Clarity 3 (20 page)

“
Helen—Winter!”

I hang up the call and
focus on the road ahead of me, trying desperately to see the yellow lines. The high beams are helping slightly, but it is still a struggle. “See?” I whisper to Snowball. “I told you. He’s a worse bastard than I thought he was.”

To be perfectly honest, I was almost hoping he’d say something to give me a reason to turn around. I was praying that there might be some kind of explanation. Some reason for all this that made sense. Maybe it was all a practical joke. But it’s not. It’s real.

“He doesn’t even think what he did was that bad,” I tell Snowball. “That means he’d probably lie to me again in the future, you know? If I let him. If I gave him a second chance. Which I would never do.” I tighten my grip on the steering wheel. “I need to be strong. I can’t be a pushover like my sister.”

Snowball barks at me softly, in confusion.

I shake my head angrily. It upsets me that Snowball’s love for Liam is so unconditional. She can’t even understand the situation enough to give me a sympathetic ear. All she remembers is that his voice was attached to a hand which gave her lots of treats. Well, his hands gave me lots of treats, too. And so did his filthy, lying mouth. But I’m too strong to let myself be controlled by his falsely affectionate handouts. I never want to see his revolting face again. Maybe if I changed my name, it would help to give me a completely fresh start. The great thing about being a writer is that when being who you are gets too difficult, you can just change your identity and rewrite yourself.

Breathing deeply, I try my best to calm down.
At least I sent him clear in the opposite direction. Now he’ll never be able to find me.

The GPS says that I am only thirty minutes away from my new home. That’s all. Thirty minutes, and I can finally rest. I blink frantically to try and clear my fuzzy vision. I alternate between mashing my eyelids tightly shut and ripping them open, trying to create a windshield-wiper-effect over my eyes. The storm outside the car has not begun to subside, but it is the strengthening storm inside me that is creating far more difficulty.

I can’t stop my thoughts from spiraling out of control. I can’t stop seeing Liam’s face and hearing his voice. Almost everything beautiful he has ever said or done is replaying in my mind, with a new taint of
dishonesty. I can still feel his touch lingering on my skin, and the memory of his body pressed against mine. I can still feel him moving inside me, and it makes me sick. But it makes me even more sick to think that I will never feel him that close again. I let him in completely, so deeply in my mind, body, and heart. It feels like he is still with me now. I feel like I am still breathing him with every breath. He has somehow become a part of me, and I want to rip that part out. I don’t care how critical it is to my survival; I need to escape and leave that part far behind.

With each passing mile, I should feel a
little closer to freedom. I should feel a little more healed and protected by the distance. That is how I felt last time, when I ran away after Grayson hurt me. But I don’t feel any of these things. I just feel more and more betrayed. I thought that our love was a heavy chain around my soul, strangling the life out of me. I thought those chains would fall away. But now I realize that it’s too deep-seated; too ingrained in my being.

M
y love for Liam is a cancer that is quickly disintegrating every vital organ of my body.

It’s starting with my eyes.

I am now passing through a small town, and while I can’t read the numbers on the street signs, I am vaguely aware that I probably need to slow down. I ignore this and continue to grind my foot down on the gas. Snowball whimpers with concern, and I can’t bear the pathetic sound. I bite my lip to suppress the emotion.

“
We don’t need him, Snowball. We don’t.”

I can’t tell if the stoplights are red or green. I don’t even care anymore. I have to keep driving. I have to get away from here.

My mascara feels heavy and disgusting as it clings to my eyelashes in clumps, crumbling under the corrosive torrent of my tears.  It was once waterproof; waterproof like a canoe meant for small streams, trying to take on the ocean. It feels like my lashes are getting stuck together with toxic glue. I lift my hand from the steering wheel to wipe the gunk out of my eyes. I try to massage them roughly, coaxing my eyes to work in the way one might abuse a malfunctioning piece of technology. I fail to notice that my car has begun drifting into the opposite lane until a deafening horn assaults my ears. My heart leaps into my throat. I am driving headfirst into a pickup truck.

With a sharp intake of breath, I correct my steering and jerk my vehicle back into my own lane—or what I believe is my own lane. I can’t exactly make out the confines of my designated space on the road. I take a deep breath. I should really stop driving. I am in no condition to be out here.

But I can’t stop.

I need this
more than I need water. After crying for hours, I am very dehydrated, but I don’t even care. I drink up every drop of distance thirstily, and it sustains me, giving me hope for renewed life. There is nothing else; I need to feel the sensation of getting away. I need to feel weightless and free as the car is hurled forward, slicing through the air. I need to feel like I am going somewhere safe.

But there are no safe places. Not anymore.

A blaring horn is heard as I blast through an intersection, and another car brakes and swerves to avoid me. My heart skips a beat at the sound of screeching tires, and I look into my rearview mirror to assess the damage I’ve caused. Of course, I can see nothing. My rearview mirror looks hazy and unclear. All I see is darkness. My world is going black.

Snowball barks
fretfully, and I begin to breathe far too quickly.

“
Come on, eyes,” I whisper, “don’t fail me now.”

I stare forward into the distance, and I am barely able to make out the streetlights. There are large halos of light around each lamp, creating nebulous phantoms that hover before me and block every part of my vision. I know that’s not the way it’s supposed to look, but I can’t blink or squint the bleary lights away. The world looks comical and distorted. 

If I keep this up, someone is going to get hurt. I hope that someone is me.

“Turn left in 300 feet. Continue straight for fifteen miles.”

I breathe erratically as I make the awkward left turn into what I think might be a road. I am semi-grateful that we are leaving the populated area and driving out into the wilderness again. Unfortunately, this also means that the streetlights are all gone. All I have are my high beams, which are doing very little to illuminate the dark night.

All my concentration is focused on the road ahead, and each mile feels like an eternity. I just want to get to my new home. I want to put my head down on my soft new pillow.
Just a few more miles. A ringing is heard, coming from my vehicle, and it distracts me from the road briefly. I frown as I try to make out the letters of the caller’s name flashing across the dashboard. I squint, but can only see four blurry blobs of light. I should not answer. I will not answer. I cannot answer. But staring at the darkness ahead of me makes me feel so miserable and alone that my heart grows heavy like a stone, sinking in my chest.

I think that even in this blackest of nights, I can find a fragment of wisdom.

I know I need to answer the call. My thumb sinks into the button on the steering wheel. When his voice filters through the speakers, it surrounds me like a blanket and envelops me in warmth. I understand everything in this moment.

“Winter, I’m so sorry.”

He is the one who tore my soul into chaos, but he is also the only one who can make it calm. He is the one who hurled me into turmoil, but with a single whisper, he can give me serenity again.

“It’s okay,” I tell him as I drive forward into what is starting to look more and more like oblivion. I am starting to realize that I’m never going to make it home. And even if I do, nothing will ever feel like home again without Liam beside me. “I’m sorry, too.”

“What are you sorry for?” he asks. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“You’re right about me,” I tell him. “I’m oversensitive. I’m needy, desperate, clingy. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I’ve never done this before; not like this. I didn’t realize that life isn’t a perfect fairytale and you need to make concessions. I was never willing to make concessions.”

“You shouldn’t need to,” he tells me angrily. “I should have treated you better. I should have been more honest. I disrespected you.”

“Don’t worry, Liam,” I tell him softly. “It’s over now. You’ll move on and find someone better. You’ll find someone healthy, in both mind and body. Someone more fun.”

“Winter, I don’t want anyone else. I only want you. I love you.”

“Maybe,” I say, closing my eyes for a second. I can’t tell whether my eyes are closed or open. I push my foot down harder on the gas pedal anyway. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Just know that I’m glad that I met you. You changed my life, Liam. You gave me so much, and I’ll always be grateful. I’m not just talking about the physical ability to see—but everything else that you helped me see. I love you. I’ll always love you.”

“Winter, you’re scaring me. I just called to let you know that I’m driving now and I’m coming after you...”

I shake my head in refusal, and it causes my brain to ache. Crying has given me an agonizing, throbbing headache. “Don’t come after me,” I tell him softly as I try to focus on the road ahead. “I love you, Liam. Goodbye.”

Hanging up the phone, I release a pent up sob from deep in my chest. Talking to him hurts, but the silence in the car from not talking to him hurts
just as much. Possibly more. Looking up at the murky path ahead of me, I try to make out any recognizable shapes. I think that I can see the branches of a tree to my left. What I wouldn’t give for just a sliver of moonlight in this darkness! I start to feel the road becoming rough and I realize I have drifted too far to the right. I just want to go home. I just want to be safely sheltered indoors, away from the storm. A flash of lightning illuminates the road for a second, and my eyes widen in surprise.

There is a sharp curve directly
ahead of me, but I was too late to notice this. I try to turn, but I am going too fast. I lose control of the vehicle, and it spins out of my hands on the slippery roads. I gasp as the car breaks through the guardrail and begins to plummet down into a valley. I can feel the sensation of falling, and my stomach shrinks in fear.

Liam.

His name is my final thought as I shut my eyes tightly. I’m not sure if it’s a plea, a prayer, or lament. For a moment, nothing happens. My body and the car feel frozen in suspension. I hold my breath. Finally, the impact. My car slams into a tree, and a sickening crunching sound is heard. My body jerks forward before the car closes in around me. It feels like I am being flattened. There is a blinding pain in my head, and a piercing ringing in my ears.

The world goes pitch black.

A bit of sticky moisture irritates my cheek.

My face twitches and I try to pull away from the odd sensation. When moving even an inch causes my entire body to explode in pain, I groan loudly. I open my eyes, and I see a white pillow.
I lift my hand to touch it, and all my muscles feel stiff. When my fingers sink into the thin fabric of the pillow, I realize that it is not a pillow at all.

Air bag.

The word manages to jog some of my memories. I realize that the funny feeling on my cheek is Snowball licking me in a frenzied attempt to wake me up. I must have been out for hours. I look toward her, and once my vision is able to focus, I can see a few droplets of blood hanging on her white fur. I am immediately filled with worry, and I reach out to touch her to check for injuries. Somehow, she seems perfectly intact. A bit of liquid sliding down the side of my face alerts me to the fact that the blood must be mine.

My head is
pounding like a bitch, so I am not surprised. There is so much pain from the impact that I feel like my skull has been cracked open. I am also very cold. My chest hurts so much when I breathe that I am beginning to grow certain that these are my final breaths. I reach up and touch the tender spot where the seatbelt dug into my collarbone. I wince at the burning sensation in my skin. I am sure that there’s a nasty bruise there, but that’s the least of my worries. I press both of my hands against my chest, feeling like my lungs are ablaze. I cough softly, and this tiny movement sends a ripple of fire through my chest. I begin wheezing painfully for several seconds, before I can finally be still again. But the stillness does not ease my agony.

I manage to turn my head a little, and I can see that the sky has gotten
a bit clearer and the sun is beginning to rise. Tears touch my eyes.

It looks like I might
get to see the sunrise one last time.

I am suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to find a better place to die than in this cramped, semi-crushed car.
I reach down to unlatch my seatbelt to give myself some freedom. Putting my hands to my side, I try to open my driver’s door. For a moment, it refuses to budge as it has become slightly sandwiched, but I push as hard as I can until the door finally swings open. I go tumbling forward with the door, as I needed to use my entire body weight to make it move. I collapse roughly onto the ground, and for a few seconds, I am so lightheaded that I think I might pass out. Snowball quickly crawls over me to freedom and begins running around in excited circles in the thin layer of snow that covers the ground.

When did it start snowing?

After hanging halfway out of the car for a moment, I take a deep breath and manage to use my weak arms to pull the rest of my body onto the ground. Once my legs flop outside, I become aware of all the injuries in my pelvis and lower body. I wince, but it becomes a bit easier to drag myself across the wet, slushy ground by using my bruised knees. I move inch by inch, panting and gasping for breath as I crawl forward. I notice that I am leaving a glittering trail of blood on the fresh snow, just visible in the dim light of dawn. I manage to get a few feet away from the car until I am lying in a position with a good view of the sunset. I turn over to lie flat on my back for a moment, looking up with my arms spread wide. I smile as snowflakes drift down around me, falling gently on my cheek and forehead. I feel peaceful.

Turning my head ever so slightly, I gaze at the touches of color on the horizon.

All my pain seems to dissipate into those pastel clouds, and I know that it’s over for me. As the hues become more vivid and striking, my heart soars with them. I can imagine no better way to die. No better sight to see the last time I close my eyes. The beauty is so sublime that it stings my weary eyes with almost too much joy. I am so fulfilled and content in this moment that I have no more room for any more emotion; I am finished. When Snowball moves over to nestle against my side, I hug her gently.

“It’s not quite home,” I whisper to her, “but it’s close enough.”

She lets out a tiny woof of agreement.

I inhale deeply and let my lungs get filled up, thinking about how wonderful it feels to
simply breathe. The air is clear and fresh, and it tastes delightful. I should have appreciated each breath a little more—but if this breath is all I have left, I am satiated. 

When I let my eyes flutter closed, I know that they will never open again.

I feel myself drifting away.

“It looks like someone is in need of a doctor.”

There is a deep silence throughout the valley now; the kind that is common in the hours of early morning. It’s almost too silent. I find myself quirking one eye open in surprise.

Seeing Liam crouching over me, I am almost certain that I am hallucinating.
I didn’t even hear his footsteps approach. But Snowball seems cheerful and excited as she barks in greeting. Does she see him too? Is he really here? I am confused and disoriented.

“You’re going to be okay,”
Liam assures me as he brushes a few strands of hair from my cheeks. “Just stay with me, Winter.”

“But,” I manage to croak out. “You can’t
be here—you were going to New Hampshire.”

“
Yes,” he says tenderly as he examines the cut on my forehead. “I started driving up north before I remembered that you are way too smart and stubborn to make it easy for me to find you. Luckily, we got that GPS tracker for Snowball’s dog collar.”

“Oh my god,” I whisper
in horror. I glance over at Snowball’s little blue collar, completely ashamed that I forgot this critical piece of information. “Now you’ve betrayed me, too,” I accuse the adorable puppy, and she responds with a tongue-wagging grin. I groan and reach up to touch my throbbing head. The pain is now so severe that I can’t think straight, when a few seconds ago it had nearly faded away. “Couldn’t you just let me die in peace?” I ask Liam in annoyance.

“Absolutely not,” he responds. “It was a decent attempt; you’ve
wrapped your car around that tree quite nicely. But I’m not going to let you die without knowing how much I love you. I won’t allow it.”

I smile at this, and my eyes close again. I almost feel obligated to try my
best to die now, simply to be rebellious. For a moment, I am positive I will be successful. I have stepped halfway through the door when his voice begins tugging me back.

“Winter!” he says, shaking me gently. “Stay with me. Dammit. Didn’t you hear me?
I love you. You’re going to live so that I can fucking prove it to you. Every single day from now on, you’ll know that this is real. I’ll do everything I can to show you that this is real.”

“Just let me go,” I whisper.
The idea of escaping this harsh and painful existence is becoming more and more alluring. Maybe it’s what I needed all along. No matter how far away I drove, or ran, I couldn’t seem to get far enough. Maybe my true home is a special place in the distant void beyond this life. I am filled with the desire to explore onward and discover something new. Something better. 

“
Come back to me, Winter. Dammit! Fuck. Winter!” Liam holds me in a way that is both fierce and delicate at the same way. “I am fucking serious right now. I am not going to let you die. You can’t. Not here and not now. Not like this. You can die when I give you permission; in at least seventy years, when you’re a wrinkly old woman who can’t remember her name or achieve orgasms.”

I can’t believe he’s making a joke at a time like this.
I don’t have the energy to laugh, but I move my fingers to grasp his hand. He feels warm. He feels real. It hurts to speak, but I squeeze his fingers and try to whisper. “I don’t think any of your fancy medicine can save me now, doctor.”

“
Forget medicine, Winter. I’ve got something more effective than that. I love you. That’s the true magic of life, isn’t it? My love is more powerful than anything science can ever conceive; and I’m going to make you see that. We just need time. Just hang on—give me a little more time.”

The pain in my skull is so piercing that when I try to look at him, he dissolves into a hazy cloud of whiteness.
Is he a just ghost or a vision? An apparition of the thing I want most to see? The idea breaks me. “You’re not real,” I say in a dry rasp. “I’m delirious.”

“Come on,” Liam says, slipping his hands under my body and lifting me off the ground. “We need to get you to a hospital.”

The sensation of weightlessness startles me. I see the stark, ugly halls of a hospital, and I am immediately filled with terror. “No,” I say in panic, grabbing the collar of his jacket. “No, please. I don’t want to go to a hospital. Please just let me die here, in the sunrise?”

“Unfortunately, that’s not an option,” he tells me. Then he frowns. “Where the heck were you going, anyway?
What’s in Pennsylvania?”

I press my cheek against his leather jacket, trying to remember.
I see a pretty little cabin inside my head, surrounded by snowy mountains and trees. I begin using my fingers to draw the shape of a house on his chest, trying feebly to communicate before I am able to speak. “Home. I got a new home.”

“We’ll go there, then. I’ll nurse you back to health
. What’s the address?”

I can’t seem to remember the address. My mind is fuzzy for a moment, and I struggle to remember where I wrote the information down.
“My phone,” I whisper. After a second, I feel myself being carried back over to my car where Liam grabs my purse. I feel that he is carrying me away from the car when I open my eyes in alarm. I remember the thick leather-covered books with the precious photographs I never got to see. “There are photo albums... in the passenger seat. Can you return them to my dad and sister?”

“It’s okay,” he tells me.
“Your dad has copies.”

“Please get them for me,” I
whisper. I try desperately to remember everything I need to remember. It’s time for tying up loose ends. If I had a priceless artifact or a map to buried treasure hidden somewhere, now would be the time to tell him. Images of dollar signs and zeros dance across my brain, and I am struck by an idea. “Put me down and hand me my phone?”

He
kneels to gently lower me to the ground. I find myself being placed into a seated position with my back pressed against my car. He reaches into my purse to get my phone, and hands it to me before leaning forward to dig the photo albums out of the wreckage.

I feel
tremendously scatterbrained as I lift the phone close to my eyes so that I can see the screen. I have to fight very hard against the pounding in my head in order to do what I need. I feel Snowball nudging my legs as she moves around the landscape curiously, but I can’t see her. My eyes close several times and my head droops forward in the middle of performing a very basic function. But it’s the last thing I really need to do, and I know that I must.

“What are you doing?” Liam asks. “Is that your banking app?”

“I just transferred the rest of my money to your account,” I tell him as I let my hand fall to the ground and my eyes close again. “Maybe that will help you and make you happy,” I say as I let my body slide down to rest beside the mangled wreck of my vehicle. “It’s the last thing I can give you.”

“Winter. Winter!” he
grabs my shoulders and pulls me upright, as though yanking me from the very grasp of death. “Jesus. Do you think I drove all the way out here for your money? Is that what you think of me?”

“Maybe,” I say softly as
my head rolls to the side. I feel so woozy. “You can go now, Liam.”

“It’
s worthless,” he whispers. He crouches down next to me and pulls me into his arms. He cradles me gently against his chest, and places a warm kiss on my cold cheek. He touches me with such infinite tenderness; the kind that is used only in the first few moments of a person’s life, and again in their final moments. “I’ve never realized how worthless money is more than I do in this moment. I spent my whole life chasing it, but that’s only because I had nothing else. Now I have you, and all the love you’ve given me. I’d chase you to the ends of the earth. Don’t you understand, Winter? It’s just like you said about your writing. I didn’t know how to be anything else or do anything else until I met you. I didn’t know anything about love. You’ve become my family. You’re my reason. Just stay with me.”