Christmas Carol (13 page)

“It’s all right. You aren’t hurting me,” she
responded, surprised at how easy his entry was. Why there was no
discomfort when she was in Lady Caroline’s virgin body she could
not imagine, but she did not have time to wonder about that
particular phenomenon. Passionate need clamored within her and she
gladly gave in to its commands. “Oh, Nicholas, I love you!”

She pulled him closer still, until he was
completely buried inside her and her heart was singing in
anticipation of what would happen next. She was not disappointed.
His restraint and his skill were working their desired effect on
her. Even now his caresses and his hot, demanding kisses continued.
She was shivering and quaking beneath him before he finally
released all control to take her with a stormy abandon that brought
her to a throbbing, shuddering release. Turning her head aside to
gasp for air, Carol looked into the flames in the fireplace and
felt herself and Nicholas become one with them, cracking and
burning with a searing, blinding heat.

It was a long time before either of them was
able to speak again. Nicholas lifted his weight off her and
gathered her tenderly into his arms, holding her so her back was
toward the warming fire.

“Hush, my dearest, don’t cry.” He wiped a
tear off her cheek. “Surely you know that I love you, too, and I
will not leave you or think less of you because of what we have
just done.”

“Do you mean that?” She wasn’t certain he
heard her, because he continued as if he were musing aloud to
himself.

“How can this have happened to me, when I
never loved before? But I do love now, and more completely than I
ever dreamed was possible. Caroline, I think I would die without
you.”

It was then, at that exact moment, that Carol
realized she could not tell him the truth after all. Sooner or
later, she was going to have to go back to the twentieth century,
while he would have to remain where and when he was and marry Lady
Caroline. And while he might think he would die without her, Carol
knew she would go mad if she left him to suffer for the rest of his
life from the loss of the woman he loved. The pain he would feel at
her absence she would feel too, for they were bound together beyond
the limits of mere time or space. The only solution, the best thing
for Nicholas, was to let him go on believing that the woman he
loved was the real Lady Caroline.

“What an unexpected joy,” he murmured,
stretching luxuriously while keeping Carol still within the circle
of his arms, “that having made up our minds to be practical and do
our respective duties, we have found love.”

After a long, sweet kiss, he withdrew his arm
from beneath her shoulders and propped himself up on one elbow so
he could look down at her. He spoke softly, gently, as if he wanted
to quell any fears she might still have after the last, tender
hour.

“Caroline, my dear, there is something I must
ask you. Please do not be embarrassed, and do not be afraid to tell
me the truth. I believe it is what you wanted to tell me last night
during our carriage ride, and what you have been trying to say
since you came here today. Only something so vitally important
could lead you to disregard the rules of proper conduct. You see,
for all the recent changes in your actions, I do still know you
fairly well.” He ended with a smile.

“What do you want to know?” Carol did not
think he could suspect the truth. Something else must be bothering
him.

“I could scarcely believe my discovery,” he
said, still speaking softly, “because you have always, until the
last few days, been the very model of a well-brought-up young
lady.”

“Have I said or done something to offend
you?”

“I cannot answer that question until after I
have heard your explanation. I am aware that there may be some
innocent explanation, Caroline, and I am willing to listen to it
without anger, and without blaming you.”

‘What are you talking about?” She sat up,
putting a little distance between them, so she could think without
the distraction of his warm skin against hers.

“My dear,” he said quietly, “you were not a
virgin.”

“Oh, my God. You could tell? Of course you
could. That’s why you stopped for a second right in the middle of
everything, isn’t it? Oh, what you must think of me. I know how
important a bride’s virginity is to the men of this time.
Nicholas,” she gasped, “does this mean you want to call off the
engagement?”

“It means I want to know what happened to
you. Some girls ride a lot, and that can make a difference, but you
have never been particularly fond of horses. Well, Caroline?” He
was sitting up, too, now, facing her directly. He did not look
angry, but Carol thought he must be awfully disappointed in his
fiancee.

“I don’t expect you to think well of me after
I’ve come here in defiance of all the polite rules of society.
Certainly, you can’t want to marry me after discovering that I
am—what shall I call it, Nicholas? Used? Would that be an
appropriate word?” She saw him wince at the harsh term.

“Just tell me what happened,” he said. “I
have a right to know, and I am willing to listen.”

“I guess you are being a lot nicer to me than
most men would be at a time like this. How could I have been stupid
enough to ruin everything for you and for Lady—” She broke off,
staring at him. His face was pale and his eyes were hard. When she
moved, trying to put even more distance between them, he caught her
arm to hold her where she was.

“
Answer my question, Caroline
.” So
compelling was his manner that she did as he demanded. She told him
the truth.

“I thought he loved me. He said he would
marry me. But then my circumstances changed, so he left me.”

“When?” he said. “When did it happen?”

“It was almost eight years ago.”

“Eight years? You were only sixteen? You were
still a schoolgirl! Caroline, where were your parents? How could
they allow this to happen?” When she did not answer, he went on in
a deadly cold tone of voice. “How long did this affair last?”

“It wasn’t an affair,” she cried. “It only
happened once. It was very fast and not at all pleasant for me. In
fact, it was painful. And bloody. He left me feeling dirty and
emotionally numb. After that one time, I wouldn’t let him get close
enough to do it again. But I still thought he would marry me. I
actually thought he loved me in spite of the fact that he had taken
what he wanted without regard to my feelings. Some girls are
incredibly foolish, aren’t they?” There were tears running down her
face, but she ignored them.

“Who was he?” Nicholas demanded, and she
could tell he wanted to kill the man. At least that wasn’t going to
be a problem.

“His name was Robert Drummond,” she said.
“You don’t know him.”

“Sir Robert Drummond?” His voice hardened. “I
am aware of the man’s existence, though I have refused his
acquaintance in the past.”

“No, it’s not possible,” she groaned, fearing
the worst. Ever since the terrible night when Robert had so
callously taken her virginity, Carol had sensed that he was not
finished with her. He had disappeared from her life when her
father’s bankruptcy became public knowledge and she had never seen
him again, yet his memory went with her wherever she was, like an
evil shadow standing behind her.

“It is fortunate that he left the country
last year or I would be obliged to call him out,” said
Nicholas.

“Left England?” she repeated, wondering how
there could be two such cold, uncaring men as Robert Drummond. With
all the pain of her unhappy past in her voice, she added, “I hope
he went straight to Hell.”

“In point of fact, he emigrated to America
rather than fight a duel with an outraged father. From what I have
heard, the case was similar to yours, my dear. I am sorry you were
so badly used, Caroline, and so poorly protected by your family.
Your parents must be held partly responsible for what happened to
you, you know.”

“I suppose you will want to cancel our
engagement now,” she whispered, gazing down at her own hands rather
than at his face. “I know that noblemen feel they have the right to
demand virgin brides, so they can be absolutely certain their heirs
are actually their own children.”

He lifted her chin so she was forced to look
at him, though she was so consumed with shame at having proven to
be less than he wanted her to be that she would have preferred to
keep her face hidden. He was silent for a long while, looking deep
into her eyes. When at last he spoke, he did not say what she
expected to hear.

“How can I reject you when I have just done
something similar to you?” he asked.

“Not similar at all,” Carol protested. “This
time, instead of hating what was happening, I cooperated. You gave
me several chances to say no. If I had said no, you would have
stopped. And you saw to it that I enjoyed what we did. Those are
very big differences, Nicholas.”

“Now I know why you were always so cool to
me, and why you were cold toward other men, too. No wonder you
reached four and twenty with nary a proposal. It was because in
your heart, you wanted nothing to do with men after that tragic
betrayal of your innocent trust. I consider it little short of a
miracle that you were able to overcome your distaste for an act
that you must, ever since that terrible day, have regarded as
horribly brutal. I will never forget that I am the man you loved
enough to trust me not to hurt you when I possessed you.” One
finger traced along her cheek to the corner of her mouth. “I
understand so much more about you now. Caroline, I want to change
the terms of our agreement.”

“I know. You don’t want to marry me.” She met
his eyes with a touch of defiance. “All right, Nicholas. Thank you
for the kind words, but they really weren’t necessary. I will agree
to break the engagement without making a big public fuss, so you
will be spared any scandal. I know by now how important a good
reputation is to you.

“However,” Carol went on, determined to
salvage something out of the debacle she had created by giving way
to her foolish passion for this man, “I do place one condition on
my compliance with your wishes. You must promise me that you will
still settle that dowry on Penelope so she can marry Lord Simmons.
Penelope should not have to suffer for my youthful transgressions.
And I don’t want her to know the real reason for the end of our
engagement either. We can tell her it was à mutual agreement.”

“Caroline.” Nicholas was grinning at her.
When he continued, she could not believe what she was hearing. “I
am amazed that I have only recently begun to appreciate what a
wonderful person you are. I thank heaven that you were finally able
to overcome the coldness that was your heart’s protection against
the terrible thing that was done to you.

“Penelope will have her dowry. Never fear on
that score. Penelope will always be like a sister to me.”

“Thank you.” Carol wished he would stop
smiling at her in that crazy way, when she felt like crying her
eyes out. Not only had she ruined everything for herself, she had
succeeded in ruining Lady Caroline’s life, too, in spite of Lady
Augusta’s ghostly predictions that Carol would be unable to change
the past. It was unforgivable, when Lady Caroline had never done
anything to hurt Carol.

“I believe, my dear,” said Nicholas, still
grinning, “that you have misunderstood me. I do not wish to break
off our engagement, nor to change the financial settlements. I only
want to renegotiate the personal terms.”

“What are you saying?” Carol gasped.

“I think you know. I entered this betrothal
as you did, seeking only practical gains. I wanted an heir to my
title, while you sought economic security for yourself and a dowry
for your sister so she could follow her heart. We both forgot the
emotional aspects of marriage.

“Caroline, I will say it again. In these last
three days, I have fallen deeply into love with you. Nothing I have
learned this afternoon has changed my feelings.”

“You love me in spite of my awful history?”
she exclaimed, still disbelieving.

“I am as surprised as you are,” he said
ruefully. “Caroline, I tell you in all truthfulness, if someone had
proposed today’s events to me as a hypothetical problem, I would
have said that I would reject the woman in the case. But I find I
cannot reject you. Yes, I do love you, with all my heart, and all
the more because you were willing to flout convention to come to me
in order to confess your sad past. Have you any idea what your
trust and honesty mean to me?” Kneeling before her, he took both of
her hands in his.

“Lady Caroline,” he said in a formal voice,
“I want to make a new betrothal, here and now. I do solemnly
promise that I will love you and protect and care for you for the
rest of our lives. And I will be a faithful husband. I swear it on
my honor.”

“Nicholas, are you absolutely sure about
this?” she cried, dismayed by his misreading of her intentions in
coming to him and wondering what would happen when he found himself
wed to the real, presumably virginal, Lady Caroline.

“I have never been so certain of anything in
my entire life.” Lifting her hands to his lips, he kissed them
both, and then kissed her mouth to seal what he referred to as
their new betrothal.

“I love you, too,” Carol murmured. “I will
always love you, no matter where or when I find myself.”

“You will find yourself always at my side,”
he whispered, “because after we are wed, I will never let you be
anywhere else.” He drew her down to lie on the carpet again while
he made love to her once more. This time he told her repeatedly
what was in his heart and Carol, bound to him forever by her own
love, responded with a depth of emotion that left both of them
shaken yet completely satisfied.