Choices (16 page)

His words confuse me. Every time we talk, it feels as if we are saying goodbye. It hurts me. It frightens me.
And I don’t know what he’s offering, but I’ll take it. “Talk to me, Quince.”

“You hurt me
. You say you don’t want to share, but what about me? I don’t want to either.” I roll over so that we are face to face. I expected anger, thought he would fight me on this. Instead, he looks… hurt. My resolve wilts under his stare. “Brody.”

With that one word, he pulls me into his arms. I close my eyes and breathe him in. And lying here in the dark, with only the moon as a witness, I realize that I’ve given my heart to this beautiful man. It scares
me senseless.

I can still hear music through the walls, and I sit up in a panic.
“Oh, no! Jenna!” I feel around the bed, searching for my discarded phone.

Brody chuckles and grasps my hands. “Baby, I talked to Jenna an hour ago. She knows exactly where you are, and she took care of things with Declan, too.” He releases me and stands to turn on some music. “I wouldn’t want anyone hearing my little visitor tonight.” When he turns toward me, I can see his silhouette, framed by the moonlight. It’s not enough to see him
clearly, but I’d know this body anywhere.

I slowly stand and walk to him. He doesn’t move as I begin to undress him. I slide his shirt over his shoulders and off. Then, I tug his t-shirt up over his abdomen. He raises his arms as I pull his
shirt over his head. His scent surrounds us, and it makes me want to taste him. He’s staring into my eyes, and although I can barely see him, I know he’s letting me call the shots. Standing on my tiptoes, I plant a kiss on his collarbone. I lick a path to his neck and down his chest. When my hands find his waistband, I struggle to unbutton his pants. He reaches down to help me, and I giggle.
How am I supposed to seduce him if I can’t even unbutton his pants?
I run my hands along his hips, and down into his pants when I reach his back.

I slide his pants down his legs, and he steps out of them. He looks delicious as he stands in front of me with only his boxers on. Heat starts in my cheeks and spreads across my face.
I look away from his face, but he places a finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Same rules, Quince. You tell me if you want to stop.” His voice washes over me, and I know I couldn’t stop, even if I wanted to.

I run my finger along the waistband of his boxers, and lower my mouth to his chest. I can feel him pressing against me, and I slowly tug his boxers down. They get caught on him, and I know I need to adjust him to pull them down. I’m not sure how to go about this, and when I look up at him, he is smiling broadly. “Let me help you, babe.” He pulls his boxers down and pushes them aside.

When he straightens up, I put my hands on his chest and push him backwards. When the backs of his legs hit the bed, I push him down and say, “Sit. This is for you.”             

Knowing he ca
n’t fully see me, my movements grow bolder. I hesitate only a moment before lowering my dress and stepping out of it. Slowly, I reach up to unclasp my bra. “No. I get to unwrap the rest. Tonight, babe, tonight, you are mine.” He reaches out and pulls me to stand in front of him. He is still sitting on the end of the bed, and his mouth finds my neck. Kissing me gently, he unclasps my bra with one hand.
Of course, he does
. It falls away, and I am exposed. I resist the urge to cover myself, wanting to give him everything.

When his mouth finds my breast, my knees grow weak. He t
eases me, licking and kissing, until my legs can no longer support me. I push him backwards, until he is resting on his elbows, looking up at me. I place one knee on the bed and raise my other leg so that I am straddling him. I can feel him through my panties, and I begin to move on top of him. He falls back, grinding his hips into me. “Shit, baby. You feel so good.” His hands are on my waist, guiding me on top of him. I arch my back and continue to move with him. The rhythm gradually quickens, and tension begins to build inside of me. I cry out and shake as my body is overcome with passion.

“I thought you were beautiful before, but damn, Quince, that was breathtaking.” He quickly shifts and rolls me onto the bed. He stands and reaches for his pants. I hear the foil tear, and I watch as he rolls a condom on. Stepping betw
een my legs, he raises my legs over his arms. His knees are on the bed, and he draws my hips up to him. In one movement, he rips my panties from my body. “I need you too much, baby.” And he plunges into me with no warning. The gentleness is gone, replaced by raw hunger. His fingers dig into my hips as he sets a furious pace, this time not as gentle as the last. His hair is wet and hangs across his brow. I wrap my hands tightly in the sheets and struggle to catch my breath. Unbelievably, I tighten around him, near the brink again. And when he thrusts into me a final time, I fall over the edge with him.

He lies
on top of me, with my legs still wrapped around his waist, until our breathing becomes even. He rolls off me to dispose of the condom. When he turns back to me, I wrap my arms around him, desperate to hold onto this moment. “Stop worrying, Quince.” He nuzzles my neck and whispers, “Night, babe.”

Chapter 3
4

The sun shines into the windows, waking me from the deepest sleep I’ve ever had. I am hot, and something is pinning me to the bed. I smile to myself and try to roll over without waking Brody. It’s my turn to watch him sleep, memorizing his body. Long, dark eyelashes. Chiseled jaw line, a five o’clock shadow just growing in. Perfect, lush lips. And that damn hair. I-just-got-out-of-bed-but-look-like-a-model hair. Broad, muscular chest. Awesome fraternity tattoo. Powerful arms. Hands capable of performing magic. Hot.

While I indulge in this guilty pleasure, my mind wanders to darker places.
The memory of Brody bringing a girl into this room stings.
What would he have done if I hadn’t shown up?
Lying in his bed, on his sheets, I wonder if they are even clean.
How many girls has he had in this bed?
And looking at him, it hurts to know he has touched someone else the way he touches me.
Especially Whitney
.

When my eyes return to his face, he’s smiling down at me. “Like anything you see?”
So freakin’ irresistible.

“I was just thinking that even the devil looks angelic when he’s asleep.”
I want so badly to just enjoy this time, but the doubt is already creeping in.

“The devil?
So, does the devil make you feel like this?” He quickly rolls over and pins me to the bed. His hips press into mine, and my body responds to his touch. He pins my hands over my head, licking his way down my neck. “Tell me, Quince. Do you want me to stop?”

“Brody.”
I barely manage to whisper his name between breaths. Though I’ve had little sleep, and my body is tired, he shows me again what he is capable of.

We are laying close, arms and legs entangled, when I become aware of voices in the hall. My stomach drops when I realize that I have to somehow get out of here and back to the dorm
without being seen. I’m sure Jenna is still here, but that doesn’t explain why I’m here. “Quince, stop it. I’ll take care of it.” He sits up, and I finally get an unobstructed view of his tattoo. From shoulder to shoulder is a tribal pattern. Between his shoulder blades is a three-pronged symbol. The whole thing is very exotic and fascinating.

“Brody, is that another fraternity symbol on your back?” I can’t resist asking, and I lean up to trace the pattern across his shoulder. I have never liked tattoos, but this is
like a piece of art on his body.

“The symbol in the middle is the Celtic sign for fate. I got it a couple years ago, when I was reflecting on how much our lives depend on fate. We deny it; we may even fight it. But no one can avoid fate.”
I am drawn into his explanation, but the irony that his tattoo is three-pronged is not lost on me.

While he
gets dressed, I watch in silence. He turns back to me, “Get dressed, and I’ll be back to get you in a minute.” His eyes linger on me, but I can’t read his face. I know this sneaking feels as wrong to him as it does to me. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders because I know I am the only one who can fix this.

Once I am dressed, I sit on the sofa and look at Brody’s pictures. In every picture, no matte
r what he’s doing, he looks happy. I can tell he has a very close relationship with his family. From the many pictures outdoors, it is obvious he loves nature and adventure. It is sad that I am learning more about him by looking at his pictures than we’ve ever talked about.

I jump when the door opens. Brody smiles as he walks in.
“Guess what? We are alone except Eric and Jenna, and….” He brings his hands out from behind his back. “I brought breakfast.” My mouth waters when I see donuts from a local shop. I think I even lick my lips. Winking, Brody says, “You can thank me later.”

We eat in sile
nce, enjoying the moment. I was worried that things would be awkward this morning. That maybe he would regret last night.
After all
,
I did act like a total psycho stalker girl.

A knock on the door send
s my nerves into a tailspin. Laughing, Brody opens the door for Jenna. “Now that you are in good hands, I have to go meet the guys to work on some Rush week stuff.” He walks over and kisses the top of my head. “Later.”

My mom always told me that once you slept with som
eone, a part of you would forever be with that person. And when Brody leaves, I watch my heart walk out the door.

Chapter 35

Jenna and I ride in silence on the way home. We are both lost in thought, and it doesn’t dawn on me that something might
be wrong until we are walking into our room. “OK, Jenna, what’s going on?”

“Oh, Quince!
Is there something wrong with me?” She wails and flops down on her bed. This is the first time I’ve ever seen Jenna be so dramatic over a boy. If she weren’t so serious, it might be comical.

“Of course not!
I take it your plan didn’t go so well?” I had been sure that Eric would not be able to resist her last night. “What happened?”

She sighs heavily and shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know. We were making
out, and I thought it was great, you know? All of the signs were in my favor. Then, he stopped and said he wanted our first time to be special, not in a fraternity house. He wants to go away some weekend.” All of this worrying when I am pretty sure they are head over heels for each other.

“Jenna! Don’t you think that’s romantic? It’s a sign that he thinks of you as more tha
n a booty call. I think it’s awesome.” It reminds me of Brody taking me to the cabin. And he made it so special. For the rest of my life, I will never forget that night.

“I know, Quince. I do. I’m just not used to waiting.” Her face suddenly brightens, “But I
am going to have fun planning that trip!”
Ah, there’s my girl.
“By the way, I told Declan you weren’t feeling well last night. Eric was pissed because he knew I was lying, but we’ve discussed it. He promises he will stay out of it.”

“Jenna, I don’t want to drag you guys into it, so I’ll do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen again.” The shadow over me is growing, and now, it includes my friends.

“I will do whatever you need me to do. Even if I don’t like it, I’ll do it because I know you’d do it for me. Just don’t keep lying to Declan. If you don’t want a relationship with him, he deserves to know.” Her words, no matter how true, cause me to cringe. I do want Declan in my life. I
need
him.

“I’m working on it. I really am.” I intend to talk to him as soon as I get the chance.
It’s just that my head and my heart aren’t on the same page yet.

We spend the most of the morning studying and watching TV. When I close my book, I realize how hungry I am. I am trying to decide what to do for lunch when my phone vibrates. I smile when I see
Declan’s name.

Declan: Hope you feel better today

Me: I do :)

Declan: Perfect. Lunch?

Me: Sure

Declan: Be there in 15

I jump in the shower and hurry to get dressed. I don’t have time to dry my hair, but at least I don’t look like I just rolled out of bed anymore. When Declan texts to let me know he’s downstairs, I throw on some flip flops and tell Jenna I’ll see her later.

I round the corner, and Declan is sitting on a sofa talking to some girls
gathered around him. He has his own little audience, and I can see why. He has on shorts, a white polo, and flip flops. He is simply adorable. When he looks up and smiles, his dimples appearing, my heart skips a beat.

The girls turn to see where his smile is directed,
and I can’t help but gloat a little. I can only imagine what they see. My hair is wet, and I’m not wearing any make-up. I have on a sundress with flip flops, and I feel beautiful. For some reason, I don’t feel as if I have to do anything special when Declan is around. He seems to like me just the way I am.

Standing, he dismisses the girls and comes to hug me. He leans down to kiss me, and I give him my cheek.
“Hey, Quince. Glad you feel better.” Guilt, like an arrow, pierces my heart.

“Yeah, me, too.
So, where are we going?” Taking my hand, he leads me out into the sun. The weather is perfect, and it feels good to just relax and enjoy the moment.

“I thought we could walk to the little bistro down by the park if you want to.” That sounds heavenly. Lately, I feel as if I’m in class, at work, or studying most of the daylight hours.

“I know we haven’t had a chance to talk much lately, but I’ve been meaning to ask you how things are going with your sister. Did you all make up?” It feels so good to have someone besides Jenna who I can talk to. He always seems to be genuinely interested and concerned.

“I don’t want to ruin our day, but let me just say that things will never be great with us. I haven’t talked to her since she showed up here that day. When she gets around to it, she’ll call me.” I try to keep the pain out of my voice, but I really do miss hearing from her. Declan squeezes my hand and allows me to change the conversation.

We reach the bistro and order our food. Carrying it outside, we sit at a table facing campus. At times like these, I still can’t believe I am here, that I finally left home. Watching other students walk by, I try to guess where they are from or what, if anything, inspires them.
Are they, like me, running from something?

With Declan, there is never a lull in conversation. We talk as if we’ve known each other our whole lives, and I am so thankful I met him. Long after we finish eating, we sit and talk.

“I know your dad is a minister. Is that what led you to be the chaplain?” Of all the things I know about him, this is the one that intrigues me most.

“Yeah.
It was part of it, but I’ve just always been good at listening to people. I like to offer support and help when I can.” I have seen how his brothers treat him. He is very well liked and respected, and I find it all very admirable.

“So, I’ve seen you drink.
Do you ever feel as if you are under scrutiny or that you shouldn’t do certain things?” I have two reasons for asking this question. First, I want to know if he feels censored like I did back home in Collier. And second, I’d just like to see where he stands with his faith.

Smiling
, he lowers his eyes to my lips, and asks, “Are you asking me how I feel about drinking?” Slowly, he raises his eyes to meet mine, “Or are you asking something else?”

The sudden change in conversation surprises me. “You tell me.” I’m flirting, and I know it’s a fine line I’m walking.

“If you’re asking about my drinking habits, then yes, I do drink. I try not to get wasted, and I am the designated driver more often than not. What else would you like to know?” He’s going to make me ask, and even though I know it’s not a good idea, I do it anyway.

“Well, what about girls? Do you date much or…” Heat creeps up my neck and into my cheeks, and I can’t bring myself to finish the question.

“Why, Quincy, are you asking me if I’m saving myself for marriage?” He is only teasing me, but I get more flustered when he smiles at me.

“Maybe.”
I cannot believe we are having this conversation.

“It’
s hard to explain. I’m not a virgin, if that’s what you’re asking. I have had sex with girls, but I have matured a lot since then. I try not to go there unless things are serious, you know, unless I have feelings for the other person.” His answer is so honest, so simple that it makes me question myself. “What about you?”

And there it is. You should never ask a question you aren’t prepared to answer yourself. I look down at my hands on the table, and I am sure guilt is clearly written on my forehead.  “Well, I don’t think you should give a piece of yourself to someone you don’t care about.”
Or someone who doesn’t care about you.
My mind strays, reflecting on the last few weeks.

When I realize it’s been silent way too long, I look up to
find him staring at me. “What?” I ask while playing with my hair.

“You k
now what I like most about you, Quincy?” I shake my head. “Your innocence. You are beautiful, but you have no idea. Wherever you go, people are enchanted by you, and you don’t even see it. Your eyes tell me a story about a beautiful girl who just wants to be free. I just wish that you could see yourself like everybody else does.”  Wow. That was beautiful. And I feel like such a fraud.

Standing, he reaches for my hand. We walk back to Baxter in silence, both of us lost in our thoughts. When we reach my steps, he pulls me to him for a hug. “Quincy, I don’t want to pressure you, but I need to know if this is going anywhere.
If I have a chance. I know there is someone else, and I just want to know if that’s something I should be worried about.”

I am not ready for this
.
I take a step back from him. “Declan, you are everything I could ever ask for. You make me feel special, and when I am with you, I believe the world is a better place. I can talk to you about anything, and I feel like you really know me.” Tears fill my eyes. I am afraid I will lose him.

“But?”
He sees it coming, and I almost back down.
Almost.

“
I’m just not ready to commit. I don’t know where things stand with this other guy, and it’s not fair to leave you hanging. But I don’t want to lose you.” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand as I struggle to hold myself together.

“Quincy, I just don’t get it
.” He reaches out and takes my hands in his. “I know how good we could be together. What are you so afraid of? There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than right here with you. I promise I’m not going anywhere.” Pulling me to him, he leans down to kiss me. His lips touch mine. Gentle. Soft. Reassuring. And so, so safe.

He releas
es me and turns to walk away. Pressing my fingertips to my lips, a sob breaks free. I know I did the right thing, but I still haven’t been totally honest with him. I know that if he ever finds out the truth, I’m going to make him have to break his promise.