Charade (24 page)

             
My muscles go rigid. I’m half mad at him for how he acted and half mad at myself for needing him. I shouldn’t need him or anyone…though is it okay to lean? I don’t know, especially since I don’t know how he feels.

             
Little flashes blip through my mind. Did I tell him I love him? I think I did. Or maybe I just said the words in my head. My pulse starts going crazy.

             
“Tiny Dancer…” Colt whispers in my ear. I smile at the name. His hand finds its way under my shirt as he brushes his thumb back and forth on my belly.

             
Smile or not, I don’t reply, hoping he’ll think I’m still asleep. Maybe I didn’t say them.  We need to talk. I know it, but there’s so much going on in my head—in our lives, that I don’t even know where to start. All I know is I have questions for him, but I’m not sure I’m ready to answer any.

             
“Is this what guys talk about when their girl pretends to sleep because she’s not in the mood for sex? I promise, you’ll enjoy yourself.”

             
This makes me chuckle, which I realize was his point. Who is this man and how do I know him so well? When did it happen and how can someone be so much more than you ever thought they could be?

             
We’re both quiet for a minute. I hear the wheels turning in his head, matching the beat to the ones in mine. We have his mom to discuss, and jail, freak outs, and my possible half-asleep confession. Why the hell can’t it be easy?
             

             
“Sounds like the party died down,” I say, thinking it’s the safest thing to talk about. There’s no music pounding through the walls anymore.

             
“I’m an asshole,” is Colt’s reply. And he is…but he isn’t at the same time. His hand is still under my shirt, his lips press against my neck. I think it’s easier this way—our darkness like he said. Easier to hide and easier for us to come clean in these shadows too. 

             
“You are…but I understand. You were just protecting your mom.”

             
“No.” Colt rolls to his back. I follow, lying on my side with my arm around him. We’re fully dressed, except for our shoes. “I was being an asshole to her. I was protecting myself. It shouldn’t have been a big deal to get her a fucking tattoo.”

             
“Why—”

             
“—Because it’s final.” His hand tightens, nails biting into my skin. I can’t help but wonder if that means I do something for him too. If somehow I help him the way he helps me.

             
“I’m sorry.” Words are so ridiculous sometimes. They don’t really mean anything, but they’re all I have. “You have to know she did it because she loves you though. And no matter what, she knows how much you love her.”

             
More silence. His grip has loosened slightly, his thumb moving again. With each swipe I feel closer to him, which I know makes no sense, but it’s true.

             
“I need to make it up to her… My head was just all fucked up. We had this crazy talk and I was all over the place. Then I got pulled over. Got searche
d. Went to jail. So you were ta
king care of her while I was locked up. I felt like shit and I took it out on you.”

             
His words knock me for a loop. Yes, Colt is always honest. He doesn’t hold back, but usually that’s when he’s being a jerk, not opening up. I never expected to hear these words from him. Don’t know what to think about them. All I do know is they make my heart expand. They’re the blood pumping life into that vital organ because somehow I know it’s because it’s me. He feels comfortable baring himself to me.

             
“You’re going through a lot.”

             
“Which is a bullshit excuse. I don’t like excuses. What did I tell you that first night? You said your mom left you and I said ‘so.’ It is what it is and I should know that.” His voice sounds so resolved. It’s tense, but also like he’s made his decision and now he knows there’s nothing to do, but go with it.

             
I’m jealous of him for that. I know how I feel about him, but stressing trying to figure out if I said it out loud or if he heard me. I can’t sleep because of the nightmares. I know Mom’s gone, but I can’t deal with it.

             
“Don’t let this go to your head, but you’re stronger than you think.”

             
“So are you, Tiny Dancer.” Colt swipes his hand and pushes the blanket from off us. “It’s fucking hot under there.”

             
I think I got off easy with the change of subject, but just as quickly as the blanket was gone, he’s pulling me over so I’m lying on him. “What happened to you?” He’s looking up at me, and me down at Colt. I only see faint shadows of him from the light shining through his window.

             
Colt pushes a piece of hair behind my ear. It’s such a boyfriend thing to do. Not an I’m-sleeping-with-you-for-fun thing. It both scares and excites me. Maybe he feels the same…

             
Fear wins out. “This guy got all mad at me and pissed me off.”

             
“Be real with me.”

             
He’s almost more serious than I’ve ever seen him. It takes my breath away.

             
“I thought this was a game,” I remind him.

             
“Not anymore and you know it. Everything else in my life is all fucked up. This is the only thing that’s real.”

             
I gasp. It’s what I want to hear. What I need to hear. What I feel in each of my scarred heartbeats.

             
“I’m tired of running.” Colt fingers my hair. “I want one thing that’s not broken…that’s not fucked up or dying. Mom’s life has always been broken. She had a drug addicted mom and lived in the system. My old man was a prick and a druggie. This is the only thing that’s real. Don’t run from me, Tiny Dancer.”

             
Each of his words pump up my heart—so big and full I think it might explode. Or maybe it’s just the right pressure.

             
“I’m not going anywhere,” I tell him. I think the corners of his mouth tilt up in the
dimpled-sexy smile. “I’m more real
with you than I’ve ever been with anyone in my life.”

             
And it’s true. How long was I with Gregory and he didn’t know about the panic? Aunt Lily knew, but I always played it off as best I could. Even with the doctors.

             
Only Colt’s seen me at my worst and he’s still here. Wanting more of the darkness from my past. Looking at his shadowed outline below me, I realize I want to give it to him. That I might be willing to admit, for the first time, I need someone to help me into the light.

             
I lay my head on his chest. Feel his heart beat against my cheek. I wish we were as physically bare as we are emotionally.

             
One of Colt’s hands slides under my shirt, teasing the sensitive skin at the small of my back, while the other runs through my hair. I’m struck again at how close we are. I wonder if he realizes how much he’s giving me right now.

             
“My mom was the youngest…spoiled and rebellious. She got into a lot of trouble and my grandparents always let her slide. She kept it up and according to my aunt, ran away with a boyfriend when she was eighteen. She hadn’t finished high school yet. Of course she got pregnant with me and it didn’t last. She went back home, but the urge to party was too much so she left again—taking me with her.

             
“I don’t really remember my grandparents. When they died in a car accident, I guess she got worse. Aunt Lily says they didn’t know where we were half the time and then Mom would show up with me. She’d leave me with them for a few days, come back and take me away again.”

             
I hate the way the story sounds. The way it paints her. I’m not sure if that’s good or not. “She was funny though. She used to make me laugh all the time.”

             
Colt’s so silent, if it weren’t for his hands forever moving I would think he fell asleep. I’m thankful for the quiet. I don’t know if I would keep going if he interrupted me.

             
“Anyway, long story short. She still liked to party and she’d bring me with her. At one of the parties, she took off—probably with a guy or something. She told me to stay in the room.”

             
I burrow close to
him, hoping his heart against my
cheek will pump strength into me.

             
“It was dark… so dark and this man and woman came in. They were laughing and kissing. The music was loud in the house. I tried to hide, but they turned the light on and saw me. They laughed and I ran.”

             
I stiffen, the familiar thud of panic pulsating through me.

             
“I got you.” Colt squeezes me. I’ve
n
ever felt as close to another human being as I do in this moment.

             
“It was crowed…so crowded and loud. I couldn’t hear anything over the music. All I wanted was my mom. I pushed through the people. They spilled beer on me and tripped over me, but I couldn’t find her. She was lost.”

             
I take a couple deep breaths.

             
“I stumbled into the backyard and finally,
finally
I could hear. The music was in the background, but I still couldn’t find her. I started to cry. That’s when the guy found me…he was big, with a big scruffy beard, I’ll never forget it.”

             
Colt cursed. I’ve never heard his voice so tight. “Did he hurt you?” I feel him swallow hard, his stomach against my chest.

             
A few tears spring free. “Almost.” I whisper.

             
I’ll help you find your mama.

             
“He told me he’d help me find her.
At first he grabbed me and I was scared, but then he said
he knew where she was and I went with him. I didn’t know. I swear to God, I didn’t know, Colt.”

             
I’m crying harder now. The tears flow freely, wetting his shirt. Colt’s hands tighten around me. He shushes me and kisses the top of my head.

             
“You don’t have to say anymore, baby. Christ
,
I’m sorry. So fucking sorry, I asked.”

             
I shake my head because now I need to get it out. I need to
say
it for the first time in my life.

             
“We were in an old, rundown neighborhood. The house next door was empty and he brought me to it. I remember my heart pounding so hard. I don’t think it ever beat that hard, but
all I wanted was my mom. I wanted to find her and go home where we could laugh and be normal.

             
“As soon as the door closed behind me he shoved me into a wall. I hit my head and fell. I remember freezing. I knew I should get up and do something. Run, but I couldn’t make myself do it.

             
“He bent down.”

             
Please. Please, stop.

             
“His beard scratched my face. His breath made me want to puke.”

Colt’s so still I don’t know if he’s even
still breathing. He’s holding me
so tight, it hurts, but I need it too.

“How old were you?”

“Seven.”

He curses again.

“His hands were at my pants, Colt. They were unbuttoned and unzipped. I tried to kick him and he hit me. He went for my pants again.”

God this is hard. So, so hard.  “That’s how close I was, to…But someone came in. It sidetracked him. I finally made myself run. I ran all the way home in the middle of the night and she was
there.
She’d forgotten about me and left me. How could she forget me?”

             
Colt sits up, holding me in his lap. My arms go around his neck and I cry. I cry for that little girl who learned that night never to count on anyone. For the one who still didn’t want my mom to leave me when she brought me to Aunt Lily’s. The one who felt abandoned. Who never let Lily in. Or Gregory. Who made the panic seem like less to the doctors because I thought if I somehow made myself perfect, it would mean the people I loved wouldn’t leave me.

             
Who asked Colt to be my fake boyfriend just to prove to Gregory I didn’t need him.

             
I cry for the person I am now. Who doesn’t know if I should hate my mom for leaving me. If she really did abandon me or if I wanted her to have or not.