Circles the Trilogy (Secrets and Lies) (8 page)

After a moment he says, “Sasha Ellis, I will have you. But this
is not the time or place.” He then leans over and places and lingering kiss on my lips and pulls my bottom lip between his teeth. He lets out a groan before releasing it and the sound sends a shudder through my body making me squeeze my legs together. The way my body reacts to this man is unsettling as well as exciting. After hearing for so long that it takes time for love and passion to grow between two people, I realize how wrong I was to believe that. I now realize that Daryn and I would never have the kind of passion I feel when I’m in Quinton’s arms.

I get quiet and Quinton senses my change in mood. He probably thinks I feel guilty for kissing him but I don’t. I feel trapped.
Trapped in my other life. I’ve experienced passion and desire and I feel sorry for myself because I know that I will be resigned to a life of charity galas, business luncheons, society parties, while being Daryn’s wife.

“You okay?”

I nod. If I speak, I may break down. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Like Quinton has said… I am a grown woman and it’s my own fault if I marry Daryn and accept a life I don’t want. I will only be able to blame myself.

I have no idea how to move forward.

I pull my shoulders back and do decide to ‘put my big girl panties on’ as Neesa always says and decide to just do what I need to do. I will talk to Daryn and tell him that I am not ready to marry him. I will tell him that I have no desire to live my life hosting cocktail parties and being a younger version of his mother. I won’t do it. I don’t want to do it. I will deal with the fallout of that decision like an adult.

***

The drive back seems to go by more quickly than the drive there. I guess it’s because I’ve made some decisions about myself and my life. I feel better than I’ve felt in a long time. I’m smiling like an idiot and humming along to the music playing in the car. Surprisingly enough, I know this particular song since it is one that Neesa often plays when she is getting ready to go out.

“What are you so happy about?” Quinton asks. He probably thinks I’m crazy with the up and down moods I’m experiencing, but I don’t care. Maybe I am a little crazy. And if I am crazy, then I love the feeling.

“I’m happy because I’ve had the best time thanks to you. I’ve also made some decisions. I don’t really want to say anything out loud yet, but let’s just say that I’ve realized that it is time for me to grow up and stop allowing other people to decide my future. I love the way I felt today and I want to feel like this every day. I know there is only one way I’ll be able to do that.” I smile again and he winks at me as if he knows exactly what I am saying.

I know that I’ve only known Quinton for a few days, but in this short amount of time
I’ve felt more like myself than I’ve ever felt in my entire twenty-eight years of life. We seem to have a strange connection that I cannot explain. He seems to know me better than Daryn and Daryn and I have been together for years. I don’t know if I want a relationship with Quinton, but I do know that I enjoy his company and I can see us becoming great friends.
Maybe even friends with benefits,
I think to myself. Never would I have ever considered starting a purely physical relationship with someone with no commitments before, but that person wasn’t really me. That was who I was expected to be.

“Good.” That one simple word makes me smile even brighter. He doesn’t question me or try to analyze what I’ve told him.
He’s listens and accepts what I’ve said without judgment. He hasn’t said that he doesn’t believe that I’ll do what I’m saying or offer me other alternatives. I feel like he believes in me and my decisions and will only offer his opinion if I ask for it.

I’m
taken away from thoughts of Quinton by my vibrating cell phone. I had forgotten all about it. But reality hits me squarely in the face when I see that I’ve missed several calls from Daryn, Neesa, Mrs. Bryant, and a few unknown numbers. The vibrating is a text from Neesa.

Neesa:
Where are you?

Me:
On my way home. Is there something wrong?

Neesa:
Why haven’t you answered your phone?

Me:
What’s going on, Neesa?

Neesa:
Have you seen the news or are you around a television?

Neesa is never this vague so I get worried that something has happened. I had
turned my phone off and left it in Quinton’s truck when we’d went in to see the animals and hadn’t thought to check it until I got the text from Neesa. I have a feeling that I won’t like what Neesa is about to tell me and I am sure it isn’t something I want to hear through a text message so instead of texting Neesa again, I call her.

When she picks up I ask her about the vague messages and she is hesitant to tell me anything. My mind immediately thinks that maybe one of my family members has been hurt and she assures me that that isn’t the case. What she does tell me
makes me sick to my stomach and I now see why she didn’t want to come out and say it in a text message. She knew I would call.  After she is finished telling me what she knows, we say our goodbyes and she tells me that she’ll be at home in about fifteen minutes and I tell that I’ll see her there.

“Shit!” I practically scream
and sob at the same time. Quinton looks over at me and grabs my hand. He doesn’t ask what the call is about, but he squeezes my hand as if he is assuring me that I can tell him anything. I look straight ahead at the cars zooming along to their destinations and recall what Neesa has just told me. I now know why Daryn wanted me to come by his office after my doctor’s appointment. I now know why he decided to propose to me when he did. I now know why it was so important for Daryn to find out sooner than later about his partnership with his firm. I now know that this was all his mother’s idea to have her son’s life all wrapped up and tied in a nice little bow. It was all so the media would see the Bryant family as a stable, successful, traditional part of the Atlanta community.

I’m
sure Daryn and his mother were livid when they couldn’t get in touch with me after my doctor’s appointment. I’m sure she was waiting at his office with the perfect dress in hand and a team to get me television ready for the appearance that I had no idea was supposed to happen.

“I need you to take me home through my building’s private entrance, not the front. I can’t take a chance of anyone seeing me exit your truck.” My voice is shaky as I direct him where to go. I’m not even remotely ready for what is possibly waiting for me back in my apartment. I am sure that Daryn is there seething
about the fact that he couldn’t get in touch with me earlier. I have no idea how I’ll explain my disappearing act.

“Do you wanna tell
me what’s up? You are shakin’ and you look like you are about to pass out. It wasn’t long ago that you were smiling and happy, now this. I don’t like it. I know it’s got something to do with Ol’ Boy. It’s pissing me off that one phone call makes you react like this. If you need me to come up to your place with you, I will. I am not going to let this asshole keep –”

“No!” I snap. “I’m sorry, Quinton. I didn’t mean to snap at you. You don’t deserve that.
But, no. I think it would be best if you just drop me off. I need to handle this on my own. It’s going to be a mess and I don’t want to make it worse with a confrontation. I appreciate your concern, but everything I said before may not matter. Go home and turn on the news and you’ll finally see why this way of life and these social circles I am a part of will forever dictate what I do, what I say, and how I’m forced to behave. I’m sorry if I led you on.”

Once we pull up to the private entrance in my building, I am thankful to see Neesa standing there waiting. She knew as well as I did that Daryn was probably waiting for me
upstairs. I’m sure she realized that there would be too many questions if she showed up without me.

Before I get out, I give Quinton a kiss on the cheek, knowing that this one day of happiness will be my last one for a while. Over the next year, my life will not be my own. My every action
will be judged and dissected by reporters waiting for me to do something that will be fodder for gossip. I will have to be on my best behavior and that means staying away from Quinton Ramsey. My only wish is that I would have been brave enough to make the decision I made earlier today, much sooner. Now I know I can’t say anything. I can’t.

Neesa comes over and helps me out of his truck.
I then walk past her and with each step I take; I feel my body returning to and transforming back into the person I don’t like. I faintly hear Quinton asking Neesa what’s going on, but I don’t wait around to find out what she says back to him. It doesn’t matter if she says nothing or tells him everything. He’ll find out soon enough what kind of people I have to deal with and what lengths they’ll go to in order to get what they want.

Eight - Lies

When Neesa meets me at the elevator, I don’t bother to ask what she told Quinton. She doesn’t volunteer the information either. She is my friend, my best friend, and she is there for me no matter what. I feel like this will be a time where I’ll need her more than ever.
And though this is not a life and death situation, I still feel like someone has died – me.

Neesa laces her fingers through mine as the elevator opens on our floor. “You know… I could just call him back and I’m sure he’d turn right around and take you away from all this. He really likes you and he is worried about you. You got out of his truck and left you
r purse, you were so out of it,” she says handing me my purse.

I give her a smile that
doesn’t reach my eyes. Neesa knows that I could never run away like that but I am silently thanking her for the thought. I’m sure she would do just as she said and call Quinton back. She’d let him take me away and he’d allow me to hide out with him. I know she’d face Daryn’s wrath alone if it meant that I was happy and in a place I wanted to be. But I can’t. The lie is already out there and the announcement has been made. My immediate future will be that of fake tears and interviews and presenting myself as a grieving fiancée. I guess in all honesty, I will be grieving. I will be grieving for the life I could’ve had if I’d been strong enough to stand up for myself and not let this life, these social circles, dictate my life for me.

***

Neesa opens the apartment door. Though he does not meet us at the door like he did before, I know Daryn is in the apartment. I can smell his expensive cologne and the bottle of expensive scotch is open and sitting on the counter.

“Do you need me to come with you?”

I know Neesa means well, but I can’t let her do that. I need to deal with Daryn on my own.

“I’ll be fine. What’s done is done,” I say. She hugs me and tells me to come and get her from her room as soon as Daryn leaves. I don’t answer because I am not sure that he will leave anytime soon. If he does leave, I’m positive that he won’t leave without me.

I open the door and instead of the fury I’m expecting, I see relief when his eyes land on me. He gets up off the chair and wraps me in his arms. I don’t know what to make of this but I don’t say anything and wait for Daryn to explain.

“
Sasha. Honey. I was so worried about you. When you sent that text saying you weren’t pregnant and then you didn’t show up at my office, I thought… I don’t know what I thought. I was just worried. I didn’t think you’d be so upset about finding out that you weren’t pregnant that you would just disappear. I have been calling you and texting you all afternoon. When I couldn’t get in touch with Aneesa, my mother and I almost called the police.” He pulls back and then wraps me in his arms again.

I have no idea how to respond to what he is saying. He thinks that I was so upset about not being pregnant that I was overcome with grief and spent the past several hours alone with my thoughts. He thinks the look on my face is one of sadness for not giving him something he wanted – a child. I’m shocked at the turn of events. I thought I would have to defend myself and we’d have a big argument about where I’ve been or who I’ve been with.

“I’m okay,” I say, though I’m not exactly sure if I am. This is why they fed the media that story after Judge Bryant’s announcement. They thought I’d been so depressed about not being pregnant that I’d gone somewhere and curled into the fetal position.
Ha! Not likely!

And
as if this strange caring version of Daryn wasn’t enough. He sits me down on the loveseat in my seating area and takes off my shoes for me. He runs his hand up my leg, massaging as he goes along. It feels heavenly so I lean my head back against the couch and let my frazzled nerves take a break.
Come on… You’d do the same thing. Don’t judge me, people!

He rises up off his haunches and sits next to me. He p
ushes my hair back and kisses me on my neck and then my cheek. He tells me over and over how sorry he is that I am so upset about not being pregnant. I begin to feel guilty for the things I’ve done today and my negative thoughts of him. I know I’ll have to lie about why I didn’t answer my phone and where I’ve been but there is no way I could ever admit that I was out basically celebrating the fact that I wasn’t pregnant. There is no way I can say that today, without him, I had the best day of my life with a man that wasn’t him.

What is wrong with me? I’m out with Quinton while my fiancé is here worried to death about me. This proves how much he really cares for me
, doesn’t it?
Those thoughts clench my heart as my mother’s words run through my head. She told me that it may take longer for Daryn to show me how he really feels about me. She told me that it may take time to develop. I was so caught up in Quinton today that I almost gave up believing her. Maybe she was right.

Daryn kisses me on my lips. He kisses me again and again. He trails kisses down the exposed part of my chest and stops abruptly. He scrunches his nose up.

“What?” I ask. I’m afraid that he may somehow sense Quinton’s presence or smell his scent. I stiffen. I should be offended, but I am relieved when Daryn speaks.

“Darling?
Why do you smell as though you’ve been to a petting zoo? Where did you go when we couldn’t find you?” He looks into my eyes and I turn away. I can’t bring myself to lie while looking into his eyes.

“Oh, that…
I … um… I just started driving and I ended up at the Atlanta Zoo.”
When did I become such a good liar?
“I think I just needed to be somewhere that I could see the smiling faces of children having fun with their parents.” The lie flows so smoothly that I surprise with myself at how good it sounds. “I saw the animals and yes, I did visit the petting zoo there. I probably looked like some crazy child stalker walking around by myself, but it was exactly what I needed at the time.”
Gosh. When did I learn to lie so well?
I ask myself again.

He nods in understanding. “Wh
y don’t I go run you a hot bath? You can go grab yourself a glass of wine. I hate to rush you, but we really need to talk about my father’s announcement and explain to you why my mother and I felt it was necessary to tell the media the things we did.”

“Okay. I’ll be right back.” I walk into the kitchen. Neesa is there on the phone, but quickly ends her conversation when she sees me walking in her direction. She stares at me as I
walk over to the cabinet a grab a glass. I look in the fridge and see that Neesa has already chilled a bottle of the cheap Lambrusco that I love so much.

“I thought you might need it.”

“Thanks. You are such a good friend to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” A tear escapes my eyes and she pulls me into her small frame and hugs me tight. I start to sob. She probably thinks I’m sobbing because Daryn has said something to me or made me feel as though I have no say in my life, but I’m not. I’m crying because I’ve made a complete mess of things by allowing myself to develop feelings for Quinton. I’m crying because I’m confused. I’m crying because I know I should be furious with Daryn and his mother, but I’m not. I stop crying long enough to tell her why Daryn was here waiting for me, but I don’t go any further than that. I don’t want to talk about Quinton with Daryn right there in the other room. I don’t think she wants to talk about him anyway since her jaw is on the floor after I tell her what Daryn and his mother thought.

I know my friend very well and I see that she is angry with me that I’ve simply decided to accept what they have done. I agree that what they’ve put out there is a lie. It’s unethical and immoral and if anyone finds out, the shit will definitely hit the fan, but what else can I do. What’s done is done.

“You’ll never have to find that out, Sasha. But what about Qui –”

I pull away when his name threatens to leave her lips. I shake my head. “That was a fantas
y. This is reality.
My
reality.”

I walk away with my glass of wine and find Daryn chatting away on the phone – my phone. He mouths to me that he is talking to my mother. I walk on by him and start to undress for my bath. I set my wine glass on the ledge as I step in and settle myself into the vanilla scented bubbles. I wonder who’ll enter the bathroom to sit with me. Will it be the caring version of Daryn who thinks I’m sad over the fact that I am not pregnant with his child or will it be the one that I know so well?
The one who, along with his mother, has schemed to turn my disappearance today into a political ploy to raise his father’s poll numbers.

I still can’t believe it. While I was out having the best day
of my life, Judge Bryant was announcing his intent to run for senate next year. They’d had a news conference at Harris & Park – Daryn’s office – and had expected me to be there with them for the announcement. He’d asked me to come to his office after my appointment so that I wouldn’t be able to say ‘no’ to being paraded in front of the cameras for all of Georgia to see. I guess when I didn’t show, Daryn had to tell his mother about my appointment and the result. She probably was the one who came up with the idea to tell the media that I wasn’t yet fit to be on television because I was at home grieving over the supposed miscarriage that I’d found out about that morning.

That’s what had Neesa so upset. She was upset that I am not throwing Daryn out and giving him a piece of my mind for allowing that lie to come out
of his mother’s mouth in front of all of Georgia. Yes, it was wrong. It’s immoral, but it’s too late now. I love Judge Bryant like a second father and I won’t ruin his chances at the senate seat because I am a disgruntled fiancée. I won’t embarrass his family or my family. Yes, breaking up with Daryn would’ve been a major embarrassment, but a society page embarrassment is a lot different than what could happen if I break up with Daryn or reveal that I was never pregnant. It would be a media disaster and no one from either one of our families would be able to show their face in public again. Fun and happiness are great fantasies, but the reality of my situation is that I now have a responsibility to the people that I love. I know that Quinton may think that I’m a coward but I’ve only known him for a few days. I’ll eventually get over him and he’ll move on to the next woman who presents a challenge for him. I’ll just be some distant memory to him.
I guess being able to lie to myself comes with my new found lying ability.

I
don’t know how long I’ve been sitting there inside my own head but I know it’s not long because the water is still warm. I hear Daryn saying bye to my mother and promising her that I will call her after I’ve taken a nap and had some time to rest. Obviously my mother is worried. She’s had to hear things about me in the news and though I know that none of it is true, she doesn’t know that. She thinks her oldest daughter has had a miscarriage and had never told her that she was pregnant. I feel terrible. I groan out loud and lower myself into the water until my whole body is submerged.

When Daryn reaches the tub, I must look a sight with my body under the water as if I’m trying to drown myself. He reaches in and pulls me up startling me, but the look of pure panic on his face snaps me out of it and I realize that he must really think that I’m practically suicidal.
I’m not. Far from it. Homicidal maybe, but not suicidal. I wish I could wrap my hands around Ella Bryant’s neck and choke the life out of her for the position she’s put me in. She is forcing me to go along with this lie which means I’ll get asked questions and I’ll have to be sad. I’ll have to sit down with her and come up with some sort of timeline of events leading up to the ‘miscarriage’.
I wonder what kind of punishment God will give me for a lie such as this.

“Sasha! Are you okay?”

“Oh. Yes. I’m sorry. I’m sure this looks… I mean… It’s been a long day. I wanted to block everything out for a few seconds.” My body is pressed into Daryn’s chest. I’m getting him soaked and I’m dripping water everywhere. My eyes are burning from the soapy water and as I look over Daryn’s shoulder I see that my glass of wine has spilled onto the floor. I feel Daryn release a sigh of relief at my words. I look at his face and see that his skin has gone pale and his eyes have unshed tears. I feel bad for making him think I would harm myself, but I wonder why he thinks I am this depressed over not being pregnant. Does he honestly think I care that much about having his baby? When I walked in after being gone all day, did I look a certain way? Maybe, just maybe, I’d really accepted that I could’ve been happy. Maybe a part of me did die with the news that I’d have no choice other than to be tied to Daryn. Maybe I am grieving. I’m grieving the loss of the Sasha I thought I was on the verge of becoming and not some imaginary baby.

“Thank God!”

“Daryn… please. I have no intention to hurt myself. I’m just tired. Like I said, it’s been a long day.”

Daryn accepts this explanation and leaves the bathroom. I quickly wash up and as I’m finishing, he returns with one of those towels that Neesa ordered from an infomercial late one night. Two of them have soaked up all the water and the wine
spill. Now the floor looks like nothing was ever there. I step out of the tub and dry off. I lotion my body and slip on my robe. I join Daryn in my room where he is getting undressed.