City Girl (6 page)

How on earth was she going to face Lydia and tell her she was going to have a baby? If only she had a sister to confide in. Caroline would undoubtedly be shocked speechless; she was never any
help in a crisis. Maggie, yes, she could tell Maggie alright, but she was in Saudi, five months pregnant herself and she too had got pregnant on the pill.

Oh God, if only Colin was back. She sobbed aloud, not caring who saw her. How she longed to feel his arms cradling her against his shoulder, soothing her, calming her fears, taking charge of the
situation. If only there was divorce in Ireland he could leave his dreadful wife and marry her and she could have the baby and everything would be fine. Damn the referendum on divorce. Why
couldn’t people get a divorce if they were living in an unhappy marriage? Maybe Colin’s wife had trapped him with an unwanted pregnancy, maybe that’s why their marriage had failed
and now because of the mean dog in the manger attitude, the rigid narrow dogmatic views of people who imposed their beliefs on every section of society, people like Colin were trapped for life in
unhappy loveless marriages. It just wasn’t fair!

Her eyes were so blurred with tears, her mind so clouded with anxiety that she collided with a man coming in the opposite direction.

‘Oh, excuse me!’ She fought to regain her composure as he steadied her with a firm hand.

‘Not at all. Is something the matter?’ The voice was deep and attractive and Devlin noticed that the brown eyes staring down at her were kind and concerned.

Shaking her head hastily she lied, ‘Some sand blew into my eyes. Please excuse me, I should have been looking where I was going.’ Wiping the tell-tale tears from her eyes she noticed
that the man who spoke was accompanied by another, older man. She gave them an embarrassed smile and walked on leaving them both staring after her, a thoughtful frown on the younger man’s
face.

‘There’s one miserable young woman, Dad. I wonder what’s wrong with her?’

His father shook his head slowly. ‘There’s plenty in this world to make young girls cry, son, don’t you forget that.’

The man smiled down at his father. ‘Come on Da, let’s go and murder a pint and you can give me your lecture about settling down,’ he grinned. ‘I know you’ve wanted
to all day and it wouldn’t be the same if you didn’t.’ They walked on slowly, the son curbing his stride to suit his father’s.

Devlin walked in the opposite direction towards the bus stop, savagely telling herself to get a grip on herself. She had got herself into this mess and she and Colin would have to discuss what
was to be done. But how in the name of God could she have got pregnant when she was on the pill? She just couldn’t figure it out.

‘Did you forget to take it?’

She couldn’t believe the coldness in Colin’s voice or the horror on his face as she told him of her predicament when he arrived back two days later. She shook her head emphatically.
‘I took it every night, the pack makes it easy.’

‘Did you have vomiting or diarrhoea while you were on holidays?’ The cold professional voice chilled her to the bone, making her cringe inwardly. Remembering her bad attack of
Spanish tummy at the end of her holidays Devlin nodded miserably. It had lasted even through the weekend she had come home and of course, that was it. It even said in the instruction on the packet
to take added precautions in the event of having vomiting or diarrhoea. It hadn’t even crossed her mind at the time of her deflowering that the pill would not adequately protect her.

‘When?’ Colin’s question was curt.

She told him and this time her own voice took on a cool edge. To hell with him! she thought. It was as much his problem as it was hers but of course there was no such thing as ‘unmarried
fathers.’ It was always the girl who got the blame.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ His irritated accusing voice growled at her, a bad-tempered frown marring his handsome features. Was this the same loving man? Funny, she had never
noticed the slightly pockmarked texture of his skin, which was beginning to hint at jowls around his jaw. Another couple of years and his good looks would certainly fade if he didn’t look
after himself. She thought this in a strangely detached way as if seeing him for the first time.

‘For heaven’s sake, Devlin,’ he rasped, his brows drawn down in anger. Thrusting a small specimen jar at her, he sharply ordered her to fill it and bring it back to him.

So much for loving arms and words of comfort, Devlin thought, as she tried to perform with accuracy for the required sample. She knew with certainty that this was only the beginning. Somehow,
deep down inside her she realized that things were very definitely going to get worse. Looking at the little jar of urine that would shortly confirm what she already knew, she longed with all her
might to have the guts to fling it in his face and walk out of the office and never see him again. What a fool she had been! How naïve! Thinking that Colin might perhaps divorce his wife! She
felt as though she hated him and bitterness surged through her. The emotion shocked Devlin and she stared at herself in the mirror. This was the man she had thought she loved only hours earlier. It
now seemed like decades ago.

She had given him what she had once been told was a woman’s greatest gift. Her precious virginity. Impotent rage gripped her. It wasn’t fair! Why was it such a big deal? Why did men
not have the same pressure about their first time doing it? Did they ever feel dirty and used? And she had always thought she was so sure of herself, so sophisticated. What a laugh . . . how could
she have ever imagined that she loved Colin or that he had loved her.

‘Be honest.’ Devlin made herself stare at the image reflected in the mirror. ‘You wanted to find out what it was all about, you used him as much as he used you.’ The
truth of it made her squirm but she acknowledged it. It horrified her to think that she could be so shallow but although she did not realize it, this was her first real step on the ladder of
maturity. She would know many soul-searching moments in her life but none of them would ever be as difficult as this.

Several hours later, when his last appointment was finished Colin came and stood in front of her desk. ‘It’s very early but it’s positive all right.’ Still the cool
professional voice. ‘I presume you want an abortion?’

Devlin sat very still as his words sank in.

‘Well, Devlin?’ he queried, coldly, impatiently.

‘I . . . I . . . um I hadn’t really thought about it,’ she said quietly.

‘Well, darling,’ he drawled somewhat sarcastically, ‘isn’t it time you started. Do you want to carry the pregnancy to term? Do you want to keep the child or have it
adopted or do you want to get rid of it?’

Devlin looked at him squarely. ‘You’re the father, Colin. What would you suggest?’ His eyes hardened and he turned his back to her and walked over to the window.

‘I have three legitimate children, Devlin. I don’t want another one and you’ll have to prove I’m the father; I’m not accepting responsibility for it. I
suggest,’ he turned and looked at her coldly, ‘that I make arrangements for you to go to London to be seen by one of my colleagues over there and I suggest you go soon. This week in
fact if I can arrange it: it will be less traumatic.’

‘Jesus, Colin, you don’t mean that!!’ Devlin thought she was going to be sick. Her mind tried to accept his words. He wanted her to abort his own child and he hadn’t even
discussed any alternatives. Colin pulled her out of her chair and gave her a little shake.

‘Listen, you stupid little girl! Don’t think for one moment that I’m going to let you ruin my life as well as your own. Hell! If this ever got out I’d be the laughing
stock of the medical profession.’ He saw the disgust and repulsion in her face and let her go. ‘Look, Devlin,’ he said heavily. ‘Do you really want to have a child outside
wedlock? A little bastard? What’s the point of going through nine months of misery only to hand it over for adoption? Are you going to keep it and suffer the finger pointing and gossiping and
ostracism that goes on no matter who you are once you’re an unmarried mother? And you’ll never have another moment of freedom.’ He stared intently at her. ‘You have to think
of your own future too and I’m telling you here and now, London is the best option for you. I’ll take care of you financially – don’t worry about that – but . .
.’ his voice was steely, ‘if you decide on anything else you’re on your own and I won’t keep you on in the job. Don’t give me any crap about unfair dismissal either,
I’ve good friends in the legal profession so I’ll be well advised.’

He pointed a long manicured forefinger at her. ‘And you would be well advised to go to London. Think of yourself,’ he urged and this time his voice was less authoritative, kinder,
more like the old Colin. ‘Look,’ he said quietly, ‘we’ve both had a shock. Go home and think about it and I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Silently Devlin gathered up her
things. Her heart was pounding with a mixture of fear and anger. If she had the baby she would get no help from him and she would lose her job. If she had an abortion, which was murder, according
to her religion and the laws of the land, she would have to live with it for the rest of her life.
Only you would know.
The thought flashed through her mind and she had to admit that
abortion would be so simple. It would erase the problem like a duster on a blackboard. A clean slate. She could start again.

Pausing at the door she looked at Colin. ‘Thanks for all your help.’ He coloured faintly but said nothing as she closed the door, hating him as once she thought she had loved him.
How could he do this to her? She wanted to kill him, to hurt him in some way for what he had done to her. Bitterness so strong that she could almost taste it flooded through her. She could go to a
Garda station and say that he had counselled her about abortion and was prepared to refer her to an abortion clinic. Would he be arrested? She wasn’t sure; she knew that the law prohibited
abortion referral. How would he like his handsome face plastered over every newspaper in the country? That might knock the smug superior attitude out of him.

She knew she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t have the guts to do it and expose herself as well. ‘Oh Devlin, you fool,’ she cursed herself quietly as she got into her Fiesta. Her
heart sank even lower as she realized she had to go home to her parents for dinner this evening. Usually she went home for a meal once a week but lately she had really begun to dread going home.
There was such an air of strain between her parents and she guessed it was because of her mother’s worsening drink problem. She hated when Lydia had too much to drink. She would become
strident and then later start weeping, saying that Devlin had deserted them by moving into a flat. Her father would intervene and then her mother would turn on him, hurling abuse as though she
hated him.

It was a side of Lydia only the two of them saw. To her friends and neighbours Lydia Delaney was a gracious cultured woman involved in many church and social activities. She had a
distinguished-looking husband in a prestigious job who worshipped her, a beautiful home, an affluent lifestyle and was the envy of many of her neighbours. Yet Lydia Delaney was not a happy woman.
It was as if she carried inside her some secret sadness that had embittered her and warped her life and prevented her from ever being truly satisfied with her lot. Because theirs was not a very
close relationship, Devlin couldn’t talk to Lydia about her drinking and her unhappiness. Her mother was a cool and very reserved person as regards giving and receiving physical affection.
Not for Devlin warm loving hugs when she was a child. Not for her to be loved as other mothers loved their daughters.

‘Mind my dress, dear,’ or, ‘I’ve just put on my make up,’ Lydia would say to the young Devlin when in her spontaneous way she would throw her little arms around her
mother. So the child got out of the habit. Not that she had ever really seen an awful lot of her mother. Lydia was on many committees and involved in fund-raising for various charities. She played
a round of golf almost daily unless she was on one of her drinking binges, and so Devlin had more or less been raised by a succession of dailies and babysitters. Her father did not especially enjoy
the hectic social life Lydia forced upon him, but because he loved his wife and it seemed to keep her happy he went to openings and first nights, charity galas and church socials and it always
seemed to Devlin that no matter what he did it was never enough. It was as if Lydia had set some invisible goal that he could never reach.

How, Devlin thought, could she go home and tell her elegant reserved status-conscious mother that she was going to bear an illegitimate child? Devlin hoped to the depths of her soul that Lydia
would not be drunk tonight. She couldn’t cope with a scene; she was near enough to a nervous breakdown as it was. How could Colin be so unfeeling and cold? How could she have been such a
fool? Why wouldn’t her thoughts stop racing around her head, which felt as if it was going to explode? Why did her heart keep palpitating, causing her to feel dizzy? Was this what it was like
to have a nervous breakdown or was it because she was pregnant? Tears came to her eyes again and she cursed herself for being so weak.

Three

Eventually she turned off the dual carriageway up the exclusive road they lived on and into the long shaded avenue of their tastefully planned garden. The elegant Edwardian
house lay in a curve of silver maple trees, their lovely glossy leaves catching the rays of the evening. She loved the way the ivy grew around the large bay windows that now reflected sparkling
prisms of sunlight.

Two magnificent red hawthorns dominated the lush green lawn and Devlin smiled at the sight of them. They had been Gerry’s pride and joy and when she was a child and the soft red fragrant
flowers would begin to fall he would throw handfuls over her hair and tell her she was a flower fairy. Gerry loved his garden and spent many hours of solitude hoeing and weeding and planting. Lydia
shared his love of gardening and when they worked in it together they never fought. Devlin had always been happy to see them both in the garden on the rare evening that they weren’t going
out. At least there would be no rows.