Chase of a Lifetime (12 page)

Jim felt tightness in his stomach. His head
went up fast. As he squinted up at the four people standing over him, his
mother said, “There are some leftovers in the kitchen if you get hungry, dear.
We just came out to say hello.”

Jim forced a smile and nodded to Mrs.
Mayfield. Then he looked up at Len and said, “Hello, Mr. Mayfield.”

Len smiled and said, “Hello, Jim. It’s so hot
out I wish I could jump in there and join you.”

Jim wished Len could join him. But he
remained calm and distanced. In spite of his beating heart and the blood
rushing through his veins, he turned his head, rested it on the raft, and said,
“I was just ready to get out.”

As they turned toward the house, Len glanced
back and said, “See you later Jim.”

Though Jim didn’t know Len was playing
bridge with his mother and father that night, he’d already planned to meet Len
at a hotel at midnight. He didn’t lift his head or turn. “Have fun everyone.”
He was amazed at how calm and relaxed Len was in front of his parents. Here
they were having the affair of a lifetime that no one knew about and Len didn’t
even have a slight quiver in his voice. Jim decided he would take the back stairs
up to his room to shower. He would avoid them playing bridge at all cost.

After he had an avocado sandwich, he took a
nap from seven at night until about ten. He woke up, watched some TV, and then
went to his bathroom to shower for his rendezvous with Len at
midnight
. But while he was standing in front of
the mirror trying to get his hair to fall into place, he heard a knock on the
bathroom door. He jumped back and dropped his blow dryer.

“I’m just checking in,” his mother said.
“Len and Janice Mayfield went home and dad and I are going to bed now. We’re
exhausted.”

At least she knocked this time. He’d
forgotten to lock his bedroom door and he wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d
just walked in on him while he was naked. He took a quick breath and picked up
his blow dryer. “Okay, mom,” he said. “Good night.”

She didn’t leave right away. He saw her
shadow in the doorway. She remained outside the bathroom and said, “I hate to
pry into your life, Jim. But I’ve been wondering where you go every night. Who
are these friends you’ve been running around with? Are they local people? Do I
know their parents?”

Helen Darling always wanted to know if Jim’s
friends came from good families. This was the first time he’d never brought his
friends home. He wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the bathroom door.
When he walked into his bedroom, he saw his mother holding Len’s cowboy hat.
She was looking down at it with a deep, serious expression. Jim gulped and
said, “These are just some new people I’ve met. You don’t know them.” He didn’t
feel as if she had the right to treat him as if he were a child anymore. He
thought he deserved at least a little privacy and respect.

“You’re being evasive,” she said, as she
turned the hat over and glanced inside. “You know, this reminds me of a hat
I’ve seen somewhere before. Where did you get it?”

He knew his mother was probing for
information. She knew Jim never wore hats, especially cowboy hats. She was
obviously wondering why he’d started to wear one that summer. “I found it at a
flea market,” he said. “I liked the way it looked. And I’ve been riding a lot
this summer. It keeps the sun out of my eyes and off my face.”

She set the hat down on the edge of his bed
where she’d found it. She looked up and smiled. “Where exactly do you go with
these new friends?”

“Oh we just hang out, mom.”

She took a deep breath and turned fast.
“Don’t treat me like a fool, Jim. I know you better than you think I do. And if
you’re not willing to confide in me, I’m not going to stand here and be insulted.”

Jim’s eyes opened wider. He hadn’t expected
this reaction from her. He opened his mouth but didn’t speak. He had no idea
what she was talking about. He didn’t think he’d been rude or that he’d
insulted her in any way. “Mom, wait.”

She continued toward the door, leaving him
to wallow in guilt. “I’m not going to be treated that way, Jim. I know you’re
going through something this summer. I’m your mother. I deserve better than
just a casual dismissal. If you have something to tell me, you shouldn’t hesitate.
Obviously, you don’t trust me enough.”

“Don’t go,” he said. But before he could say
another word she was out the door and down the hall. He almost went after her;
he was tired of sneaking around and pretending to be someone he wasn’t. If she
wanted the truth, maybe he should just tell her and be done with it. But he
couldn’t move his legs. Up until that moment, he’d never pictured himself
admitting to his parents that he was gay. This would mean there was no turning
back. Once he said it aloud he would be gay for the rest of his life no matter
what he did. And that night, at that very moment, he wasn’t ready to admit this
to anyone, not even himself. And there was Len to consider. If Jim did admit he
was gay he wanted to know that he could tell them about Len, too.

*****

 
Two
hours later, Jim climbed off Len’s body and fell back on the bed. They were
both naked and soaked in perspiration. Jim had just ridden Len’s dick for more
than an hour and they’d both climaxed together. Len seemed to enjoy this
position more than others. He said he liked to grab Jim’s legs while Jim was
riding him.

That night Len had rented a hotel room in a
smaller hotel in a less popular section of the city. The lights were off and
the room was dark except for the blinking neon lights flashing in the windows
from the tattoo parlor across the street. For a moment, the magnitude of how
tacky and sordid their affair was becoming hit Jim hard and he experienced a
sharp pain in his temples. He pictured trying to explain where he was to his
mother and the pain grew sharper.

He reached over Len’s body and turned on the
small lamp next to the Danish modern headboard. “Maybe we can go out to dinner
one night this week. I’d like to do something normal for a change. The last
time we were out in public I blew you in the men’s room of a fast food place.”

Len switched the light off and pulled the
top sheet up to his waist. He scratched his balls and said, “You know we can’t
be seen together in public. It would be too risky. People would wonder why we
were together.”

“Are you embarrassed to be seen with me? Is
it because I look gay? I promise I won’t wear high heels.” He had to know.
Although he enjoyed making love to Len, he was starting to crave a more
authentic connection…or at least a hint that things would become more authentic
in the future. And he’d always wondered if he looked gay to other people.

“Of course I’m not embarrassed to be seen
with you,” Len said. He reached over and grabbed Jim’s ass. He squeezed it and
said. “You look perfect to me. I just think it’s better to be discreet. People
do talk.”

Jim rose from the bed and walked to the
windows. He pulled the blinds up and turned back to face Len. It was so dark he
had trouble finding Len’s outline. He kept his voice calm; he wanted to remain
polite. “I’m starting to think we’re stuck right now. We’ve been sneaking
around this way since the beginning of summer and we never do anything but have
sex. I have strong feelings for you, Len.”

“Where do you want to go?”

Jim walked back to the bed. He sat on the
edge and laced his fingers together on his lap. “I don’t care. I’ll go
anywhere. Just dinner once in a while would be okay.”

“Would you like to ask Cain and your father
to join us on a camping trip?”

Jim turned with a jerk. “Are you serious?”

“Cain is coming home soon for a while. It
might be nice for the four of us to get together. Just a long weekend for the
men.”

“Holy shit,” Jim said. He couldn’t believe
Len would be serious about this. “I was talking about
us
going out. I’m
starting to feel like a fucking vampire. Do you know that tonight, back at the
house, was the first time I’ve seen you in the afternoon since we started
sneaking around?”

Len sighed. He switched on the light and
looked into Jim’s eyes. “You know how it is, Jim. We’ve discussed this. Neither
one of us is openly gay and we don’t have a choice. Discretion is very
important for men like us. Too many people could get hurt.”

Jim turned and gazed at the windows. He was
starting to wonder if Len would ever openly admit he was gay.
 
Sometimes he thought he would, and then other
times Len seemed so worried about appearances and other people. In many ways,
Len seemed even more confused than he was.
 
“You’ve told me your wife knows all about you.
You’ve said that your marriage is only for show. How long can you live that way
indefinitely?” Though Jim wasn’t certain when he would come out of the closet,
he knew he would come out one day. And that day would probably be sooner than
later. He wouldn’t have a choice. There were days he felt so suffocated from
keeping it all inside he thought he might explode.

“I have obligations, Jim. I have to consider
the impact this would have on my family and my businesses. It’s not something a
person can do without thinking about it first.”

Jim understood this. All he did was think
about it. “I was thinking about coming out of the closet soon,” he said. “And I
was hoping we could do it together.” He didn’t think this was unreasonable to
ask. Len had been telling him all summer how much he loved him, with each kiss,
blow job, and fuck.

“It’s not that simple,” Len said. “You’re
young; you don’t understand.” He spoke with a deep, hollow tone.

“What does your wife think of all this?” Jim
asked. “She must be wondering about where you go every night. My God, you just
played bridge with her tonight and pretended to be the perfect couple in front
of my parents. They think you are the perfect couple.” He decided not to
mention how his mother had been pumping him about where he went at night. He
didn’t want to freak Len out completely.

“She doesn’t ask,” Len said. “I don’t ask
where she goes either. I’m sure she’s with the tennis instructor right now. And
I’m even surer the tennis instructor isn’t asking her a bunch of stupid
questions like you’re asking me.”

“That’s dysfunctional.” Jim’s face grew
warm. He didn’t like Len’s tone.

“It is what it is. Grow up.”

Jim stood. He clenched his fists and squared
his shoulders. “Are you telling me that wanting to talk about our future
together is stupid? Because that’s exactly how it sounds, Len.”

Len took a deep breath and exhaled. “All I’m
saying is that we decided to take it slowly from the very beginning. Why spoil
things right now? We’re both getting what we want.”

“How much slower can we go? Am I supposed to
sneak around with you until I’m thirty years old? It has to get better than
this, Len. I know there are gay men and women all over the country who are
living decent, respectable, open and honest lives. And I’d like to be one of
them. I’m tired of sneaking around and feeling rotten all the time when I’m not
with you.”

Len turned off the light and said, “I’d
rather not talk anymore. Come back to bed. We’ll discuss this later. You’re too
emotional right now.”

Jim climbed back into bed and smiled. He set
his palm on Len’s chest and laughed. “Maybe we should go camping. I could share
a tent with Cain. We could snuggle up together and keep each other warm.” He
was only joking around. He wasn’t serious about doing this with Len’s son.

But Len grabbed him by the throat and pushed
his head back against the pillow. “Don’t you ever say something like that to me
again. I don’t want you anywhere near Cain. Is that understood?” He released Jim’s
throat and turned his back on him.

The minute Len’s hand was off Jim’s throat
Jim lurched from the bed and went back to the windows. “I wasn’t fucking
serious. Shit.” He could still feel Len’s hand pressed to his neck; it stung
his flesh and his soul.

“I’m sorry I overreacted,” Len said. “It’s
just that I don’t want you getting too friendly with Cain again. Stay away from
him.”

All of a sudden a sick feeling passed
through Jim’s entire body. He reached for his socks and started to get dressed.
“I see,” he said. “It’s because you don’t want Cain hanging around someone like
me, isn’t it? It’s because I’m a fag and a cock sucker. Well, I’ll have you
know I haven’t been proud of myself this summer. I know I’m sneaking around
with a married man and I’m just as dysfunctional as you and your wife. Do you
think I’m proud of sucking the dick of a man who is too damn insecure to live
an open and authentic life? You’re nothing but an aging sad cliché and I don’t
want any part of it anymore. You’ll wind up right here, in a room just like
this, twenty years from now paying for what I’ve been giving you for free from
someone even younger than I am right now. Only you’ll be twenty years older and
nothing more than a broken down image of the man you used to be. Good luck with
that.”

As Jim continued to dress, Len remained
silent for a moment. He didn’t apologize; he didn’t try to stop Jim from
leaving. And then, as Jim pulled up his zipper, Len sat up on the edge of the
bed, turned the light on, and reached for his own socks. “I was wondering when
you’d get tired of being with an older man like me. I knew it would happen and
I knew you’d throw up my age. I should have seen it coming.”

Jim clenched his fists. “Don’t start that
now. You know that’s not what it’s like. Don’t go twisting things around, Len,
like you always do.” Len had a knack of twisting a situation to suit his own
needs.

Len didn’t look at him. “I suppose I will
wind up alone and nothing more than a broken down old man who pays for sex.
You’re right. You should go now. You’re young and you don’t need someone like
me to hold you down.” He stood up and spread his legs apart. He reached down
and tugged on his dick in an obvious way, as if to tease Jim.