Chopper Unchopped (250 page)

Do not look gunman in the eye.

Do not look physically threatening.

Do not get caught between gunman and money or gunman and the exit.

Compare gunman to an object. They always look bigger when carrying a gun.

Give up your wallet or purse. Money can be replaced. A pancreas can't.

Listen. Gunmen can disguise their looks, but rarely their voices.

Look at the way they walk. That doesn't change.

Don't take it too seriously. It'll be a story to tell your grandchildren.

Immediately remove knuckledusters, knives, iron bars and guns from board-shorts. It is hard to swim when carrying ten kilos of hardware.

Don't beg. Offer money. You already know he can be bought for a price. Many people have come back from the edge of their grave because they kept their wits about them and their wallets open. Don't show him pictures of your kids. Show him pictures of your bank manager.

Never play the gangster. Someone might take you seriously.

Never fight someone whose name ends in a Vic or Ich. Likewise if their family name comes before their given name.

Never fight a man whose nickname is Mad or Chopper.

Never trust a friend. The cemeteries are full of people who did.

Never trust a tradesman.

Never trust a Frenchman.

Never fight a policeman from the Special Operations Group unless you like eating your food through a straw.

Never tease a fool.

Never fight an Eskimo.

Never pick on old men in brown suits. They are probably ex-detectives.

Always give way to women under thirty driving Korean cars. They are the modern kamikazes.

Never get involved in road rage: Men will fight to the death over a scratch to their secondhand Commodores, but do nothing when their wives are raped by bikies. Go figure.

Never eat steamed dim sims. I know the names of at least seven crooks who have ended up in a Chinese mincer.

Never eat a battered saveloy. Ditto.

Never eat anything described as surprise – whether seafood surprise, chicken surprise or anything else. Surprise in restaurant-speak means off.

Never send food back to the kitchen. A chef told me he has a wall of pictures where the steaks have been placed between the cheeks of the apprentice's bottom before being returned to smart-arse dinners.

If you walk into a bar and can't recognise the music, leave immediately.

If the barmaid is beautiful, leave. The drinks will be inflated in direct relation to her bra size.

If the barman looks like a bodybuilder and has tattoos, leave. You have walked into a gay bar.

Never start what you can't finish. Food, fights, books, long-distance swims and, as the Morans found out, underworld wars.

Never buy your wife crotchless panties for Valentine's Day. For some reason, they don't find them romantic.

Never marry your mistress. She already knows you're a cheater.

Never go unarmed to a women's shoe sale.

Never use a power tool in the bath.

Never own a cat.

Never argue about sport. You can't change the result, but you can end up in jail after the punch on.

Know when to retire gracefully. (Too late for you, Alphonse).

Never buy a book that has Judy Moran on the cover.

Never stand between Judy and an all-you-can-eat buffet. You will wake up in hospital.

Never go to a psychiatrist. They are all mad.

Never go to a social worker. They all need help.

Lawyers near money are like puppies near slippers. Neither can help themselves. Leave a lawyer near money and he'll end up with it all. Leave a puppy near slippers and he'll chew them into little pieces. They can't help it. The lesson is to keep the money and the slippers out of harm's way.

A bad story is better than no story.

Never walk into a small back room in a Carlton restaurant with Mick Gatto to pick a fight.

Never plead guilty.

Thank God for juries.

Mark “Chopper” Read is one of Australia’s most controversial public figures. He is an Australian ex-convict, author and celebrity. He is also a recording and performance artist.

Published by Pan Macmillan

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Road to Nowhere