Clarity 3 (8 page)

I blink in surprise at his language. “Whoa.”

“Sorry,” he
says as he sits up. “That guy is just really pissing me off. I still haven’t gotten my car fixed and my leg has been hurting like a bitch all day. Now I come home and hear that he’s planting shit in your head?”

The tone in Liam’s voice is harsh and angry, like I’ve never heard it before. I
find myself stunned and unable to respond. I do appreciate the fact that he’s angry in my defense...

“I’m just sick of him,” Liam says angrily. “This isn’t my world
—I’m not used to this crap. Isn’t life hard enough without worrying about being in physical danger? I have to worry about my mortgage, loans, and my career—you can’t even get across the street—”

“Hey,” I interrupt
in a prideful way. “I can too cross the street. I was just in a rush earlier.”

“We just don’t need this. I don’t need to get shot at, and you don’t need him tormenting you.
We have to permanently erase that man from your life.”

“I
do need to change my phone number,” I say softly in agreement as I lie back down on the bed.

“Fuck him,” Liam says again angrily.
“Nothing can take away your innocence. It’s an essential quality of who you are—something that exists deep on the inside. All the wounds that others inflict on you are only skin-deep. They can’t even scratch the surface of your soul. You’re pure. Even if darkness surrounds you, you’ll always remain innocent.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good thing,” I tell him. “Doesn’t innocent mean weak and vulnerable? Doesn’
t it mean stupid? And how can I be pure? I wanted to kill Grayson. Doesn’t that make me vindictive?”

“That was one moment—a fleeting thought. I have seen the way you live your life. You don’t focus on the pursuit of pleasure. You aren’t selfish or greedy,” Liam says, pausing slightly. “Trust me, I know. I’m
selfish and greedy. I act only in my best interests.”

I frown. “How can you say that about yourself? It isn’t true. You’ve done so much for me.”

“Everything I’ve ever done has been in my best interests,” Liam admits. He moves to lie down beside me and places his hand on my stomach. “But you’re not like that, Winter. You know it’s true. There’s something precious and pure within you, like a flawless diamond. That’s why you hide away and try so hard to protect yourself from the world. You can’t let anyone take that away from you.”

My eyebrows knit together as I consider his words
. “You have a very distorted perception of me, Liam. I’m not nearly as great as you think I am.”

“You’re probably way better,” he says, sliding over me to place a kiss on my nose. “I’m only going off
a few dates, a few books, and a few long conversations. I’ve probably only seen the tip of the iceberg.”

“So I’m a pure, innocent iceberg with a diamond in me,” I say
with annoyance. “No wonder my life sucks. No one can see that I’m just a girl.”

“I do see that,” he says
, playfully pinching my side, “a skinny girl who needs to eat! Come on. Let’s have dinner. I got some Thai takeout. But if you prefer, I could cook something for you.”

“You can cook?” I say in surprise.
My own kitchen skills are sorely limited.

“Of course,” he says proudly. “
It seems that you’re the one who needs to learn more about me. Haven’t you noticed yet? I’m not your average bachelor.”

“Would you like your coffee refilled, miss?”

I look up from my computer in surprise. I was so absorbed in the story that I hadn’t noticed the waitress approaching. “No,” I tell her, “but do you happen to know the time?”

“It’s almost noon,” she informs me.

“Oh! Thanks.” I grab my backpack and begin stuffing my computer into it roughly. “I have to get going.”

“Is a friend or family member sick?” asks the waitress with concern.

I have been sitting in the hospital café and working for a few hours. The waitress has been very friendly and sweet, and has kept me adequately pumped full of caffeine.

“
Actually, it’s for me,” I tell her shyly as I sling my backpack over my shoulder. “I’m completely blind, but this crazy doctor thinks that he can give me the ability to see.”

“Wow!” the waitress says happily. “That’s awesome. Why don’t you seem more excited?”

Why does everyone keep asking me that?
I inwardly wonder. I hesitate before responding. “I guess I don’t want to get my hopes up in case it doesn’t work out. If I don’t expect too much, I can’t be too deeply disappointed.”

“
You’re a pessimist,” the waitress says with a laugh. “That’s not healthy. You’re going to be disappointed in life whether you get your hopes up or not. You can’t fool yourself into wanting something less by pretending that you aren’t excited.”

I lift my eyebrows at this surprising bit of wisdom.

“It’s like that feeling,” the waitress explains, “when you start dating someone and the relationship is new. Even if things are perfect, you could be miserable and expect it to go horribly wrong, like it always does. Maybe it will fail—but even if it does—not allowing yourself to enjoy it when things are good only robs you of happiness. Joy is something you need to feel, and it’s not any less joyful if it’s temporary. If those happy moments at the beginning are all you have, you need to let go and just hope for the best. Imagine the best. Otherwise, you ruin all the good moments by focusing on the possibility of losing them or being hurt. You can’t go through life like that.”

“That... makes a lot of sense,” I
say in wonder. “I wish I could be more optimistic. I think too many horrid things have happened in my life for me to be positive like that.”

“No way,” the waitress says.
“It’s not about your past or your former experiences. The possibility for an amazing outcome is always just as likely as a horrible one. If you only dwell on the worst possible outcomes, it will take away your ability to create happy memories in the moment and sabotage your future. You need to let go of your fear. You need to let yourself be excited.”

“You’re so sweet,” I tell her thankfully. “I need a friend like you.”

The waitress laughs again. “My name’s Krista. I work here almost every day, so feel free to stop by and chat whenever you need a fresh perspective.”

“Thanks,” I tell her softly, giving her a smile before turning to leave. I paid for my coffee ages ago, but I am now wishing I had left a better tip to show my gratitude. As I move through the hospital, following Liam’s directions, I consider the waitress’s words.
Have I really allowed myself to get excited about anything in my life, lately? I haven’t truly allowed myself to really believe that things could work out with Liam. Even in the best of moments, I do hold on to that lingering fear that something could go easily go wrong, and probably will very soon.

I have been sabotaging myself.

For a second, I pause in the middle of the hospital halls.
I temporarily forget Liam’s instructions. I squint with realization as I take a moment to regret my pessimistic thinking. Things aren’t really that bad. I have a career that I absolutely love, and my new book is coming along quite well. I am not rich, but I am self-sufficient enough with money that I don’t think I need to cash my dad’s check—but if I needed money in an emergency, it’s nice to know I have a backup plan. Grayson is gone from my life—hopefully for good—and my health is looking to improve. I have begun practicing martial arts, and I might even be able to see soon. Even being able to see a tiny amount would be life changing! To top it all off, I have a budding romance with a really wonderful, intelligent guy.

I smile, realizing that I have a lot to be thankful for. Maybe if I can only change my thinking, everything could get better. Maybe Liam will be my happily ever after.
Maybe I’ll be a famous, successful writer. Maybe I’ll be able to have a family someday. All I need to do is keep moving forward and accept the help that’s being offered to me. I just have to put myself in destiny’s hands and let her take care of me. For once, maybe she will.

I begin walking again with renewed purpose until a
little ding alerts me to the location of the elevators. I alter my path and move quickly toward the sound of heavy doors sliding open. I cram my body into the cabin along with several other people. Earlier today, Liam gave me a ride to the hospital, but I had to keep myself busy with my writing while he saw his other patients. Now, it’s my turn, and I’m a little nervous. People are chattering all around me, but I can’t seem to focus on their conversations. When we arrive at the third floor, I exit the elevator and turn right—at least I think Liam said to go right—and head down the hallway.

I listen closely for the sounds of people talking,
trying to determine whether I’m in the ophthalmology area. I hear a pair of women’s voices and move closer to them, only to discover that they are talking about how annoyed they are with their husbands.

“
He does absolutely nothing all day, and he expects me to cook and clean for him like some 50s housewife. Excuse me? I make more money than he does.”

“At least he isn’t sleeping with
his secretary,” the other woman grumbles. “And the bastard thinks I don’t know!”

“
You have to leave him.”

This conversation doesn’t help to situate me much
, other than to inform me that I might be in some sort of waiting area filled with extremely bored women. I hope that I won’t be forced to sit and wait here among them. It might drive me insane. I consider asking someone for help, but I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I hear a door open, along with a shuffling of papers, and I move awkwardly toward the sound.

“I think there’s been enough improvement that we won’t need surgery.”

“That’s great news!”

I feel a bit embarrassed at needing to eavesdrop on everyone’s conversations. A low masculine grumble alerts me to the
charming sound of Liam’s voice. I move toward it like a ship sailing toward a lighthouse in the dark, empty ocean.

“—just keep monitoring him for me.”

“Yes, Dr. Larson. You only have one more patient today and then the other doctors can take over. I’ve got a break coming up shortly, too. Any plans for lunch?”

“I’m afraid I have to go straight home after work today, Melanie. Why don’t we go for sushi tomorrow when I have more time?”

“You work so hard, Dr. Larson,” says the woman’s voice in a very tender way. “It was supposed to be your day off today. Why did you come in at all? Was it because you missed me?”

I narrow my eyes at this conversation
.

Liam clears his throat. “Actually, Melanie, our next patient is
very special. She’s the test subject that Owen and I mentioned to you a while back. We needed to bump her surgery up, so we’re doing the prep today.”

“Oh,” Melanie says in disappointment. “
Yes, I remember. The girl who’s supposed to be ‘the master key’ to all your research.”

“That’s right.
We’re so close to success that I can almost taste it!” Liam says, and there is a peculiar excitement in his voice.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard him sound like this, and for a moment, I feel like he’s a complete stranger.
The master key?
A little seed of anxiety begins to sprout in my gut, but I try desperately to push it down and hold onto my positivity.

“Will you take me out to dinner to celebrate?” Melanie asks coyly.

“Sure! We’ll all have to go,” Liam says, “the whole department.”

“Oh,” Melanie says in disappointment, understanding his subtle rejection.
“Great.”

I feel
a bit reassured by his little show of loyalty. At least, I think it was loyalty. It doesn’t matter. I am not going to go looking for little signs of trouble and start overanalyzing them until I drive myself crazy and ruin this. I just decided that I was going to be happy and stop the self-sabotage. If Liam wanted to be with this nurse instead of me, I’m sure he would be.

The door that I am standing near swings open wider, and Liam and the nurse step outside. I don’t even care that I’ve been caught eavesdropping.

“Am I in the right place?” I ask Liam with a sly smile.

“Yes,” he responds at once, and his tone is familiar again. He moves forward to touch my arm before turning back to the nurse. “Melanie, this is
Winter Rose, the test subject I mentioned to you.”

“
That’s a fancy name,” says Melanie again, in jealous tone. She looks at me for a moment. “Well, aren’t you a lucky duck?”

“Excuse me?” I respond.

“To have been chosen for this,” she clarifies. “I have met a lot of patients who would die for an opportunity like this.”

“Yes,”
I respond in a voice filled with a confidence and strength that is rare for me. “I am very lucky and grateful.”

“If you just come into this room, I’ll begin prepping you with eye drops so that the doctor can run some tests.” Melanie reaches out to take my hand, but I pull away from her reflexively like I have been touched by fire.

I might be trying very hard to be optimistic, but it’s still difficult to be touched.

“Why don’t you let me prep her?” Liam asks. “I can tell her a bit about the procedure while I do that.”

“Sure,” says Melanie a bit skeptically as Liam pulls me into the examination room and shuts the door.

Liam guides me over to the chair and places my hand on it so I can
determine where I am. I slide my backpack off and place it on the ground before climbing into the chair. It is extremely comfortable.

“Winter,” he says in a whisper
, leaning close to me. “I don’t know what you heard, but there’s nothing going on with her. I swear.”

“It’s okay,” I tell him. “I’m not worried.
We were never exclusive or anything, anyway.” My face suddenly twists up in confusion. “I guess we were never really even
together
.”

“But that’s just the problem,” he says. “That’s been bothering me.”

“What?” I say impatiently and nervously. “Liam, will you just get the damn eye drops? I don’t think this is the time or place.” I feel a bit sensitive and unprepared for this conversation. More importantly, I’m still afraid of a negative outcome. The momentary high from the philosophical waitress’s pep talk is fading fast.

“
But I want to be exclusive,” Liam insists. “I’ve been meaning to ask you a question.”

I feel him take one of my hands in both of his, and his entire body lowers. My eyes widen in surprise and confusion as I realize he is down on one knee—or possibly both knees. “Liam...”