Chocolate and Cuckoo Clocks (24 page)

MANURE

Now is the time of year when you will want to think about top-dressing your rose-beds, and why not? There's no harm in thinking. Many people, it seems to me, worry far too much about finding true horse manure, when the commercial preparations available are just as good, bearing in mind that by the time you get them off the shovel, the roses have already begun to succumb to rust, leaf-mould, white-spot, black-spot, and greenfly. There is little point, surely, in chasing up and down the country with a spade and bucket merely in order to give a few dead twigs a nice send-off.

SEEDS

Children, I find, are always amazed that everything in the garden was once a little seed; particularly so when the packet of Sweet William they have nurtured so painstakingly is soon burgeoning as an assortment of diseased hollyhocks, misshapen sunflowers, chickweed, and an evil-smelling ground-cover that spreads like lava and is almost certainly carnivorous.

In the garden, seeds fall into two categories (a) the cracks in the path, and (b) where starlings have breakfast. To avoid wastage, therefore, grow all seeds in a greenhouse where, if it is properly heated, they will die before they can do any damage.

WATER

No garden can possibly flourish without adequate supplies of water. Now is the time of year to cut off the split ends of hoses so that they fit snugly onto the tap, or would if the jubilee clip hadn't rusted solid during the winter with the drip that was coming out of the tap before the pipe burst during the cold snap. Having replaced the upstand pipe, tap, and jubilee clip, bandage the fingers and secure the neatly cut hose; which, as a result of having been neatly cut, will now be some nine inches too short to reach the one bed which requires permanent watering. Never mind, any nurseryman or ironmonger's will be able to supply you with an extra length of hose and a connecting-link with which you can easily fail to connect the new bit with the old, since the old is too thick to go into the end of the connecting-link. The best course is to buy an entirely new hose of the required length; there is no other method of finding out that the tap you have just soldered onto the upstand pipe (since you had no means to hand of threading the pipe to take a nut) is itself .05 of a millimetre wider than the hose.

While you're at the nursery/ironmonger's, be sure to buy a sprinkler: there are two main varieties, the one that fails to spin round, and the one that fails to sweep from left to right and back again. Personally, I prefer the latter: at least you get half the garden sodden and know which side the shrubs are going to rot. The other variety sets up little oases at random, and it is all too easy, when strolling across a recently watered stretch, to find oneself sinking up to the shin in a tiny local quicksand.

GARDENING ADVICE ARTICLES

Now is the time of year to stop writing gardening advice articles and move into a tower block.

Appendix
The Bulletins of Idi Amin

32
All O' De People, All De Time

‘General Amin is to sell off the two thousand motor
cars left behind by exiled Ugandan Asians.'

Daily Telegraph

G
ood morning, I see you is lookin' at de famous Humber Super Snipe 1959 what only done 2,000 miles, all that on gravel drive by dis ole lady what is using it fo' going down to de gate to git de milk, a bargain at fifteen hunnerd poun', also you helpin' de economy no end. What you lookin' at there, boy?

It lookin' like de treacherous rust to me.

Yeah, well you is an ignorant bugger, you go on like dat you is li'ble to wine up wid a spanner in de head, de price jus' went up to eighteen hunnerd an' fifty. What you got to say to that, boy?

Dis brown coachwork is damn elegant. What de fuel consummertion
like?

Gittin' aroun' two hunnerd mile per gallon, cheapest fuel. Dis car designed to run on anything. Conk out in de middle of nowhere, jus' piss in de tank, you is good for another fifty mile. Also note de fine upholstery.

Hum. It all depending whether you a fan of de plastic. Pussonally,
I find it stick to de bum, but . . .

Look, it my normal opinion de customer is always right, but that don't mean I ain't gonna git a coupla colonels down here to walk about on your face if you give me any more of this kinda lip. You is looking at genuine pigskin there, boy. It bin treated to look like plastic on account of dis car bin built for gennelmen who ain't in the habit of bein' flash and goin' on about de three-piece suite. Dis also account for de lack of windows, what gets specially knocked out at de factory. Look at cheap cars, fust thing you notice is they all got windows.

Ain't no carpet on de floors.

Yeah, well you prob'ly noticing where there ain't no dining table neither, with lace cloff and wine bucket. This is on account of you ain't lookin' at a whorehouse parlour, son; it got a wheel on each corner, and we calls it a car. Take no notice of de price-tag, we knockin' dis one out at two grand, special offer, including free dog.

Can I have a run roun' de block?

Sure you can, it a free country, boy, you run where you likes, I ain't promisin' de car gonna be here when you gits back, this here automobile is a hot bargain at twennyfive hunnerd, no cheques.

Hum. What kind of guarantee you givin'?

Normal guarantee. Anything you find you don't like about dis top-class car, jus' give us a ring and we'll come roun' and kick your teef in. Where de money?

Hold on here, I don't have to buy it.

True, son, true. Don't have to spend de nex' ten years gittin' about on crutches, neither. Remember, you is doin' dis for de good of your country.

You sure about that?

Lissen, boy, would I lie to you?

33
A Word F'om De Sponsor

Y
ou prob'ly seen de well-known David Frost on
De
Amin Programme
de other night, just show you de strides Uganda makin' under de new management, never got no David Frost comin' out here for
De Milton Obote Show
.

Pussonally, I got a lot of time for D. Frost, also for anybody what gittin' to de top, irrespectable of de talent an' de qualifications, no use havin' de four O-levels includin' Eng. Lit. if you ain't got de drive to go wid it, all very well bein' able to explain in your own words wot Macduff sayin' to Banquo in Act V, also how many times anyone usin' a oxymoron, but it ain't much help when de Opposition want to know wot you bin doin' wid de Oxfam money. Only thing you need then is a big stick wid a nail in de end, an' bugger de plot of de well-known
Sense an' Prejudice
, dat James Austin spendin' too much time hangin' about wid ole women to know wot life all about.

Anyhow, after de consid'able success of my tee vee show, I bin plannin' de summer schedules, an' I reckon we got a pretty good season lined up. Kickin' off mose evenin's wid
It A
Knockout
, where we got two teams of Asians competing for de famous one-way economy ticket, got to shin up a greasy pole wid their families, winner gittin' de ticket an' a chance to go on de Treasure Trail for de val'able bus-ride to Kampala Airport. Dat shapin' up as a chart-topper, look like beatin' public executionin' in de ratings. Close second we got
Dis Your Life
, where people comin' on an' sayin' how they bin at school wid me and I a fust-rate board monitor and a natural leader, also all my own teef, and then we got de
News
wot gonna be all about de boomin' economy and de footer results and how Nyerere keepin' pigs in de bath. Also runnin'
Git Out
, dat de programme for de foreign residents, explainin' in their own language about where to leave de stamp colleckertions an' de gole fillins etcetera and where to stand for de next bus. Big one for Sat'day nights is
Sale Of De Century
, got to shift these damn cars somehow, got de rust showin' now, an' de upper-holstery full o' rats, followed by
De Source Of De Nile
where you get me tracin' de history of Africa in song, doin' such famous nummers as
Swanee, Sonny Boy
, an' de ever-pop'lar
Shine
On Harvest Moon
immortalised by T.S. Elliot and his Quartet.

Also got an entire new line in de Late Night chat show. Amazin' how people in England an' America bin puttin' up wid de crap all these years, nothin' goin' on but three people gettin' asked questions under de spotlight, an' if they don't feel like answerin' they goin' ‘Har, har, har!' or similar an' Morris Parkinson sayin' ‘Okay, now we gittin' a song from Lord Wigg's latest LP', an' that way people slidin' out from de awkward questions all de time. Ain't gonna be dat way in Uganda. People comin' on my Late Night show, I gonna say ‘Right, Mbibi, what happenin' to de Annual Outin' Fund?' and if Mbibi start goin' ‘Har, har, har!' he gonna git a kick in de mouf, jus' for openers. If dat ain't workin', he gonna be hangin' by his thumbs for de rest of de programme, an' if dat ain't de best way to git de rest of de guests shapin' up, I don't know what is.

De worl still got a hell of a lot to learn about tee vee, if you asks me.

34
De Whitehall Snub

I
t happenin' again dis week, world. Gittin' another snub on top o' de infamous occasion o' de Gowon visit, dis time it de matter o' Sir Alec Douglas-Home's birfday party at Number Ten. You no doubt bin readin' where Edward Heath layin' on de top-class binge on account o' de Foreign Seckertery reachin' seventy an' still in one piece. Heath openin' up de back room, I unnerstand, also gittin' in de draught Worthington an' layin' on them sticks wid bits o' pineapple an' Cracker Barrel on 'em, not to mention har' boil eggs where they minces de yolks up wid onions prior to stuffin' 'em back in de whites, no expense spared. Also openin' a nummer o' tins wid anchovies in, altho' it beatin' me why people goin' for marinated worms.

Whole lotta nob guests turnin' up, also; lotta peers an' women where you look down de front of de little Paris number, you can see de knees. No doubt he gonna have de Andre Previn Banjo Band an' his wife Mia Sparrow, de well-known warden of All Souls, plus other famous stars o' de dipperlomatic circuit, all gonna be doin' de ole knees-up an' puttin' de Boofs Dry Gin away wid both hands until four in de mornin', Sir Anthony Barber bangin' on de wall an' shoutin' ‘Stop dat bleedin' row, some people tryin' to git a bit o' sleep!'

Only thing they ain't got is me. Bin sittin' by de door, jus' like last week, waitin' for one o' dem cards wid Winnie de Pooh on an' Piggerlet where you open it an' it say
We're
havin' a party an' we'd like you to come please
, lotta pitchers o' balloons an' funny hats an' stuff an' all de animals clearly havin' a damn fine time. Nothin' comin', though.

I wun't mind, only I already bought de present. It a typical piece o' de native folk art wot bin made up special by de local craftsmen, a combined paperweight an' table-lamp, lookin' jolly good on de ole Whitehall desk. Also, it a singularly appropriate present fo' a Foreign Seckertary, on account of it bin made out o' my last one.

The truth is, Sir Alec too damn busy wid worl' affairs to git de guest-list right: pussonally, it gittin' on my wick where he sendin' Sir Dennis Greenhill plus two other top Foreign Office torpedoes down to Salisbury fo' de well-pubberlicised secret talks wid Ian Smith. It beatin' me where de FO prepared to go pissin' roun' de worl' on ten minutes notice every time Rhodesia feel like havin' a secret talk wid someone flash. Why de hell ain't no-one tryin' to woo
me
back? Why de hell ain't I havin' a bit o' de secret talkin' prior to de unfreezin' o' Uganda funds in London, includin' forty-eight-poun'-seven-an'-six I got comin' from de British Home Stores Chrissermas club, plus interest? Why de hell ain't no-one lookin' fo' a honourable settlement wid
me
?

I prepared to be as honourable as de nex' man provided de settlement comin' in used notes, pref 'bly oncers, an' anyone can come to my birfday party anytime they likes. I'd like a cowboy suit, if you wonderin'.

35
A Star Gittin' Born

I
damn glad to see where de Fleet Street hacks pickin' up de worl' scoop I givin' 'em considerin' de Uganda Fillum Industry! De fust thing you got to git when you cobblin' a fillum epic together is de pubberlicity, doan matter a pig's burp if you ain't got de script or de loot or de chrome Brownie wid de zoon lens provided de leadin' lady havin' it away wid de leadin' man an' Nyerere de Wonder Dog stickin' de paw in de wet concrete an' sim'lar.

Jus' fo' de record, Amin Studios doin' a bit o' de fishin' aroun' at present, ain't too certain what we gonna kick off wid: when you got de entire cinematic worl' at de feet, de only difficulty is choosin'. Pussonally, I goin' fo' de giant spectackerler, wid all de colossal an' stupendous trimmin's, I gonna be de noo Cecil Hur an' Dr. W.G. Griffiths rolled into one, wid a touch o' de famous Alfred Ballcock suspenders. De plot I got in mind fo' de fust production startin' off wid de American Civil War in which I takin' de part o' Rat de Butler, walkin' about wid de ten-gallon hat an' de smile playin' about de lips an' droppin' a nummer o' de minor characters wid de Colt .45. After that, we goin' into de famous chariot race bit, where I drivin' a worl'-famous team includin' such pop'lar favourites as Mickey de Mouse, Goofy, Yogi Duck an' de Andrews Sisters; soon as I winnin' de race, we switchin' to de Souf Pole where I waitin' wid de hot Bovril for Captain Scott, played by de famous brudder-in-law Ngaga Mbibi.

Soon after that, it time fo' de comedy, I comin' on wid de baggy pants an' eatin' a shoe, which takin' de plot natcherly into de sequence where I suddenly fallin' down in de High Street at de top o' de cello-playin' career on account of I got de Unknown Wastin' Disease wot bafflin' wart specialists de worl' over, an' not only havin' to pack up sawin' de ole cat's innards but also takin' to de bed an' finally snuffin' it wid a lot o' de big-name stars weepin' all over de quilt an' de full treatment f 'om de Entebbe Pubberlic Hygiene Department Tin Band whackin' out de
Dead March F'om
Saul
.