Chopper Unchopped (245 page)

‘IT’S easy to separate the real psychos from the false pretenders. Art imitates life and within the criminal world life can also imitate art. It is a stage full of actors. The separation of fact from fiction is almost impossible. Pretenders and role players walk hand in hand with true-blue psychopaths.

The difference is that the real psychopath lives in a world all of his own, deep in his own mind. The psycho may very well enjoy the company of actors and role players provided that the psychopath can join in on a drama created by the play actors in a theatre funded by drug dollars.

The psychopath only wants to take part for his own comic reasons, no matter if the game is true or false, created by real men of dream merchants. It is of no importance to the psychopath. He doesn’t need to rehearse his lines in the play because he is not acting.’

‘LET’S kill all the lawyers. A wealthy man called his three best friends to his deathbed. They were a doctor, a politician and a lawyer.

He told each man he wanted to take his money with him when he died. He then gave each man a million dollars and made each man swear to toss the money into his grave after the funeral.

Afterwards, the doctor asked the politician, “Did you toss in all the money?”

“Well, not quite,” replied the politician.

“I needed half a million for my re-election campaign and a further $200,000 for the new medical wing that is being named after me but I did toss in $100,000. I’m sure the good lord and the dear departed will understand.”

“Yes,” said the doctor. “Speaking of medical wings, I donated half a million to the research unit being named after me and I’m afraid I bought a new car and new house.”

“So how much did you toss into the grave?” asked the politician. The doctor, looking embarrassed, said, “seventy-five thousand.”

The lawyer, listening in silence, shook his head in disgust.

“Gentlemen, I’m ashamed of both of you. I simply cannot believe what I’m hearing,” said the lawyer.

The doctor and politician both looked at the lawyer and spoke at once.

“How much did you toss in then?” they asked.

The lawyer held his head up and with a note of pride in his voice said, “Needless to say, gentlemen, I tossed in a cheque for the full amount.”

It’s an old joke but it holds true today.

When a lawyer does you a favour, look close, count all your fingers after shaking his hand and kiss your money goodbye.

Oh, and don’t forget to thank him afterwards. I’ve sat in a lot of court rooms and I haven’t met one lawyer who hasn’t tried to talk to me like I’m a mental retard. Criminal lawyers spend most of their time talking to criminals and most criminals are mental retards, therefore the lawyer does develop a superiority complex. It’s an occupational hazard, I suppose.’

‘FORGIVENESS and funerals go hand in hand, and the only time to forgive an enemy is after you have seen him die.’ – Dave the Jew

‘YOU can talk about slamming someone’s knob in a car door, shooting some wombat in the gut, or removing some sucker’s toes with a blowtorch and that is considered the height of good humour, but mention that someone is a bit on the dusky side and you’ll get ten years from the politically correct police.’

‘THERE are some animals in the criminal world who would sell their wife on the streets to buy bullets and teach their kids to steal so Dad can drink the money. Ridding a family of such a man is, to my mind, an act of charity.’

‘I HAD nothing against him personally, but he made his move and lost. In the chess game of life and death, you only get one move.’

‘FREDDY is a thickset, broad-shouldered, barrel-chested man with the physical strength of a small bull – and the courage of a Rice Bubble.’

‘IF the mafia is so tough, why don’t they have a branch office in Belfast?’

‘THE psychiatrist and psychologist are God’s gift to the mentally ill, proving that God does have a sense of humour.’

‘THE children of this nation are dying at a faster rate than the bloody trees. Wake up before it is too late.’

‘REVENGE is a dish best eaten cold, and it has no time limit.’

‘IF you mix a man with a big mouth and a gangster complex who couldn’t punch his way through a lady’s lace hanky, you end up with a coward who is eager to impress.’

‘POPULARITY seems to be the pot of gold many people spend their whole lives searching for.

I have never bothered to try and look for popularity. Being hated, being unpopular, is safer ground. If you seek popularity, you will generally fail, ending up a pathetic figure of scorn and ridicule. You can even destroy yourself in the process. But men who are hated can actually gain a following of loyal admirers, while some who seek popularity end up being disliked and hated. These are people who won’t stand up for what they believe in, but act only to be liked by others. People end up seeing through them.

It is a confusing psychological topic. It is strange because I have received mail from people who reckon I’m great, because I’m the biggest arsehole they have ever heard of. So you figure it out.’

‘THERE are other prison officers here who like to think they are heavy thinkers. One of them loves to sit down with me and have huge psychological debates about the pros and cons of the human mind. He has locked me into some debates, which have left me in dire need of a Panadol and a good lie down.

He likes to climb inside your head and pick, pick, pick at your brain. My method is more likely to creep up behind you and go whack, whack, whack with an ice-pick.’

‘WE are all in search of the Holy Grail, the ultimate truth, the meaning of life. If God came down to earth and we all sat at his feet and asked, “Lord, tell us the answer,” he would say, “Piss off, I’m trying to find where I came from”.’

‘THIS personal stupid, blind courage of honest men outweighs the personal courage of bad men. Why? Because bad men hold very little dear to their heart, whereas the honest man will often risk life and limb fighting with an intruder over a bloody television set or video.’

‘I’VE got enough heavy duty firepower and ammo stored away to hold off a small army for three months. I believe that when Australia is invaded, those who are not prepared will die … but the buggers won’t get me without a fight.’

‘INSTEAD of ranting and raving, rolling about and sooking at the injustice of it all, I simply look at it this way: it is never checkmate until I’m dead; until then, it is just another move on the board. They make their move, I make mine. I don’t take it personally and I hope they don’t either. By getting angry I would lose my edge. Wars are won by men who are willing to fight them for a long time.’

‘I AM a man with a long, long memory. Shallow people and false pretenders don’t have long memories. They will forget, but I won’t. I don’t have to shoot people to punish them. There are more easy ways to kill a cat than by wringing its neck. The cats in question used up their nine lives when they betrayed my trust and friendship, let me tell you.’

(Gatto was charged with murder but was acquitted on the grounds of self defence.)

‘ANDREW lost the plot – so they put him in one.’

‘A GOOD big man will always shoot a good little one.

‘LITTLE Benji was silly to try and pick on a giant like Mick Gatto – of course it was a clear-cut case of self-defence. Thank God for juries.’

‘THEY were only two men there. One said what happened and the other was dead. Who was going to argue it wasn’t self-defence?’

‘MICK was a heavyweight fighter. Veniamin was the size of a jockey. Gatto didn’t need to shoot him. He could have sat on him.’

‘ERIC Bana will go on and on to bigger and better projects. You don’t have to be a fortune teller to predict that, but I’d keep my eye on Vince Colosimo.

Anyway that’s my prediction for what it’s worth. As for Eric Bana, what can I say? I can only repeat the old story about Elvis Presley entering an Elvis look-alike contest and coming third. Bana looked more like me in that movie than I did.

Like I said to a local newspaper, had the role called for Eric to wear a dress, he would have won Best Actress as well. That’s how good an actor he is.’

‘ERIC Bana does a better Chopper than me. I know how Elvis Presley felt when he sneaked out of Graceland to go in an Elvis look-a-like contest … and finished third.’

‘I WANTED Bana to do a sequel, but he said he thought it would damage his career. I wrote to him to remind him that George Lazenby knocked back a second James Bond movie because he didn’t want to be typecast. Good move, that.’

‘I WAS signing some autographs for some Aboriginal kids in the outback and they asked me to use my real name – “Eric Bana”. I thought it was me who spent more than 20 years in jail and had my ears cut off. I must be mistaken.’

‘IT was the Australian film industry’s night of nights. They all got dressed up in their best clothes and just couldn’t wait to be seen – and that was just the cocaine dealers.

The starlets went to the hairdressers, the dress makers and the plastic surgeons. The blokes put on their tuxes and put socks in their undies so they looked like studs.

They all practised their surprised looks in case they won. They rehearsed their speeches so they could say they hadn’t prepared anything to say.

Most of them now have tatts and drug habits yet they never do jail time. Work that out.

For months, I would skip to the letter box hoping for an invitation to the night. I thought I could go as Eric Bana’s date, but they obviously forgot my address. For a while I thought of going and impersonating Eric, like he had done to me. Would they have noticed?

Who knows?

I decided to watch it from home in Tassie. They put on their tailored suits. I put on my Kmart tracksuit. They grazed on sushi. I watched the cattle graze and ate nine steamed dimmies (Hope I didn’t know anyone who went in them). They snorted some crack and coke. I cracked a Bundy and Coke.

Still, it was a good night and I was happy that the crew from
Chopper
did well.

So they bloody should have – they had a great subject to work with.

Eric Bana won Best Actor, Simon Lyndon won Best Supporting Actor and ‘Doctor Strangelove’ Andrew Dominik won Best Director. Michele Bennett did not win Best Producer for the Best Movie. Pity, she deserved it.

They gave the Best Movie to the Barbie doll film Looking for a Bottle of Brandy or some such forgettable stupid name. Who did she ever kill?’

WHEN Eric won the best actor he said in his speech, ‘I’d like to, ah, finally, of course, thank the two greatest casting directors in the world – Greg Apps and, of course, Mark Brandon Read. Thank you so much to the members of the AFI. I love this. Thank you. I can’t cry because Chopper would be most disappointed.’

‘THE movie was big in Japan. The books have been translated into Polish and I am a cult figure in Canada. Only where mindless violence is applauded am I given my full credit. I could be a Tokyo Shock Jock except even I will baulk at eating raw fish.’

‘THE Polish translator wanted to know what this Australian expression “Esky” – did it mean “boat”. I suppose it does as most of our hopes and dreams sail in them. The SS Crown Lager was my favourite before I had to give up the grog due to my rooted liver.’

READ has discovered that he is an artist, and his paintings sell around the world for around $5000.
‘What I am doing isn’t illegal but it is certainly bloody criminal.’

‘I’D do this until the day I die.’

‘I USED to paint myself into a corner, now I’ve painted my way out of one.’

‘THE circus continues.’

‘IT takes me about two hours to do a painting that sells for six grand. If I knew that was the deal, I would have gone straight years ago.’

‘IT is easier to clean up the mess from oil paints than after separating a drug dealer from his toes with bolt-cutters.’

‘I’M a graphic artist. Very fucking graphic’.

READ’S new reputation was sealed in 2003 at his first exhibition at Fitzroy gallery Dante’s. Fans, the voyeuristic and collectors looking for good resale value snapped up all 45 pieces. The State Library of Victoria purchased a Read self-portrait for $1400.

Sydney artist Adam Cullen, now a close friend of Read, inspired the former standover man when he sat for Cullen’s entry in the 2002 Archibald Prize.

‘I saw his stuff on the wall, and I said to him, “How much do you charge for this?” ‘He said “I’ve just sold two to Elton John for $25,000 each.”