Checkmate (18 page)

'Nana Meggie, d'you think Sonny will ask Mum to marry him?'

'I don't know, Callie Rose. And keep still. Every time you move your head this plait comes undone.'

'I hope he does. But even if he doesn't, he still wants me and Mum to live with him. He told me so. Isn't that great?'

Nana Meggie's hands stilled in my hair, even though I hadn't been moving my head. I turned, just in time to catch the strangest look on her face.

'What's wrong, Nana?'

'Nothing, dear,' said Nana Meggie with a smile. 'D'you . . . d'you think your mum cares for Sonny?'

"Course she does,' I said. 'He's cool.'

'So you like him too?'

'Yep. Don't you?'

'I guess,' said Nana Meggie, her fingers weaving in and out of my hair.

'It'd be so wonderful to have a home of our own,' I sighed. 'I'd miss you though, Nana Meggie.'

'Not as much as I'd miss you.' Nana Meggie kissed the top of my head. Her lips were soft on the parting in my hair and I could feel her warm breath tickling my scalp.

'We'd still be able to visit you, wouldn't we?' I turned to ask.

'Keep your head still. Of course you would, if you wanted to.'

'And you'd come and visit us?'

'I guess.'

'That's all right then,' I relaxed.

I like changes, but only when everything stays the same.

My chocolate-brown curtains were drawn. My bedroom door was closed and one bedside lamp provided the only light I needed. I sat at the edge of my bed, seeing more clearly than I had in a long while. Different futures rolled out before me like rugs, each with its own distinct pattern.

One pattern had Sephy and Sonny married and moving far away with my darling Callie Rose. In that scenario, Sephy tells my granddaughter about a foolish threat made many moons ago. Something I said to Sephy which I almost instantly regretted and that neither of us have ever forgotten. Something that opened up a chasm between us that neither of us have ever been able to overcome.

Or perhaps another pattern where Sephy makes enough money to move out of my house into a place of her own with my granddaughter. Maybe she's made enough money already but stays because of the threat I made.

Or she could just tell Callie Rose the truth about why they still live with me. Then Callie Rose would despise me almost as much as I despise myself.

I couldn't bear that.

It was a mistake, a simple, desperate mistake that happened when Callie Rose was still only a toddler and Sephy had just come out of hospital after the . . . incident.

Sephy wasn't the same.

Neither was I.

During the weeks that Sephy had been away, I'd fed Callie Rose, changed her nappies, stayed up with her when she couldn't sleep, cleared up her little puddles of vomit – and relished each moment. I'd also hugged her and kissed her and loved her as my own. I watched as she became more aware of me. I thrilled as she calmed down when I picked her up. My heart soared when I blew raspberries on her tummy and she laughed joyously. It was like having Lynny and Callum back, like they'd both been reborn to me. I had someone who relied on me again. Someone I could be there for, day in, day out. And someone who
needed
me. Being with Callie Rose every day convinced me that there was something, someone worth carrying on for.

And then Sephy came home.

And each time Callie Rose cried harder when Sephy picked her up, I was secretly glad.

And every time, Sephy got something wrong, I was there to shoo her out of the way and take over.

Sephy grew more and more tense as I watched her and never let her out of my sight. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't stop. So the inevitable moment came when Sephy confronted me.

I came home one afternoon from shopping and wandered unsuspectingly into the living room to find Sephy waiting for me. She stood in the middle of the room with a large suitcase at her feet and a crying Callie Rose in her arms.

'What's going on?' I asked, my heart beating faster than a hummingbird's wings.

'Meggie, I've decided that Rose and I are going to move in with my mother. Not for ever, just for a while until I get my bearings again,' Sephy told me.

The bottom fell out of my world and I started freefalfing with panic spiralling relentlessly round me.

'You can't do that,' I told Sephy.

'Yes, I can, Meggie. It's for the best. I'm just waiting for my taxi to arrive and I promise I'll phone you when I get to Mother's house,' said Sephy.

'I won't let you leave.'

'You can't stop me. Meggie, this isn't working and if I'm ever to have any kind of life with my daughter we need some time alone.' Sephy was ready to leave the room, leave my house, leave my life.

'You set foot out of this house and I'll be on to the Social Services before the front door is closed,' I warned her.

Sephy spun round. 'What did you say?'

'D'you really think the Social Services will allow Callie Rose to live with a drunk and a mental case?' My tongue began to dig feverishly at the gap opening between us. 'D'you think I'd let you take my granddaughter away from me so you can have a second chance at killing her—'

'SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!' Sephy screamed at me. 'I never tried to kill her. I'd never hurt my baby. Never.'

Callie Rose started crying even louder and harder when she saw Sephy shouting at me. My granddaughter reached out her arms towards me. I stepped forward to take her, but Sephy backed away. She tried to hold Callie Rose to her but Callie wriggled harder to get out of her mum's grasp, holding out her arms to me again.

And I was
glad.

'If you want to go to Jasmine's, you go right ahead, but you're going alone.'

'If I want to leave and take my daughter, there's not a damned thing you can do to stop me,' Sephy told me, a look on her face I've never seen before.

'Maybe I can't, but I'll take you to court and sue for custody – and what's more, I'll win. Your dad doesn't want anything to do with you or Callie Rose and neither you nor your mum is exactly competent. You're not taking my granddaughter away from me.'

'You know my mum doesn't drink any more. And I'm better,' said Sephy.

'Let's see what the courts think, shall we? Let's see you hold Callie Rose in court without her screaming for me. See how much of an impression that makes on the judge.'

'And you'd do that?' Sephy asked quietly.

I could only just hear the words over Callie Rose's crying. I took a look at Callie Rose and Sephy, a good look. And it was only then that I realized just what I'd been saying. My words had flown out like bullets, but now they were ricocheting around the room, and Sephy wasn't the only one they were hitting and hurting.

No, I wouldn't do that, I wanted to shout. No, I'd never do that. You're Callie's mum, you're Callum's love. I love you as my own. But please don't take my Callie Rose away. I'll die if you take Callie Rose from me . . .

Those words I wanted to say were in my eyes and in my heart.

But all Sephy had to hold onto were my desperate threats. And hold onto them she did.

That was the last true conversation we had. I took Callie Rose from Sephy's unresisting arms and watched as she picked up her suitcase and took it back upstairs.

That day I won.

That day I lost.

And now the inevitable has happened. Sephy is going to marry Sonny. I knew from the minute Sonny turned up at our doorstep all those years ago that this moment would come, but it didn't make it any easier to take. Poor Sonny. All those years of curt animosity on my part and he could never figure out why. But now I knew what I must do. I had to show Sephy what I'd been too ashamed to say all these years.

And the only way to do that was to let her and Callie Rose go.

I heard Sonny's new song on the radio today. I'd heard a lot
about
it but this was the first time I'd actually heard it for myself. After only one week on release, it was already number nine in the charts with a bullet. Michaela in our local music shop reckoned it was a dead cert to get to number one. But every time it came on the radio, I deliberately ignored it – turned off the radio or switched stations.

Until today.

Today I decided to stop being quite so cowardly and just listen to it. Funny how Sonny and I had worked together for years and the couple of songs we'd sung and released together had never achieved the kind of success that Sonny had almost instantly found on his own. As a song-writing team, writing for others, we did fine. As a duet, we just didn't seem to click.

Maybe some things were just not meant to be.

Now that we were no longer together, I missed Sonny more than I ever imagined possible. How many times had I picked up the phone, ready to call him and say anything he wanted to hear? Then I'd always put it down, telling myself in no uncertain terms that I was better off without Sonny or any other man clouding my life.

But I was having more and more trouble believing that. The moments spent trying to convince myself that I'd done the right thing were getting fewer and farther between.

Had I made the biggest blunder of my life? Sonny was my dam to stop the memories overwhelming me. At least he was at the beginning of our relationship. And what did he get out of it? Not much. Only me. But that was evidently not enough. Not content with my body, he wanted my love as well.

And God knows I'd tried, but I didn't love him. I tried to make myself feel for him some of what I'd felt for Callum, but it just wasn't there. I wanted the same burning, yearning, tidal wave of insane passion I'd felt for Callum. But even when Sonny and I were making love, part of me held back, watching and waiting and wondering. So that couldn't be love.

Could it . . . ?

How I wished I could make myself feel. I was fond of Sonny but that seemed to be as far as I could get. And I had no idea how much it was eating at him
–
until I heard his song. It had a gentle melody, hauntingly beautiful. Just a guitar to begin with, then soft background drums and a piano. There was a solo guitar riff in the middle and I had to admit the song was one of his best. I guess it worked because it'd come from his heart.

'And now, for my song of the week,' announced the DJ, talking over the musical intro.
'Ménage à trois
by Sonny.'

I've never dipped in kinky
That ride just ain't for me
Don't need no writhing masses
To set my genie free
I don't want five, four's a crowd
Hell! More than two is one too far
I just need a single touch
Don't need a ménage à trois

And all I ever wanted
Each wish on every star
Was you, your love
All to myself
And no ménage à trois

See, when we lie together
Just me – and him and you
Every time your lips meet mine
He's kissing your lips too

And every time I touch you
He's been there before me
Don't try to reassure me
How can you even see me
When he's standing in the way?
Should I just call it a day? Yes
I guess it's time to walk away

And all I ever wanted
Each wish on every star
Was you, your love
All to myself
And no ménage à trois

I wish I'd never touched you
But my love has roots too deep
So if I want to keep you
I've no choice but to treat you
Like the couple that you are
I'm never going to win this
It's a waste of time to try
We make love, you fall asleep
I lie awake and cry

I'm throwing in the towel
It's time for me to fold
You both live on the inside
I'm out here in the cold

And all I ever wanted
Each wish on every star
Was you and your love
All to myself
And no ménage à trois

Oh, Sonny . . .