Charge It To The Game (12 page)

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In the middle of the night, I heard the cot squeaking. Taj would get up and walk back and forth. I would hear him typing on his two-way. Then he would take the remote control and flick through the channels. I had been suffering with a headache the entire day. The pain medication had me pretty groggy but I had to shake out of it and find out what was bothering Taj.

―Taj,‖ I whispered softly.

―Yeah, Storm. What‘s the matter? You in pain or something?‖
―No, I‘m okay.‖

―You gotta go to the bathroom? You need me to bring your bed pan? You want some cold water?‖

―No. What‘s the matter with
you?‖ ―With
me
?‖
―Yeah.‖
―Nothing. Ain‘t nothing wrong with me. Why you say

that?‖
―I hear you, Taj. I hear you walking, pacing, twisting and turning. I know you. What‘s wrong?‖
―I just can‘t
sleep.‖ ―Why?‖

―I don‘ t know. It bothers me watching you suffer like this. I mean, you cried all day because of those damn headaches. Yo, I hate this. I hate not being able to make this betta. I feel like a failure because not only wasn‘t I there to protect you…to stop this from happening to you, I can‘t take away your pain. It‘s hard, Storm. I hate watching you going through this…if it‘s not the headaches, it‘s the fever. If it‘s not the fevers, it‘s the infection. Why?‖

―I‘m sorry.‖

―I‘m sorry, Storm. My bad. I shouldn‘t be acting like
this.‖
―You are only human, Taj. You need to let out your frustration, too. It‘s not good to keep everything in. Stop worrying. I‘m gonna be fine and then I‘m gonna be able to take care of you. Come here, hold my hand.‖
―Um…I was thinking.‖
―About what?‖
―Don‘t get mad at me for bringing this up. I‘m just gonna throw it out there…you don‘t have to agree with me or nothing like that.‖
―What,Taj?‖ I asked concerned.
―Why don‘t you let me look and see if I can find your mother or something?‖
―My mother? Why the hell did you bring her up? My mother is probably dead somewhere.‖
―You don‘t know that Storm.‖
―You right, I don‘t know that. I don‘t care to know either. If she ain‘t dead. She might as well be.‖
―I didn‘t bring it up to upset you. I just thought that maybe now was the time you needed her. Maybe you need to talk to her.‖
―Taj, I appreciate you. I appreciate you looking out for me and standing by me and everything but I don‘t need my mother. I needed my mother years ago. I needed my mother when I was sucking dicks just to eat. That‘s when I needed my mother. Yeah, I needed my mother when I stole food to eat; when I had to eat raw spaghetti for breakfast and vanilla frosting for dinner. That‘s when I needed my mother. The only thing I need right now is to see again. That‘s it. You are my mother, my father, my man, my world. I don‘t need that part of my life back.‖
―I‘m just saying. I just feel bad.‖
―Taj, feel bad about what? That I don‘t have no family coming to visit me?‖
―Yeah.‖
―But I do. You are my family, Rick is my family, Rosa…well, Rosa is my family when she ain‘t getting on my damn nerves.‖ We both chuckled.
―You sure, Storm?‖
―I‘m positive. I‘m fine.‖
―Sometimes I just feel so helpless.‖
―Taj you are what brought me back from death‘s door. Don‘t you know that? How can you sit there and say that?‖
―Storm, you always have a way of making me feel like I can conquer the world.‖
I heard rain tapping at the windows. ―Is that
rain?‖ ―Yes, it‘s suppose to rain for the next
three days.‖ ―I hate it when it rains.‖
―I know you do. I always think of you and smile when it rains. Because I know how much you always fuss when it does rain.‖
―Taj, can you carry me to the
window?‖ ―Huh? What for?‖
―Please.‖
―Storm, you know betta.‖
―Taj, I‘ll be fine.‖
―Why? You don‘t like the rain. We just finished talking about that.‖
―I know. But for some reason, I wanna be close to the outdoors. You know I love the outdoors. Especially when it‘s hot out.‖
Taj let the guardrail carefully down, wrapped me in the blanket and then he carried me next to the window and sat me on his lap.
I placed my hand on the window. I could feel the cold. I could feel the water hit the glass. The window would faintly vibrate each time the rain hit it.
―What are you thinking about?‖
―I‘m thinking about the beach, the sun, and the sand.‖
―Do you remember telling me that you had a dream that we were married on the beach?‖
―No.‖
―You don‘t remember telling me that you dreamt that we had gotten married on the beach and that Rick had sung for us?‖
―No. That‘s funny you said that ‗cause he told me today that he is gonna sing for our wedding. I didn‘t even know that Rick could even sing.‖
―That‘s what you said when you told me about the dream and I told you he could sing.‖
―Did you tell him about the dream?‖
―Yeah, when you first got hurt I told
him.‖ ―Oh, then that‘s why he said
that. Taj?‖ ―Yeah, ma.‖
―If you still wanna marry me—‖
―What you mean
if
I still wanna marry you? Why you talking crazy?‖
―I mean, it‘s not crazy. I can‘t see. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with a woman that can‘t take care of herself?‖
―I‘m not gonna spend the rest of my life with a woman that can‘t take care of herself. You know why? Because this situation right here is temporary. You ain‘t gonna always be this way. I give you my word—‖
I interrupted him. ―How can you give me your word on that?‖
―Because I can, that‘s how. I give you my word that one day you will see again.‖
―Taj please don‘t tell me that. There is no way you can guarantee me that.‖
―Let‘s stop talking about it. Are you ready to get back in the bed?‖
―No, not yet. Just a few more minutes then I‘ll be
ready.‖ ―Okay.‖
―Taj, I hope that you are right. ‗Cause I don‘t like the darkness. I don‘t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I don‘t wanna die. But I don‘t wanna live without being free.‖ Then Taj held me tightly.
―We gonna beat this.‖
―Taj, you ever thought about having kids?‖
―Yeah, I used to think of it sometime. But I know you wasn‘t ready for that, so I don‘t bring it up. I mean you said you don‘t like kids.‖
―You can‘t always keep your dreams a secret to make me
happy.‖
―Well, one day, I guess when you are ready I planned on bringing it up.‖
―I want a child. Maybe we can have two kids. I want two boys. Because the world deserves more men like you.‖

Chapter 13

Three weeks had passed by since my accident. Everyday presented itself with a new challenge. One day, I was wiggling my toes, seeing white flashes and the next day I was screaming because of the headaches. Taj and I were on an emotional rollercoaster. One I was definitely ready to get off of.

For the past couple of days, I had been having a steady visitor—Lisa Santana. Lisa had read about me in the newspapers. Lisa was from Richmond, Virginia and had come to New York to work on a documentary about female hustlers and wanted to know more about me. I resisted her initially, but it was something about her that was different—genuine. I barely opened up myself to strangers, but despite my initial resistance I had opened myself up to Lisa. I could sense that Taj was pleased that we had hit it off. Maybe I did it for him.

No matter how mean I was to Lisa she came back the next day. I had a feeling that she could relate to me more than she had led on. In the beginning, I would hear her writing down notes, but I didn‘t hear that anymore. Now it seemed that she had what she needed for the documentary. But she still kept coming back.

―Boo, you sure you don‘t want no more eggs?‖ Taj asked. ―No, I‘m full.‖
―Okay.‖
―Taj, can you lift up the bed a little bit for me?‖

―Sure,‖ Taj pressed on the button. ―Is this good enough?‖ ―Yes, that‘s fine. Thank you.‖

―I spoke to Rosa and she was gonna go ahead and make the appointment for you to get your hair done. But I told her to hold off on that ‗cause you wasn‘t doing so good yesterday.‖

―Yeah. That‘s fine. I don‘t think I‘ m up to that just yet. Does it look bad?‖
―No.‖
―The braids don‘t look old? They feel old?‖
―Nah, baby. It looks good. You know I wouldn‘t lie to you.‖

―I can‘t wait to get a fresh dubie.‖
―Soon you will be able to. Real soon.‖
I started to cough. ―Taj pass me some tissue please?‖ ―You need to sit up a little bit.‖ He started feeling my

forehead. ―Damn.‖
―What‘s wrong?‖
―I think you running a fever again. Let me go and get

the nurse to check your temperature. I‘ll be right back.‖

As Taj was walking out of the room, I heard footsteps—a woman‘s footsteps walking in the room. Her scent was familiar. The perfume she wore was familiar. It was soft and light. It reminded me of my mother. My heart began to race. ―Who is that? Who just came in?‖

The steps came closer. ―Hi, Storm. It‘s me, Lisa.‖ ―Oh.‖

―Well, gee whiz.‖
―I‘m sorry.‖
―Is something wrong?‖

―No, you have on different perfume today.‖
―Oh, I didn‘t realize you recognized that.‖
―I have to. I like to know who is in my presence.‖ ―Well, actually, I do have on something different

today. It‘s Windsong. I used to wear it a lot but I have a hard time finding it in Richmond.‖

―Windsong? I think my mother used to wear that.‖ ―Oh, really.‖
―Yeah.‖

―Well, how are you feeling
today?‖ ―A little betta…I guess.‖
―How is the coughing?‖

―I‘m not coughing as much. Well, at night I seem to cough so much.‖

―Do you think that it is too cold in here during the night?‖
―No.‖
I heard Lisa pulled her chair closer to the
bed. ―Why are you staring at me?‖ ―How do you know that I‘m staring at you?‖ ―I can feel it. Besides, your silence tells me that you are.‖
―It‘s amazing how you have learned to have you ear see for you in such a short time. Have you had a therapist work with you?‖
―No.‖
―I‘m surprised.‖
―I don‘t need no therapist. All I need is to see again. That‘s it. I‘m tired of being in this hospital. I‘m tired of being in this bed. I‘m tired of coughing…tired of everything.‖
Taj walked back into the room with the nurse. I hated the daytime shift and was hoping she wasn‘t going to come at me all rough, because I was gonna curse her out if she did.
―Yes, her temperature is up. I‘ll let her doctor know.‖
Taj poured me some water. ―Here, boo, drink some water. We gotta get that temperature down again.‖
I took a few sips. ―That‘s it. I‘ll drink some more
later. ―Maybe you need some rest.‖
―Well, I can go. I think rest is probably what you need too Storm,‖ Lisa agreed.
―Nah, it‘s okay. You can stay,‖ Taj said.
―Taj, I‘m really not tired. I thought you had to run a few errands.‖
―I do. But I‘m not going nowhere until the doctor comes and checks you.‖
―I can wait here until you get back,‖ Lisa
offered. ―You sure?‖
―Yes, I don‘t mind.‖
―Oh, okay. Thanks. Here, let me write down my cell phone number just in case you need to get in touch with me.‖
―Okay. I‘ll promise that I‘ll call you right away if anything should come up.‖
―A‘ight. Make sure that they give her some Tylenol or something to help bring down that fever. Sometimes these nurses on the daytime shift get lazy and shit and you gotta stay on them.‖
―Definitely. Don‘t worry about it. I got it.‖
Taj kissed me on the forehead and then he
left. ―How is the weather?‖
―It‘s not too bad out today. Not as cold out as it was yesterday. I think it‘s gonna go up to the thirty‘s today?‖
―That‘s what I don‘t miss. I can‘t stand the cold.‖
―Oh, no. That‘s strange. With a name like Storm you would think you love the cold weather.‖
―Everybody always say that. So tell me, how is your documentary thing going?‖
―It‘s going good. I think I just have one more young lady that I need to interview and then I‘m done.‖
―Who is the chick you need to interview?‖
―Um…I don‘t know her name off hand.‖
At my request, Lisa turned on the radio. Hot 97 was playing and Angie Martinez was talking about a Valentine‘s day concert featuring: Jill Scott, Musiq, and a few other artists whose name that I didn‘t catch.
―Valentine‘s day is coming already.‖
―I know. These holidays just come and go so quickly. I‘m telling you. It seemed like it was just Christmas the other day,‖ Lisa agreed.
―You know this Christmas was the first Christmas that I had celebrated since I was a little girl.‖
―Really?‖ Lisa seemed hesitant to ask why. ―Why?‖
―Just a lot of reasons. I don‘t even know why I brought that up.‖
―You brought it up because you wanted to talk about it. Why didn‘t you celebrate Christmas before?‖
―It‘s not important.‖
―Yes, it is.‖
―Listen what is it with you? I said it‘s not important. Now leave it alone. I don‘t know where you coming from sometimes. Sometimes you act like you a reporter, then the other times you acting like a therapist. What‘s up with that?‖
―I‘m sorry, Storm. I didn‘t mean to upset you. I just thought you might need to talk about it.‖
―Say that
again.‖ ―What?‖
―Say the part after upset me. Say that part again.‖
―What? When I said I thought you might need to talk
about it.‖
―Yeah.‖
―Why?‖
―When you said that your voice sounded familiar to me. Lisa, tell me about you?‖
―What? What do you need to know?‖
―Well, tell me anything. All I know is that you are from Richmond, Virginia and that you are working on this documentary. If it wasn‘t for Taj assuring me that we could trust you, honestly speaking, I wouldn‘t even have you sitting here.‖
―I don‘t have a problem telling you about me. Where do you want me to start? What would you like to know?‖
―Start at the beginning. Do you have any kids? That kind of stuff.‖
―First off, I should say I‘m not from Richmond. I ended up in Richmond, by way of Brooklyn. I‘m a New Yorker. And yes, I have one daughter and I had one son…but he died when he was twoyears old.‖
―I‘m sorry. How did he die?‖ ―He
died of HIV complications.‖
―HIV? How did your baby catch
HIV?‖ ―Through me.‖
―Oh, I‘m sorry.‖
Maybe I should have left it alone
.
―I‘m fine, Storm. Really, I am. But I wasn‘t always like this. I went through a lot to get where I am.‖
―Where are you?‖
―I‘m at peace with the things that I have done in the past. I‘ve hurt a lot of people and because of that for years, I wanted to die. I tried killing myself eight times. No matter what I did, God didn‘t let me die.‖
―God?‖
―Yes, God had a purpose for me.‖
―Listen, I told you before. That‘s your belief and everything I can respect that but don‘t come in talking about God to me. I don‘t wanna hear that crap?‖
―I understand your pain, Storm. But you have to make peace with God.‖
―I don‘t have to do anything. Were you always glorifying God? Were you singing His praises when He took your innocent baby away from you?‖
―No, I wasn‘t.‖
―How did I know that? So don‘t tell me about what I should do. You can‘t possibly know what I have been through.‖
―I can hear your pain each time you speak. You try hard to hide it but you can‘t hide it.‖
―Didn‘t I say I didn‘t wanna talk about me anymore? Why the fuck do you keep pushing the issue? Just leave me alone!‖
―Alright. I‘ll leave you alone.‖
―I mean why can‘t we just stay on the subject. I thought you were talking about your life. Not mine. How did you get HIV?‖
―I‘m not sure. I was an addict. I started smoking-snorting cocaine, then smoking crack, then shooting. I did a lot of things to maintain my habit. I‘m embarrassed to say this, but I slept with many many men. And I slept with many women. Who knows when or how I contracted it.‖
―I can‘t believe you used to do that? I can‘t see you. But you seem like you have it so together. You seem like you always had it together. What changed for you? What made you change your life around?‖
―Well, I was in this bad relationship. I mean I was always in one bad relationship after the other, but this one was terrible. One night, Pooch—that was his name--came home and just started fighting me. He woke me up whipping my behind. We fought and fought. Until this day, I still don‘t remember what he