Chasing Ava: A Bachelor of Shell Cove Novel (The Bachelors of Shell Cove) (36 page)

Ava was experiencing the five stages of grief simultaneously. She sat in a hidden window seat, in one of the closed barracks wings. Looking at the waves crashing against the rocks. Her longing for Logan came from the deepest place in her soul. Crippled by the ache in her heart. Food held no appeal. She could barely part her lips without a sob escaping. Officer training thus far had been a failure of epic proportions.
 

A military march was near impossible when you didn’t have the strength to put one foot in front of the other. All she really wanted was to be back in Shell Cove with Logan. If it weren’t for all the direct orders, she’d be in her rack huddled under her favorite quilt crying her eyes out.
 

The urge to call Logan grew stronger with each passing day, but she couldn’t muster up the courage after the argument when he returned to find her gone. He had called her a selfish coward and she had foolishly ended the call. That had been the last call from him. An unsettling sense of panic had entered her thoughts and she could not rid herself of the feeling.
 

Had Logan moved on to Rebecca Holbrook? According to Ava’s research, Rebecca was related to the Chairman of the Shell Cove Medical Foundation. He risked his career for their relationship. Logan wouldn’t jeopardize his career if he didn’t love her, right? Brooke was the other name Maribelle mentioned. Brooke didn’t have a connection to the foundation that Ava could find. Logan hadn’t offered any information on Brooke, only Rebecca. Brooke had to be the woman he’d referred to during their argument. Brooke was the other woman that had left him.
 

Ava needed to talk to someone. Phone in hand she dialed the one person that had never led her astray in the advice department. She answered on the first ring.
 

“Granny Lou, it’s Ava.”
 

“I’m not so old that I don’t know my own grandchild’s voice,” her grandmother chuckled. “How are you, baby?” True concern laced her grandmother’s words. How should she answer the question? I’m just as much of a failure in the Navy as I was at home. Ava blinked her lids in succession to staunch the tears from flowing.

“I’m on probation.” Ava sniffled. “Tell Dad not to buy those plane tickets. No yet anyway, I don’t want the family to waste the money on me.” Granny Lou was silent on the other end.
 

“You are not going to flunk out of training,” her grandmother said matter of fact. “I can hear that something is troubling you beyond what you just told me. Granny’s listening.” Ava started to cry in earnest. She couldn’t fool her grandmother. Talking with your grandmother about your man troubles seemed wrong. “Ava Elaine, you can talk to me about anything. Go on now.”
 

“I messed up everything with Logan. I was trying to save him. They were going to destroy everything he’d worked for because of me.” Her soul opened and all the darkness started rushing out.
 

“Slow down, baby.” Ava was breathing fast between her sobs. Now that she was talking, the purge had a life of its own. Months of dealing with the secrets siphoning her joy away. She went back to the beginning with Randall and the endorsement. Offering as much detail as she could about the Holbrook family and the foundation. “Then, Logan left for the conference and his mother threatened to tell him everything.” Ava sobbed openly, losing her composure.
 

“His mother threatened you? And Sam Holbrook is involved?” Ava shook her head, forgetting Granny Lou couldn’t see her.
 

“She was going to tell Logan about what Marcus had done. I couldn’t bare it, Granny.”

“Hush, now. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn’t your fault. You trusted Marcus. He abused and manipulated that trust.” Ava didn’t feel better. She cried harder. Gut wrenching wales for the stupid girl she had been. No one in their right mind should have gotten themselves in that position.

“You don’t understand. Marcus had been hurting me for a while, but I was too stupid to stop him, until it was too late. I let him do and say awful things to me because I thought he loved me. He said I was worthless with poor judgment. I wasn’t enough, a pretty burden he called me. I started to believe him.”
 

“Listen to Granny Lou.” Her grandmother’s voice was soft, but firm. “Stop telling yourself you were stupid to care for a man. You are an intelligent and wonderfully made woman who was ensnarled by a predator. Marcus had us all fooled. He was a liar. A snake, manipulating you into believing your actions triggered his abuse. It was all lies baby, forgive yourself.”

“But, I keep making bad decisions. Logan … Logan stopped calling.” She’d made the wrong decision. “My insides feel as if they are being shredded with dull, jagged pieces of glass. Something inside of me is dying. What if he doesn’t call anymore?”

“Have you called him?”
 

“No. I’m afraid he will reject me.”
 

“You’ve expended too much energy being afraid. Logan has never rejected you. I still remember the look on his face, standing in your dining room, telling your whole family that he would be sticking around. I never doubted he meant every word.”

“This could be a first.”
 

“You should know, Logan came to visit us the day he discovered you were gone. He told me how he feels about you. How much he misses you. He doesn’t understand why you ran. He believes you truly don’t care about him.”
 

“Did he say anything about us?” Her question was ignored.
 

“I want to protect you from ever experiencing heartbreak, but I can’t save you any more than I can spare myself. But I’ll tell you this. When you find the man you love, that love strengthens you. It builds you up. Tell me what you feel when you think about your relationship with Logan.”
 

“He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me and the worse. I love everything about him. It scares me so much that I want to run as far away from him as I can, but I feel the safest when I’m in his arms. My feelings don’t make sense to me.”
 

 
“Ask yourself, why you keep running away.”
 

“I didn’t run away. I accepted my commission.” Ava heard the weighted sigh across the miles.

“You never lied to your Granny before, no sense in starting today. You have to be comfortable with the decisions you make, even when they hurt the people you love. I understand the need to isolate yourself in order to think about a major decision. Joining the Navy and moving thousands of miles away is a bit extreme, but I am very proud of you for making your dream a reality.”

“It’s the truth.” Her grandmother ignored her. It was part truth. Being selected for commission was a dream come true, but she could have delayed her departure. Waiting for Logan to come home. But she was so scared, one look in his eyes and she would have chosen him. The truth about her would eventually come to light and she would lose him in the end. Looking back, it seemed she’d made the wrong choice and would lose everything she ever wanted. Her performance as a Navy Officer was lackluster to date and Logan didn’t want to talk to her.
 

“Logan loves you, baby. His mother’s threat held no sting, and I think you know that. This wall between you and Logan is built on fear and insecurities from the past. And it’s a wall you both had a hand in constructing. Fear and love can’t coexist in equal parts. Whatever Marcus did to you all those years ago was wrong. Don’t be afraid to trust your own judgment.”

“Did Logan say that he loves me?”

“What more do you want him to say, when he’s shown you how much he loves you. Remember what I told you when I left your house?”

“To be myself.”

 
“That’s it! Show Logan that you love him and he’s worth fighting for. Logan struggles with the same self-doubt that you do. He needs you to claim him, as much as you need him to do the same. I told you Logan came to visit. He and Andrew talked. Actually the two of them and Robert Lee played golf together last Sunday.”
 

“Dad played golf?”

“Your father described it more like skipping rocks across land, but he had a nice time.”
 

“Logan wants so much from me.”
 

“Like what, baby?”
 

“He wants all of me. No secrets, no hiding places, no sanctuary outside of him.”
 

“Do you want the same from him?”

 
“I have him. Or I had him.” Before she had ruined everything by leaving.
 

“He wants from you what he is willing to give.” It sounded so reasonable when Granny Lou said it. She’d been a fool to leave.
 

“Yeah, I guess. I’m scared I may have lost him.”
 

 
“You and Logan are both broken without each other. You have the power to fix this if you want to be with Logan. The man loves you.”
 

“Logan loves me.” She repeated it. He loves me.
 

“You know how fear and brokenness feels, allow yourself to experience love. None of us can change the past, but we all have some control of our future. Not every man will take your heart and abuse it. Accepting love is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it is the most rewarding. I think you left so you could think clearly. You know where your happiness is, where you feel the beautiful warmth of love. Learning to love yourself and others is a lifelong endeavor. It’s okay to start the journey Ava.”

Logan pushed through his day, praying for some relief from the soul deep pain coursing through every fiber of his being. Ava had not called. She wasn’t coming back. The thought of living life without her, sent pain so sharp through his gut that he felt the serrated edge of the blade severing his vital organs.
 

“Logan.” It was Spencer calling his name. He looked up and recognized the apprehension in the other man’s eyes. His gut tightened in anger. He didn’t want pity. He wanted Ava. The irony that he still wanted a woman that had ran out on him, after vowing he would never get emotionally involved again was not lost on him. Yes, he was pitiful. The numbness he felt as Brooke’s betrayal was nothing compared to the soul shredding devastation of losing Ava.

“What can I do for you, Spencer?” By the look in the other man’s eye he knew better than to mention her name.
 

“It’s about Monique Faulkner.” Logan immediately tabled his despair at the mention of his patient. Spencer’s pensive stance had Logan’s concern for the young girl moving up a notch.

“Fever?” he asked, anxious to know Monique’s condition.

“No.” Logan released a shaky breath. Having a patient develop a fever, weeks after an invasive surgery was a surgeon’s worst nightmare. Thank heavens. So, what was wrong with her? At his heavy sigh, Spencer ended his torment.
 

“She misses Ava, I think. I know you and Ava had a medical Rat Pack thing going with her. Maybe, she’ll open up to you. She’s refused to participate in any of the Child Life activities for weeks.” Hell, he could fix that. His expression must have mirrored his thoughts.
 

“She’s been asking for you. A lot.” The aftermath of hurricane Ava, her absence was doing a number on both their lives.
 

“I’ll talk with her.” Logan didn’t make any promises. He did not know how to help Monique. He didn’t know how to help himself.
 

Giving Spencer a single nod, he headed in the direction of the girl’s room. Knocking, he opened the door to find the lights turned off and Monique buried to her neck in blankets. This was a first. The bed was usually cluttered with magazines, something or other, and girly stuff. Not even her iPod was playing that all boy group on repeat.
 

“I thought I heard your voice. Did Spencer call the surgeon patrol on me?” Her petulant tone reminded him of the girl he knew before Ava left them.
 

“Spencer’s no snitch. I am making my rounds. How are you feeling today?”

“I feel terrible.”

“What’s hurting?”

“Not because of this,” she said, pointing to her suspended arm. “Because I knew Ava was trying to join the Navy before she left. I know why she had to leave, but I miss her. I want her to come back.” There were tears in Monique’s eyes. Oh my Todd, where was one of the nurses. Even Spencer, had to be better at addressing the tears of a sixteen year old girl, than him.