Castle to Castle (49 page)

How much longer will it be? if nothing goes wrong? I figure . . . at this rate at least another two days . . . to Ulm . . . but if they bomb the tracks? . . . and Ulm? . . . suppose they make us get out in Ulm? . . . I wouldn't put it past them . . . if they tell us this train isn't for us! we should hike to Siegmaringen . . . the men on foot! that means us! that the train is only for the kids and pregnant women! and not for us! . . . thirty miles from Ulm to Siegmaringen! . . . I don't see how we could make it . . . especially as it's getting colder . . . not as cold as up there in Prussia, but even so . . . the cold and the snow . . . especially after these kids, these damn savages, had torn off practically all our clothes . . . our muslin and carpets! . . . whole layers! . . . and even our thin suits! . . . right off our backs . . . we're not naked, but down to our underwear! that's what the kids had done! the Fraülein couldn't say anything . . . our thin little shoes would never hold out . . . we wouldn't have any feet left! . . . Oh, I was really scared of Ulm! suppose it wasn't there any more? and no station either? . . . wiped out! . . . it wouldn't be the first time! of course there'd always be the S.S.! . . . and the S.A.! . . . the S-cops! . . . those things always grow up again! they grow on the worst ruins! cops! cops! cops! meanwhile we're moving very slowly . . .
puff! puff!
I can easily see the bulls coming:
"Raus! Raus!"

Ah, I wasn't mistaken, this was it! . . . we were there! . . . we were in the station . . . except there wasn't any station . . . we stop . . . here we are! . . . this is it, a sign . . . but no more Ulm! . . . the sign says ULM . . . and that's all! . . . gutted sheds all around us . . . twisted scrap . . . the houses are nothing but grimaces . . . big chunks of wall . . . enormously off balance, waiting for you to pass underneath . . . the R.A.F. had come back . . . while we were up there . . . they'd wrecked the wreckage . . . okay! are we going to move? . . . is that the stationmaster? . . . big red cap . . . he's coming . . . he looks . . . he looks at us . . . he could tell us to get out . . . no! . . . everybody buttons up . . . even the brats . . . there's no more Ulm, no more station, but that's no help . . . if he stops the train . . . makes us get out . . . no, no! . . . a good guy! . . . "All aboard! . . . Siegmaringen! . . . Constance!" we start moving . . . we're bumping again . . . not a kid has escaped! . . . sheer luck! . . . they were afraid of the stationmaster! . . . I congratulate Ursula . . . "good stationmaster!" . . . we've only got two hours more to Siegmaringen . . . she's got three to Constance . . . she'll be in Constance at midnight . . . with her women and kids . . . one good thing anyway, Ulm is completely razed, they won't come back right away! . . . I hope! . . . there's a slight chance that they'll miss us! No more Ulm! . . . there won't be any peace in the world until all the cities are razed! I mean it! it's the cities that infuriate everybody, boiling tempers! no more music halls, no more bistros, no more movies, no more jealousies! no more hysterics! . . . everybody out in the fresh air! with his ass in the ice! hibernation! a cure for mad humanity! . . .

Anyway we're not there yet . . . we and our train! . . . our car jolts, jumps, and plunges back down like we were riding on cobblestones . . . they must have put on square wheels . . . at least it shows that we're still on the rails . . . if we were on the roadbed, we'd stop bumping . . . and anyway, hell! it can do as it pleases if only we get there! . . . the Fraulein asks me to come with her, to follow her . . . one of the women is in pain . . .. I look her over . . . yes, labor pains are setting in . . . she's no softy . . . not hysterical, she's not putting anything on . . a primapara . . . I examine her . . . but without gloves! . . . no place to wash my hands . . . I've never been so miserable and humiliated, "examining" without gloves! . . . and already dilated what's more! . . . the size of a fifty-centime piece . . . a primapara . . . she's good for four, five hours . . . right away I suggest that the way things are . . . she'd better get off in Siegmaringen . . . I'm equipped for it in Siegmaringen . . . a whole dormitory for maternity cases . . . she's a refugee from Memel . . . she'd join her friends later . . . in Constance . . . after she's had her baby . . . oh, it's all right with Ursula! . . . she'll be alone when we've left . . . all alone with her little hellions! now they're asleep, but they'll wake up at daybreak, and this childbirth in addition? "Oh yes! oh yes!" I should take her with us . . . I'd send her back to Constance! fine! the Delegation put in their two cents worth . . . all the ministers . . . we all agree! they all agree! . . . Restif too! . . . you'll say: but you couldn't see in the darkness! . . . not very well, I admit, but well enough . . . thanks to the littie lamps we got from Switzerland, automatic with rollers . . . they ran by palm-power . . . not festive Illumination . . . no . . . but when everything goes, no more current, no more powerhouse, these little lamps come in very handy! they hold up! a little generator right there in your fist! I'm telling you, in case you haven't thought of it . . . if one of these days you find yourself under myriatons of wreckage, an expiring, bellowing troglodyte . . . a mole! . . . "France . . . all France for a match . . . with Aquitaine thrown in!" nobody'll give you a match! Don't count on it! . . . my "fist lamp" will save your life!

In this train, it's a cinch . . . stepping over things in the jolts, disentangling yourself from all the bodies, trying not to squash the women and children . . . we'd have been sunk without those little lamps . . . The train was still moving . . . oh, very hesitantly! . . .
puff! puff!
but moving . . . we'd be there about midnight . . . we didn't hear any planes . . . we'd make it . . . Restif thought so too! . . . we'd make it . . . so did Fraülein Ursula . . . she'd been pretty nice . . . all things considered . . . she could certainly have had us put out anywhere, thrown us off . . . her first reaction had been pretty cool . . . almost hostile . . . then she'd got friendly, very friendly in fact . , . maybe a little flirtation between her and Restif and Marion? . . . I hadn't seen anything! . . . if we came through it was thanks to the
Red Cross
with its kids and pregnant women! . . . we had something to be grateful for . . . without the kids and the pregnant women and the crates from Sweden, America, and Cuba we'd have starved! . . . as it was, the whole Delegation was sawing wood, jolts or no jolts, stuffed and intertwined, under the pregnant women, cozy and warm! . . . they had nothing but rags left, the kids had everything! but never mind, what they'd put away since Berlin-Anhalt! . . . at least fifty crates! of everything! . . . and nothing but the best! . . . the kids had taken all their clothes! . . . really plucked them bare! . . . muslins, satins, velvets, and their coats and pants! . . . they'd dolled themselves up the same way! . . . some party! . . . the devastation! . . . a cyclone! . . . fifty kids shut up in that box! if we'd arrived in the daytime, we'd have had to wait for nightfall, we couldn't have shown ourselves like that, especially the ministers! . . . but at midnight it didn't matter, there wouldn't be anybody at the station . . . but they'd have to give me a hand getting this lady to the School of Agriculture . . . I tell Restif, he understands . . . the school isn't a stone's throw . . . especially in the snow . . . this woman, as I've told you, was no weakling, but even so . . . I suggest that we carry her . . . she prefers to walk . . . it's almost a mile from the station to the School . . . she'll give me her arm . . . Restif the other arm . . . my expectant mothers are lodged in the School of Agriculture . . .

The train is pulling into Siegmaringen . . . I say to Restif . . . this is all very well, but we've got to wake them up . . . and another thing . . . they've got to make themselves useful before they go back to the Castle . . . they're going to help us from the station to the School . . . through the snow with this woman . . . she's in labor . . . she thinks she'll be able to walk . . . she won't . . . it's pretty near a mile . . . we'll have to carry her . . . they'll help us . . . they can go back to the Castle afterwards . . . plenty of time . . .

The train is moving slower and slower . . . ah, here we are! there's a bit of a moon . . . we won't need our lamps . . . I recognize the station . . . the platform . . . now we've got to get out without the brats starting to yell! and falling out of the train! . . . and my woman of Memel . . . get her down gently . . . the kids aren't in the mood for yelling . . . they're sound asleep . . . let them sleep! . . . don't wake them up! . . . it's cold on the platform and deep snow! . . . it was almost mild when we left a week ago . . . here we are all of us on the platform . . . except the brats who haven't moved . . . oh, but our flag! . . . we'd forgotten it . . . the flag for Pétain! . . . hell, it's rolled up! it's someplace! Restif goes back to the car, he finds the flag . . . he pulls it out from under the kids . . . it's not too badly torn . . . we roll it up again . . . the ministers out there on the platform feel that they haven't slept long enough . . . they don't know we've arrived . . . luckily it's not very light yet . . . they practically haven't any pants . . . the kids have peeled them! it's no time to stand still! . . . I ask the S.A. man on duty to let us out . . . I tell Restif . . . I remembered . . . that we wouldn't hold the flag up in the air, but horizontal! and everybody on the pole! . . . that'll hold us together climbing up to the
Löwen
. . . all the ministers on the pole! and still uphill to the School of Agriculture . . . quite a ways! we told them . . . they're willing . . . they yawn, they stretch, they shiver . . . but let's go! not as cold as Hohenlychen, but even so . . . not the same boreal gale . . . but practically naked like that they've got something to shiver about . . . Luckily Restif leads us . . . he knows the way . . . I know the way too . . . my parturient absolutely refuses to be carried . . . Restif and I give her our arms . . . she complains, but not very much . . . the moon goes behind the clouds . . . we work our palm lamps . . . that's all you can hear . . . the little wheels clicking . . . they've all got one . . . luckily! . . . we look cute . . . like a glowing caterpillar in the snow . . . all those little lamps . . .
zzz! zzz!
. . . in a string . . .

Ah, at last . . . the house, the School! . . . and here's my dormitory for pregnant women! . . . oh, strictly a dormitory, but not at all gloomy, not dark like the
Fidelis
. . . no furniture, just partitions and cots . . . but even so the pregnant women were better off than outdoors or at the station . . . of course they'll keep going to the station, it can't be helped . . . but when we come in, they're present . . . every last one of them . . . I'm surprised to find them all there . . . they see me . . . they're surprised, too! . . . they'd been sleeping . . . right away questions . . .

"Who's she? . . . where's she come from?"

"She's a woman just like you! . . . she's going to have her baby . . ."

"Where? where? . . . is she a Boche?"

"She's going to have her baby here . . . she doesn't speak French, be nice to her . . ."

"She's going to have it right now?"

"Yes . . . yes . . . she'll go to Constance afterwards! . . . she's a German from Memel . . . a poor thing . . . a refugee like you! . . ."

I look them in the eye, I tell them what to do.

"Where's Memel?"

"Up there . . ."

Hold her hands . . . very gently . . . say everything nice they know in German . . . not open the windows . . . tuck her in well . . . so she won't catch cold . . . they know . . . they know all about it . . . some of them are multiparas . . . I figure at least another three hours of labor . . . plenty of time to run down to the
Löwen
for my equipment . . . especially my gloves! I leave them three little roller lamps . . . they're delighted! what luck! they didn't have any . . . they wouldn't give them back! . . . little jokes! okay . . . I leave with Restif . . . the Delegation is waiting for me . . . "Gentlemen, I thank you . . ." they can go home to the Castle, it's all right with me . . . they know the streets . . . it's easy to find the way . . . Wohlnachtstrasse . . . and there's the Danube . . . another turn to the left, the drawbridge . . . oh, but they hold right on to the flag! the Marshal's present . . . in memory of Bichelonne! . . . their mission! . . . okay, okay . . . they know . . . I don't hold them back . . . little boys with bare hairy calves. . . there'll be bronchitis and grogs! . . . they've got everything they need . . . at the Castle! . . . not like me at the
Löwen
. . . God knows . . . I take a little shortcut . . . that town had no secrets for me . . . I'm there in half a second . . . the stairs . . . and there I am . . . I can tell you that Lili was brave, but she was worried all the same . . . I'd left without a word . . . mighty worried! . . . didn't know what to think . . . I explain . . . she understands . . . I'd had to go . . . why, of course! . . . and what about her? what had happened? . . . in the last week . . . ten days . . . oh, people had been looking for me from all over . . . everybody wanted to know where I was . . . what had become of me . . . at the
Fidelis
. . . at the Castle . . . at the
Milice
. . . at the hospital . . . and a lot of other places . . . five . . . ten addresses . . .
Sondergasse . . . Bülowstrasse
. . . . . . I could imagine . . . I'm no fly-by-night, I don't run out on things . . . if I'd gone up there so suddenly, so far and so fast, it was because I had a serious reason . . . I expected to see Gebhardt up there, to catch him on the spot . . .

Everybody has his little secret . . . mine was to ask him to send us to Denmark . . . of course he could have! . . . he had hospitals up there, several sanatoria . . . in Jutland and Fyn . . . I knew . . . Gebhardt didn't like me very much, but all the same, he could have . . . a slight chance . . . our chance! . . . I tell Lili . . . hadn't even been able to see him . . . she understands . . . it was worth trying . . . I tell her about our expedition . . . for the laughs . . . we laugh . . . one more hope gone! she has a lot to tell me but I can't stay . . . I've got Memel! . . . my little Memel . . . I tell her about Memel . . . I've got to get back to the School . . . no use getting there after the baby! she was just about due . . . and all shook up! . . .