? After our lack of conversation over the past few days, then his absence from dinner, I really was not sure. There was only one way to be positive. I opened the heavy door as carefully as I had done my own and shut it softly behind me.

Conner sat up quickly and stared at me. The moonlight danced across his face showing off every defined detail. His bed sat next to the window, mirroring mine. The curtains were open, allowing the moonlight to enter which cast a soft glow to the dark room.

“Am I dreaming?” He asked tentatively.
 

“Shh... No.”
  I giggled, “Wait. You dream about me?” 

He smiled. “Every single night, but then again if I was dreaming you would say that I was not.”
 

Throwing the covers back he stood up. The sight of him moving closer to me made my breath catch in my throat.
 

“Well...” I said barely above a whisper, “How can I convince you that I am real?”
 

His smile grew. “I always wake up before I can touch you.” My eyes met his. They seemed to almost sparkle in the moonlight. I could see the need building in them. He brought his arms around me, tightly clutching me to him, almost as if he was afraid I would vanish. His lips pressed hard against mine as I ran my hands into his hair and pulled him closer.
 

The heat of his mouth seemed to radiate through me igniting my passion. I had not realized how intensely I would want him once I was face to face with my longing.

Conner's hands ran up my back and my shoulder as if reassuring himself that I was real. He then ran them down the sides of my hips to the back of my thighs. He grasped me there and effortlessly lifted me up. I sighed as his fingers caressed my bare skin. Wrapping my legs around him, he carried me to his bed. 

Too absorbed in kissing, we bumped into the bed and toppled over. Both of us laughed as we fell still wrapped in each other's arms. Conner released my legs and ran his hands through my hair. He stopped, just staring at me for a moment. It was completely silent except for our ragged breaths.
 

“You are so... beautiful.”

Smiling, I ran the back of my hand down the side of his face. “I have missed you Conner.”

I tilted my chin up to kiss him but before my lips touched his he asked, “Are you sure? There is no pressure here.” I looked over his face. Concern and doubt lingered in his expression.
 

“I love you, Conner. I have never been surer of anything in my life.” He smiled his beautiful crooked grin then leaned down to tenderly kiss my forehead, my cheeks, my nose, lastly my lips. Trailing his kisses on my neck, I felt my eyes close as I tried to wrap my mind around the sensation. It felt divine yet completely sinful.
 

I let a soft moan escape my lips before his mouth locked on to them. I gasped as his tongue slid into my mouth intertwining with mine, allowing me to enjoy the sweet taste of his mouth. My fingers ran through his hair then down his back pulling up the night shirt he was wearing. Grabbing the collar, he helped me pull the shirt over his head before he moved his mouth to tease my earlobe.
 

He scrapped his teeth softly against it, my body trembled in response. Lifting his head, he smiled at me then placed a soft kiss on my lips while running his hand down the soft curves of my body. My thoughts never wandered from him.
 

Quickly sitting up, he lifted me to a sitting position then lightly grasped the hem of my night gown making my breathing become so rapid that I thought I might faint. He looked at me, waiting for some response on whether to continue. All I could do was give a single nod. I felt every inch of fabric glide against my body as he slowly removed it. Throwing my gown to the ground, Conner's eyes danced over my bared skin. I took the opportunity to let my fingers graze over his chest. It was the first time I had ever seen a man’s bare chest.

I let my fingers run down his stomach feeling every defined, chiseled muscle.
Oh my,
even his body was marvelous. His skin was soft over his hard muscles. I knew I wanted him, more than desire or lust. I loved him and wanted him in every way possible. I wanted to feel the connection between us, which we had only ever toyed with, to ignite.

He gently laid me back down, letting his lips slowly examine my body. He started kissing my neck then moved slowly down to my shoulder. When his lips found my breasts, his tongue slowly ran around my nipple, teasing it. I moaned, overwhelmed with euphoria. He brought his hand up to lightly toy with the other nipple, causing my back to arch against him. He eased his mouth down my stomach and brought his other hand to rest on my hip. It slowly slid down my thigh, before sliding between my legs. I moaned when his thumb rubbed against the place where I ached. It amazed me that Conner knew exactly what my body wanted even though I was not entirely sure myself. My hand clenched the pillow, while my muscles stiffened. I was becoming too overwhelmed with the incredible sensation Conner was causing me. My skin tingled everywhere he touched me and it spread outward like a raindrop creating expanding ripples from its center.
 

I felt my legs begin to shake with the pleasure of it all. Conner noticed my body shuddering and stopped his pleasure assault. He ran his hands up and down my stomach finally resting them on my hips.

“Francesca, I do not want you to do anything you are not ready for.” I looked up at him. I could see in his face that he thought my body was trembling with fear. I bit my lip and raised my hand to brush it against his face. He leaned into my palm absorbing my touch. I gently pulled him back down to me, giving him a small, shaky kiss. 

My eyes stared into his as I raked my fingers down every sculpted muscle of his chest all the way down to the top of his trousers. With nervous fingers I popped open the clasp, never breaking eye contact. I then placed my fingers behind his neck as I pulled his lips towards mine. “Make love to me Conner,” I whispered. “Please.”

All hesitation gone, Conner's lips crushed against mine. He pushed his trouser off, sliding them from his body. He then settled himself in between my thighs, forcing my legs to fall farther apart for him. I could feel his hard length pressed against my entrance. With his lips on mine, he slowly began to ease into me. 

My hands gripped his arms as I felt him reach my barrier. He paused, eyes looking straight into mine.

“This will hurt, but only for a moment. I will stop to give you time to adjust to me.” He reassured me with a gentle tone.

I nodded my head. He slowly pressed himself in deeper. My body tensed and my head flew back with the sudden pain. He held still, like he said he would until I relaxed my grip on his arms then slowly he began to move. The pain eased and my body relaxed.

The sensation was overwhelming. My body welcomed his. All the fear and worries were gone. All that existed was us. He groaned slowly moving his body against mine. “You are stunning Francesca and you feel like heaven.”

My arms wrapped around his back clinging to him. I let out a soft moan of pleasure. “Oh Conner...” Conner gripped my thigh lifting it wrapping my leg around his hip deepening his thrust. His pace quickened. I felt his palm travel down my body as his lips found my neck. His hand lightly played with my nipple. I could feel something building up inside me. I did not know what it was, but I knew I wanted it. With each thrust it grew more intense until I felt myself chasing it. Conner's mouth was next to my ear when I heard him breathe the words, “I love you.” They were my undoing.
 

Like lightning, I felt a bolt of searing ecstasy move from my head down to my toes, and I heard a cry of utter euphoria release from my lips. The pleasure fell on me in waves. I felt Conner's body filling me with the white hot intensity of his release. It was the most satisfying experience of my entire life.

Chapter 11

Busted

The heat of the morning sun touched my bare back, awakening me. I was lying across Conner's warm chest. The room was absolutely still, with the exception of the gentle rise and fall of his chest from his slumbering breaths. Having his arms wrapped around me felt so natural, like I had spent a lifetime waking up in his arms instead of it being the first time.

If waking naked wrapped around him was not enough of a sign that last night was not a dream, my body certainly was. Every muscle ached, even my insides ached.
 

I untangled myself from his embrace carefully, not wishing to wake him then sat on the side of the bed for a moment, looking over myself. Everything looked the same but felt completely different. The world felt new and foreign to me. Yawning, I stretched my muscles and felt a twinge of discomfort. I stood, being careful not to disturb Conner, I padded across the floor to where my night gown laid and slipped it back on. As I made it to the door, I turned briefly glancing at Conner’s sleeping form. He looked so peaceful and at ease. Quietly, I returned to my room. I was completely exhausted but too thrilled to close my eyes again.

I decided to get dressed and head down to breakfast. It was a little early, but no matter. I took my time dressing, still convinced that with how different I felt, surely there should be something new in my appearance. Shinier hair, whiter teeth, something stamped across my forehead saying I had given away my virginity. But there was nothing. No sign, no indication whatsoever of last night's occurrence.

I made my way downstairs and took my regular seat.

I was just beginning to play through last night's events in my head. The way his fingers glided across my body. The way his lips felt on my skin, when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. My heart raced in my chest as I held my breath in hopes to see Conner, but instead Steven entered. I did my best to hide my disappointment, but I doubt I was successful.  

“You are here early?” He said with a furrowed brow.
 

“I could not sleep. What about you?”
 

“I could not sleep either.”

After our brief exchange, we sat quietly, until the sound of footsteps down the stairs caught my ear again. I turned to the doorway to watch Conner come through with a questioning look on his face. My heart moved into my throat and a grin was cast across my lips at the sight of him. His face relaxed as his stunning blue eyes spotted me, giving me a lopsided smile; nothing that would have looked out of place to an outsider. He casually entered the room. 

“Good Morning, Steven,” he nodded toward Steven as he took his seat.

“Francesca.” His voice changed, deeper, more seductive, when he spoke my name, sending shivers down my spine. He walked up and took his seat. 

Reaching for my hand under the table, he placed it on his knee and began running his finger in small circles all over it. My smile widened and I almost forgot that Steven was there. Conner released my hand causing the grin to fall from my face at the loss of his skin.
 

“Your parents saw me on the way down to breakfast and informed me that they will not be joining us this morning. They have more business to attend to in town.” He announced to us. Steven nodded his head in understanding. I smiled at Conner, squeezing his knee. With Lilly and my father gone, there was nothing stopping us from spending the day together.
 

“So how bad was last night?” Steven blurted out.
 

I swear I felt my eyes almost pop out of my head. I looked over at Conner, who was pale as a ghost, then back at Steven.
 

“What?” Conner choked in reply. I could not hide the look of shock on my face. How did Steven know? And why would he think it was bad? Steven looked confused himself.

“You know, you were ill last night.” Relief flooded through me.
Oh thank goodness he did not know. 

“What did you think I meant?” He asked with a chuckle. Neither of us was able to come up with a response. We both sat frozen. Steven's eyes danced back and forth between us before I lowered my head to hide from the train wreck that was about to unfold.

“Oh no!” He shouted clasping his hand over his eyes, “You two didn't. Did you?” My relief was short lived. Within minutes of being in a room with one other person and he figured us out. 

“Will you please keep your voice down?” Conner said firmly.
 

“Keep my voice down! You took my stepsister's virginity and you are telling me to keep my voice down?”
 Steven said in a hushed shout.

I had never seen Steven angry before and after seeing it, I never wanted to be on this side of his temper again. He was certainly a frightening sight to behold.

“Yes! There is no reason the entire house needs to become aware.” Conner replied in a firm whisper. 

“Oh god! You did. I cannot believe you two. I told you to be careful,” he pointed at me, then to Conner. “I warned you against it. Do you have any idea what her father is going to do when he finds out?” There was a pregnant pause.
 

“You are not going to tell him, are you?” I pleaded fearfully. Steven's gray eyes locked on me, anger burning in them. I immediately regretted drawing his attention to me.

“And risk him killing you both? Or worse, all three of us?” He sighed, taking a deep calming breath. “No, I will not tell him.” 

“Thank you.” I replied gratefully.
 

“Yes, well don't thank me,” he sighed. “It seems my appetite has left me. Excuse me.”
 Steven stood up and left the table. I looked up at Conner, his expression was unreadable. Gosh, I wish I knew what he was thinking. 

“Come with me,” he said as he grabbed my hand, pulling me from the table. He tugged me along all the way to our spot in the woods.
 

When we cleared the tree line he released my hand.
 

He walked over to the pond and he splashed some water on his face. There was a chill to the summer air. I was not sure if it was from the cool morning or if the chill was coming from Conner.
 

“I am sorry,” he replied throwing his arms over his face.
 

“About?” I asked looking down. My breathing became ragged; I was really not sure what he was apologizing for. I hoped it was not for last night.
 

“Steven. I should have had a response ready or something,” he admitted. “He is my best friend. I should have known he would notice something was different. I mean he knew I had feelings for you before I even became aware of them.”
 

“No Conner. How could you? You could not have known.” He looked over at me and noticed my nervous demeanor.
 

“Are you alright?” He asked.
 

I nodded. “I thought you were going to apologize for something else.” He walked over to me and slipped his hands around my waist, pulling me against him where I instantly relaxed. It reminded me of the night before. I had been aware of his body, wherever it touched mine. He had been firm, so powerful pressed against me. My stomach danced from the memory.

“No, Francesca. I do not regret last night.” He tilted my chin up, forcing me to look into his eyes. “Last night was wonderful. Intense. Passionate.” I blushed at his description. “Everything a first time should be.” He kissed my forehead while pulling me closer to him. I eased into his body absorbing his warmth, breathing in his scent, allowing it to fill my lungs. 

I knew I might regret it, but I could not stop myself from asking. “How did it compare to your first time?”

Conner pulled back slightly and I risked a quick glance. His brow was creased and he had a half smirk on his mouth. Letting out an amused sigh, he spoke. “There is no comparison, Francesca.” He grabbed the back of my neck, bending down to look directly at me, “I love you. I wish my first time could have been with you. It should have been. My single regret is that I did not wait long enough to find you.” I smiled and tilted my chin up to lightly kiss his mouth, but Conner pulled me in deepening it. I felt the same passion as I had the previous night. Before I knew it, my hands were tangled in his hair. His hands were exploring my body, running down the bodice of my dress, over my breasts, down my back. I reveled in the feel of him. His hands found my backside and squeezed. I let out a little yelp of pain. The small squeeze reminded me of my inside aches. 

“I am sorry, did I hurt you?” He looked at me, eyes full of concern.
 

I smiled reassuringly, “No. It is just...” I sighed pulling back from him feeling embarrassed.
 “I am kind of... Sore.” 

“Oh! Well I guess you would be... I am sorry. Here I am trying to maul you and...”
 

I cut him off. “Conner... Trust me, you were not taking it anywhere I did not want it to go myself. I just need a little time.” I reassured him running my hand up his chest.
 

He kissed me softly on the lips. “Of course. Take all the time you need.” I smiled at him.

I stood on my toes so I could press my lips against his. He tilted his head down to make it easier, then moved his lips to my neck sending chills of excitement through my body. I could tell waiting was going to be very difficult.

Conner pulled back from me. Grabbing my hand he pulled me toward the grass. We sat down and his arms instantly wrapped around my waist pulling me back against his chest. He just held me close for a bit. His body was like a cocoon of warmth and safety snugly wrapped around me. I inhaled deeply filling myself with comfort.

Conner sighed, “You remember how I still have three questions I can ask and you have to answer honestly?”

“Yes...” I said hesitantly.

“Last night you told me you loved me.” He pointed out.

“Yes, but that is not a question.” I teased, smiling, turning to face him.

He grinned knowingly, “When did you first realize it? When did you realize you first loved me?”

My eyebrows furrowed together trying to think when the exact moment was. “I was instantly attracted to you from the moment you stepped off that carriage,” I smiled.
 

“I was aware of that actually.” Now he teased me. I elbowed him softly in the stomach then continued as if he had not interrupted. “But I think it was when you were telling me about your mother. I realized how much we truly have in common. Also how easy it was to open up to you. I have never had that before.”

“How did she die?” He asked, rubbing his thumb up and down the exposed skin of my arm.

It was a very personal question, but after last night I did not think he and I could be more personal. “She just got sick.” I looked down at his hand on my arm. “She had a fever and did not get out of bed for days. By the time the doctor was called in, there was nothing that could be done.” I shook my head, trying to erase the memory. Truth was the memory had been burned in my brain. I would never forget those last few days. “I sat by my mother's side, giving her fresh cloths for her head, holding her hand. I had wondered if we had maybe called the doctor in sooner, if it would have made a difference...” I sighed. “The doctor said it would not have. The fever was going around and infecting many people. There was nothing that could be done.”

“I am so sorry,” he whispered.

I looked back to his handsome face. “Don't be Conner. Just be here when I need someone to talk about it. That is all I truly want.”

He smiled at me. “I can do that.”

He placed a light kiss in my hair. I turned into him absorbing his warmth.

* * *

That evening at dinner, I was a nervous mess. If Steven had figured out what happened between Conner and me just by being alone with us for a few moments, how swiftly would it be before Lilly, or worse my father, figured it out as well?

The slightest touch, the smallest bump, made my heart begin to race. It pounded so hard it felt as if it would beat right out of my chest. I was sure everyone could hear it, which only made it race faster. Conner smiled at me encouragingly, but it just made me more nervous. He reached over to grab my hand. I jolted, banging my knee on the underside of the table. Everyone's eyes lingered on me. I dropped my head pretending to be busy with my dinner. I heard a soft chuckle from Conner but I did not risk a glance to sneer at him even though I greatly wanted to.

Somehow we managed to get through dinner with no one the wiser. We did however get angry glances repeatedly from Steven, but no one seemed to notice except me.

I snuck into Conner's room that night and every night after that. I could not stand to sleep away from him. It was like something shifted and after sleeping in his arms I could not go back to sleeping alone. On the third evening, I could not refrain any longer. I crawled into his bed unsure how to initiate what I wanted. He held me close to him, wrapping me in his warmth. His scent was intoxicating. 

I lifted my head carefully; his eyes looked at me full of contentment and I knew holding me was all the intimacy he truly needed, but I desired more. Leaning in deliberately, I softly placed my lips against his. Pulling back, he gave me a comforting smile. I kissed him again putting more pressure on his lips, deepening the kiss into something more heated.