Clash of the Otherworlds: Book 3, Portal Guardians (4 page)

"And who would you be, then, lass?" he demanded, throwing his axe casually from his left hand to his right without even looking at it.

"I would be Jayne, from ... uhhh ... Florida in the Here and Now.
 
Just here in the Overworld for a little while to find some friends and then leave."

He seemed stumped by that, his eyes so narrowed at this point they were nearly closed.
 
"Does me hearing fail me just now or did ya say yer from the Here and Now, and ya be expecting to go
back
there?"

"Uh, yeah.
 
I'm just here on a ... field trip.
 
You know.
 
Hang out.
 
See the sights a little.
 
Then go back."

He laughed once.
 
Then once again.
 
And soon was in the throes of a complete happy-seizure, bending in half as he held his stomach.

I wasn't sure why, but I found it kind of annoying.
 
He was making me feel really stupid.
 
I put my hands on my hips, poor Willy riding all the way down in my left fist.
 
"I don't see what's so funny about any of that, but whatever.
 
Can you tell me where the dragons hang out please?"

"Whoa!
 
Lellamental!
 
That's fun," yelled a way-too-excited Willy from down at my waist.
 
"Do it again!
 
Up!
 
Up!"

I flapped my arms up and down a few times to keep him happy, never taking my eyes off the dwarf.
 
Willy giggled his little butt off, even shrieking occasionally with joy.
 
I tried not to smile at it because I wasn't sure the dwarf would appreciate the fact that I was currently acting as an amusement park ride, while at the same time trying to be a serious diplomat or ambassador from another realm or whatever.
 
I probably looked like a lunatic chicken, but I much preferred a happy, entertained baby pixie to a cranky bored one.

The dwarf stopped laughing and stared at me with his mouth hanging open, an errant couple of chuckles bubbling up once in a while.
 
He ignored them in favor of examining my face.
 
"Are ye jokin' then?"
 
He frowned at my arms going up and down then and said, "Ya don't have any proper wings, so ya can stop the flappin' nonsense.
 
Ya be as tied to the ground as I."

"No, I'm not joking."
 
I stepped out completely from behind the tree, ceasing my crazy chicken act.
 
"I'm not trying to fly either.
 
I'm just passing through, and I don't know this area very well, so I'd appreciate some directions."

Willy started bouncing around in my hand.
 
"Up and down!
 
Up and down!
 
Up and down!
 
Do it, Lellamental!
 
Do it!"

"I think ye'd appreciate a new head for yer shoulders too, if I don't miss me guess."

"Say what now?" I wasn't sure if he'd just issued a threat or delivered a very sly insult, and I was distracted by the very insistent pixie in my hand.
 
This dwarf's expression told me nothing other than the fact that he wasn't that thrilled about seeing me or, apparently, helping me out.

He snorted.
 
"I heard we have some problems with things slippin' through the cracks, but this takes the kettle and turns it on its rim, now don't it?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" I said, my voice completely without humor.
 
I was fairly certain that last comment had been an insult.

Willy's little voice broke through the conversation again.
 
"Do-wit, do-wit, do-wit.
 
Lellamental!
 
Do it!
 
I gotta pee though!"

The dwarf started talking again, pulling my attention away from the pixie once more.
 
"Yer supposed to enter this realm with none o' yer baggage from the Here and Now.
 
What happened to ya, then, if ya didn't slip through the cracks, as I strongly suspect ya did?"

"Listen old man, whatever baggage you're talking about doesn't matter.
 
I told you, I don't belong here.
 
I'm not living here, okay?
 
I'm just passing through."

"I gotta pee really bad!" yelled Willy, struggling to break free from his prison.

The dwarf tightened his grip on his axe and held it up menacingly, causing me to take a step back in fear.
 
"Ah
ha!
 
Another demon thinkin' she can come to my realm and try to force her dirty hide on my brothers and sisters!
 
Never!" he yelled, acting like he was about to throw the weapon at me and possibly cut me in half in the process.

I blinked several times rapidly, frozen in place over the realization that I was about to be axed by a dwarf not even one day into my mission.
 
I totally sucked at dragon-hunting.
 
No wonder I was left off the list.
 
I should have given Tony way more credit.
 
Chess club strikes again.

"Wait!" came a voice from over my shoulder.
 
"Stop!"

Spike to the rescue.
 
I sighed with relief, and at the same time felt terrible that he had revealed himself for my sorry butt.

"She's not from the Underworld!
 
She's the Mother of the fae!"
 
Spike's voice trembled a bit but not with fear.
 
He was running and tripping over to us from the tree where he'd been hiding, causing his words to come out in a tumble.

"What's this, then?!" yelled the dwarf, taking a step back and spreading his legs when he stopped.
 
I recognized it for the battle stance that it was.
 
Little guy was getting ready to take us both out at the same time if necessary.
 
I had to respect his bravado if nothing else.
 
He totally reminded me of Niles.
 
Willy was right.

"I. Got. To.
Pee
, Lellamental.
 
Pee-pee!" came the tiny, frustrated voice from my hand.

"Shush!" I urged quietly, looking down at my hand as casually as I could, using Spike's approach to mask my turning partially away so the dwarf wouldn't see what I was doing.
 
"Just wait!"

Spike reached my side and held up his hands in a gesture of peace.
 
"We're not demons; we're not even angels.
 
She's telling the truth.
 
We're just here to find our friends, talk to a dragon, and then leave.
 
That's it.
 
We swear."
 
He crossed his heart with his finger.

The dwarf poked his axe in the direction of Spike's chest.
 
"What's that yer doin' there?
 
Puttin' an evil hex on me?
 
It won't work, demon!
 
I'm protected from yer spells!"

Spike frowned and looked at me for direction.
 
I mocked the crossing the heart thing and rolled my eyes.

"Oh, this?" Spike held up his forefinger.
 
"No, I'm just ... where I come from that's like a guarantee.
 
It means I'm not lying."

"And if ye are?" he asked suspiciously.
 
"What happens to ye then?"

"I hope to die."

"And why in the bloody hell would ye do that?"
 
The dwarf slowly lowered the axe to his side, waiting for Spike's response, which he obviously thought would be the answer of a lunatic.

"So that you'll know I'm telling the truth."

"Senseless."
 
The dwarf had made his judgment, apparently.

"Yeah, I guess it is.
 
But I'm telling the truth." Spike shrugged, at a loss.

I shook my head.
 
This was getting us nowhere.
 
"Yeah, so he's telling the truth, I'm telling the truth, and now it's your turn.
 
Who are you and what are you doing here?"

The dwarf puffed out his chest.
 
"I am Triden, son of Alden, grandson of Marsden, great grandson of Helden, great great grandson of Barden, great great ..."

I cut him off.
 
"Okay, so Triden was it?"

He nodded once, looking a little lost at not being able to finish his family tree.

"So, you sound pretty important with all that family history and stuff.
 
And what are you doing out here?" I asked, gesturing around us.

"I am charged with pest control."

Spike and I exchanged looks before I responded with, "Pest control?"

"Yes.
 
Eliminating or driving away the pesky creatures that live to enrage the guardians.
 
We've had a rash of them lately, ya see, and it be my job to take care o' the problem."

"Would those critters happen to have prickly light webs coming out of their butts?" I asked.

He bristled.
 
"You've seen them?
 
Where?" He turned his head rapidly left and right.
 
"Show me!"

"One went that way a little while ago after trying to web the both of us," said Spike, pointing to our left.

The dwarf looked at us suspiciously.
 
"Ya haven't been ensnared, I can well see that.
 
Do ya take me for a fool?"
 
The axe came up again.

"No.
 
It's true," I assured him.
 
"They didn't work on me.
 
They worked on my friends ... I mean, my friend, but not me."

"Friends?"
 
The dwarf looked around us once more, spinning to see what was behind him before facing us again.
 
"Who else is here?" he asked, taking another step back from us.

I figured we'd be much better off trying to remove any suspicion from his mind, so I lifted up my fist.
 
"Here's the only other fae with us today, okay?
 
His name is Willy, and I'd love to let him go so you can see him better, but he'll probably get lost, and his mother would kill me if that happened."

The dwarf squinted at me like he needed glasses and took several steps towards us, his eyes opening wider and wider as he got closer and closer.
 
"Is that a ... "

"Yeah.
 
It's a baby pixie," I confirmed.

"I'm nodda baby!" yelled Willy, twisting around to glare at me.
 
"I'm a big-boy fae!
 
Daddy says so!"

"That be a baby pixie?" said the dwarf, disbelief coloring his voice.
 
"Ya have a baby pixie here?"

"Yes.
 
He kind of snuck on board the train if you know what I mean."

The dwarf sniffed.

I stared hard at him, not sure I was seeing what was standing right in front of me.

The dwarf sniffed again and then wiped the corner of his eye, his breath hitching.

"Dude," said Spike, "are you crying?"
 
He laughed uncomfortably, looking to me for an explanation that I sure as hell didn't have.

"It is such a sad, sad thing to me," said the dwarf in a weepy voice.
 
"Even after an eon here, I still ...," his voice caught, "...to see such a wee lad gettin' only a short span in the Here and Now before he has to wait another eon for a second go.
 
Such a rotten shame ... "
 
He wiped away the tear that had spilled from the outside corner of his eye.

I held the pixie up closer to me, trying to figure out what the heck the dwarf was talking about, but Willy looked fine to me.
 
"He's perfectly healthy," I said.
 
"There's nothing wrong with this little guy that a little ladybug pee won't fix."

"No!
 
No, Lellamental.
 
No
ladybug pee.
 
It's yucky.
 
I don't like it!"
 
Willy was struggling to get free again.

"What do ya mean there?" asked the dwarf, sounding a little less sad.

"I mean, as we've already said, like ten times now, we are not
from
here.
 
We are not
staying
here.
 
We're just here on a mission - like a military mission."

"And who is your commander?"
 
The dwarf straightened up, losing the lame-ass weepy voice, now that we were apparently speaking his language.

"The fae council and ... Beau the angel.
 
And Chase.
 
And Shayla ... all of them are in Silver House or something."

"And you say you are Jayne?"

"Yes."

"And where are your commanders now?"

"The fae are in the Here and Now, and Beau is, ummm, battling some creatures back there somewhere."
 
I jerked my thumb in the direction we came from.
 
"I have no idea where the other two are.
 
Chase had to leave."

"I am acquainted with these angel-guardians," he said in a scoffing tone, "but I cannot believe anyone with any sense would send children and babies on dangerous missions such as you've suggested.
 
It doesn't bear thinking about."
 
He snorted at the very idea.

I sighed heavily, taking Spike's arm and squeezing it gently because I knew he was about to spend another ten minutes trying to convince this hard-headed air bag that we were telling the truth and needed his help; and we didn't have time for that.
 
It was time to cut to the chase, since we didn't know what the hell was after us and where the hell we were going.