Chasing Aubrey (13 page)

Chapter 21

“Tanner, you can’t just stay in bed all day.”

Skye was outside of my bedroom door, trying to coax me out. A week passed since my meeting with Aubrey. I still never managed to tell Skye exactly what happened, but she seemed to have figured it out for the most part. Since Monday, I’d been holed up in my bedroom, uninterested with interacting with the outside world at all.

Skye managed to get me to eat now and then, acting as my own personal room service. She never said anything about my depressed funk, but it seemed that she’d finally had enough.

The door flew open on its hinges and I rolled over, pulling the blankets over my head with me. She stomped into my room and flung open the curtains, letting in all of the afternoon light.

“Look, I know you’re sad about things not working out with Aubrey, but you can’t just lay here and feel sorry for yourself forever,” she said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

I was in no mood to hear it. I rolled away from her and shouted a muffled “go away!” from under the pillow on my head.

I just couldn’t believe that Aubrey didn’t want to tell me who she really was. There was an undeniable spark between us, something visceral and instinctual. We were just so clearly right. I didn’t know how she could look me in the eyes and tell me that nothing was going to happen.

It still made my chest ache to think about her saying those words. I hadn’t been able to look at her anymore. I tried to maintain my composure for as long as I could. I saw the tears gathering in her eyes and knew I had to leave before I completely lost it. Her rejection was like a punch to the stomach. It took my breath away and made me wish I could die then and there.

Of course, I knew all along that it would go that way. Skye was the one to convince me otherwise. I hadn’t talked to her at all really since that night. She tried a few times, but I mostly stayed mute. I hoped that she knew I didn’t blame her at all, I just wasn’t ready to face the world without the promise of Aubrey.

She shoved on my shoulders, trying to rouse me out of bed.

“You haven’t been out of this room in days. If it weren’t for me you would have starved to death by now. Stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and go do something.”

I groaned and buried myself further under the covers as if I were trying to burrow into the feather soft mattress.

“There’s nothing to
do
. It’s
over,
” I grumbled.

“Yes, I figured that much out. But it’s not the end of the world. A few weeks ago you didn’t even know this woman and you got along just fine without her then.”

I’m sure that sounded perfectly logical to Skye, but I knew better.

“That was before I knew what I was missing,” I whined.

She sighed, and tried her best to yank the covers off of me. I held on tight and refused to budge despite her best efforts.

“Fine, be a pitiful useless sack of sadness.”

“I will be!” I called back as she left my room.

I squinted at the windows, willing the curtains to close themselves but they never did. I didn’t know how long I laid there. It could have been thirty minutes, it could have been a couple of hours. The sun was still up when I heard voices in the living room.

My interest was piqued; I told Skye when she first moved in that I didn’t want her friends hanging around here. I wondered who else would be in my house. I debated getting up to investigate, but finally just said fuck it. If she and her friends wanted to destroy my home then at least my surroundings would be an accurate reflection of my insides.

After a couple more minutes, my bedroom door opened again.

“I told you to go away. I don’t want to hear it,” I growled without looking at the door.

“Oh hey, I’ve missed you, too, buddy,” Bryce’s deep voice rang throughout the room.

I sat up in bed, suddenly feeling ashamed of myself now that my best friend saw me in this state.

“What are you doing here?” I scowled as I asked the question. As much as I loved Bryce, I didn’t particularly care about hearing his take on the situation. I knew that made me a hypocrite since I never hesitated to tell him how I felt about Marcie, but I was willing to be a hypocrite in this instance.

“Your little sister — thanks for telling me about here, by the way — called and said that she needed some help with you.”

“That little traitor,” I grumbled.

Bryce sat on the edge of the bed and smiled.

“She just worries about you, Tanner. We all do. Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this was going on?”

I shrugged.

He furrowed his eyebrows at me, the same way he always had when he didn’t believe something I said. He never failed to get the truth out of me.

“I just figured you had enough going on… The honeymoon, Hope, your whole new life…”

He rolled his eyes.

“I got
married
, Tanner. I didn’t die. We’re still friends, you know.”

I looked down at my lap, feeling foolish for not involving him sooner.

“I know, I guess I just thought I wasn’t that important anymore.”

“You’re crazy!” I heard Marcie pipe in from the other side of my door.

Bryce chuckled and turned his head around to face his wife as she entered the room holding Hope, looking a little sheepish for her outburst.

“Wow, you brought everyone, huh?” I asked.

Bryce grinned. “Everyone wanted to see you, isn’t that right, Hope?”

The baby was already squirming in her mother’s arms, trying desperately to get to me. I couldn’t fight the smile that split my face at spotting my goddaughter. Hope babbled and reached for me until Marcie finally handed her over and plopped down on the bed on the opposite side from her husband. They had me trapped now and there was no escaping the conversation I knew we were going to have to have.

“So, tell us all about this
girl
,” Marcie said dramatically. She was obviously wanting all of the juicy details, but thinking about those things just made me miss Aubrey more.

I gave them the shortened abridged version of our… history. I couldn’t really call it a relationship or even dating. I didn’t know what we were doing, really.

Marcie clapped her hands together and Hope followed suit, thinking they were playing some kind of game.

“I’m so happy for you Tanner. I knew that you would find someone someday.”

“Did you miss the part where she doesn’t want me in her life?”

She rolled her eyes, still beaming.

“Whatever is standing in her way is no match for love.”

There was that word again. Why did everyone insist on labeling my feelings? I still wasn’t even comfortable admitting that I
had
feelings, let alone labeling them as something that intense.

“I think you’re being a little naive there, Marce,” I remarked.

“I agree,” Bryce commented, earning a death glare from his wife.

“What I mean to say,” he hastily corrected, clearing his throat, “is that I don’t think this girl is right for you. She sounds like more trouble than she’s worth and I think you should just cut your losses and move on. If it’s meant to be then she would want to be completely honest with you from the beginning.”

Marcie eyed her husband with thinly veiled disdain.

“Like you were about your father?” she taunted. “Look, Tanner, I know this is all confusing and hard, but that’s what love and relationships are all about. You know that Bryce and I had our misunderstandings, but everything worked out for the best and it will with you and this girl, too. Just don’t give up on her.”

Bryce shook his head, but wisely kept his mouth shut.

Meanwhile, Hope was climbing all over me and tugging on my hair while giggling. I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to have a baby of my own, my beautiful wife in bed next to me, silly little unspoken disagreements across the room. It was sounding more and more appealing as time went on.

Still Bryce had a point, too. I couldn’t keep chasing after a woman that didn’t want to be caught. It was just asking for heartbreak.

“Thanks guys… that was really… helpful,” I said jokingly. They did help me think about a few new things even if they weren’t a united front about it. Seeing Hope definitely lifted my spirits and Marcie and Bryce were an added bonus. I made a mental note to thank Skye later for inviting them over.

“So, how was the honeymoon?” I asked, hoping to change the subject.

“Ah-mazing,” Marcie gushed. She told me all about the places they went, the food they ate, the people they met and how many times Bryce ended up taking them to the wrong place because he wouldn’t ask for directions. I had to laugh at them. They were my best friends. Some of my most favorite people on the planet. I was so happy to know that they were still there for me when I needed them. After the wedding, I managed to convince myself that they were going to be too busy to have me around and it was nice to have them come tell me I was stupid for thinking that.

Bryce let his wife tell the story of their honeymoon, mostly without interruption. There were a few places where she couldn’t remember the name of a place or they had to have a mini-argument over who
really
got them lost, but I could tell it was all in jest. They really were a great couple.

Finally, the story was told and Hope was starting to get cranky without her nap. Marcie scooped her up and I stood to give them all a hug.

“If you need
anything
just let us know,” Marcie said as she hugged me with one arm.

“Thanks Marce.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, man. Women are crazy,” Bryce joked as he gave me a big hug. Marcie slapped him playfully and mocked a surprised face, but none of us could keep the grins from our faces.

“Don’t be a stranger, really, Tanner,” Marcie implored as they left. I promised that I would come to visit soon.

I was even more confused about everything
after
they left than I was before they arrived. I thought that just letting Aubrey go was the only thing I could do, but now I was starting to think that maybe I still had an opening somewhere. I didn’t want to pursue her if she wasn’t into it. I didn’t want to turn into a stalker or anything, but I didn’t think I could let things end the way they had. I needed closure.

Chapter 22

Time flew by. I had no idea how many parts there were to a wedding. My mother made me have an input on everything from floral arrangements to cake flavors to the color of linen we were putting on the tables. I tried to tell her that I didn’t care, but she was having none of it.

Before I knew it, it was the Thursday before the big race — and my wedding — and I was starting to have frequent episodes of panic. My mother dragged me around, posed me just so, told me what to say and how to act every step of the way. I felt like a rag doll just there for her amusement.

It was another day of my mother’s overbearing fussing. It was the final fitting for my wedding dress. The dress was gorgeous; I’m sure there are plenty of women who would do anything to have a dress like the one I was going to wear. I hoped that I would never have to wear it. My mother made sure that the seamstress got everything to fit perfectly. There would be no ill-fitting part of my perfect dress on my perfect day.

It made me want to jump off of a cliff. Yet, I still hadn’t managed to tell my parents how unhappy the whole situation made me. I just knew that if I was honest with them it would cause a rift between us. I certainly didn’t want them to tell my future-husband about my reluctance twenty years after the fact. I wouldn’t want them to call off the wedding and resent me forever for it either. Crummy as they may be, they were my parents. I wouldn’t have chosen them in a million years, but I was glad to have them.

Maybe the idea that they weren’t going to be around once I was off on my own was starting to affect me. Even while she was chattering on about different fabrics, I couldn’t be annoyed with my mother. I smiled fondly. In her own very special way, I knew my mother cared for me. It may not look like traditional motherly love, but she did the best she could. She was happy with her life and wanted me to be happy; to her, I would be happy with what she was happy with. She didn’t quite understand that we had different desires at our core.

While I was growing up, I resented her for this misunderstanding. Over the last few weeks, I recognized it as something else. People aren’t always straight-forward with their intentions. The whole situation with Tanner made me realize how fucked up things could get even when everyone has the best intentions. My mother was only trying to look out for me and I was grateful for her affection even if I didn’t like the way she chose to display it.

And as it had a billion times over the past couple of weeks, my mind wandered back to Tanner. I wondered if her understood why I couldn’t tell him who I was. Of course he didn’t understand; he didn’t know any of the circumstances. I wondered if I’d made the right choice in not trusting him with my secrets. Someone had already found me out, so keeping it a secret from Tanner seemed a little ridiculous now. I knew that my time as a racer was coming to an end. I knew that if I wanted to have any hope at Tanner I needed to come clean with him. I just didn’t think that after all of this — the secrecy, the pseudo-adultery, the mistrust — he would be able to forgive me and look past everything.

I couldn’t blame him. If the tables were turned, I sure wouldn’t want to be with someone that hid their true identity and a fiancee from me. I wouldn’t want to feel like I was a secret in someone else’s life. I knew that what I’d done to Tanner wasn’t fair, but I didn’t know how to fix it.

I knew what I had to do, though. As soon as I got home, I rushed upstairs and decided to do what I knew I should have done a long time ago: I was going to call Marilee.

The phone only rang once before Mari’s sweet southern accent greeted me on the other end.

“Hello?”

“Hey Mari, it’s me,” I said, sounding defeated. I knew I should feel guilty for not talking to her for so long. I never even told her about my engagement, she learned about it in the tabloids.

“Elise Van der Poole! You haven’t called me in nearly a month. Do you know how worried I’ve been?”

I smiled and shook my head at her melodramatics. Despite her surprisingly logical head in respect to romantic entanglements, Marilee still had a penchant for the dramatics in other realms of her life.

“I know, I know. I’m a horrible friend and I’m truly deeply sorry.”

“You’re forgiven. So what’s wrong?”

“How do you know something’s wrong?” It always amazed me how well she knew me. We’d only been talking for a minute and she already deciphered that there was something on my mind.

“You haven’t called me in a month. That means you were doing something you knew I wouldn’t approve of because it would lead you into whatever pickle you got yourself into now that you’re calling me about.”

“Shut up.”

Her musical laugher traveled through my phone and made me smile even though I didn’t feel very cheerful.

“But seriously, dish, sister.”

I sighed and launched into the whole story. I didn’t leave out anything. I even told her about the creepy texts I got from whoever figured out my identity. I waited for my ‘I told you so’ but it never came.

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. I know you’ve been so careful about that,” she said about the text blackmail.

“What do you think I should do?” I asked, on the verge of tears. Mari was always able to give me clarity that I couldn’t find on my own.

“I’m sorry honey, but you’ve got to follow your heart on this one. I think you’ve done some things that we both know were a little reckless and now it’s time to pay the piper. Is keeping your family happy worth a lifetime of marriage to someone you don’t want to be with?”

“This coming from you?” I was surprised that Mari, of all people, would be extolling the virtues of romance and love.

“Well sweetie, I’ve always accepted my fate. You never have. You also have something that sounds like it could be a better option knocking at your door. I know it’s hard and I know you probably don’t want to do anything at all because it seems like all of the options are just baloney, but you have to just do what feels right. To hell with everyone else.”

I’d never, in more than a decade of friendship, seen this side of Marilee. I expected to be lectured and scolded and here she was practically pushing me in Tanner’s lap.

At least, that’s how I was going to interpret it.

“Thanks, Mari. I’ll try.”

“You’ll be all right, darlin’, just trust yourself to make the right decision.”

We ended the call and I couldn’t stop pacing around the room. Did I want to go see Tanner? Could I go see him? I didn’t know if I would be able to face him after everything that happened between us. I nibbled at the edges of my nails, trying my best to avoid the fresh manicure that I got for the wedding.

The thought of the wedding made me feel sick. It was only three days away and I still hadn’t found a way out of it. Even if I did tell Tanner everything, he would have to be willing to accept me into his life homeless and penniless if I called off the wedding at this point. I didn’t know if I had that much faith in him or whatever was between us.

On the other hand, if I didn’t tell him, I would never have my chance. The wedding loomed over me like a predator’s shadow. It grew closer and closer and no matter how fast I tried to run, it still gained on me.

I shook my hands at my side, trying to dispel some of the nervous energy and trying to keep my pristine nails away from my teeth.

I took a deep breath and decided that I would go see him the next day. It was too late now. I halfway hoped that I would show up when he wasn’t home, but that would be counter-productive. I knew I was booked for the first half of the day, but sometime after lunch I should be able to sneak away to see him. I only hoped that he would want to see me. I felt like I already messed everything up so badly. I was terrified that he would just slam the door in my face.

I couldn’t talk myself out of it though. Tanner deserved to know the truth. Even if it ruined every last thing in my life, he was worth it. Even if he didn’t want me, I would have a clear conscience after finally telling him everything.

After a restless night and a tedious day of checking in with all the people involved with the wedding, I was exhausted and ready to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. My entire life had been consumed with this wedding I didn’t want and I couldn’t get away from it.

Regardless, I already made up my mind that I was going to try to talk to Tanner. It was later than I intended it to be: already early evening. I hoped that he would be home and then I hoped that he wouldn’t be. I tried to make myself look less pitiful with minimal success.

There was no use postponing it. I took a deep breath and set off for the Faraday Tower.