Chosen Heart (5 page)

This is exactly what I’m talking
about.  He is confusing with a capital C.  Giving me shit about Cole
and then ending the night on a sweet note, which brings me back to our first
meeting at the gas station.  I thought I saw concern in his eyes, but I
assumed it was only a figment of my imagination.

~~~~~

I don’t want Cole to worry, so as
soon as I walk in the door, I text him.

**I’m Ok! No
need to blackmail or file police reports. Thanks for worrying about me.**

Immediately, I receive a response
back.

*Nice to know
you’re still alive…You know I always worry about you. So, how was work? Why
were you late?*

I don’t think it would be
appropriate to tell him how I’m really feeling. 
Let me see.  I
work with a man I’m obsessing over and it’s only been two days.  I
envision his hands all over me, giving me pleasure in more ways than I could
ever imagine.
  Nope, not going there!

**Work was good.
Still learning…tired and in need of a bath. I had to stay late. The VP asked
for my help. I do as I’m told.**

*Well I hope you
don’t do everything you’re told! It’s a tough job, but I’d be willing to come
over and help you with that bath.*

I hate having conversations with
him over texts.  He has no filter.

**Thanks for the
offer, but no! Good night Cole!**

*Whatever, you
know I’m always up for a good lather. Good night, Ely*

Text messages like these make me
feel a little guilty.  Alexander James may be my new sexual fantasy, but
Cole is technically my only sexual experience.  Even though our
relationship lacked passion, I forced myself into believing that eventually the
need and urgency would grow with time.  But, it never happened and it
wasn’t fair to continue down that road with him knowing my heart would never
belong to him.  At this rate, my heart will possibly always remain mine
and mine alone.

It’s not that I don’t want the
fairytale; you know the whole package with kids and the white picket
fence.  But, I’m beginning to believe that maybe it isn’t for
everyone.  Growing up watching my parents, I know love is attainable, but
what happens if you never meet the one person who completes you?  The one
person you can’t possibly live without?

Throughout the years, it’s been
hard to let anyone get close to me, which explains why Cole is my only
friend.  Occasionally, he tries to blur the lines between a friendship and
relationship, which I’ve tolerated, but I’ve made sure to keep the two
separate.  Call me a sap, but I still yearn for the type of love that’s
written in the stars.  The type of love that changes you and makes you see
the world differently.  And Cole wasn’t it.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Relaxing after a long day at
work, I’m startled by the incoming texts from Cole.  What is he up to now?

*Hey, I looked
into your company. There’s info about your VP I think you should know.*

**Why are you
looking into my VP? There’s nothing you can tell me that I probably don’t
already know**

*Trust me. You
don’t know this.*

**You are so
damn nosey. I can’t stand you sometimes**

*I’m at your
front door, let me in!*

I hate to admit the only reason I’m
going to open the door, is that I want to know more about Alexander
James.  Unfortunately, I haven’t seen him since Tuesday, and because I’ve
never experienced this level of infatuation, I have to settle for gossip from
my ever so eager best friend.  I hate that I always give into him.

Grumbling all the way to the
door, I spring it open to see a doe-eyed Cole, grinning from ear to ear with
his boyish charm.  Sometimes I wonder about him.  Even in the summer,
and a shaved head, he still wears a beanie.  I used to love his floppy
blonde locks, especially when it would hang over his deep, dark blue eyes, but
now all I get to see is his bald head.  After we broke up, he said he
needed a change.  I guess the change was a whole new Cole, shaved head
with a massive tattoo on his back.

In his casual attire of a
pullover and jeans, he looks just as handsome as the first day we met. 
Bringing me into a small embrace, he walks over the threshold.  Looking at
me through the corner of his eye, we sit down on my couch.  I know he’s
trying to gage my level of irritation and I hope it shows that I’m none too
excited that once again he’s prying into matters which are none of his
concern.  But, you can’t tell him that.  All he’ll say is that he has
a right to pry since he’s majoring in Journalism; a major that definitely fits
his curious personality, but is extremely inconvenient for his best friend.

“How was work today, Ely?” he
asks genuinely, patting my knee.

“Fine, Cole,” I sigh at his
touch, knowing it means more to him than it does to me.  Even though I
know it doesn’t mean anything, I don’t want to waste any time, and shrug off
his gesture.

“I know, I know…no small
talk.  Fine, let me get to why I came over.  I saw a picture of your
V.P. and thought it was quite peculiar that he was so young.” 
Why in
the world would he be looking at pictures of my V.P.?  Hmm…I wonder where
these pictures are?  Google?  Something to keep in my mind for later…

“So, I thought I would do some
digging.  At age thirty, he’s massed one of the largest clientele, and
rose from mail room clerk to not only V.P., but Senior V.P. in only eight
years.  You don’t think that’s strange?  It’s nearly impossible to
climb up the corporate ladder that high, that fast, Ely.”

“Ok, he’s young.  So
what?  I knew that just by looking at him.  And he’s motivated. 
Again, so what?” 
Shit…he is young!
  I really hadn’t thought
about it, but I know Arianna wouldn’t put someone in charge that wasn’t
capable.

“He’s the youngest V.P. in the
history of Salerno Health.  Maybe, even the youngest ever.” 
I
knew he was smart! 
Damn it, Cole.  Now, more than ever, I feel
the object of my obsession slowly waning out of my reach.

Rolling my eyes, I move my hand
in a gesture that says move it along. “Okay, Okay…There is something else. 
You need to stay away from him, El.  He’s dangerous.”

“Dangerous how?”

“I dug up his record and most of
them are sealed, but apparently he beat the crap out of some guy; bad enough
that he ended up in the hospital.”

I remember thinking he could be trouble,
but never thought he would be anything more than sexually dangerous.  I’m
astonished.  He doesn’t seem like a violent person, at all. 
There
were those scars on his knuckles, Ely.  Don’t ignore the signs, you should
know better by now.

“What does any of this have to do
with me, Cole?”

“I just think you need to know
the type of man you’re staying late with.  I want to make sure you’re
safe.  You know I’ll always be concerned for your safety,” exasperated, he
pauses to look down at his empty hands.  “You’re not the best judge of
character.  So I figure if I’m warning you in advance to stay away from
him, maybe you’ll make better decisions and be smarter this time.  I won’t
always be there to protect you.”

Asshole!

Staring at each other, I feel the
blood beginning to boil under my skin.  How dare he treat me like an
ignorant child.  I know I’m not always street savvy, and in my past I’ve
been naïve to trust others, but I’ve changed since college.  I’ve learned
my lessons.  Cole, as always, is trying to control my decisions. 
This has got to stop.  Now!

“First of all, you need to stop
worrying about me.  This is
my
life!  We are friends and
friends don’t do this kind of thing!” I huff.  “What even made you look
him up?  Was it because I was working late with him?  Or was it
because you feel the need to control everything in my life?”  Cole remains
silently frozen, as question after question spew from my mouth.

“Just because someone got into a
fight doesn’t mean they’re a serial killer!”

I swallow, trying to calm myself
before continuing.  “I appreciate your concern, I really do.  But you
need to stop,” I beg through gritted teeth.  “This is one of the reasons
we would have never worked out.  Your need to turn everything into a
conspiracy, or a story, it’s just…wrong!  I am not a fucking story! 
Do you understand me?”  The tension radiates off my body, as anger surges
through me.  I know he thinks he’s protecting me, but prying into my life
every chance he gets is old and I’m tired.

Besides, digging up dirt on Mr.
James is completely ludicrous and almost embarrassing. 
Wait…Shit…Does
my obsession run that deep where I’m already defending him?  Shit!

Listening to me verbally assault
him was probably not the way he imagined this going down, and he is clearly
hurt by my outburst.  But, his hurt turns to irritation, shoulders tensing
as he sits straight up.  Fisting his hands, he slams them on the couch,
causing me to jump.

“First of all, you broke up with
me because you are emotionally fucked up and incapable of receiving anything
that resembles love from anyone other than your sister.  I was only
looking out for you.”  Closing his eyes, he takes three deep breaths and
flexes his fingers.  You can see the tension leave his body as our gazes
meet.  In a matter of minutes he goes from zero to ten and then back down
to zero.  He’s always been able to get over arguments quickly, which
attributes to how we’ve gotten through so many years together.  But this
time, I refuse to allow him to talk me out of being angry.

I know it’s my dumbass fault for
bringing up our previous relationship, leading the shit-storm to head in my
direction.  But just like any other time, I refuse to talk about our
non-existent relationship or what we were or could have been.  I take a moment
to articulate my words.  My intentions are not to hurt him, but to simply
make him understand the line that I’ve drawn.

“We are not talking about us,
Cole.  We broke up three years ago.  I’ve moved on…I thought you had
as well.  I can’t do this with you.  Not again.  I want to keep
you in my life, but not if you’re going to torture yourself.  We need some
distance, take some time and get your head on straight.  When you can
treat me like the best friends we are, and nothing else, then we’ll talk.”
 His face pains with anguish, and once again I’m breaking his heart.

“You’re not just my friend,
Elyssa...you’ve never been.  You know how I feel about you.  I lo…”

“Don’t…just don’t.  I don’t
want to hurt you.  I think we’ve hurt each other enough, don’t you?”
Pausing, I raise my brow, hoping that my words sink in.  “Let’s just put
some space between us and then you’ll see.  You’ll meet someone new,
someone who can give you what you need.” 
Wow, I can’t believe I am
saying this to him.  Again!  I hate this, but I’ll be hurting him
more in the long run by not being honest.

“Don’t do this?!” he begs,
grabbing my wrist.  “After everything we’ve been through, you’re just
gonna leave?  What if I hadn’t been there that night…just like I’m trying
to be there for you now, where would you be?  I saved you!”

I’ve tried to forget about that
night and he knows this.  I can’t believe he’s using my sordid past to
make me feel guilty.  “Fuck you, Cole.  How dare you!  I can’t
believe you would throw that in my face.”

Trying to stand, Cole pushes me
back down on the couch, demanding that I let him finish.  But, just as I
look up from his grip, I see his grief stricken face and our eyes lock. 
“You really fucked up this time!”  I pull away and his hand falls to his
side.  Holding back the tears, I walk to the front door, breaking it open
and wait for him to leave.

“Get out of my house, Cole! 
Now!”  Without another word, he leaves with his tail between his
legs.  As soon as I slam the door shut behind him, I lean against it,
broken.  I’m beside myself, unable to grasp the severity of what just
happened.

I’ve just lost my only friend.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Friday couldn’t have come
sooner.  The last couple days I’ve been walking around in a daze, trying to
figure out what went wrong with Cole, and trying to figure out why I haven’t
seen the assiduous Mr. James.  I know eventually Cole and I will be okay,
but something is different this time.  I don’t know if I’ve ever been so
mad at him. 
Oh Cole, what am I going to do with you?
  And
then to deal with Mr. James and his unfathomable choice of words, berating and
flirting at the same time, my mind has already gone numb.

Not wanting to disappoint anyone
at work, I’ve buried myself deep in benefit schedules, enrollment kits, and
each plans rules and regulations.  Maggie said the only way to learn the
products was to dive right in and get dirty.  Well, right about now, I’m
filthy.  My brain hurts deciphering all the plan variations, restrictions
only applying to certain policies, and don’t get me started on all the
different operating systems.

Hopefully no one can see the
steam rising from my ears, especially not Mr. James.  It’s sad to say that
one of the main reasons for being so studious was in hopes to have a chance at
impressing him.