Choices (25 page)

Paul
called a few hours later to tell me he was at the Ramada down by the airport and that he only called so the kids knew where he was. He said he came home to surprise me but wasn’t it funny he was the one who got the surprise. He came to see me the next day.

The day was exquisite really. The kind of day that made you believe in guardian angels and their protective spirit or was I really just hoping for such. The knock on the door caused my stomach to drop to my ankles. My mouth was dry and my lips were actually sticking to my teeth. How on earth was I going to have this conversation?
Lord, please give me the strength to say what I need to say. This is just going to be awful, isn’t it? Well, when you play with fire…

“Laurel, I don’t understand. Please, help me to understand.”

“I’m not sure I understand it myself, Paul.” I sighed as I stood to the side and let him enter the ho
use we bought together as a young couple so happy and in love. He looked so young and vulnerable. My heart was breaking for him. Paul didn’t get upset too easily. I don’t think I ever saw him cry.

“Haven’t I given you everything you wanted?”
He was trying hard to control himself. He’s a proud man, like most. He certainly didn’t want to cry.

“Yes and no.”
I shrugged, crying myself now too but not sure for what reasons-loss or guilt or maybe both.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He demanded and his eyebrows shot upward toward his forehead.

“It means yes at one time you did and now you don’t
.” I shrugged again.

“C’mon, Laurel,
I’m not in the mood for games, don’t be coy now.”  He demanded again.

“I’m not playing games, Paul. I loved you with everything I had. But, I was always alone even in the beginning.
Paul you are an alcoholic. You love your drink more than your family. You were always running, running away from your demons. The bigger the position at work, the more travel. The more travel, then less time to deal with demons, less time to deal with your pain, equaled avoidance. But they always caught up to you Paul. I was your personal whipping girl. I’m exhausted! I’ve been loyal long enough. I’ve put up with your emotional abuse for more years than I can count. I was constantly dragging you along for the ride you never really wanted to ride. You were always fretting about being the best at everything when all I ever wanted, all your children ever wanted was you, just you in whatever form we could get you.” I was steaming now, pacing, and wringing my hands, trying to keep them occupied because I didn’t trust myself.

“Oh, c’mon Laurel, that’s bull
shit! I told you a long, long time ago I’m not an alcoholic and knock it off with this existential shit!” His eyes were intense, just like that day a long time ago when I discovered I was pregnant.

“Bullshit?
” I was enraged now and up and on my feet. “Lie to me Paul, that’s one thing. Lie to yourself…well; you’ve been doing that for years.”

“Everything, everything I did, I did for you, for us, for the kids.”
He was pacing now, wiping the sweat off his forehead, furrowing his brows together, and trying to concentrate on his words.

“Oh, that’s rich! I never wanted all this fancy stuff. I just always
wanted you, happy and whole and satisfied with yourself. I wanted you to play the game with me, not leave me and expect me to hold everything together. I missed you, I missed a husband. The kids missed their dad. You wanted only to lose yourself in your drink. Alcohol was the only comfort for you, not me or your kids. You couldn’t open yourself up and give of yourself. You always had to keep everyone and everything at a distance. It was too much for you, all the love and emotions and feelings. You were overwhelmed by it all and just wanted everything to be dull and calm so you could handle life. Well, life just wasn’t working for me like that anymore. I need more and I’m not going to allow myself to feel guilty about wanting more than what you could give me. I loved you, Paul. I was always willing to help. I wanted to support you and love you and let you know that I would be your protector, I would be your avenging angel and you know what you did to me that day?” He was speechless and couldn’t even look at me but he knew; in the depths of his black, lonely tortured soul he knew.

“You threatened me and at the very beginning of our marriage you were already killing it, killing us.
” I sighed and surged forward. It was all coming out now, years of pent up rage and hurt, flowing free and murky and dirty like the Schuylkill River.

“
You and I will always be tied due to the children and I’m forever grateful for that but, I want more. I want something I don’t think you are capable of giving until you fix yourself. But the problem is I waited almost twenty years for you to do that and I won’t wait any more. Time’s run out. You’ve passed go too many times and collected too much Laurel love for me to give you any more. I’m surprised you even let me in for a little while at least. I know this has to hurt. It hurts just to say it. I’m exhausted and I can’t pretend anymore. I don’t want to. I want you out of the house, out of my life.” There I said it. It was done. My heart took flight. My fear of abandonment was shattered, just like a mirror, hopefully without the seven years bad luck. He wasn’t going to hold me as an emotional hostage anymore! I knew Brandon would have been so proud of me. But more importantly I was proud of me!

“Well, I’m sorry life was so hard for you. I didn’t realize being married to me was such a struggle on your part.” Paul was really angry now, his face was red and his words were coming in rapid fire succession.

“Don’t make this any harder than it has to be Paul. I’m not the bad guy and neither are you. I’m just so unhappy and spent. I can’t be in this marriage alone anymore and like I said before I don’t think you are capable of giving me or yourself for that matter what either one of us needs. I don’t think you know how to give it and I’m not sure that’s entirely your fault. I’m not blaming, I’m explaining and being honest. I always thought that I would love us enough for the both of us and I realized that I want and deserve more. I can’t live this way anymore. It’s actually not fair to you or me. I’ve learned a lot this summer.” He snorted and flopped in the closest available chaise lounge.

We were quiet
for a few minutes, which really seemed like hours. The time seemed to slide by at a snail’s pace. It was so quiet I could hear my heart beating in my ears, the grass blowing in the late summer’s twilight breeze and possibly the sun setting in the distance. I wondered how such a magical, wondrous summer could turn into something so brutally painful and life altering. Life was all about balance. What the hell just happened? My brain was having difficulty processing this whole situation. It was hard to breathe and I could only imagine how difficult it was to breathe for Brandon, Paul and Vanessa. Where were we all going to end up? How was I going to put everyone back together again? Will Brandon and Paul and Vanessa ever forgive me? Will I forgive myself? All these thoughts jumbled and tangled in my mind. I tried to make sense of it. I wasn’t having much luck. I could only imagine the pain Paul was experiencing. I wanted to reach out, to tell him he wasn’t a bad person, but somehow my feet were rooted to the ground like I had my own personal set of concrete boots. The painful words were out in the open, now exposed with no masks of suburban delirium to hide behind anymore.  They weighed on my shoulders like a wet, woolen blanket, suffocating and uncomfortable.

His shoulders sagged and he held his
head in his hands. He straightened himself and quickly closed the distance between us, catching me by surprise, and held me in his arms one last time.

“I love you, Laurel. I’m sorry I hurt you. You’re right about a few things but then again, you were always right. I just never wanted to admit it. You always were a straight shooter, that’s what I love about you. I’d appreciate some of that honesty now, if you don’t mind?”

“Of course not.” I extricated myself from his embrace and sat down in the patio chair.

“Was there anyone other than Brandon? Has this been going on for awhile?”

“
Jesus Christ! No, Paul. There was never anyone else; just him, just Brandon.” I was torn between feeling really angry that he was trying to make me out to be a whore and feeling sorry for his feelings of betrayal. I swallowed the indignation like I always do with Paul.

“Were you pregnant
or are you pregnant now?” He swallowed hard, so hard I could feel the lump in my own throat.

I swallowed and cradled myself in my own arms now, bit back the tears and looked up at the sky wondering if my guardian angels were watching out for me because I could really use their help now.
I wasn’t sure how to answer this question.

“No, Paul, I’m not pregnant.”
I nodded and couldn’t look at him.

“But were you?”
He asked ferociously and I lifted my head to see his eyes clouding, his brow furrowed as he moved off the chaise lounge toward me.

“Yes.” I tried to swallow the lump down again but this time it wasn’t working. The tears stung at my eyes and rolled freely down my fac
e this time. I wiped them away furiously however, I couldn’t keep up. His concentrated gaze scared me, sent me back in time to revisit an old memory I had buried long ago and I backed myself up to the railing of the deck.

“God, Laurel, I don’t know wh
at to say. I’m sorry. I’m sorry being married to me was such a chore. You really were nothing but a selfish bitch anyway. I’m surprised that there weren’t more men now that I think about it. Oh, and don’t go feeling sorry for me because you think I’m an alcoholic, because I feel sorry for you!” He was infuriated now, shouting at me and shaking my shoulders.

“Stop it Paul! Get out!” I shoved back this time.

“Oh, don’t worry I’ll get out, no problem, you unfaithful bitch but know one thing. I feel sorry for you! You’re the one who is delirious. You’re the one who needs help and don’t for one second think you’re going to keep my kids away from me! Not one SINGLE. SOLITARY. SECOND!” He spat the words in my face.

With that he went upstairs to our bedroom for about fifteen minutes and then traveled down the steps. I could hear the familiar footfalls and realized that I would never hear them
again in this house - the house that we built together. I cried harder still. Once again, I raised my head and my tear filled eyes to the sky…searching….searching...for what I really didn’t know.

It had been an extremely difficult day. One I thought I would never get through but I survived. One day down only a million more to go. I just put everyone to bed. I roamed the house and thought about what I was going to do next and started to make some plans when I stopped myself and realized that is such a joke. I gave up and tried to watch some TV - useless. I was feeling overwhelmed, sad, restless and unsure of what the future held for me. What a dangerous cocktail. Really, all I wanted to do was call Brandon and run straight into his protective arms. He would have an answer for me. He would help me figure a way out of this mess with his clear, determined, optimistic way of thinking that I’ve come to love and depend on. But I know I can’t. I made my promise.  A promise to protect the truth; a truth based on deceit, lies and betrayal.  What was the cost of this protection - my happiness? No, I can’t think like that. It’s not about me; it’s about the man who reminded me that I’m entitled to be loved as well; that I’m permitted to receive as well as give. Maybe, hopefully, one day he will forgive me. I just hope and pray I can talk to him before he leaves for New York. Honestly, I shouldn’t even set my sights on something so unattainable. Really, this is the best way like ripping a bandage off a wound - quickly without hesitation of forethought to muddle and confuse the situation- a quick and clean break no matter how painful. It’s for the best…it’s for the best.

How was I going to get through this? I destroyed three lives. No, not really.
I honestly didn’t start this convoluted mess. I, too, am a victim of sorts - a victim of circumstance and association. A victim of betrayal and lies forced to keep a horrible secret. But, I did what I had to do. Oh, I know it’s trite, corny but I did it for love. I love Brandon in an all encompassing consuming way that probably is unhealthy but pure, oh so pure and true like no other. I hope that the choices I made will protect the man that I love. I pray that one day he will understand that. I just need to fill my days with something until that day of understanding presents itself and yet, it may never. Can I live with that? I don’t have a choice now, because I made my choice - protection over my own selfish needs and desires - well some of them at least.

I
lay quietly in bed that night, gently rubbing my sore bloated tummy, trying to ease the cramps. I desperately sought sleep that night but to no avail. I got out of bed to stretch my legs and back to see if that would ease the cramps. I sat in my favorite reading chair and thought about the choices I made and if they were the right ones and who I was trying to please, myself or others. You know, the best sleeping remedy is peace of mind and peace of mind comes when you are comfortable with the choices that you make in life. In the end you have to make the choices that satisfy you and give you peace of mind and no one else.
Am I satisfied? Yes, I know I did the right thing. But am I
happy?
Well, only time will answer that question.