Casteel 04 Gates of Paradise (18 page)

"I don't want that much, Drake. I'm not going to be here forever," I said. I saw Tony wince, but Drake nodded emphatically.
"Of course. Good thinking, positive thinking." "I'll be downstairs," Tony said suddenly. "You two visit awhile."
"I won't be long," Drake responded. "Have to get under way."
"This is the list, Drake." I pulled it out from under one of my pillows. I had kept it there because every once in a while something else would occur to me and I didn't want to have to bother Mrs. Broadfield with endless requests for a pen and the paper.
"Mrs. Avery will help you find everything," I told him. He nodded, still studying the list.
"Both charm bracelets? That's all the jewelry you want?"
"I have no use for anything else, Drake. Where am I going?"
"Oh, you might get to the point where you dress up for something. I don't know. Whatever. If I see anything else I think you might want, I'll grab it," he said, folding the paper and shoving it into the inside pocket of his suit jacket. Finally he saw the troubled look in my eyes. "Something's wrong, isn't it, Annie?"
"Oh, Drake," I started to cry.
"Annie, oh Annie." He sat on the bed and embraced me as best he could. "What is it? Did you find out about Luke?"
"Luke?" I swallowed my lump quickly. "What about Luke? Drake . . . tell me." My heart began to pound.
"Well, I was going to tell you, just so you wouldn't worry about why he hasn't called or contacted you yet, but--"
"What!" A knot of terror formed in the pit of my stomach.
"Easy, Annie. Nothing bad has happened to him. After I saw you yesterday, I thought I would go to Harvard and find out what he's been doing. It took me a while to locate him. I found him in the dormitory lounge . . head to head with a coed." He shifted his eyes away so I couldn't read the rest of his thoughts.
"What do you mean, Drake? I don't
understand." I couldn't fight the faintness that took hold of me. It was hard to speak, but I didn't want Drake to see just how hard it was.
"He found a girlfriend, rather quickly, I know, and he was quite involved with her."
"A girlfriend? But didn't he ask about me?" I asked hopefully. It was almost a prayer.
"Oh yes, and then he promised to call Tony today. I asked him about it as we came up the stairway on the way up to you, but . . Luke hasn't called yet. I suppose he will later. For a moment there," he added, looking toward the doorway, "I thought Tony might have sent someone to Harvard to locate Luke for you, and whoever went brought back the same information, which Tony then brought to you."
"No." I turned away. My heart felt like a chunk of cement. Luke, distracted by a new girl, forgot about me? I had lost Daddy and Mommy and now . . now I was about to lose Luke, too? This couldn't be happening; it couldn't be true. If Luke was distracted, it was only because I was sick and away from him, I thought. Once I recuperated, regained my strength and returned, he would lose interest in this coed. No one he met could share with him the things I did. As soon as I walked into a room and he set eyes on me again, our lives would be as they were. I prayed they would. I was determined they would.
"I know what you're thinking, Annie, but you don't understand how exciting it can be for someone like Luke, who has been stuck in a one-horse town all his life, to suddenly come to a place like Harvard and meet different, far more sophisticated people. He got swept of his feet, just like anyone could. You can't blame him for it," Drake added.
I nodded. "I know. I just . . just miss him." I couldn't tell Drake the way I really felt, and I didn't want him to set
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it in my eyes.
"Well, if he doesn't call or appear soon, drag him here myself."
"Oh no, Drake. He must come here on his own, because he wants to, not because he has to. I won't be thought of as some obligation!" That would be the most terrible thing of all, I thought. I'd feel like some burden to him, instead of someone he loved and wanted to be with.
"Of course. I'm sorry," Drake said. He looked away.
"Poor Drake. I didn't mean to shout at you just now. I'm sorry." It seemed Drake was all that was left of my family now . . . Drake and Tony Tatterton.
"Oh, that's all right. But tell me now, Annie. Why did you look so troubled before, if it wasn't because of Luke?"
"Help me sit up, Drake," I said. He got my seat pillow and fixed it so I could be comfortable. Then he sat beside me on the bed again. "Drake, I forced Tony to tell me why he and Mommy had their falling out."
Drake nodded, his eyes unmoving, but a slight smile on his lips.
"I knew you would . . . somehow. Can't hold you down, Annie. You're too much like your mother. Well? What terrible skeleton did you drag out of the closets of Farthy?"
I told him all of it, trying to be fair to Tony by explaining his reasons as he had explained them to me. As I spoke, Drake's face grew gray. Shadows, deep and dark, settled around his eyes. When I was finished, he turned away and remained silent for a long moment.
"Of course," he began, "I don't remember my father all that well. I was only five when he and my mother were killed, but I remember I had this beautiful fire engine, a Tatterton Toy that Heaven had given me, and whenever my father saw me playing with it, he always looked sad.
'You know who gave you that?' he would ask.
"Heaven,' I'd say. Of course, I forgot who she was or what she looked like, but the name stuck with me because he would always reply, 'Yes, Heaven, your sister.' And then he'd smile. There's no question that Tony did a terrible thing, but you are right to point out that my father bears half of the blame for sacrificing his daughter so he could own a circus.
"I think the time has come to forgive Tony, Annie. I loved Heaven almost as much as you did, and I don't think she would hate us for it."
Hot tears burned down my cheeks. All I could do was nod. He wiped away my tears and hugged me. "Now then," he said, standing up quickly. "I'd better get on my way. I want to return by late tomorrow. I'll bring everything directly to you."
"Please give Mrs. Avery and Roland and Gerald my regards, and Drake . . promise me you won't have any bad words with Aunt Fanny. Promise me, Drake."
"All right, I promise. I'll just pretend she's not there, if she is."
"And tell her it's all right for her to come to visit me at Farthy,"
"Sure." He smirked.
"And you're not to say anything nasty to Luke." "Aye aye, commander." He performed a mock salute. "Please be careful, Drake."
"I will, Annie. We haven't got much more than each other anymore."
"Oh, Drake."
He hugged me and then he left. Although the doors were open, it was as if he had shut them and I was locked away. The silence that followed his footsteps was heavy and oppressive. Chilled, I pulled my blanket up around my neck and stared up at the high ceiling.
Luke with another girl, I thought, and even though I tried to keep the images away, I couldn't. I saw him with some beautiful college girl, sitting in the cafeteria, talking. I saw him walking hand in hand over the campus, and I saw him kiss her, hold her the way I had always dreamt he would hold me.
Everything was slipping away, everything I loved. All the world I had known and loved seemed consumed in fires of pain and tragedy. Everything, even my precious magnolia trees, were charred. I was like a small bird, exhausted from a long flight, searching desperately for a safe place on which to alight. But all the branches were burned.
I closed my eyes and dreamed of Daddy, his arms outstretched, waiting to receive me. But when he embraced me, his arms were made of air.
"No! No!" I screamed. I woke up screaming. Tony was at my side.
""11 had a terrible nightmare," I said, expecting he would want me to describe it.
"It's understandable, Annie." He sat on my bed and leaned over to stroke my hair. "After all you've been through, but when you awaken, you will be here, safe with me.
"Anyway," he said, continuing to stroke my hair lovingly, "soon the world will be brighter and happier for you. I have great plans for you. There are so many wonderful things I Want to do, changes I want to make. This place is going to come back to life and you will be the center of it. Like a princess," he added, and I couldn't help but think about Luke and our fantasies. The memory brought a smile to my face, a smile Tony assumed he had put there."
"See, you're feeling better already. Now," he added, leaning over to the night table to get one of my sedatives. "Mrs. Broadfield says you have to take one of these." He handed me the pill and poured me some water. I took it obediently. After he placed the glass back on the table, he leaned over to kiss me on the forehead. "Just close your eyes again and try to remain calm until sleep takes over." He stood up. "Sleep is a kind of medicine all to itself, you know," he explained, obviously speaking from personal experience. "Talk to you later. You all right now?"
"Yes, Tony."
"Good."
I watched him leave. Maybe it was a short time later, Or maybe it was in the middle of the night--I couldn't tell anymore because the sedative had confused me and jumbled up my awareness of time and place--but whenever it was, I thought I opened my eyes and saw a dark, thin, shadowy figure in my doorway.
He approached my bed, but for some reason I wasn't afraid. I felt him stroke my hair gently and then lean over and kiss my forehead. It made me feel safe, and I closed my eyes. I didn't open them again until I was awoken by the sound of Dr. Malisoff's voice.

God morning, Annie. How do you feel?" Dr. Malisoff sat on the bed and Tony hovered a few steps behind him, looking like at expectant father, nervously rocking on his feet, his hands clasped behind his back. Mrs. Broadfield rushed in from the sitting room to bring the doctor a blood-pressure gauge. I struggled to sit up. I had slept deeply, but I didn't feel refreshed, and m
y
lower back was stiff.

"A little tired," I confessed. Truly I felt exhausted, wrung out, but I also wanted the doctor to allow a phone and visitors.

"Uh-huh." He wrapped the blood-pressure cuff around my arm. "Has she been eating well, Mrs. Broadfield?" he asked without taking his doctor's eyes of me. They looked like little microscopes turned on csy face.

"Not as well as I would like her to eat, no, Doctor," Mrs. Broadfield replied like one schoolgirl tattling on another.

The doctor put on a face of reprimand and shook his head.
"I haven't had that much of an appetite yet," I offered in my defense.
"I know, but you've got to force yourself to keep up your strength for the fight . . . Are you relaxing, Annie? You don't look relaxed." I glanced quickly at Tony, who shifted his eyes away guiltily.
"I'm doing my best."
"She hasn't been having visitors and such, has she?" Dr. Malisoff asked Mrs. Broadfield.
"I've tried to keep her quiet," she said without really answering. Why did she take everything so personally? I wondered. Was she afraid she would be fired as quickly as Millie was?
"I see." The doctor examined my legs, tested my reflexes and feelings, looked into my eyes with a small lighted instrument, and then shook his head. "I want to see more progress the next time I visit, Annie. I want you to concentrate more on your recuperation."
"But I am!" I protested. "What else can I do? I have no telephone. All I can do is watch television and read. Only Tony and Drake and Rye Whiskey, the cook, have come to see me." I couldn't keep the shrill sound out of my voice.
"I realize you're in a highly emotional state," the doctor said softly, obviously trying to keep me calm, "but the reason you were brought to this house was so you would have a serene environment, conducive to improvement."
"But what have I done that I shouldn't?"
"It's mental attitude that we need now, Annie. The therapy, the medicine, none of it will work unless you want it to work. Think health; think about walking again, concentrate only on that and give Mrs. Broadfield one hundred percent cooperation, okay?"
I nodded, and he smiled, his reddish-brown mustache curling up at the corners. I didn't tell him about the pain and feeling I had experienced in my legs because there was something very important to be done before I could even think about myself.
"Doctor . . " I lifted my upper body by pressing my hands down on the bed. "I want to be taken to my parents' grave site. I'm strong enough to go, and I can't concentrate on getting better until I do." I didn't mean to sound stubborn and petulant, but I believed it was true.
He eyed me thoughtfully a moment and then looked at Tony. I saw the way their eyes read each other's and saw the slight nod in the doctor's head.
"All right," he said. "One more day of rest and then Mr. Tatterton will make the arrangements, but I want you to be brought right back here and given a sedative," he said after glancing at Tony again.
"Thank you, Doctor."
"And try to eat. You'd be surprised at how much energy a healing body needs."
"I'll try."
"By this time next week, Annie, I want to see those toes moving and I want you giggling when I tickle your feet, understand?" He waved his long right forefinger at me like a parent chastising a child.
"Yes." I smiled and lay back. He nodded and then started out, Mrs. Broadfield and Tony flanking him as he left. I heard the three of them whispering about me outside the bedroom door. They were in conference so long, I thought they might be thinking of returning me to the hospital. Tony was the first to return. He came directly to the side of the bed and took my hand into his. Then he shook his head.
"I'm angry at myself," he explained. "I feel rather responsible for your poor checkup. I shouldn't have permitted you to talk me into telling you all those sad and tragic stories in your parents' old suite yesterday."
"Don't blame yourself," I insisted, but now I was afraid the three of them had changed their minds about the service when they discussed me out in the sitting room. "Tony, you will take me out to the monument tomorrow?"
"The doctor has approved. Certainly, Ill make the arrangements for the service right now."
"Will you invite Drake and Luke? I want them to be there with me."
"I'll do my best. Drake should return from Winnerrow by dinner time tonight," he said, smiling.
"But Tony, you shouldn't have any trouble finding Luke," I cried. How could he even suggest that? And yet, what if Luke was busy with . . . with some new friend? He would miss the call and the message or get it far too late. I wanted him; I needed him. "Drake found him without much trouble."
"I don't suppose there will be any problem," he said. "I'll put my secretary right on it."
"Thank you, Tony. Thank you." He continued to hold my hand even as I fell back against the pillow. I closed my eyes. Even this little excitement made me feel weak and tired. I guess they were right about protecting me, I thought. I was thinking I would rest a little more, but Mrs. Broadfield wasn't about to let me sleep.
"Time I got her up and ready for breakfast," she told Tony. He nodded and released my hand.
"I'll return early this afternoon. Have a good morning."
My morning was the same, except I forced myself to eat every morsel of the breakfast. I didn't want Mrs. Broadfield or anyone coming up with a reason why I shouldn't go to my parents' monument the next day. What if Tony contacted Luke and he was coming and then it was all canceled? His trip here would be canceled. They would certainly forbid him to see me if I couldn't even attend my own parents' memorial service. The thought of losing an
opportunity to finally set eyes on Luke put me in something of a panic. I had to calm myself down before Mrs. Broadfield took note.
After breakfast Mrs. Broadfield performed my morning therapy. I felt her fingers all over my legs, but I didn't say a word for fear that somehow she would use it against me to cancel the memorial service. Whatever pain I now had, I quickly swallowed, making my face as indifferent as possible, and then I spent the remainder of the morning lying in bed watching television. Sometime after lunch, a meal I again finished completely, Tony returned.
"Did you speak to Luke?" I asked him as he came through the doorway.
"No, but I left a message at his dorm. I'm sure he'll call later today, or perhaps he'll just show up at the service. An old friend of mine, Reverend Carter, will lead us in prayer. I've scheduled it for two o'clock."
"But Tony, you should have kept trying until you reached him! Maybe you can try again. Please, Tony!" I begged.
"I'll have someone try again, if I don't. Not to worry, my dear. Please, don't get upset over it."
"I won't," I promised.
Tony seemed surprisingly chipper, most likely because I hadn't decided to leave after his confession.
"You're probably worried about what to wear tomorrow, aren't you?" he asked, completely misreading my look of concern.
"What to wear?"
"You couldn't have a better selection from which to choose," he continued, and went to the closet. He slid open the door to reveal garment after garment.
"There is so much here; Heaven never got an opportunity to wear a lot of it. And the wonderful thing is, everything will fit you!
"Of course," he said, plucking a dress from the rack, "some things were her favorites. I remember she wore this to a funeral once." He held up a black cotton dress with long sleeves and a long skirt and then stroked it lovingly, as if he still saw her in it.
Then he turned to me, that faraway look in his eyes as he recalled a memory.
"Everyone stared at her, mesmerized, when she entered the church and walked down the aisle. Even Reverend Carter looked dazzled. I could see him wondering. Had an angel entered his church to attend the service?" Tony laughed and shook his head. "Just like her mother, black brought out her fairness." He smiled at me. "I'm sure it will do the same for you."
"I'm not worried about how I will look, Tony. I'm not doing this for other people."
"Oh, I know, but it does honor to your mother's and your grandmother's memories for you to wear something like this." He put the dress down on my bed and stepped back, his gaze hypnotically fixed on it. Then he considered me, "You know, Annie, if you died your hair silvery blond, you would be the image of your grandmother." He looked about quickly and settled on one of the pictures in the silver frames that was on the long vanity table. "Wait, show you what I mean." He got the picture and brought it to me. "See?"
It was a photograph of my grandmother Leigh when she was about my age, and I did have to admit that the resemblance was strong, and would be even stronger had I the light hair, too.
"Won't you consider doing it? Just for a diversion, perhaps, to amuse yourself while you're so confined.
I'll get the best hairdresser around to come up here for you. What do you say?"
"Dye my hair silvery blond? Tony, you're not serious?"
"Absolutely. I couldn't be more serious. Imagine everyone's surprise when they come to visit you."
"I don't know." I nearly laughed, but then I looked at my grandmother's photograph. There was something fascinating about her face . . her eyes, her nose, her chin were so much like Mother's and mine. Was this why Mommy had dyed her hair? I wondered.
"There are many pictures of your mother when she had light hair, too," Tony said, as if he knew what I was thinking. He brought me another photo in a silver frame. This one was of Mommy when she and Daddy had first arrived after their marriage. They were down at the private beach. I held the two photographs side by side.
"Interesting, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"When would you want the hairdresser?"
"Tony, I didn't say I wanted to have it done. I don't know."
"You see how beautiful your grandmother was in light hair, and your mother as well. What do you think?" His eyes burned with excitement.
"I don't know. Maybe."
"All this therapy and medicine and solitude can be very boring." He looked about. "Oh, let me do it," he pleaded. "Let me hire the hairdresser. You should feel pretty, like a beautiful young woman again and not like an invalid."
I smiled at his exuberance. It would be nice to feel pretty again. I looked down at the photographs. I imagined that having my mother's hair color when she was about my age would make me feel close to her again. She looked so happy there on the beach.
And my grandmother Leigh . . there was something wildly beautiful about her. The light hair suited her complexion, but would it suit mine?
"Well? What do you think?" he pursued, hovering over me like someone on pins and needles.
"Oh, Tony, I really don't know. I've never thought about dying my hair another color. It could turn out horrible."
"If it doesn't suit you, I'll bring the hairdresser right back to restore your hair to what it is now."
"Maybe after the service, Tony. I don't want to dote on myself right now. Thank you." I handed the photographs back. He was disappointed but nodded with understanding.
"What about this dress?"
"Drake should be bringing me something appropriate. I included a black dress of my own on the list." "Won't you at least try it on?"
I saw how much it meant to him and began to wonder myself how I might look in it.
"I will."
"I'll send Mrs. Broadfield right in to help you. After you have it on, call me," he added, rushing out before I could say another word. I hadn't meant I would try it on right this moment, but he looked as excited as a child on Christmas morning. I couldn't see denying him. A moment later Mrs. Broadfield appeared. She didn't look happy about it.
"It's not necessary to do this right now, Mrs. Broadfield, if you're busy with something."
"If I were, I wouldn't be here." She took the dress of the bed and looked at it a moment. Then she shrugged to herself and came around to help me sit up and slip off my nightgown. After she and I got the dress on me, she helped me into the wheelchair so I could see myself in the largest wall mirror.
Because I was seated, it was difficult to appreciate what I looked like in this dress, but I did think it made me look older. I hadn't taken much care with my hair since the accident, and now that I put on something other than a nightgown, it made me more aware of how terrible I looked. My hair looked dirty, stringy, greasy. The black dress brought out the paleness in my face and the fatigue in my eyes. I nearly burst into tears seeing myself.
Mrs. Broadfield stood to the side, her arms folded, watching me like some bored saleswoman in a clothing store. Helping me on with a dress was obviously not part of what she considered to be her nursing duties. I didn't hear Tony reenter. He stood just inside the doorway, staring. After a moment I felt his eyes on me and turned toward him. His face was enraptured, twisted in that strange smile I had been seeing more and more of lately. Mrs. Broadfield said nothing. She simply left the room.
"Oh, Tony, I look so terrible. I didn't realize. My hair is disgusting. No one said anything, not Drake, not you, none of the servants."
"You're beautiful. You have a beauty that can't fade with time or illness. It's immortal. I knew that dress was right for you; I knew it. You'll wear it, won't you?"
"I don't know, Tony. I won't like myself in anything, so maybe it won't matter."
"Of course it will matter. I'm sure that your mother will be smiling down and thinking how beautiful her daughter has become."
"But my hair," I repeated, holding up a straggly clump and then dropping it with disgust.
"I told you . . . let me send for a hairdresser right away. Look how horrible you feel because of your appearance. I'm not a physician, but I know if we don't feel good about ourselves, we don't improve. In fact, we can get sicker and sicker."
How persistent he was, and yet what he was saying made sense. Was I wrong to think of my own looks at a time like this? Then Tony said something that convinced me.
"Luke hasn't seen you since you were in the hospital. I'm sure he expects you to look somewhat improved."
Luke, I thought, surrounded now by pretty coeds, healthy, happy girls who can walk and laugh and do fun things with him. Maybe he had delayed coming to visit me because he couldn't stand to see me the way I was. I would surprise him; I would look stronger, better, and I would be better.
"All right, Tony, send for the hairdresser, but I'm not saying permit him to dye my hair yet. I think I just want it washed and styled right now."
"Whatever you think." He stepped back. "How well that dress fits you. You will wear it, won't you? You should," he said, nodding, his eyes intense, "being it was your mother's."
Once again-he said magic words.
"I'll wear it, Tony."
"Good. Well now, I've got things to do. That hairdresser will be here if I have to fetch him myself." He stepped closer to me. "Thank you, Annie, for giving me a chance after the things I told you. You're truly a sweet and wonderful person." He kissed me softly on the cheek. "Be back soon," he said and rushed out.