Chasing Butterflies (9 page)

It was probably
crazy of me, but I followed him up a set of stairs, needing to know what he meant by what he said.

He opened a door, and I followed him inside. There were boxes everywhere and clothes on the floor. But what surprised me most was the bed in the corner to the right of a small window with a nightstand underneath.

“This is—”

“This is where I sleep, Lenora. Impressed? I’m like garbage and this is where forgotten things are kept.”

I turned in a circle, taking it all in. The ceiling peaked with exposed beams. Most of the left side of the room was filled with boxes of stuff. The right side was where he lived.

“I think it’s cool.”

“Cool?” he repeated, shocked.

“Yes.” I glanced back at the door he’d closed. The top half had a window that let in moonlight opposite the window. “It’s like having your own place. No one knows when you come and go. Talk about freedom.”

When he said nothing, I spun around and found him standing right there. My breath caught in my throat.

“What’s wrong? In a strange place with a guy you barely know? I bet no one even knows where you are.”

His face was dark with shadows.

“Why are you trying to scare me?” I tried to sound confident, but his words chilled me. Had I made a calculated mistake?

“You should be scared. You should run off back to your boyfriend. You’re safer with him than with me.”

He pointed at the door and took a step back.

I lifted my chin. I didn’t believe him. I saw clothes on his bed and a trash bag next to the door. “Maybe I want to stay.” I turned and started to lift boxes back in place. They had spilled like dominos.

“If you were in my headspace watching you bend over like that, you’d run far from me.”

Nearly tipping and stumbling head first, I stood straight and faced him. “Stop being a jerk. I’m trying to help you.”

I gave him a little shove to put some distance between us. My stomach was a riot of butterflies but in a good way.

He winced and took several steps back before plopping on his bed with his hand on his chest.

“Oh, you’re hurt,” I pronounced like a dummy. I stepped closer, nearly between his legs, and lifted his chin. “Are you okay?”

His hands landed on the back of my bare thighs, and my heart skipped a beat.

“Better now.”

I wanted to swat him away, but I had no idea the extent of his injuries. And if I could admit it, I liked him touching me. It was nothing like I felt when Ox put his hands on me.

“You should go, Len.”

He swallowed, but didn’t let go. In fact, he gripped my legs tighter while his thumbs stroked up and down the sides of my legs.

“Why?” I choked the word out.

There was silence for more seconds than I could count.

“Because I can’t give you what he can. I can’t take you to homecoming in a limo or even buy you flowers and shit.”

My throat was dry, but I managed to croak out, “Maybe I don’t want those things.”

“Trust me, you do. And even if you don’t, I’m no one’s boyfriend. I can’t be yours. I told you before, we move a lot. And as soon as I can manage it, I’m out of here for good. Besides, I like to fuck, Len. And you’re nowhere near ready for that.”

It had to be dumb that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.

“How do you know what I want?”

He still hadn’t let go. Instead, his hands started to glide slowly upward.

“Has he touched you, Len?”

There was no good answer. But there was truth between us. He’d told me about his family. So I should be honest with him too.

“Yes.”

“Hell,” he growled.

“What?” A slice of fear rolled through me at the way he’d said the word.

He didn’t answer my question, though. “Did you like it? When he touched you there?” he asked through gritted teeth.

“Truth?”

“Yes.” But he didn’t sound like he wanted the truth.

“Yes, a little.”

His hands were nearly touching my underwear. A thrill skipped through me.

“I bet I can make you feel a thousand times better.”

Despite his words, his hands were gone. Then they landed on my waist as he turned me to face the door while he stood up behind me.

His next words fanned across my neck like electric shocks. I shivered.

“Leave, Len. Because if you stay, I’m going to show you exactly how good I can make you feel.”

I hesitated, knowing he stood towering behind me. There was no stopping me apparently. I turned to face him.

“Dammit, Len. Today’s my birthday and I didn’t get any fucking candles to blow out. You know what I got?”

He sounded on the edge, and danger emitted from every coiled muscle in his body. I shook my head.

“I got to heal from the bruised ribs and a nearly broken nose my dad gave me. And what I see in front of me is a very pretty present I want to unwrap. And ask Debbie, I’m not a toy to play with, Len. The only kind of play I want to do with you is all hands on, kind of like naked twister. So, I suggest you go before I won’t let you leave.”

Everything he said should have frightened me. But it didn’t. There were strange sensations going on between my legs. Finally reason won as I remembered I had a curfew. And I had a feeling I would lose time if I stayed there with him. Plus, I needed my parents to pick me up because no way would I let Ox drive me.

Kelley waited, and I lifted up on my toes. I had to brace my hands on his shoulders and move in quickly to press my lips to his. They were incredibly soft, and I wanted to taste him. Heat flared on my cheeks as I sank back down to my real height. Then I met his eyes as they burned a hole through me.

“Happy birthday,” I said softly before spinning around and heading out the door.

I took the stairs two at a time with a stupid grin on my face. I didn’t look back, afraid he would be standing outside watching me. I wanted to believe he was. So I jogged back down the street on a high that was all Kelley. Nervous and giddy at the same time, I was ready to admit to myself I really liked him. He wanted to act tough, but I saw something softer inside him.

All I had to do was break things off with Ox. Maybe Kelley wouldn’t be my boyfriend. And maybe that was okay. I had a boyfriend for two years. I was ready to have fun and with someone I chose, not because my parents chose the boy for me.

“Where have you been?” Ox slurred when I came in the house.

I dodged his handhold and went to find my purse. I closed myself in a bathroom with Ox beating softly on the door, begging me to come out. The call netted my mother, who promised to be there in fifteen minutes. I waited there until Ox finally gave up. When I opened the door, Debbie was there.

“Ox is worried about you.”

She had the same glassy eyes, and I shook my head. “I hope you are enjoying the party.”

“I am. Don’t be such a party pooper.” The last word was more spit than voice as she giggled. I shoved by her and out the door. Mom was at the curb, waiting for me.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Ox didn’t take me to dinner. He brought me here where he and his friends decided to drink. This is the guy you want me to date?”

I shouldn’t have been surprised by her next words. “Kids. I remember when I was that age. Everyone makes a mistake. But I am glad you called me to pick you up.”

“You’re not mad. What if I drank? Don’t you want me to break up with him?”

“It’s one mistake, honey. Besides, your father will get his bonus in a few weeks. If you can just hang on until then.”

My mouth gaped. I loved my parents, but I didn’t like this side of them. I shut my mouth because it was for a good cause, wasn’t it? Dad’s job, I chanted in my head. As long as Ox didn’t force the sex issue, I could hang on another few weeks, couldn’t I? Then a plan started to form. I may have to wait to break it off with Ox. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t make a new friend in the meantime.

Her kiss left
its mark on me. I touched my lips, sure I still felt hers on me. But she was gone, and I was left to lie on my bed and remember as if a punishment. It was worse than any blow my dad could lay on me.

Sleep was a daydream that played over my mind. Forced to remain conscious, I started putting the room to rights. My jaw still ached but not as much as my lips. When the boxes were stacked back and my clothes in garbage bags, one clean and one dirty, I wondered not for the first time what it would have been like to live differently.

With nothing else to do, I got out the book Mom had given me,
Of Mice and Men
. The thin book was fat with ideas, hopes, and dreams much like my own. George and Lennie, like me, had only dreamed of a better life. Yet fate had other plans, thwarting them from reaching their goals because they were misunderstood or treated differently because they were poor. I could so relate. Even though I’d read the book before, I began again as morning sunlight rolled into my window like it would be a good fucking day. Only I knew better.

As I read about the Lennie in the story, the overgrown simpleton, despite the similarity in names, Lenny was nothing like him. She was more like the beautiful woman Lennie accidently killed. The parallel lines there was Lenny being with me would be like me killing her dreams. I had nothing to offer her other than a good fuck. And I’d just gotten to the part where Lennie was patting the girl’s dress when a rap came at the door. No one knocked. Fear was my first thought until I realized Dad would never knock. So I achingly got to my feet.

“Hi.”

She stood the picture of innocence on the other side of my door with a tray of cupcakes in her hand.

“What are you doing here?”

I made no move to let her in. Something about that act would seal my doom, especially as she stood there in a dress that made me imagine what was underneath. More times than not, when a girl wore clothes that truly hid her, those were the times my mind really wandered.

“You left your book at tutoring. Plus, I brought you birthday cupcakes.”

“It’s not my birthday,” I said gruffly.

Her big, beautiful eyes blinked in rapid succession. “I know. But it was only yesterday and you deserve a celebration.”

She was fucking sweet, like one of those kids on a sitcom. I bet she lived the life I longed for. But the last thing I wanted from her was pity.

“You can’t fix me, Len.”

Her face fell, but it was better this way. I couldn’t allow her in and hope for something that could never be. If I let myself feel, I would be torn away from this place in a blink of an eye. Moving to the next town, the next place where our lives would be
better
. And I couldn’t take much more heartache. I had a dead brother, an ailing mother, and a father who cared nothing for me to fill those holes.

“I’m not—”

I cut her off.

“Look, go home before your parents find out you’re trying to make friends with trash instead of taking it to the curb to be picked up.”

Those pretty features of hers scrunched up in a mask of anger. I thought she would stalk off and I’d be done with her as much as she would be with me. Only she shoved past me and into my room. She set the tray down on my bed and turned to face me.

She pointed a small finger in my direction. “You don’t get to talk about yourself like that.”

One perfect brow arched up under her bangs. I had an urge to reach out and push her hair back so I could admire her stubbornness.

“You try to pretend you’re this tough guy that words just bounce off of. But I know better. You’re sweet and your heart is pure.”

I glanced away, unable to face her when I said the next words.

“You wouldn’t call me pure if you knew I was picturing you naked on my bed.”

Then I met her glare as she shook her head slightly side to side.

“You’re trying to piss me off and it won’t work this time. You will blow out a candle if it kills me.”

A chuckle burst from me as the line of her jaw mirrored her wide stance with her arms crossed over her chest. She was fucking adorable, if ever that word fit something in my life.

“Fine, I blow out your candle. Then you’re leaving.”

Her lips curled in a smile I felt all the way to my toes. She moved, pulling out a candle and a matchbook from a hidden pocket from her dress. Then she was just there in front of me, making my mouth water.

“Make a wish, Kelley,” she breathed, stealing my unhappiness and wrapping it with her joy.

She was so close I could smell the fruity scent of her shampoo or perfume. I didn’t have to think about what I wished for. The idea, the fantasy was right there in front of me as I blew a slow stream of air past my lips. The flame flickered as her hair fluttered around her head. She was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen.

With quick fingers, she plucked the cupcake from my hand and placed it back on the tray.

“What did you wish for?”

There was no way in hell I would reveal that. “If I told you, it wouldn’t come true.”

“I know what I wish for.”

Then she seemed to grow before I realized what she was about to do. She stood on her toes and her face inched toward mine. How much I hungered to taste her again. It was evident in the weight of my balls as they drew up with anticipation.

I placed my hands on her thin shoulders, holding her back, and watched humiliation grow on her face.

“Sorry, Len, but you and I can’t.”

I wondered if she realized she poked her lip out like a five-year-old and it would be so easy to kiss her.

“Why not?”

I could tell her how shitty my life was, but that hadn’t stopped her last night. I could tell her I wanted to know for myself the color of her underwear, but my sexual innuendos were also lost on her. So I went with the truth.

“Because the next time I kiss you, you’ll be mine not his.”

Her eyes filled, but not with tears. She got it that I wasn’t joking.

“You don’t understand—” Her head shifted side to side.

“I do.”

“There are reasons, and I wish things could be different…”

But things weren’t different. They were the same as always and maybe worse. In Galveston, I had football. Here I didn’t have that. I had nothing to look forward to except that maybe Mom would get better.

As she eyed me with admirable defiance and a little remorse, I offered a bargain and half hoped she would accept.

“Then stop being a tease and call him to break up with him so we can finish what we started.”

She glared at me. And I saw when she made up her mind and hated myself for it.

“Happy belated birthday, Kelley.”

And she left. The cupcakes and the tray remained on my bed as she made her hasty exit. Why did I feel like such a shit? She had a fucking boyfriend.

The six cupcakes were devoured hours before heavy footsteps made their way to my door. I scrambled to sit up in bed with only lamp light to scare away the dark that streamed through my windows.

“What the fuck, Kelley?” Dad bellowed as he banged through my door. “What did you say to your mother?”

Words would only fuel his anger, so I remained mute with one hand on the empty metal tray Lenora had left. Her forgetfulness may save my life, because there was murder in my father’s eyes.

He bent over me, grabbing the collar of my T-shirt. Fabric gave way, which only made him grab more as he hauled me to my feet. I brought the tray with me. I was just about to slam it in the back of his head when Mom’s voice rang out in the night like a broken bird.

She called my father’s name, but not in an angry way. It was more of a plea that stopped my dad in his tracks. His choking grip on my shirt released. And then he was out the door. From his profile on the ledge, I saw his eyes widen. Fear spiked through me as the tray clattered from my hands to the floor. I moved like chilly breeze to the door. Dad was already making his way to where Mom was crumpled at the bottom of the stairs.

“Mom.”

It didn’t matter that my voice sounded like the boy I’d once been. Mom looked so helpless and lost as Dad scooped her up.

“You shouldn’t be out here. I can’t lose you, honey.”

Those words and how he reverently said them stole the fight out of me. That was the first time I realized Dad loved Mom. Maybe he hated her and us too. But he’d once loved her and she had him. Somewhere they’d lost their way. In that moment, though, I knew I could trust him with her.

I watched him carry her into the house and debated on whether I should follow. I sat on the stairs, knowing that Mom needed this time with that side of Dad. I planted myself and listened. If she cried out, I would go and kill the bastard if I had to. But until then I would wait it out until he left as he would.

Good Dad may have shown up, but I didn’t expect it to last forever. Everyone eventually let me down. Sandy, my brother, died, leaving me alone without his protection. Mom had grown ill and would probably die by the looks of things. Dad had never once masqueraded like a real dad. And Lenny had walked out when I told her she would have to choose between me and her asshole of a boyfriend. No one ever chose me in the end.