Cheryl: My Story (33 page)

All of the Peas came to my dressing room on their way to the stage to say congratulations. I was blown away, completely. It was like a dream.

That first night set the tone for the whole tour. I loved every minute of it. At the O2 Will came on to duet with me for ‘3 Words’, which totally took me by surprise. He’d said that he wanted to do it but I’d told him he was crazy; it would spoil his big entrance with the Peas. When he appeared I was buzzing though, and the crowd went wild. After that I never knew if he was going to pop up or not. The band and the dancers had to be on standby to adjust things slightly if Will was there, and sometimes he was and sometimes he wasn’t. It all added to the excitement on stage.

Every night I’d watch the Peas perform after I came off stage, get drunk and go to bed. I didn’t want to think about the divorce and so I made sure I didn’t have time to let myself get too sad. It didn’t matter where we were – London, Zurich, Milan, Berlin, Prague, Antwerp, Paris – I did the same thing every night for the whole month I was on the tour, and it was great.

One evening I walked into my bedroom and
Sky News
was on. Chelsea had won the Premiership and the FA Cup, and all of a sudden there was Ashley, celebrating on the pitch. Other players’ wives were there. I should have been there too; that’s what I immediately thought. I could barely breathe. It was a massive event in Ashley’s life. Chelsea had won the Double; it was such a momentous occasion, but I wasn’t a part of his life any more. The next minute I saw Ashley’s mam and his brother and his nephew on the pitch congratulating him, and I suddenly felt like I’d lost a whole family as well as my husband. I was separated from them all. What hurt the most was that when I looked at Ashley’s face I just knew he would be thinking the same as me; that I should have been there too.

Will’s support helped me no end. He would text me out of the blue saying things like: ‘You’re amazing!’ or ‘Your strength makes me proud!’ He could sense when I was having a bad day, and I’d tell him if I felt particularly sad. Will is one of those people who doesn’t just say, ‘Are you OK?’ without really meaning it. He would look me in the eye and ask me very directly. ‘You
OK
?’ He never interfered and he never said anything about Ashley unless I mentioned him first, which I appreciated. He isn’t one of those people who would say, ‘Your husband’s a douche bag.’ Will isn’t like that at all. He’s very open-minded and looks at the big picture, rather than pointing the finger and being judgemental.

‘It’s one of those things that happens in life,’ he said to me more than once when I told him how sad I felt or mentioned the divorce.

Each day, I’d receive another gift from Will to put a smile on my face. One day he even sent me some goldfish, which really made me laugh. There was a black one and a gold one – me and him! Only Will could do that. When Derek came over to dance with me on ‘Parachute’ he gave me another escape, because he was as fun and upbeat and inspiring as ever. I felt surrounded by people who encouraged me, believed in me as a person and as a performer, and wanted me to succeed, and that was so liberating. It was the same when I did a private gig at the Cannes Festival in the middle of the tour. Everyone was charming and incredibly complimentary. It was like being on another planet compared to being back home, where I was constantly hounded by paps and scrutinised by journalists who seemed to actually enjoy pulling me to pieces and dragging me down.

I confided in Derek much more than I did in Will, because Derek had been there with me in LA when everything had started caving in. I would never have got him involved in my marriage crisis deliberately, but he had happened to be there and now he was actually one of the few people I was really talking to, honestly, about how I felt.

‘I’m scared of going back home and being hounded by the press,’ I told him. ‘I’m not sure I can handle it all over again.’

Derek would listen and reassure me, and then he usually tried to move the conversation on to more positive things. We got talking about animals one day, because he knew how much I loved my dogs and he’s an animal lover too, and out of nowhere he said, ‘You know what, I’d love to go on a safari. Wouldn’t it be
amazing
to see a lion face to face?’

Derek’s eyes were shining at the thought of it.

‘Let’s do it,’ I said.

‘Are you
serious
?’

‘Yes. Why not?’

I think I surprised myself a bit, but I really wanted to do it. If
anyone
I really cared about had been so enthusiastic and passionate about something like that I’d have tried to make it happen for them. Normally I wasn’t this spontaneous, but my whole world had been turned upside down, and it felt like all the rules had changed. I had no husband, no responsibilities, so why shouldn’t I go on safari with Derek if I wanted to?

We booked a trip to Tanzania for when I would have four days off during the
X Factor
auditions in June. ‘One last series,’ I’d said to Simon. I wasn’t doing anything with Girls Aloud that year, and I wanted to be busy, busy, busy.

I was dreading the end of the tour because I was enjoying myself so much, and after my last performance I actually broke down and cried. It felt like I had only been on tour for five minutes and suddenly it was all over. It’s common to get ‘tour blues’ because it’s always a bit of an anti-climax when the last show is over, but this was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. It was like crashing down from a huge high, and before the
X Factor
and the safari, I knew I had to go home and deal with the divorce, which made it even worse.

The divorce papers had been lodged at the High Court on 25 May, while I was still with the Peas. Ashley was in Austria, preparing for the World Cup, and the
X Factor
auditions were starting on 9 June in Glasgow. That meant we were both in the spotlight because of work
and
because of the divorce, and the media attention was intense. There was a lot of speculation about my friendship with Will at this time too, because we were so close on the tour. The press didn’t believe I could possibly have a friendship with a person with different body parts to me, but any sexual relationship was all in the mind of the media and it sickened me that they were scrutinising us like that.

I think one of the reasons Will and I had become such good friends was because of our backgrounds, as he’s from the street and had lost friends to prison and drugs like me. We had an understanding of each other and a common bond, but most of all we just like each other a lot and enjoy each other’s company – it’s that simple.

Back in London I was chased by the paparazzi everywhere, and I mean everywhere. One day I went for a sexual health check, which was traumatic enough without having a pack of men pointing cameras at me and following me to the clinic. I had to face the fact that Ashley’s infidelity had been putting me at risk for a long time, and I had to put my mind at rest. ‘This is so cruel on so many levels,’ I thought as I gritted my teeth and pushed my way through the paps. ‘I don’t deserve this.’ I was given the all clear, but my emotional health was still in so much danger, having to deal with crap like that.

Another day I went to a meeting with the divorce lawyers and was literally chased down the street by 25 paps who were all calling my name and asking, ‘How’s Ashley? How do you feel, Cheryl?’

I sobbed so much when I arrived at the office that the lawyer asked me, ‘Are you sure you want to go through with this?’

I was in such a state I really wasn’t sure, even at that stage. I wished someone I trusted would tell me I was doing the right thing, but I knew that only I could make the decision, and yet I wasn’t sure I trusted myself.

‘Yes, I’m sure,’ I said eventually. ‘I’m not crying about the divorce, I’m crying about the paparazzi. They’re scaring me.’

I wanted it all over as quickly as possible, but all the time I was in that office I was looking for a sign, wishing someone, somewhere would validate what I was doing. I hardly listened to a word the lawyer said. She was explaining how the divorce happens in two parts, with the decree nisi coming first, then the decree absolute.

I tried to focus but inside I was silently begging God to guide me. ‘If you’re up there, show me a sign. Let me know I’m doing the right thing. Nana, Dolly? Is
anyone
looking down on us?’ Honestly, I was that desperate I was looking for guidance from anyone who might give it. I half-smiled to myself when I thought about Dolly. ‘I told you it would never buckin’ work,’ she’d probably say. ‘Buck him, Cheryl. Get rid!’

That’s what it was like inside my messed-up head, but if I thought
I
was cracking up, people were telling me that Ashley was in an even worse state.

‘Cheryl, it’s terrifying,’ one friend said, and what she described made it sound like Ashley was going through a mental breakdown. ‘He’s literally talking nonsense, he’s got a beard and he’s smoking and drinking loads.’

Somebody else told me that Ashley had said something like: ‘I don’t want to be here any more.’ I didn’t believe he was seriously suicidal, but I was relieved to also hear that the club was trying to get him some help.

I’d ignored most of Ashley’s texts and all of his calls for weeks now, and when I heard how bad he was I felt incredibly sorry for him. I know a lot of people couldn’t understand that after how he’d treated me, but it was one of the most overwhelming emotions of all that I felt at that time. Whatever Ashley had done I couldn’t just stop caring for him overnight, but at the same time I couldn’t bear to see him in that state, and so I couldn’t offer him any comfort.

I knew he didn’t want us to get divorced. He’d made that clear many times, but that was about all he did say. He had still never once, in all those months, opened up and come anywhere close to having a proper conversation with me about the cheating.

‘So you don’t want to divorce me but you can’t tell me
anything
that might explain why?’ I’d think. ‘I just don’t get it.’

I was in pieces. In hindsight what I really needed was a relaxing holiday in the sunshine when I finished with the Peas, which is what I always did when I came off tour with the girls. I should have been taking time out to come to terms with what was happening and to contemplate my future, but instead I was now straight into having fittings for
The X Factor
, trying to choose 15 outfits to wear for the auditions.

The ‘dress wars’ Simon provoked on the last series between Dannii and me meant I now needed a stylist to help me deal with this part of the job, because our clothes were always under the spotlight.

This really annoyed me because it wasn’t what I signed up for. The daft thing was I didn’t see Dannii as a rival at all. I just chose dresses that I liked and I thought suited me, and I took a few risks with some new designers, because I like to help people who are making their way.

As I tried on the clothes I reasoned with myself that at least
The X Factor
would keep my mind off the divorce. I hoped it might also make the paps focus on something other than my personal life, too, and I told myself that the safari break with Derek would make up for not having a proper holiday. By the time the auditions started I was really looking forward to throwing myself into the new series.

‘Well, isn’t this fun?’ Simon smirked as I got into a helicopter with him and Louis and headed into Glasgow. Dannii was heavily pregnant, so we were having some guest judges filling in for her at this stage. I knew the helicopter was one of Simon’s new ideas to rack up the drama of the auditions, but I couldn’t help teasing him.

‘What’s all this in aid of? Are we supposed to be like the Three Musketeers swooping in, or what?’

‘Be. Quiet,’ Simon said slowly. ‘I know you love it really, Cheryl. Be a good girl and smile for the cameras.’

The days were long and draining, especially as Simon had insisted on holding the auditions in front of a live audience again, like the year before.

‘You know this makes it crap?’ I said to him. ‘It makes a mockery of the whole process. You should have just kept it with us in a room.’

‘What are you talking about? It’s fantastic!’ he replied.

‘It’s too nerve-wracking to be instantly judged by a whole audience.’

‘But it’s great telly!’

‘But it’s mean!’

I thought we only found one little pop star during the first three days we did in Glasgow and Birmingham, and that was 16-year-old Cher Lloyd, who I told was ‘right up my street’ as she looked a bit like I did as a teenager, and she had attitude.

On the whole I enjoyed myself, though, and I was in a great mood when I flew to Tanzania with Derek on 17 June. Just picturing his face lighting up when he saw a lion was giving me a buzz, before we even got there.

‘Isn’t this
exciting
?’ he said.

‘You know, it really is,’ I replied.

We stayed in the bush in a safari hut, literally sleeping amongst the animals. You could hear them howling and moving around in the night. For four days we had 5am starts, heading out in a rickety jeep with our binoculars as the sun rose, looking for the ‘big five’. We weren’t disappointed, and we got to see them all: lion, leopard, rhino, elephant and buffalo, as well as giraffes, warthogs and impalas.