ClarenceBN (10 page)

As if Tammy really wouldn’t have moved on with her life.

“I want Cwarence,” Mikey whispered into her hair, so quietly that she was sure no one else had heard her.
 

Her heart broke in ways she didn’t think were still possible. “I know, honey,” she whispered back. Then, in her best keep-calm-and-be-the-grown-up voice, she said, “It’s almost his nap time, Ezra.” She gritted her teeth. She knew what she had to do, but she wished that she didn’t have Clarence looming over her shoulder.

She didn’t know he could be like this—so physically intimidating, so danged
mean
. Yes, she realized he was a massive tank of a man—hard to miss that when she was sleeping with him—but when he was with her, he was respectful and mindful and always put her first.

Now? Now she’d seen him pick Ezra up, seemingly by the back of his neck, and physically throw him out of the clinic. And if Ezra said one more less-than-flattering thing to her, she didn’t have much doubt that Clarence would pound Ezra into the dirt.
 

There was no way to make everyone happy here. So she did what she had to. “Ezra, maybe you can come to dinner tonight? Mikey will be up from his nap by then.”

Clarence growled behind her. She felt him move and tensed—she really didn’t want to have to hold him back while she had Mikey in his arms.

Mikey, for his part, shook his little head back and forth in silent protest. God, she hated doing this. But the boy should know his father.
 

Shouldn’t he?

“
He
going to be there?” Ezra asked with a jerk of his chin toward Clarence.

“No,” Tammy said at the exact same moment Clarence said, “Yes.”

The door to the Clinic opened behind her. “I hate to interrupt,” said a tight female voice that could only belong to one woman—Dr. Madeline Mitchell. “Clarence, we have patients waiting. If there’s a problem, call Tim or Rebel.”

Tammy cringed. She could imagine that Tara had probably already called Tim, the sheriff, just because Ezra existed. “I have to get back to work, too,” Tammy said, mostly because she didn’t want to be alone with Ezra, knowing that everyone in the Clinic would be watching and also because it was true. She was still on the clock and Melinda might cut her some slack, but getting all the kids down for naptime was a two-woman job.
 

There was a moment of tense silence and she could feel Clarence glaring at Ezra. For his part, Ezra had an eat-shit-and-die grin on his face that she’d once thought was such a bad-boy look.
 

“Watch yourself around her,” was what Clarence said. Then he was gone, stomping back to the clinic with enough force to make the ground shake.
 

Mikey whimpered against her neck. “I’m sorry,” she said to Ezra again. But then it hit her—why the hell was she apologizing to him? He was the one who’d left the first time. He was the one who’d broken his promise to her. And now he was the one who’d rolled in here without a single thought as to how this might upset Mikey?

Now, without Clarence being angry behind her, she could feel the force of her own rage starting to build. “Actually,” she said, when Ezra took a step forward, like she was somehow the safer of the two options, “I’m not that sorry. Why didn’t you call, at least? You can’t show up after five years and expect to us to fall all over ourselves to accommodate you.”

Mikey’s grip tightened around her neck.
Sorry, honey
, she thought, rubbing his back. But suddenly she had to do this—had to show him that she wasn’t just waiting on him—that he’d never be her knight in shining armor.

“You sound like your sister,” Ezra stated flatly.

“Did it ever occur to you that she might be right? You left me. You left
us
, Ezra. Do you even have an excuse for that? Or was it just cowardice?”

“I wasn’t a coward,” he snapped. “I joined the Army. I did two tours in Afghanistan. I’m a warrior. Unlike your ‘friend’ there,” he added, using air quotes, as if Clarence could be diminished by this opinion of him.
 

“My ‘friend’ is my boyfriend, Ezra. And he was in the Navy for ten years. He’s a good man who takes care of people. Of
us
,” she added, hugging Mikey tightly. “So, if I were you, I’d think twice about mocking the best man on this rez. He’s already thrown you out once.”

Mikey started to cry. Tammy did not get upset very often and she felt bad for losing her temper right now in front of him but she’d always dreamed of what she might say to Ezra if he ever came back.

Funny, this was not how she’d thought it’d go.

“I need to get back to work,” she repeated. “If you’d like to come to dinner, you’re welcome. Your son is an amazing boy and he should know you. But if you thought that you could just roll back onto this rez and we’d be here waiting with open arms, well, I’m sorry. I put my son first.”

Ezra stared at her as if he’d never seen her before. Tammy certainly felt like it. She wasn’t the same naïve, hopeful girl she’d been. It wasn’t that she was older, although she was. But she’d fought her own battles, her own personal war between poverty and single motherhood and she’d made it as best she could without him.

“I thought you’d be glad to see me,” he said in a quiet voice. “I thought . . .”

“You thought wrong.” She took a deep breath, still rubbing Mikey’s back. “I still live with my mom. And Tara,” she added, figuring she owed him at least that much warning. When he made a face of disdain, she told him, “I couldn’t afford my own place once I had Mikey,” because that was his fault, too.
 

If only he’d stayed . . .

Well, then she’d be stuck with him. Saddled with a resentful, immature boy-man who didn’t know how to be a father or a good lover.

“Come by for dinner.” She knew it’d be a disaster one way or the other. If Clarence showed up, Tammy would spend the whole time making sure the two men didn’t fight like toddlers over a favorite toy. And even if Clarence stayed home, Tara would be in super-bitch mode.

“Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay.”

Tammy watched as he turned, got into a rusted-out Jeep and drove off.
 

“Honey, I’m sorry,” Tammy said in a soothing voice as she watched Ezra drive away.

Would he show up for dinner tonight? Or would he bail again?
 

Either way, she was going to be sorry.

*****

Clarence did not watch Ezra and Tammy through the door. Dr. Mitchell was giving him the look, patients were piling up, and besides, Tara was doing plenty of watching and adding color commentary to her play-by-play.

“He’s turning,” she announced as Clarence tried to focus on taking an older man’s blood pressure. “He’s getting in his car—what a piece of junk!—and—okay, he’s gone.”

The whole Clinic seemed to breathe a sigh of relief at that. “Women,” the older patient said with a sympathetic nod of his head. “Yours?”

“Yeah,” Clarence muttered, trying once again to keep count of the beats per minute and failing.

“Women,” the man said again. “But then again, they’re worth it, eh?”

Clarence tried to smile at the old coot, but his head was a swirling mess. Why hadn’t he ever thought about what might happen if Mikey’s dad came back? Why hadn’t he thought about how Tammy might rush to defend the jerk because, after all, he
was
Mikey’s dad?

She hadn’t even wanted him to come to dinner. And damn it all, he had to respect that wish even if it felt wrong—even if he knew he should be there to back her up and make sure Ezra didn’t start making snide comments about her body or her son—because he’d made a promise to her that he would respect her wishes.

Even the wish where he didn’t get to beat that smarmy little jerk into an oil stain. Dammit.

What made it worse was that Tammy didn’t come over on her way out. Not that she normally did—she was usually trying to get Mikey home before he fell asleep for naptime and, anyway, they didn’t want everyone looking at them. Yeah, most people had gathered there was something going on between them—it wasn’t a secret—but they did not fool around at work. At least, not once other people were present.

Still, when Tammy didn’t even stick her head through the divider and tell him what she and Ezra had agreed upon, it bothered him. No, Clarence wasn’t the boy’s father and maybe he didn’t have a vote in this matter. But he’d given the kid toys and had a small-but-growing DVD collection of cartoons with talking animals and trains at his house and he’d taken the boy trick-or-treating and that had to count for something, didn’t it? He was in love with Mikey’s mom and if they got married, he’d be Mikey’s stepfather and didn’t that mean he at least got to have a say?

Unless . . .

Unless he wasn’t going to get the chance to be Mikey’s stepfather.
 

Tammy took her son without stopping to see Clarence. And she did not want him to come to dinner that night. She’d been plenty plain about that.

Hell.

Maybe he shouldn’t go look at rings tonight after all.

Chapter Nine

Mom was not happy when Tammy told her that Ezra might be stopping by to see Mikey. “The one who left you high and dry?
That
no-good bum?”

“
Mom
,” Tammy said in a warning tone as Mikey began fuss. Yes, Ezra was a jerk and yes, Mikey had probably heard Tara call him a dickbag on numerous occasions. But that had been back when ‘daddy’ was an abstract idea, not a real person who was coming to dinner. “Can we try not to bad-mouth him in front of the kids?”

Mom gave her a look that was part glare, part confusion. “Fine,” she said. “I’ll set another place at the table. But I don’t have to like it.”

“Thanks.” Mikey sat down on the floor and started to cry in earnest. “I need to try and get him to go down in case . . .”

As irritated as her mother was, the older woman nodded. “Go on,” she said with the same put-upon sigh she’d heaved all those years ago when Tammy had revealed she was pregnant, as if this were just another inevitable trial to suffer through.
 

Tammy lifted Mikey up and carried him back to the room they shared. Back when he’d been a baby and Tammy had been unemployed, she’d napped with him a lot. He seemed to sleep better with her next to him. But in the last year or so, she’d come to value that quiet time more than the extra sleep. Besides, the boy turned like a top when he was dreaming and she got kicked enough at night.

Today, she lay down with him. He was still so upset by the afternoon’s events that he was whimpering quietly, a tight, pained little noise from the back of his throat. The noise seemed to punch right through her. It’d been bad enough when Ezra had hurt her. Mikey hadn’t been a factor then, other than an unknown baby that was ruining everything.

But now Mikey was a solid, real human who was fully capable of feeling the sting of rejection even if he couldn’t understand why.
 

She’d take his pain away if she could, but she knew she couldn’t do much more than calm him down because she might never understand the
why
, either.

“Baby,” she whispered as she rubbed his back. “It’s okay.” She hoped he couldn’t tell that she didn’t quite believe it herself.

“But, Mommy—that was my daddy?”

“Yes, honey.” She sighed—and then hoped it wasn’t the same world-weary sigh of her mom. The last thing she needed today was to turn into her mother. “I loved him very much once, but then he had to go away. He joined the army.”

“He left us,” Mikey said, tears spilling down his cheeks.
 

Tammy winced to hear her words coming out of her son’s mouth. “I know, honey. But we did okay. You have me and Aunt Tara and Grandma and . . . and Clarence.” Mikey gave her a look of uncertainty. “And
if
Daddy comes over tonight—” She couldn’t bring herself to say
when
because she couldn’t bring herself to put any stock in a promise that Ezra Johnson made, not even a small one about dinner. “Well, if he comes over we’ll just . . . get to know him. You should know your daddy,” she added, sounding more sure than she felt. “He’ll always be your daddy, even if he’s not always here.”

That was the best promise she could make him. It wasn’t fair to ask a four year old to understand a concept as foreign as that, but he was going to learn that one way or the other.
 

Mikey yawned and stuck his thumb in his mouth. Tammy thought he might nod off but then he said, “Will Cwarence be here?”
 

“I don’t know, honey. This isn’t his regular night,” she half-lied. Because he’d said he’d be here in such a way that made it pretty damn clear that wild horses wouldn’t keep him away.

But then, at the same time, she’d said
no
, he was not coming over. The talk in the parking lot had been tense enough and as much of a coward as Ezra was—warrior or no—he deserved a chance to get to know his son without Clarence sitting in judgment of him.

Mikey’s eyes began to drift shut. “If you marry Cwarence, will he be my daddy, too? He’d be a good daddy.” The last part came out as a barely intelligible mumble.

Tammy’s heart began to pound. If she married Clarence? “Let’s take a nap,” she said in her calmest voice when she felt anything but calm. “Love you, honey.”