Close Quarters (17 page)

Now, she wished she knew something other than the clinical location of her body parts she'd learned in medical school.

“I've never…” She could not admit the level of her ignorance out loud.

“I'll guide you through it. You can trust me.”

She looked at him, English words too far away to grasp, and simply nodded.

A look of the most profound tenderness came over his features. “Thank you.”

She was sure it should be she expressing gratitude for the amazing sensations he was causing in her body, but she was no more able to speak those words than any others.

He kissed her so softly, his lips a benediction on her, on the feelings he elicited in her, on this moment when she'd finally reclaimed a part of her femininity lost to her for fifteen years.

The gentle ministrations of his hand between her legs guided her body on a journey she had never undertaken. It was exhilarating. It was rawly beautiful. It was terrifying.

But all she had to do was open her eyes and see him and the fear receded to be replaced by anticipation. Ben would not take her to a place it would hurt to go.

He leaned forward, capturing her lips again, this time deepening the kiss as his tongue slipped easily inside her mouth. Their eyes remained open for the intimate kiss, the silent communication between them every bit as intense as that of their bodies.

And suddenly a cataclysm of pleasure washed over her, sending her body into rigid convulsions as he kissed the scream of ecstasy right from her lips.

The physical joy lasted forever and no time at all. He rubbed her lower belly as she relaxed back onto the bed in boneless trust.

He lifted his head, his smile filled with pure masculine satisfaction.

She smiled back. “Fantastic.”

“Me or the orgasm?”

“Both.”

He kissed her again, this time closing his eyes in happy bliss. She let hers slide shut too and enjoyed the communion of their mouths as he kissed with the attitude of a man who was in no hurry.

She could feel the hardness of his erection against her hip though. The heat and strength of it should be driving him to impatience, but he just kept kissing her until the sense that her body was not her own began to recede.

He seemed to know the moment it happened and broke the kiss. “Are you ready to join your body with mine?”

“Are you real? How can you be?” He knew exactly what she needed and how could any man be
that
intuitive?

He winked. “When you spend as many years as I have working undercover, you learn to read people. My motivation for assessing your reactions and feelings is stronger than it has been in any other situation I have faced.”

“You don't mean that.” He was Mr. Patriotic. He could not consider her feelings more important than his job.

“Oh, I do. One of those thoughts I had about building a life with you when I thought you might be a spy included my leaving TGP.”

“You would have left your job for me?”

“Yes.”

“But…” She broke off.

“We barely know each other? It's too soon? It doesn't make any sense?”

“Yes, all of that.” And more.

“What can I say? I believe in the connection of souls, even if I've never known such a thing before. My soul
longs
for yours.”

Her heart swelled. “You are going to make me cry.”

“If that is what you need.”

She shook her head decisively. “What I need is to be one with you in body as our souls have already joined.”

She didn't care if it made sense or if someone else would understand. This thing between them went beyond the rational into the mystical and she was finished questioning it.

He came over her and it did not bring back any bad memories, but rather washed them clean as his body blanketed hers with pleasure-filled safety.

He paused with his hardness poised at the entrance to her body. “I stretched you with my fingers, but I'm going to go slow. If you feel—”

She pressed her fingers against his lips. “Shh…you will stop if I show any discomfort. Of this, I am most certain.”

He nodded, kissing her fingers before sucking one into the heat of his mouth.

Oh, my…that felt…well, it felt simply lovely.

As he began to breach her body, she concentrated on the foreign feelings coursing through her. There was pleasure, yes, but a sense of profundity too. This moment between them, this first joining, would only happen once. Her body seemed to know it as a sense of anticipation held her thoughts and even her breath suspended.

Despite his efforts with his fingers, his hardness stretched her intimate flesh farther, but there was no sense he would not fit, rather that the fit was exactly perfect.

Once he was fully seated within her, he stopped and looked down at her, his expression filled with an emotion she was afraid to give name to.

He wasn't. “I love you, Fleur Andikan.”

She repeated the words to him in Shona, the language of her childhood, the language of love to her, the words ripped from her throat. She could no more hold back this outpouring of emotion than she could rewrite her history.

And for the first time in her life, she did not mind that she could not. For her past had brought her to her present and it was a present worth living.

She would never forget her family, but perhaps now the pain of their loss would not be such an acute grief in her every waking moment.

“Can I move?” he asked.

“You know you can.”

He smiled, that male satisfaction flashing in his eyes again. “I thought, but in this, I want to be absolutely sure.”

“Be assured.”

And he started to move, showing her that the pleasure had only begun. He swiveled his hips on each downward thrust, rubbing his pelvic bone against her most sensitive flesh. The now familiar tension started building inside her again until she was on the verge of another inner explosion.

“Together,” he said.

She didn't know what he meant, but then the pleasure burst inside her as he ground down against her, groaning out his own satisfaction.

Heat filled her and she realized he had found the ultimate pleasure inside her body. The knowledge she had finally been able to give that pleasure made tears come to her eyes.

He smiled down at her. “It was inconceivably wonderful, wasn't it?”

She nodded, not even laughing at his superlatives. He kissed the tears from her cheeks before carefully pulling out of her and taking his spot at her side again.

“I didn't use a condom,” he said, not sounding particularly worried.

“Johari would make a wonderful big sister.”

He hugged her and kissed her temple. “You are so perfect for me.”

“It is the same for me.”

“Of course, it is. We're soul mates.”

“Yes.” She really believed they were.

 

“Tell me how your best friend died.” They'd gotten up fairly early in the day and had been walking for two hours when Tanya decided she needed a break from the thoughts chasing each other in her head.

Kadin was in the lead, as he had been since they'd snuck out of the compound. About twenty yards ahead of her and Roman, he was not a candidate for talking to. Neil wasn't an option either. Once again, he was following, but she had no idea where he was as she hadn't seen him since they broke camp.

“I don't like to talk about it.”

“I don't like knowing the sex we had was all about you checking me out for stolen technology. Sometimes, life sucks. Deal with it.”

“It wasn't all about the JCAT.” Oh, somebody was growly about that topic.

Good. Misery might not love company in her heart, but it didn't want to be flying completely solo either. “Right.”

“Hell, Tanna, how could you think that after what we did?”

“How could I
not
considering what came after?”

He growled. Honest to goodness made a sound just like an angry wolf, or something.

She smiled. Getting under his skin felt good. Maybe misery
did
love company. “Your friend?”

“We were in the Rangers together,” he said, as if making some big concession.

When he didn't add anything for several seconds, she prompted, “And?”

“And we were given a kill order.”

“I guess you get a lot of those, huh?”

“More than most people realize, yes.”

She'd been mocking; he wasn't. Oh. Wow. Not sure she wanted that confirmation. “Who were you supposed to kill?”

“A four-star general's daughter.”

“My gosh, why? Was he being punished for not falling in with some despicable plot?”

Roman actually laughed at that, like she wanted him to, though the sound was dry and lacking real humor. “It wasn't some Hollywood movie.”

“You were ordered to kill a child. That's pretty out there.”

“K.B. was no child. She was suspected of exposing military secrets to Filipino terrorists.”

Just like Tanya, except for the
Filipino
terrorist part. If she had to guess, she would say whatever intel she was supposed to have sold had gone to Middle Eastern terrorists. Though she had no idea if that were true.

Regardless, Tanya didn't like the tone of voice he used when he said the woman's name. Not at all. It was too…intimate. “K.B.?”

“Yes. She was beautiful, full of life, a real flirt and only a couple of years younger than me. She knew her way around men, but I didn't realize it at the time.”

“You had sex with her.”

“Yes.”

“Wow, this situation is sounding more and more familiar.” And less and less like something she really wanted to know.

“I didn't have sex with you until after I was told you were a spy,” he said in a clipped tone.

Wholly derisive of his attempt to split hairs, she replied, “I see. That makes all the difference.”

“It shouldn't have, but it did. I couldn't believe K.B. would do what they'd accused her of. Not on purpose. Not even by accident.” For a moment he sounded lost and that bothered Tanya in a way that surprised her.

“So, you disobeyed the kill order?” she guessed.

“I told her about it.” He went silent again.

This time, in shock, Tanya just waited to see if he would speak again. She could not reconcile the Roman she knew with a man who would reveal his orders to the enemy. Not even the enemy he was sleeping with.

Finally, after a few minutes of walking, he sighed. “I warned her about the operation, assuming she would go to her father and get the order rescinded.”

That made a little more sense. “She didn't.”

“She couldn't. She
was
guilty. She knew if she went to her father, he'd figure it out. He was a tough man, maybe too harsh, but his honor and country came first and she knew it.”

Tanya could almost feel sorry for this K.B. person, but she sensed there was more to Roman's story than the woman going on the run because of what he'd revealed to her.

“He wouldn't have covered for treason and the treason she was guilty of would have gotten her the death penalty,” Roman said, as if speaking to himself.

“What happened?” Tanya asked, reminding him she was there.

She was pretty sure she didn't want to know any longer, but they'd come too far along this conversational path for Roman to turn back.

“Her terrorist connections were there waiting for us. One of them, the man she really loved, killed Teddy. Two other Rangers were killed as well before I managed to take him and the others out.” He said it as if single-handedly doing all that was nothing.

“And her?”

“I used one of the terrorists' guns to make it look like she'd gotten caught in the crossfire.”

It was harsh justice, not something Tanya could even imagine doing. But Roman was that man, the one who knew how to follow through on his duty, even when it tore him apart on the inside. No one would hear his screams; they were all in his soul. She wondered if he even heard them anymore.

“You were protecting her family.”

“Yes. Her mom loved K.B. so much, and her little brother looked up to her like she was his hero. They deserved to keep their illusions.”

Especially when their husband and father was the hard-assed general. “You weren't court-martialed?” Tanya didn't doubt for a minute he'd admitted to his mistake.

“The Atrati recruited me before proceedings could be started. I was due to re-up soon; my new boss arranged for me to be honorably discharged early.”

“The Atrati?” she asked delicately, knowing for a certainty that this man did not let things slip anymore.

“Super-Soldiers-R-Us.”

She smiled at his using her term to describe the group, but then grew serious again. “I'm sorry about Teddy.”

“Me too.” There was a wealth of pain in those two words.

“You tried to act with honor, you just chose the wrong person to protect.” He knew that already. He had to know that.

“I vowed never to make the same error.”

That made sense of a few things, even if it didn't make them hurt any less. “So, you were prepared to kill me.”

Again silence fell and once again she was pretty sure this time she didn't want it broken.

“No,” he said too firmly for her doubt, but in a subdued voice nonetheless.

“You were going to go against orders?” she prodded. “Again?” This she did have a hard time believing, no matter how sincere he sounded.

“My orders were to plug the leak. My team wasn't convinced you were the leak. Hell, neither was I, but emotional shit got in the way when I was determined not to let it.”

“How can you say that when you didn't let your emotions guide your actions?”

“You're so sure I didn't? I wanted you to be innocent, so I ignored my gut when it told me you were.”