Chances & Choices (34 page)

"Hey, Stella, you're not leaving!"

"You're fired, Richard."

Incredulous, he crossed over to her and took her arm.
 "You don't mean that.  It's just you and me now, baby. " Then, as she failed to respond.  "You know you've always wanted me."

Contemptuously, Stella answered.
 "That's true, but I find I don't have the stomach for you, after all."  Removing his hand, disdainfully, she left the apartment.

Claire was preparing to put her suitcase in her car, when the cab pulled up at the beach-house.
 Damn!  Why did he have to arrive now?  A few more minutes and she would be gone.  If he asked her to stay, she might not be able to resist him and she had to, she couldn't put with any more of this; it hurt too much.

He couldn't really believe Richard's accusations.
 By now, he should have figured out how Richard gained access to the designs, and why she accepted some blame.  But he had believed him for a time, and Claire knew why.  She couldn't spend her life with him, wondering when he was going to find another excuse to stop coming too close to her.

If he was determined to continue protecting himself, then she would have to start doing the same, and that meant never seeing him again.
 She had already booked her flight to New York and she was banking on John taking her back.

As he reached her, she saw the determined lines around his mouth and she felt relieved; if he was the least bit tender she would never be able to resist him.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Picking up her suitcase, she attempted to stow it in the car, answering at the same time.

"What it looks like, I'm leaving."

Ironically, despite his assertions to Blake, Jul
ian knew this was one time when a firm hand was called for. He took the suitcase from her and gripped her above the elbow, propelling her through the opened entrance into the house.

"The hell you are!"

She tried to pull out of his grasp, but she was no match for his strength, and she was marched down the hall into the bedroom.  Once inside the room, he threw her suitcase onto her side of the bed and let her go with a push towards it.

"You can just unpack it again, because you're not going anywhere."

Using her anger as a shield, she fumed at him.  "This isn't the dark ages, you know.  You can't stop me if I want a divorce!"

She saw him blanch when she said the last word, and her heart twisted when she thought she might be causing him pain.
 Wasn't that why he had been protecting himself?  At least he couldn't be hurting the way she was; he hadn't left himself wide open.  Maybe he had the right idea, after all.

He seemed to recover quickly as he grasped her shoulders, bringing her towards him, so her face was only inches from his own.
 She closed her eyes, if she looked into the green depths of his, she would be lost, dependant on his love more than ever.  His voice was low, but no less determined.

"If you think I'm going to let you walk out on me because of another man's attempts at revenge, you can damn well think again."
 He let her go and she almost stumbled.  "You're not leaving, Claire."

"Richard's not the problem and you know it.
 You only believed him because it was another excuse, another defence, just like all the others.  I thought I could take it, fight for you as long as I had to.  I guess I'm just not as strong as I thought.  I have to protect myself now."

Her anger wasn't working as a shield anymore, and she bent her head, tears slipping down her cheeks.
 Julian looked at her, remorse flooding him.  How could he have allowed himself to be oblivious to the way he was hurting her?  No, he refused to excuse himself, he'd known, he'd just disregarded it.  It would serve him right if she did walk out on him.  Even now, he was acting as if she were in the wrong, instead of asking her to forgive him.

Intending to gather her gently against him, he reached for her.
 When he touched her, she flinched, shaking his hand off and his courage almost failed him.  But then, he felt it grow in him again, along with his determination.  He'd fought for love before, and lost.  But death was not the enemy here, fear was, and fear was one enemy love could defeat.  This was one battle he would win.

"Claire, I know I've put you through hell.
 You're right, I've been making excuses, putting up defences, but that's over now."  He pulled her to him, unresisting this time.  "I love you with all my heart and if that makes me vulnerable, so be it."

A sob escaped her and she pushed away from him.
 "Oh, Julian, I wish I could believe that, but I don't think I can.  You've told me you loved me before."

She walked away from him, her back to him, as he searched to find the words to make her understand, to tell her he wasn't afraid anymore.
 He walked past her and looked out the window, slipping his hands into his pockets.  He stood without speaking for a few minutes and then he told her.

"I
meant to come here right after I left Blake's apartment, but I had the driver stop off on the way.  There's a cove not far from here - Susanna and I used to go there."  He smiled.  "It's secluded."

Claire sat down on the bed, speechless.
 How could he do this to her?  When he spoke again his voice was distant, remembering.  "I went there the night she died.  I just sat there all night, sure the sun would never rise.  But it did and I knew I would have to find a way to go on living.  I blamed myself for the pain I was feeling.  I thought if I hadn't loved as much, I wouldn't hurt as much, either.  I decided then I had been too young and too intense, that I should learn to control my emotions.  I was determined I would from then on.

I was wrong.

What I should have done was ask myself the question I asked today.  If  I could do it all over again, if I were to have a second chance, would I do anything differently?  Would I choose not to love as much in order to avoid the pain?"  He gave a small laugh.  "The answer came at once - not for a moment."

Claire stood, her voice tortured.
 "How can you be so cruel!"

 
He snapped his head round, startled by her reaction.

"How can you stand there, telling me you would do that for her, when you're not prepared to take any chances for me."

Comprehension dawned on him, and he crossed over to her.  "Claire, you don't understand."

She pus
hed him away, her voice coming in sobs.  "You told me that before, but you're wrong.  You may not believe it, but I love you as much as you loved her, as you still do.  Loving you as I do, I can understand how you feel.  I can't imagine loving anyone else this way.  But Julian how could you?  How could you make me love you so much, knowing you could never return my feelings"

Julian could tell she was so upset that words would have no effect; this was a situation that called for action.
 Pulling her towards him, he stemmed any further words with the passionate comfort of his lips.

Claire struggled against him, refusing to
be pacified by lovemaking.  Julian held her safe and deepened his kiss, intent on using his previously restrained passion to heal her and the rift between them.   He held the back of her head firmly, moulding her close to him, melding them together in a drugging, overwhelming embrace.  His other arm was securely around her, keeping her close against him.  Her struggles receded and he swung her up and crossed to the bed.

As he laid her down, he saw the tears tremble in her eyes and then tumble on to her pale cheeks.  He wiped
them gently and kissed them, tasting their salty tang with his tongue before easing it, slicking it across her lips and into her mouth. He eased in deeply possessing and filling her mouth. Probing he teased her, tempting her tongue into meeting his, sucking and pulling her deep inside him  

He poured all his feelings into the kiss, his passions no longer in check, willing her to accept through his actions the truth his words had failed to convey.
 His hopes rose when she opened to him.  He pushed home his advantage fully tasting her tongue and lips, as he held her against him pulling her body ever deeper, ever closer until at last they melted into each other and her sobs and tears were replaced by soft moans of desire.

Reluctantly he eased away from her, running his
tongue and then his fingers over her full lips.  They had melded so close that he seemed to have to peel off her.  Her eyes were bemused as he shifted his weight from on top of her to close beside her, his upper body still above her, as he stroked her hair.  He wanted to make love to her but he wanted things clear between them first.

"Claire, you don't understand.
 That night after the party, you thought I was talking about Susanna."  

Claire moistened her lips, which were still throbbing from the passionate
sweetness of his kisses.  He kissed her again with a tender passion, and Claire dared to hope for the impossible.

"What were you talking about, Julian?"

His eyes brimmed with a wealth of emotion she thought lay out of her reach.  "You.  Fate dealt me another chance - in you.  I didn't learn to love you in the same way, as instantly, as I did Susanna.  It grew slowly and as you said, in stages.  At first, I fought loving you at all.  That's why I let you go to New York without telling you how I felt.  When you came back, I knew I couldn't let you go again.  It was bad enough hearing about you with another man, without someday having to watch you.

My love for you wasn't as intense then, and I told myself I could marry you and not become too involved.
 Others can love from a distance, I thought I could as well."

"That wasn't very fair to me, Julian."

He accepted her criticism.  "I know, but my love wasn't as deep then and it was selfish.  I was determined to do it my way, protecting myself with every step.  That's why I made sure we got married in Las Vegas.  My first act of love was a total giving of myself, a commitment, and that's how I think of it.  But I couldn't be sure it would mean the same to you and I wasn't prepared to take the chance."

"I don't mind that, Julian.
 That was probably the right choice.  I didn't think of it as a commitment then, although I feel differently now.  It was the marriage that was the commitment to me.  What I object to is that you didn't fully commit yourself to me even after we were married; you still haven't."

He kissed her again.
 “No, but I will, if you'll let me."

Claire hesitated, and sensing her indecision, he continued his explanations.
 "My love deepened almost immediately, our honeymoon was so idyllic.  I guess I began to hope for more even then.  But when we got back, you seemed more distant, and I refused to act on my hopes.  When I found out about Blake, I was so intensely jealous of you seeing him every day without my knowledge, I was amazed at my reaction.  It made me realise how much you were coming to mean to me.  It was a lot stronger than my earlier jealously of him."

"Well, you certainly didn't show it!
 I thought you didn't care!"

She heard him laugh deeply at her disgusted indignation.
 "I think that was the supreme test of my control.  Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to stand there and listen to him talking about how
well he knew you
in New York, and answer him casually, when I really felt like ramming your paperweight down his throat?"

"It's too bad you didn't, it might have saved us a lot of trouble!"
 She was still angry enough with Richard to enjoy the idea of him meeting such a fate.

"You're right, you wouldn't have taken him to the party then.
 Although maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing – you got over Blake and things between us certainly heated up.”   He punctuated this observation by running his hand possessively over her body and kissing her deeply before continuing. 

“The next morning I knew our love could be as deep as that of my previous marriage, but it still scared me.
 The conversation we overheard did nothing to relieve my fears."

Comprehension filled Claire.
 "So when you talked about hiding your feelings in order not to invite disaster you were talking about us - me - not Susanna."

"Yes, and I meant the same thing earlier.
 You told me I was haunted by memories.  You were right.  But not memories of love, Claire.  Memories of pain.  I finally laid them to rest today in that cove where I should have done, as you said, years ago.  I was trying to explain to you that I had decided that the rewards of loving you are worth the risk.  I'm willing to take my chances now, Claire.  I'm not too late, am I?"

His question disturbed her.
 He wasn't the only one with memories of pain, and her hurt was more recent than his.  She answered him honestly.  "I don't know, Julian.  You say that now, but how can I be sure something won't happen to make you retreat again?"

He did not reassure as she expected.
 "That's just it, you can't be."

Dread filled her.
 What was he saying?

"Love doesn't come with guarantees.
 I found that out the hard way.  Never mind the fact that either of us could die at anytime.  Nowadays two out of three marriages end in divorce. The odds are against us.  I can't promise you that everything will be perfect from now on.  We're both human and we’ll make mistakes.  What I'm asking is for you to have the faith that our love will withstand our failings."  He kissed her ear. "Come on, love, take the chance." His voice dropped to a low seductive whisper. "Tempt fate with me."