Chasing the Wild Sparks (19 page)

Resting my hands on my hips, I take a quick look around to see if we’re drawing a crowd. That’s the last thing we need. “That’s not it. I promise you.”

She sighs angrily. “I forgot. It’s your parents.”

I glance back at her. I can’t believe she’s this dejected. “I told you it was.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I shake my head and scathingly retort, “What? You think I’m lying to you?”

“Yes. I think there are other reasons for you not wanting to make the lifelong commitment to me.”

“I already have!” I say loudly, probably too loud. I take another cursorily look around and irritably lower my voice, “I told you that we’re permanent and I’ll never leave you!”

“You just don’t want us wearing rings to broadcast that fact because then people would see you’re taken.” No, I don’t.

“I am taken!” I slide a hand into my hair and bite my lip. “Damn it! I told you I don’t care what people think about me. It’s what they say about you that I care about!”

“Right.” What the hell?

I motion aimlessly into the air. “That’s the damn truth, Becks! I want to protect you!”

“You want to hide me. I feel like your dirty, little secret, Finn.” What? No!

“You’re not!” I heave a hand into my hair again.

“Even if you would wear a wedding ring in public, you still don’t want to sign a legal document saying that I’m yours.”

“Do you honestly need a piece of paper to believe that you’re mine?”

“Yes.”

“What do you want me to do?” I open my eyes and take a step toward her and stoop as I peer into her eyes. “Do you want me to go out and get you a diamond ring and propose to you?” What am I doing? I throw my hands out again and she glances away from me. “Fine. I’ll do just that. Will that make you feel more secure about us?”

Her eyes are on mine. “Why are you being such a dick to me?”

“What the hell? I just said we’ll get …engaged!” What did I just do?

“You’d only be asking me to marry you just to shut my mouth for a while. You’d put a ring on my finger, but you still would have no intention of ever marrying me.” True.

“So, if I got down on my knee and proposed right now, you’d say no?”

“Yes. I would say no.”

“Fuck, I can’t win,” I growl and turn away from her. She’d actually reject my proposal now? Really? She would? That inexplicably hurts. Even though I don’t want to ask, that’s a definite blow to my ego.

When I consider it more, I’m not so dead-set on getting engaged. She’s right. I wouldn’t take it further than that.

Exasperated by this entire conversation, I sigh. “Why would you say no?”

She sniffs as I watch people walking past. “Because you’d be proposing to me almost under duress. I don’t want you to do it because I want you to. I want you to do it because you want a future with me!”

“Baby, I do have a future with you.”

She sniffs again and wipes her cheek. “You think you do.” What the fuck?

I feel like she just swung a Louisville Slugger into my stomach. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Is that Finn Wilder I see?” Oh shit. I know that voice anywhere. It’s Hank Levi, the director of operations at the station. My boss.

Bowing my head, I whisper, “Fuck.” Why now? Why him? He’s a nice guy, but…shit.

I need to get it together before he notices something is wrong. He’s going to ask who she is. I’m sure of it. He’s a friendly man. How do I introduce Becks? Do I even introduce her?

I look up and see Hank and his wife, Rita, a super nice lady who just battled breast cancer. We had a benefit for her last year, one that I didn’t take Becks to. One of many I don’t take her to.

I smile as they approach. Showtime.

I take a step away from Becks so I can shake his hand. “Hello, Hank.”

“I didn’t know you were going to be here.”

I clear my tightening throat. “I’m here with a few friends.”

Hank gives us a booming laugh. “If I would’ve known you were going to be out here, I would’ve had you bring Milo and you could’ve flown a kite!” Funny.

“I never even thought of that. Kite flying. My most dangerous dare ever.” I disingenuously grin as panic begins to set in.

“I don’t mean to interrupt you.” Hank and Rita both look at Becks and smile. “Who might this pretty, young lady be?” Shit. Shit! I swallow again as my throat closes up.

“This is…” I can say it. This is my girlfriend.  “She’s…” Fuck. She’s my girlfriend. “I…”

I can’t do this.

I don’t see her, but I can feel Becks psychosomatically pulling away from me and I hear the tears in her voice. “Oh, I’m just a Finnatic. Don’t mind me. I’m actually nobody of importance.” I put my hands on my hips and look from Hank to the ground as she once more takes off.

I fucking blew it. That’s a damn understatement.

“Did we interrupt?” Hank asks, concern evident in his question. “We didn’t mean to scare a fan away, Finn.”

“You didn’t.” I look up and sigh.

He smiles. “Have you run into many fans here?”

“A couple.”

“That must make you feel good.”

I feel like putting a bullet in my brain. “It does.”

“Did you bring a kite?” I can’t do this, either. Did Becks just break up with me?

“No, but my friends did.” That is, if I have any friends left here now.

“So, Finn,” Rita says, her kind eyes looking right into my weary gaze. “How long have you been in love with that young woman?”

Fuck. “Excuse me?”

Hank frowns and looks to his wife. “Rita! What are you talking about?”

She studies my face before replying. “I can see it all over your face and in your eyes. She wasn’t just a fan. You’re in love with that girl.”

“I…”

She nods as I flounder for words. “Is she your girlfriend?”

“She’s… Well…” Fuck it. I sigh heavily and look to the ground. “Yeah. She’s my girlfriend.” I feel oddly relieved by my admission, but unsure if she still is my girlfriend. I may just have been…kicked to the curb. Dear, God. I can’t lose her. What do I do? I have to get her back if she’s really left me.

“How long?”

“Three years,” I mumble and look over my shoulder. I need to find Becks.

“Finnigan Wilder!” I cringe and look at them.

“Rita, stop hassling Finn! He doesn’t need to explain himself or his personal life to you.”

She ignores Hank and crosses her arms, looking like my old grade school principal now. “You’ve been dating her for three years and this is the first we’ve heard of her?” I reluctantly nod. Her mouth pulls to the side in a disapproving frown. “What’s her name?”

I clear my throat and close my eyes. “Hadley.”

“Why have you been keeping Hadley a secret?”

I shrug, suddenly feeling like I’m being scolded by my mother for not marrying Becks. “I just want to keep my personal life…private.”

“That’s understandable,” Hank asserts.

“No, it’s not! You’ve been hiding her from your family at the station for three years! How could you do that? Does anyone know about her?”

“Pam and Milo.”

“Has she met them?”

“No.”

“Finn!”

“Rita, leave the man alone!”

“Shh!” She waves Hank off. “You need to go find her because you just broke Hadley’s heart.”

“I know. I’m going.” I stiffly smile at them, ashamed of how I acted. Rita waves her hand at me furiously to get me to leave. Hank tries to put her hand down as I reel and jog down to the path.

When I return to our spot, only Rod is there. Damn it.

He’s cleaning up since obviously the good times are over. I ask, “Where’s Hadley?”

He doesn’t look at me as he gathers his things. “Morgue and Ivan took her home.”

“Shit!” I throw my hands into my hair and idly watch him gather his kite. “Did they take her back to my apartment?”

He picks up the blanket and turns his back to me as he folds it. “I don’t know.”

“Probably since her car is still there,” I say mostly to myself as I walk past Rod and toward the path that leads to the parking lot.

“Wilder?”

I stop and turn around. “What?” I ask impatiently.

“Do you love Hadley?”

I frown and clamp my teeth together. He knows I do. I’m also positive he knows a lot more about my relationship with her than I want him to. “Why are you asking me that?”

He snaps, “Do you?”

I sigh and look him in the eye, answering him truthfully. “I love her with all my heart.”

He shakes his head and bends to grab his iPod. “I hate seeing her hurting over a guy that doesn’t seem to want her.”

“I do want her! Why am I explaining myself to you, Rod?”

He glares at me. “Because she’s my best friend! I’m not going to stand by and watch you fucking break her heart! She deserves more!” He shoves his iPod into his pocket, leaving his hand there and says quietly, “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her happy.” I bet he would.

“That’s my job!” I bark.

“Then do it better, Wilder!” He picks up the pile that was our picnic, his kite on top, and walks around the tree, disappearing down the path, away from me.

He’s right. I have got to do something to make it up to her.

I’m losing her.

If I haven’t already.

CHAPTER 12

“I’m sorry, Hadley.”

I sniff and look out one of the door window of Morgan’s Mercedes SUV. “You have nothing to apologize for, Morgan. I’m so happy for you.” I give her a quick glance. “Please, believe me.”

Morgan is twisted around in the front passenger seat so she can look at me, where I’m sitting behind Ivan. “I know you are. I also know why you’re upset. That’s why I want to make sure you’re okay.”

I stare out the window, watching the passing blur. “I’m fine.”

“You’re such a bad liar.”

“Morgan.”

“I’m being serious, Hadley. What did Finn say to you?”

I close my eyes and cringe. “I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Was it that bad?”

“Bad isn’t the word I’d use to describe it.”

“I’ll kill him.”

I dry off my cheeks with the palms of my hands, cross my arms and look at Morgan. “Just forget about my problems. We have a wedding to plan.”

Her face shows her anger. “Don’t you close up on me! We’re going to talk!”

My lips tug to the side. “I don’t want to ruin your happy day, Morgan. Let’s talk about you.”

“We will. After we talk about you. What did Finn say?”

I look down at the floor. “It’s what he didn’t say. He wouldn’t introduce me to someone he works with.”

“What do you mean he wouldn’t?”

“I mean he choked. The man asked who I was and Finn couldn’t answer him.” My tears start again and I urgently wipe them away, but Morgan’s already staring at me. I don’t want her to see me cry. I’m such a baby.

Her voice is like steel. “
Couldn’t
answer him, or
wouldn’t
?”

I run a hand through my ponytail and glide my hand over the skirt of my dress with the other. “Both.”

“Hadley. What are you doing with him? It’s been three fucking years of this shit! You’re good enough for him to fuck on the side, but not good enough to have you completely in his life!”

“Babe,” Ivan quietly says to Morgan.

She firmly protests, “No. Hadley needs to hear this.”

“Morgan, I love him.”
I sniff and rub my cheeks.

“I know you do,” Morgan frowns and looks at the ceiling of her Mercedes SUV, “but, I think he’s using you. I’ve told you that.” She looks at me and watches as I struggle with what she said. “He keeps you a secret, doesn’t introduce you to anyone, lives a completely separate public life from you and he refuses to marry you.” This is all true. She’s not telling me anything new. I close my eyes and bite my lip hard, fighting like hell to hold it together. “He treats you like you’re his whore.”

“Babe, come on. Go easy.”

I lower my head to hide my face as sobs rack my body. Morgan reaches back and brushes a tissue against my leg. I take it from her without looking up as the tears drip down onto my dress. She says, “I want to sit with you.”

I shake my head. “I’m okay.” I blow my nose and turn to look out the window.

“I’m not saying those things to hurt you, Hadley. I think in a way, he does love you, but he has a horrible way of showing it.”

I nod in agreement, but the new wave of sobs contradicts my action.

“Is that why you left him there—because he didn’t introduce you?”

“Yes.”

“Before, did he say anything about you taking off?”

“When he found me, we talked some.” I don’t elaborate right away and Morgan becomes slightly irritated.

“Well, what did he say?”

I cross my arms over my stomach again, as well as cross my legs. “He said he doesn’t want to get married, but he’ll propose anyway if it’ll make me feel better.”

I glance at her and her mouth drops open. “He did not!”

I nod, but then shake my head. “He did. I told him I would turn him down, though.”

She looks at me in astonishment. “What? Would you really?”

“Yes. I don’t want his pity proposal. He won’t marry me anyway. He’ll give me a ring, but he’ll never say ‘I do’ to me.”

“Sounds like he has issues
,” Ivan observes, watching me in the rearview mirror.

Morgan hands me a couple more tissues. I mumble, “A few.”

She asks, “What are you going to do now?”

I shrug. “I have no idea.”

Her face suddenly brightens. “I know. Let’s go dancing!”

I scowl. “What? Are you really up for that?”

“I’m pregnant. I didn’t break both of my legs.”

“I don’t really feel like going out tonight. I just want to go home and curl up in my bed. Alone.” Oh, no. I can’t even go home. Finn’s planning on coming over to my apartment after work tonight.

“You are not going home to pout. We are going to Craze and we are going to celebrate my engagement. I’ll be the DD, so you can drink your troubles away tonight.” Craze is our normal dance spot. Our office has met there for parties, as well.

“I’d rather not.”

Morgan heavily exhales and turns her head to roll her eyes at me. “We’ll even invite Dick Rod. Will you please just do this for me?”

“We have to work tomorrow.”

“Who cares? We won’t stay out obscenely late.”

“I don’t have anything to wear.”

“That’s why you’re coming over to my place. I will give you a makeover and something hot to wear. You will look fab.”

“For who?”

“Yourself, Hadley. You don’t need to look hot for anyone else, but yourself. Fuck Finn Wilder.” She fluffs up the curls in her hair distractedly as she appears to be thinking about something. She snaps her fingers. “Even better! You can stay with us tonight. I’ll drive you to work and I’ll take you home after the gym. We’ll be together tonight and all day tomorrow. Tonight, it’ll be us girls and Ivan. It’ll be fun!”

“Rod will be there.”

“Ugh. But, do you seriously consider him
not
a bitch?”

I laugh and wipe my eyes. “Not really.” I sniff and laugh again.

“It’s settled then. We’ll swing by; pick up your car.  Then we’ll get your shit packed and I will bring you back to our house.”

I look to the rearview mirror. “Are you sure I’m not imposing on you, Ivan?”

“Nope. It’s all good. I don’t like seeing you so upset. Let Morgan cheer you up. It’ll be good for you both.” He smiles at me and his dimples make an appearance. “Maybe I should call Shane so he can dance with you.”

I hunch down in my seat. “I’d rather have surgery without anesthesia.” Ivan heartily laughs. “I still feel like I shouldn’t be bothering you two.”

Morgan looks at me sternly. “Hadley, I’m not leaving you alone tonight.”

“Why? I’ll be okay.”

“No, because you
won’t
be alone. You know Finn is going to come over tonight and try to weasel his way back into your bed. He needs some time to stew. Let him feel like shit for a while. Let him see what he’s losing.”

“I doubt he even noticed I was gone.” That’s like an ice pick to my soul.

“Well, there you go. Make him realize what he did and what he has to lose. Maybe he’ll beg you to marry him by tomorrow.”

I cry again, knowing that Finn won’t change his mind for anything. I’ve been with him for three years. He’s not going to budge on this. I don’t want him proposing to me, either, if he has no plans to see it through. It’ll be like a big fat tease on my finger. A joke. I’ll constantly get questioned about our nonexistent impending nuptials and plans. That’ll be like twisting that dull knife ever so slowly. I’d rather have no ring at all and be asked when we’re getting married. That’s easier to answer and I don’t have to lie:

Never
.

I pull my phone out from my purse and see Finn has left me six messages. I angrily shove my phone into my purse and toss it on the floor behind Morgan’s seat. She looks behind her to see what I threw as I sit back against the leather and gaze out the window. She then turns around, leaving me alone for now.

I hurriedly unlock my car as Ivan and Morgan wait for me to climb in. It’s a good thing the guard at the gate remembered me since I left my tag in my car. I guess that’s one more person I can add to the list of people who know I’m with Finn. I doubt he knows I’m his girlfriend, though. He, too, probably just thinks I’m a Finnatic that services her idol on a regular basis.

Morgan leans on her door from her seat and says, “I’ll call Nimrod. We’ll follow you to your apartment. I will go up with you and help you pack. I don’t want to leave you alone.”

I nod at my door as I grip the handle.

“I mean it, Hadley. We need to hurry.”

“I will,” I grumble petulantly.

“And if he calls you again, don’t tell Finn where we’re going tonight.”

“Morgan, just go. I’ll see you there.”

“We’re not leaving until you pull out of here. We’ll follow you.”

I start my car. “He’s not going to knife me,” I grumble and shift into reverse. Though, I suppose in a way he did.

I drive past the gates, still not seeing Finn’s car, which is a relief. I glance at the clock on my dashboard. He’ll have to be at work soon anyway. He won’t have time to tell me how stupid I’m being.

Maybe this is what I need tonight. Crazy dancing, some drinks, Rod’s jokes, Morgan’s support and no Finn. He won’t even know where I am. Do I tell him? Maybe he should at least know where I’ll be in case of an emergency. What kind of emergency would he have that he would need to get ahold of me? I don’t even exist.

Driving in the late afternoon on a Sunday from Finn’s apartment to mine isn’t that bad of a drive. It’s the weekday morning commute to work from his place that sucks. Still, it’s not as bad as I probably make it out to be. He’s right. I am making excuses. I don’t want Finn moving in with me, talking me into moving in with him, or not even getting a new place somewhere in the middle. If he won’t marry me, why should I move in with him? The cow and free milk metaphor invade my mind yet again and I frown at my steering wheel.

I pull into my building’s lot with Ivan and Morgan behind me. Morgan jumps out of her car before I can even turn off my engine.

“Let’s go!”

“Calm down! I’m coming!” The elevator is down this weekend for maintenance. We jog up the stairs and Morgan scampers ahead of me down the hallway.

“Morgan, wait! Damn!”

We walk into my apartment and Morgan is already riffling through my closet and drawers, tossing clothes onto the bed.

“Hey!” I shriek when a sneaker flies at my head.

“Get your shit packed, Hadley!”

“Let me get my outfit for tomorrow.”

“I already have it handled. Go get your deodorant and makeup. Don’t worry about shampoo and shit like that.”

I go into the bathroom and quickly change out of my dress into blue jeans and the old T-shirt, hanging on the back of my door, I slept in Friday night. I grab my overnight bag I keep my extras that I take to Finn’s and walk out of the bathroom. I enter my bedroom down the hall and throw it onto my bed.

“Do you think he’ll stay here tonight without you?”

“I don’t know.” My heart feels like it’s being squeezed out of my chest imagining him lying in my bed alone, wondering where I am. Would he even worry about me? I gaze at the pictures of us on my nightstand. I love Finn so much it. I don’t want to lose him, but if he doesn’t want to marry me, should I let him go?

“Is that everything? Do you have all your meds you’ll need? What about your pill?” Oops.

I look away from the pictures, pretending I wasn’t staring at them. “I think I have everything.”

“Good. If you don’t have something, we’ll find a replacement. Let’s hit it.”

We gather my bags and go down to her car. I throw my things in the back and jump into my seat. Ivan makes it to the highway in record time.

Morgan is checking her phone, so I pull mine out of my purse and listen to my messages. Finn’s silky smooth voice fills my ear and rips my heart out.