Changes (45 page)

“Good evening, Pam.” She started with her. “How was your day?”

“Fine.” She attempted to look confident, but she kept glancing nervously at Mel. “I understand that you told your father I went horseback riding last week. Is that true?” There was dead silence in the room. “I repeat. Is that true?”

Her voice was low. “No.”

“I can't hear you, Pam.”

“No!” She shouted at Mel, and Peter reached for his wife's arm.

“Mel, please, don't upset yourself …”

Mel looked him right in the eye. “We need to clear the air. Did you hear what she said?”

“I did.”

Mel turned back to Pam. “Why did you tell your father a lie? Did you want to make trouble for us?” Pam shrugged. “Why, Pam?” She reached out and touched the girl's hand. “Because I'm having a baby? Is that so awful that you have to punish me? Well, I'll tell you something, no matter how many babies we have, we'll still love you.” She saw Pam's eyes fill with tears while Peter kept his grip on her arm. “But if you don't knock off the shit you've been pulling ever since I moved in, I'm going to kick your ass from here to the other side of town.” Pam smiled through her tears and looked at Mel.

“Would you really do that?” She sounded almost pleased. It told her they cared about her, still.

“I would.”

Mel looked around the rest of the table then. “And that goes for the rest of you too.” She softened her voice as she looked at Matt. “You're always going to be our baby, Matt. This one will never take your place,” but he didn't look as though he believed her. And then she turned to the twins. “And you two.” She looked specifically at Val. “I didn't plan the timing of this to hurt you, Val. I couldn't know what was going to happen any more than you planned what happened to you, and the two of you have been totally insensitive about how I feel, and I think it's lousy of you.” She turned to Mark then, “And frankly, Mark, I'm surprised to see you here tonight. We don't seem to see much of you anymore. Did you run out of funds so you had to eat here for a change?”

“Yeah.” He grinned.

“Well, I think you ought to keep in mind that as long as you're living at home, you have a responsibility to this family to be here more than once a month. We expect to see a little more of you than we have lately.”

He looked startled by what she said, and subdued as Peter watched. “Yes, ma'am.”

“And Pam”—Peter's only girl looked at her cautiously— “From now on you take yourself to the shrink. You can take the bus just like everyone else. I'm not going to drive you all over town. If you want to see him, you can get there by yourself, but I'm not going to drag you there by the hair. You're almost fifteen years old. It's time you took some responsibility for yourself.”

“Do I have to take the bus home from school?” Matt piped up hopefully. He loved the bus, but Mel smiled and shook her head.

“No, you don't.” She looked around the table then.” I hope I've made myself clear to all of you. For your own reasons, you've all behaved like little beasts since your father and I told you that I was pregnant, and personally I think it stinks. I can't change what you feel, but I can change how you act, and I'm not willing to accept the way you've been treating me, all of you”—her eyes even took in Mrs. Hahn—“there's room for everyone here, for you, for me, for your father, this baby, but we have to be nice to each other. And I'm not going to let you go on punishing me”—tears suddenly sprang to her eyes and overflowed—“for this unborn child.” And with that she threw down her napkin and went upstairs, having touched not a morsel of food, but at least she had proved a point with that too, and Mrs. Hahn had actually produced salad, and roasted chicken, and rice. Peter looked around at all of them. They looked embarrassed and subdued, as well they should have, and they knew it.

“She's right, you know. You've all been rotten to her.”

Pam tried to stare him down, but it didn't work, and Mark squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, as Val hung her head.” I didn't mean to …”

Jess spoke up too. “Yes, you did. We all did. We were mad at her.”

“It isn't fair to take it out on her like that.”

“It's okay, Dad. We'll be good now.” Matt patted his father's arm and they all smiled, and a few minutes later Peter took a plate up to their room where Mel lay crying on their bed.

“Come on, sweetheart, don't get so upset. I brought you something to eat.”

“I don't want to eat. I feel sick.”

“You shouldn't get excited like that, it's bad for you.” She turned around to look at him in disbelief.

“Bad for me? Do you ever think how bad for me it is to have everyone in this house treat me like shit?”

“They'll shape up now.” She didn't answer him. “And you shouldn't be so hard on them, Mel. They're just kids.”

She narrowed her eyes and looked at him. “I don't count Matt because he's six years old and he has a right to be mad about this, but the others are practically adults, and they've stomped all over me for the past month. Pam even told you a blatant lie so that you'd think I was trying to lose our child, and you believed her!” Suddenly she was raging at him, and he hung his head, and then finally he looked at her.

“Well, I know this baby will interfere with your work, and you didn't want it at first.”

“I'm not even sure I want it now. But it's there for chrissake, and that's another thing. Just where do you think we're going to put it in this house?”

“I hadn't thought of that.”

“I didn't think you had.” She looked depressed. She didn't want to fight with him, but in his own way he was hurting her too. She spoke more quietly to him. “Can we finally sell this place?”

He looked horrified. “Are you out of your mind? This is my children's home.”

“And you built it with Anne.”

“That's beside the point.”

“It's not to me. And there's no room for our baby here.”

“We'll add on a wing.”

“Where? Above the swimming pool?” It was an absurd idea and he knew that.

“I'll call my architect and see what he suggests.”

“You're not married to him.”

“And I'm not married to you. You're married to that fucking job you bitch about so much.”

“That's not fair.”

His rage continued. “And you wouldn't give it up for a day, would you? Even if it cost you our child …” You could hear their voices across the house.

“It won't.” She leapt off the bed and confronted him. “But you and the children will if you don't all get off my back and start doing something for me for a change. They want to shit all over me for daring to get pregnant, and you want to squash me into your old life, while your daughter puts her mother's portrait over my bed.”

“Once. Big deal.” He looked unimpressed.

“That thing shouldn't even be in this house.” And then she stared at him. It had gone too far. “And neither should I. In fact”—she stalked to the closet and pulled out a valise and threw it on the bed, then marched to her chest of drawers and began throwing things into the open suitcase—“I'm getting out until you all think this thing out. Those kids, all of them, damn well better behave, and you'd better stop treating Pam like a little wilting flower with a head of glass or she's going to wind up a junkie or some other crazy thing by the time she's sixteen. There's nothing wrong with that kid that a whole lot of discipline won't cure.”

“May I remind you that
my
daughter is not the one who got pregnant earlier this year.” It was a low blow and he knew it as soon as the words were out. But it was too late to turn back now.

Mel stared at him with hatred in her eyes. “Touché. And we can thank your son for that.”

“Look, Mel … why don't we calm down and talk …"H e was suddenly frightened by the look in her eyes, and he knew she wasn't supposed to get upset, but she had made him so angry.

“You're half right at least. I'm going to calm down, but we are not going to talk. Not now anyway. I'm walking out of here tonight, and you can manage the kids on your own. In fact, you can sit here and figure out what you want to do about them, this house, and me.”

“Is that an ultimatum, Mel?” His voice was strangely still.

“Yes, it is.”

“And what do you do in the meantime?”

“I'm going away to make up my mind about a few things myself. What I want to do about living in this house, whether or not I want to quit my job, and if I want to get rid of this kid.”

“Are you serious?” He looked shocked, but she suddenly looked frighteningly calm.

“I'am.”

“You'd get rid of our child?”

“I might. You all seem to assume that I have to do as I'm told, what's expected of me. I have to be here day after day, I have to put up with Mrs. Hahn, I have to take anything the kids dish out, I have to live with Anne's pictures staring me in the face, I have to drive Pam to the shrink day after day, I have to have this baby no matter what … Well, guess what? I don't. I have choices to make too.”

“And I have nothing to say about any of it?” He looked furious again.

“You've said enough. You defend Pam every time I open my mouth. You tell me how marvelous Mrs. Hahn is and I tell you I hate her guts, you tell me this is your house, and you assume that I have to have our child. Well, I don't. I'm thirty-six years old and frankly I think I'm too old for this. And I'm much too old to be taking this kind of shit from anyone, you, or the kids.”

“I wasn't aware I'd been giving you shit, Mel.”

She looked sadly at him. “I've changed my whole life for you in the past six months, given up my job, my home, my town, my independence. I have a job out here which may or may not work out, but is something of a step down for me, and working with a real sonofabitch. You don't seem to appreciate any of that. And for you, everything is status quo. Your kids still have their own rooms, own house, pictures of their mom everywhere, their housekeeper, their dad. The only inconvenience is that now they have to put up with me. Well, if any of you expect me to stick around, maybe you'd all better start thinking about what changes you're going to make. Or I may make a few big changes and go home.”

He looked terrified but his voice was firm. “Mel, are you leaving me?”

“No, I'm not. But I'm going away for a week to think things out for myself, and decide what I want to do.”

“Will you have the abortion while you're gone?”

She shook her head and fought back tears. “I wouldn't do that to you. If that's what I decide, I'll tell you first.”

“It's getting awfully late for that. There would be a risk involved.”

“Then I'll have to take that into consideration too. But right now, I'm going to think about what
I
want, not what you want, or you expect, or what makes you comfortable or the kids needs. I have needs too, and no one has given two shits about them in a long time, not even me.” He nodded slowly, devastated that she would leave, even for a week.

“Will you let me know where you are?”

“I don't know.”

“Do you know where you're going?”

“No, I don't. I'm going to get in the car and drive, and I'll see you in a week.” She was leaving him with a lot to think about. She wasn't going to be the only one thinking things out that week.

“What about your work?”

“I'll tell them I'm sick again. I'm sure Paul Stevens will be thrilled.”

And he knew that he had to say something to her then, before she left, before she threw it all away in her head. “I won't be, Mel. I'll miss you terribly.”

She looked sad as she walked away with her valise. “So will I. But maybe that's the whole point of this. Maybe it's time we both figured out how much this all means to us, how much it's worth, how much we're willing to pay for what we want. I don't know anymore, I thought I did, but suddenly I wonder about it all, and I need to think it out.” He nodded, and watched as she walked out the door, and a moment later he heard the front door close behind her. He had wanted to take her in his arms, to tell her he loved her more than life itself, that he wanted their child, but he had been too proud, he had only stood there. And now she was gone. For a week. For longer? Forever?

“Where's Mom?” Val looked in, in surprise, as she passed their room.

“Out.” He stared at her. “Gone.” He decided to tell her the truth. He would tell them all. They deserved to know. They had played a part in it too. They were all responsible for how she felt. He wouldn't take the blame alone, although he realized now that a good part of it was his. He had been so damn stubborn about the house, about everything. She had made all the changes required for their new life, and he had made none. She was right, it wasn't fair. He looked sadly at Val now, who didn't seem to understand.

“Gone? Gone where?”

“I don't know. She'll be back in a week.” And then Val simply stood and stared at him. She understood. They'd all gone too far. But they had all been so damn mad at her, and she had been too. It didn't seem worth it now.

“Will she be okay?”

“I hope so, Val.” He walked into the hall and put an arm around her as Jess came up the stairs and looked at them.

“Did Mom go out?”

“Yeah.” Val answered for him. “She left for a week.” And as the rest of them came up the stairs, they heard what Val said, and they simply stood where they were and stared at him.

CHAPTER 30