Close to Her Heart (4 page)

But it had been so much harder for her than him. She’d only been sixteen and her father had been useless. She’d had to step into the role of mother to her younger sisters. Which was why, she’d once told him, she didn’t think she’d ever have kids.

Obviously, she’d changed her mind on that score.

“I feel like I hardly slept at all last night, but I must have dropped off for a few hours at least, because I dreamt about my Mom.”

Dani had managed to pull her hair into a presentable ponytail. The style showcased the perfect bone structure of her face, the sweet curve of her lips and the blue of her eyes. She’d set down the brush and was now staring out the window, in the dreamy way of someone who wasn’t really living in the present.

“Was it a good dream?”

“Yeah. She came into my room and kissed my forehead. She told me not to stay up too late reading.”

“I bet your Mom used to say that to you a lot.”

“All the time. But she would never turn the light out. Because she understood. Mom and I were alike in that way. She loved to read too.”

Dani had told him this before. But he still listened. Just the way she listened to him when he felt like talking about his mother. He wondered if any of Dani’s sisters realized what a misfit she’d felt like growing up with them all on the Circle C Ranch. Sage, Callan and Mattie were all accomplished riders, athletic and great lovers of the outdoors. Whereas Dani—and her mother—felt more at home in the world of books.

“How do you think your mom would have felt about—” he glanced at her waistline—“the baby?”

“Happy, I think. That’s one of the hardest things. Not being able to tell her. Not
ever
being able to share the experience of motherhood with her.”

As a man Eliot doubted he could fully comprehend what the loss meant to Dani. But he could sure see how sad she felt.

“My very last memory of Mom is seeing her standing in my bedroom doorway, looking back at me with a smile before closing the door. I wish I’d known then that in less than two hours—”

She didn’t finish her sentence, because she didn’t need to. Eliot knew her mother had been killed in the barn late that night, while she and her husband were trying to help a heifer with a difficult delivery. Distressed and in great pain, the heifer had landed her mother a kick to the head, causing instant death.

Dani turned from the window, focusing her amazing, faded-blue jean colored eyes on him. “What’s your last memory of your Mom?”

He cleared his throat. “She came into my room to ask if I thought her scarf went with her new coat.” His mom hadn’t had daughters to ask such questions of, and so she’d turned to him, her youngest son. Frankly, he’d been happy to oblige. He’d always had a good eye for color.

“And did it?”

“No. But I told her it did, because I knew they were running late. Dad was already out in the car, revving the engine the way he always did when Mom kept him waiting.”

If only he’d told his mother the truth. Then his mom would have gone to her room to select a different scarf and his parents would have departed for their party a few minutes later. They wouldn’t have been in the intersection when the teenage driver paying more attention to text messages than the road, ran the red light.

*

When it came to shopping, Miriam knew what she was doing. She navigated while Dani drove, taking them first to Sugarlump where Dani purchased gray slacks, a plum-colored skirt and two dresses for work. Currently her tops and blazers still fit and she thought they still would for at least a month. She also bought underwear. “Bras. I need bigger bras.”

Her breasts, actually, were what had first tipped her off she was pregnant. They’d tingled and become super-sensitive. Now her pretty B cups had expanded into C.

She allowed Miriam into the change room to see. “If this keeps up I’ll be into triple G by the time I give birth.”

Miriam winced. “Wonder what will happen when you shrink back to normal?”

“Yeah.” Dani stared at her image in the mirror. Was this the end? Was she now on a downward slope that would whisk her into middle-aged frumpiness?

“On the bright side, you look pretty hot right now. Buy the bra. It’s perfect.”

On the way out of the store, another purchase added to her canvas shopping bag, Dani reminded herself that her sister Mattie, five years older than her, had delivered twins, and still looked great. Yes, Dani’s body was about to be invaded, stretched and re-shaped. But it would snap back. Eventually.

But would her life be equally elastic?

What were her days going to be like once she had a baby? How would she juggle work, time with friends, her running and social life?

Truth was, she couldn’t imagine any of it. She was holding on to a slim hope that somehow Adrian was going to provide the solution to all her problems. Her stomach tightened—Nerves? Excitement?—as she anticipated their lunch tomorrow. Less than twenty-four hours now.

“Hungry?” Miriam asked.

“Starved,” she admitted. Even though she’d eaten every crumb of the breakfast sandwich Eliot had bought for her.

“Well, you can’t eat until you’ve bought some jeans. I checked online and Village Maternity carries Citizens of Humanity. We’ll go there next. I don’t ever want to see you in those yoga pants again.”

Dani smiled. “What if I’m doing yoga?”

“Well.
Maybe
then. But just maybe.”

*

The next day Dani was grateful to Miriam for taking her shopping. She wore her new maternity jeans with a pink linen blouse and wedge sandals. Her hair was long, in soft curls, and she’d put on her usual make-up trio—eye liner, mascara and lip gloss. She turned this way and that in front of her mirror. You had to look closely to see the baby bump.

But it was there.

She took a cab to the restaurant, purposefully arriving ten minutes late because she wanted this meeting to be different. Usually, she was the on-time one, with no six-year-old daughter to serve as an excuse. But today, she wanted Adrian to have his eyes on her as she walked toward his table. She pictured him smiling, rising from his chair and opening his arms. She had it all worked out and so it was disappointing to discover that he still hadn’t arrived, wasn’t waiting at all.

She was escorted to their reserved table by the window. First thing, she checked her phone, but there was no message warning her he was running late.

“Would you like something to drink, Miss?” The waiter, a young male whose appreciative gaze told her that she was, indeed, looking good, set down two menus.

“Water is fine for now.” She thought back to when she’d first met Adrian, at a meeting shortly after he’d accepted the posting for faculty head. He’d looked Italian to her, with his thick dark hair and olive skin.

And his eyes—they were soulful and sad, wise and perceptive. She’d felt as if they’d established a special connection from the moment he looked at her and said her name.

“Dr. Carrigan. Yes. I’m familiar with your work. As a father, I find it very interesting.”

Her work—the reason she was here in Seattle at the University of Washington—was with the much respected Dr. Jenna Dayton. Jenna was interested in the infant’s sensitivity to fairness and early pro-social behavior and how that linked to later academic success. They’d just completed a major research paper and released a jointly written article that had been getting a lot of attention.

Dani had felt gratified by Adrian Carlson’s acknowledgment. And she wasn’t put off by the mention of a daughter, either. Like everyone else, she knew Dr. Carlson’s circumstances, that his wife had died six months ago, that he’d re-located with his daughter needing to make a new start.

Dani wasn’t used to looking to colleagues—especially those in positions higher than hers—for dating prospects.

But Adrian was the kind of man a woman was lucky to meet once in her lifetime. He had the polite manners of a European, combined with a brilliant intellect and a sharp wit. How could she resist?

If he hadn’t been attracted to her, too, she would have been spared.

But she could tell, from the start, that he was.

The way his eyes would dart to hers when something was said that struck him as interesting or clever. The way he rolled his pen with his long elegant fingers when they were alone, later, at the end of the meeting. She looked at those fingers and imagined them on her skin—

“Darling. I’m sorry I’ve kept you waiting.”

She’d been daydreaming so hadn’t noticed him enter the restaurant. Now, Adrian was at the table, bending to kiss her before taking a seat.

“Ava was so excited about going to this party. Then when it was time for me to actually leave, she turned clingy. I was afraid I was going to have cancel our lunch entirely, but fortunately, the mother hosting the party brought out supplies for a craft—making a sock puppet or something—and instantly I was extraneous. Ava wouldn’t even hug me goodbye.”

Dani heard the words, but didn’t take in their meaning. She was focused on the way he called her
darling
, his favorite endearment for her. Adrian never dropped the “g” the way flirtatious cowboys back in Montana often did. His darling sounded smooth and sophisticated.

She sipped her water, trying to push away the resentment she felt about his late arrival. This was supposed to be a happy occasion. She couldn’t begin by nursing a grudge.

The waiter returned and before she could intervene, Adrian had ordered them a bottle of a Sonoma Syrah. “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all weekend,” he said, reaching for one of her hands. “I’m glad you wore that blouse. You look so feminine in pink.”

He stroked the skin on her hand gently, slowly, suggestively.

“It’s been a long time since we made love.”

“Yes.” She studied his eyes. Was this her opening? But before she could get out the right words, Adrian was talking again.

“There’s a boutique hotel down the street. What do you say we rent a room after lunch?”

They’d never done that before. It sounded extravagant to Dani. But also erotic.

“Maybe. But there is something—”

The waiter was back with the wine and two glasses. Dani let him pour some of the Merlot into her glass, not wanting to make a big deal about not drinking until she’d delivered her news.

When they were alone again, she leaned in close and lowered her voice. “If you’re wondering if I’ve been avoiding having sex with you the past while—the answer is yes.”

Adrian looked shocked. Hurt. “Darling. You’re not happy with me?”

“No, no, that’s not what I’m trying to say. I didn’t want you to see me naked.”

“But—why? Your body is beautiful, Danielle. You know how much I love it. How much I
need
it.”

Why was it so hard to tell him? Maybe she should have done it over the phone. Not to mention sooner.

“I’m pregnant, Adrian.”

She watched his face go completely still. It was like the switch to his personality had been powered off. She understood. He was pulling into himself. Processing her words.

Slowly he withdrew his hand, bringing it up as if to ward off a blow.

“But—” He fell silent again. “The night of the Christmas party. When we found that back room—?”

“Yes.” She’d worn a strapless red dress to their faculty Christmas dinner. The dinner had been organized in a restaurant that catered to small business gatherings. Their party had run late, and she and Adrian were the last to go. He’d been expected home—his nanny wanted to spend the night at her sister’s, because they were catching a plane together early the next morning. So he’d found a little room, pulled her inside and closed the door.

“You’ve been driving me crazy all night long. Where did you get this dress? Oh, my God, you look so beautiful.”

She remembered the heat of his mouth on her neck, shoulders, back. She’d gone to the bathroom earlier, removed her panties. When his hands travelled up her legs and found her nakedness, he’d groaned in her ear.

“You are so wicked, Danielle. And I love it.”

He’d hitched up her dress, unzipped his pants and taken her there, with her back pressed against the wooden door.