Chances & Choices (28 page)

Andrea laughed.
 "Oh, Claire, a remark like that makes me realise, I'm really not your generation."

Claire looked a little shamefaced, but answered gruffly.
 "Well, Julian is, pretty close anyway."

"He was only twenty-three when he married Susanna and you must know by now, he's a romantic; he believes in commitments."

"That's what I thought at first, but now I'm not so sure.  I'm not sure of anything.  Maybe you're right and he doesn't still love her, but I can't help feeling Susanna's mixed up in this somehow.  Andrea, he's afraid to love me as much as he loved her.  Is that natural?"

"No, I don't suppose it is, but I don't know what can be wrong, unless..."
 Her brow furrowed.  "Claire, losing a spouse is a devastating experience.  Julian was shattered.  Especially when he refused to believe she would die."

"He refused to accept she was dying!"

This was a surprising revelation to Claire and her tone echoed her feelings.

"Oh, yes.
 It's not unusual.  He was stunned at first, but once he got over that, he just denied it was possible.  I think he really believed if he just loved her enough, he wouldn't lose her."

They were both silent, the memory of past sorrow heavy in the air.
 Finally, Andrea patted Claire's hand.

"I think we've talked about this enough.
 I have some ideas I have to toss around; we'll talk another time."  She brightened.  "Right now, let's go outside and, what is it they say - smell the flowers."

Claire laughed, Andrea's irrepressible gaiety was infectious.
 She had done the right thing in coming to her.  She didn't return to the apartment, staying for dinner at Andrea's.  After dinner she drove home to the beach-house.  Despite her intentions of the previous night, she couldn't stay away.  Her talk with Andrea must have been therapeutic, because this night she slept more easily.

She woke the next morning to the sound of the telephone.
 Groping blindly in the darkened room, she found it and put it to her ear, speaking groggily into the mouthpiece.

"Hello."

"You're not still in bed, are you?"

Her heart leapt with fierce joy and another response even more violent.
 She really was hooked when just the sound of his voice could make her weak with desire.  She tried to keep her voice normal, but she knew it was husky.

"Why, what time is it?"

"Almost twelve.  You should keep the blind open - the sun would waken you."

Claire blinked.
 "Can you see through the phone or something?"

His rich laughter drifted through the phone making her toes curl.
 "No, I just know you."

Do you?
 Do you know how much I love you and the pain your withdrawal from me is causing?

No, he couldn't.
 He wasn't capable of deliberate cruelty.

"How's San Francisco?"

"Cold.”

Serves you right, you could have taken me, I would have kept you warm.

"When will you be home?”

"I'm catching the eight o'clock flight."

No point in asking him if he would like her to meet him; he'd parked his car at the airport.

"Did you get everything taken care of?

Did you miss me?

"Yes, how about you?”

Yes, I missed you like crazy.

"No.
 I got a bit done yesterday, but I spent the afternoon at Andrea's and I'm going out today.  Mary-Jane's throwing a surprise birthday party for Greg."

There was a strained pause and Julian's next words were short and terse.

"Will Blake be there?"

This was unexpected, was he jealous after all?
 The possibility sent a queer thrill through her.

"I don't think so, Mary-Jane doesn't care for him much."

"I admire her discrimination."

"Julian, you hardly know him."

"I know you're still attracted to him or do you deny it?"

Yes, I deny it.
 You're the only man I want.

She stopped before the thought formed voice.
 All's fair in love and war.  It may be the only weapon she had.  Her answer was non-committal.

"I'm married to you, Julian."

There was another pause and then there was a distinct edge to his voice.

"Just make sure you don't forget that fact!"

He hung up before she could answer him.  Claire sat in the dark, the phone still in her hand.  Should she phone him back?  Better not to - she didn't want to risk a fight long distance.  She banged down the phone.  She didn't know why she loved him anyway - he was an unfeeling pig!

If only that were true it wouldn't hurt so much.
 She knew how much she was being denied.

She was the last to arrive at Mary-Jane's apartment.
 Mary-Jane pulled her in and shoved her towards the bedroom.

“It's about time.
 I was beginning to think Greg would arrive before you."

She didn't give Claire a chance to speak, which didn't matter - Claire was speechless anyway.
 Among the roomful of people was Richard's confident figure.

Oh no, how was she going to explain this.
 Giving Julian reason to wonder was one thing, lying to him was quite another.  She squared her shoulders, she hadn't lied, she did think Richard wouldn't be invited.  Would Julian believe her?  She just wanted to stir him up a little, not alienate him completely.

The doorbell rang and they could hear Greg's voice.
 A few people fidgeted and one girl stifled a giggle.  From the living room, they heard the pre-arranged signal and everyone lunged out yelling.

"Surprise!"

Greg managed to act so surprised that even she was almost convinced he had no knowledge of the plan.  He certainly managed to convince Mary-Jane.  Later, when most of the excitement had died down and people had split up into groups, the brunette joined Claire.

"He really had no idea - it was great.
 I wondered a little on Friday.  What did he say to you in the parking lot?"

"Oh, just something about work.
 I'm surprised to see Richard here, I thought you disliked him."

She asked the question as much from a desire to steer the other woman away from an awkward topic, as out of curiosity.
 Mary-Jane wrinkled her nose.

"I do, but Greg doesn't.
 He has deplorable taste."

"Oh, I don't know, he loves you."

Mary-Jane chuckled.  "I rest my case."  But her eyes were glowing, Claire's comment obviously delighting her.

Claire mingled with the crowd talking and laughing, but she felt out of place.
 She knew very few people apart from the magazine staff.  Normally, this would not have bothered her.  She had overcome her awkwardness with new people a long time ago; it was a prerequisite of her profession, so it was not shyness that made her feel ill-at-ease.

The fact was, she didn't really want to be here.
 She wished she were four hundred miles away, in a hotel room, or anywhere else he happened to be, not in this crowded room making small-talk.

She stepped out onto the empty balcony.
 Phew, it was hot.  Taking the pins and the tortoise shell comb from her hair, she let it fall around her shoulders.  The action reminded her of how Julian liked to let her hair down, the comb in her hand a token of his affection.  A longing for him swept over her; the evening seemed so far away.

She jumped when she felt a hand at the back of her neck.
 Had her longing actually conjured him up?  However, when she turned her head, she looked into blue eyes, not those beloved green ones.

"Does your husband make a practice of leaving you to attend social gatherings without him?
 You never did tell me how he reacted to your little act of rebellion."

"What passes between myself and my husband is none of your concern, Richard."

She tried to walk past him into the room, but he effectively blocked her path with his body.

"Everything about you is my concern, Claire."

He bent his head to kiss her, but she moved out of his reach.

"I thought you realised the last time you tried that you no longer hold any attraction for me.
  I’m completely and totally in love with Julian.  I think it's time you accepted that."

She managed to slip past him, but he grabbed her arm in a clasp that made her wince.

"Maybe you love him, but does he love you?  You've been married less than two months and already he's neglecting you.  He's out of town right now, isn't he?  I wouldn't leave you alone like that."

"I wish you would leave me alone.
  Besides, you seem to forget, you left me alone for almost three months without so much as a text or an email, or have you forgotten?"  She had the satisfaction of seeing his face twist in anger.  "So why don't you just leave me alone, altogether!"

She tried to pull her arm away.
 He gave it a twist and then let her go.  With a final glare, she entered the living room and made for the bedroom, rubbing her arm.  Finding her purse, she intended to go out and say her goodbyes when the door opened.  Expecting Richard, she steeled herself, but it was Stella.

"Claire, I'm glad I caught you.
 I wanted to speak to you.”

"Can't it wait till tomorrow, Stella?
 I was just leaving."

Stella closed the door behind her.
 "It's not business and it will only take a moment."

"Alright, what is it?"

Stella didn't speak right away, crossing into the middle of the room instead.  Claire could have sworn she was nervous.

"I know about you and Richard."

Claire's answer was wary.  "I know you do, Stella.  You knew us both in New York."

"I'm not talking about New York."
  She raised her hand at Claire's startled and indignant expression.  "Don't worry, I'm not suggesting you've been unfaithful to Julian.  But I do know you were not indifferent to Richard when he first came here, and that your continued faithfulness to Julian is no thanks to Richard."

"He no longer holds any attraction for me."

"That's quite obvious.  However, I feel I should warn you, he won't be fobbed off easily.  He'll not give up, Claire."

"He'll have to; there's nothing he can do about it."

Stella laughed.  "You really don't know him very well, do you?"

"I know he can be determined, even ruthless.
 I realise now that was part of his fascination, but there really is nothing he can do."

Stella moved closer.
 "Yes, he can be ruthless; he can also be vindictive.  Be careful, Claire.  Don't trust him."

Claire looked at Stella in amazement.
 The other woman was serious.  It was hard to decide which was more amazing - the warning or Stella's concern.

"Thank-you for the warning."

Stella smiled.  It was unlike her usual, bright, professional smile.  It was less full, but it carried a greater impact; it was the first time Claire had seen her smile sincerely.

She left Mary-Jane's apartment a little dazedly.
 Who would have thought Stella was human after all.  But she dismissed her warning; Richard was powerless, he no longer had any hold over her.

It was after five, but she decided not to stop and eat.
 Mary-Jane had laid in lots of snacks.  When Julian got back, she would prepare supper for them both.  Mentally reviewing her wardrobe, she searched for something enticing.  She giggled.  Here she was planning to seduce her own husband.

She was driving past his office building, when on a whim, she decided to drop up to his studio - she had a set of keys -
 mocking herself for the yearning to be anywhere that reminded her of him.  Intent on finding a parking spot, she didn't notice the car that changed direction with her, or it's occupant.

The building was deserted.
 It reminded her of when she arrived back from New York.  This time the door was locked, and she knew when she unlocked it, he would not be leaning against the window.  She flicked on the light switch and walked into the room.

It was filled with reminders of Julian's work - the work that was taking him away from her.
 Or rather, his excuse for withdrawing.  She wrapped her arms around her body.  It had been a mistake to come here, the studio was as empty as the house without him.

"How very touching."

She spun round, her eyes wide.  "Richard, what are you doing here!"

He, walked into the room, closing the door behind him.

"I followed you."

"How very eccentric."

She echoed the form of his own words.  Pulling herself to her full height, she let her arms drop, instinctively squaring up to his advancing figure.