Carter (The Harlow Brothers Book 1) (16 page)

“Cas, get her the fuck out of here before I lose my shit.” I watch as Cason finally does what Caden asks, and a part of me wonders if Cason wanted me to feel the sting of Bethany’s words. I can’t help but feel a wave of sadness, and the guilt trying to consume me. I look down at my feet, blinking back the tears that try to fall. Bethany says something, but I don’t hear her. I block her out as I shut my eyes, trying to forget why the hell I even agreed to come here. I should’ve known it would be a mistake to willingly come with Caden. I don’t think he meant for Bethany and me to run into each other, but it happened and now it’s just something else I need to repair. I can’t stand the thought of her thinking such horrible things about me. She has no idea who I am or what I went through.

“Hey, you alright?” Caden asks as he puts a hand on my shoulder.

I clear my throat and nod as I reply, “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“You know she didn’t mean any of that. She’s just pissed because Carter is acting the way he is. Just ignore her.”

I glance up and say, “She’s right though. None of this would’ve happened if I had handled seeing him earlier better, or never left to begin with.” I lick my lips and shake my head as I add, “She may not like me, but I had a very good reason for leaving when I did and acted the way I did today. None of you understand.”

Caden’s hand on my shoulder tightens, and my heart aches in my chest when he says, “No matter what happened, we’re all still here for you, Shel.”

“You really mean that?”

“Yeah, I do. I know shit went down, and things didn’t go the way we all hoped, but you’re here now so that’s all I care about.” He takes his hand off my shoulder and says, “Let’s go knock some sense into my dumbass brother.”

I nod and follow him down the hallway. I notice the pictures hanging on the walls as we pass by them, and I feel a sense of longing when I see how happy everyone seems in them. I hate knowing I missed all this. I hate not knowing what happened to Carter after I left, and it makes everyone so worried about him now. It took me a long time to get over what happened the day Carter broke my heart. Actually, I never really got over it. It was more of pushing down the sorrow and pretending to be normal. That took two years, and it was a horrible two years.

I almost run into Caden as he stops in front of a door and he turns to me before opening it. “I need to warn you. He’s not going to be himself right now. He might say shit he doesn’t mean, but he needs you.” He sighs and swallows hard then says, “He’s hurting, Shelby. Seeing you today, and then with the huge fight with Mom and Dad later, he didn’t know what to do.”

I glance at the door, as if it’ll hold some sort of answers, but I know this is something I need to do. I have to let go of the past anger, and I need to remember that Carter was once my best friend. Somewhere along the way, I’d forgotten that. “I’ll do my best, but I’m not sure if he’ll even want me here.” Saying it out loud makes my stomach take a dive. It’s true, and my fears of seeing Carter angry still makes me want to run. Maybe this is my test to see how much I’ve overcome, but I still am unsure. Carter was my best friend a long time ago, but he’s not the same person he once was. All I can do is try and if things get to be too much, I’ll leave. Just knowing I have a way out makes my nerves ease by a small fraction.

“He does. He might not want to admit it, but he needs you. When you left the first time, it was really bad, but it’s not my story to tell. I’ll be outside if you need me, okay?”

I nod and watch him as he walks away. I push out a breath, trying to prepare myself for what I’m about to see. My hand shakes as I reach for the doorknob, but I will myself to be strong. I have to make sure Carter’s okay, and hopefully I can talk some sense into him. I turn the knob and the door slowly opens. I cautiously step in the doorway taking everything in. Carter’s room is everything I’d imagined it would be. Dark hardwood floors complete the light gray walls perfectly. There’s a long dresser on one side, and a tall armoire sitting by the wall on the other side of the room. There’s a few paintings to decorate the room, but the bed is what’s holding my attention. It’s a king size sleigh bed, and it’s a little lighter than the floor. But it’s not really the bed I’m taking in. Carter lies on his back with an arm over his face. He’s not wearing a shirt, and I bite my lip seeing his perfectly shaped abs. I have to suck in a breath when he breathes deep, and his muscles contract. I run a hand through my hair, making myself look away. His comforter is tossed on the floor, and I also notice a Jack Daniels bottle on his bedside dresser. Seeing the bottle makes me think of my father and his drinking problem and it adds to my unease, but I force myself to slowly trudge into his room. My hands are still shaking, and my stomach drops when he reaches blindly for the half empty bottle of whiskey.

“Son of a bitch,” he calls out, not realizing I’m here yet. I watch as he knocks the bottle off, spilling the brown liquid on the floor. He huffs out an aggravated breath and slaps both hands on his bed. His eyes are open, but they’re staring up at the ceiling. It’s now or never. I quietly shut the door and move further into his room. When I get closer to his bed, his eyes move to me. “Oh fuck. I must be really shit faced. Now I’m hallucinating.”

I sigh before saying, “I’m not in your head, Carter.”

He frowns, really taking me in and considering my words. “Why are you here then? You made it perfectly clear you didn’t want to see me earlier today.”

Sighing, I sit at the edge of his bed. I think carefully about what to say, but as I look into his deep brown eyes, I realize he needs the truth. “It’s not because I didn’t want to see you, Carter.” He moves up in the bed and I confess, “I didn’t know if you wanted to see me, and honestly I was more afraid than anything. And I’m here because your brothers, and some chick named Bethany are worried about you.” I point to the now empty liquor bottle conveying what I mean. “Obviously, they have a reason to be concerned.”

“They need to stay out of my business and leave me alone. I didn’t ask for their help or yours for that matter.”

I shift a leg onto the bed, and I don’t miss Carter’s gaze as he watches me do so. “I know you didn’t ask for my help, but I’m here now. So you can stop with the asshole attitude because I’m not going anywhere.”

He chuckles as he snaps back with, “You say that now. But you forget. I know you and sooner or later, you’ll run away again like you always do. It’s only a matter of time.”

His words hit a nerve, but I close my eyes remembering what Caden said to me. I know he’s drunk. I know he’s upset and hurting. So instead of proving him right, I stay where I am. I kick off my flip flops, and place my other leg up on the bed sitting cross-legged. “A lot has changed in thirteen years, and I’m not going anywhere, Carter.” I watch as he crosses his arms, and try not to drool as his biceps bulge. I clear my throat, and I don’t miss his smirk as I ask, “What happened today? I know I wasn’t the only one to drive you to drink.”

“Why should I tell you? Not only have you forgotten what friendship means, you literally gave me the cold shoulder. So please excuse me if I don’t want to bare my soul to you.”

“Okay, you want to be difficult, fine. But for once, can you please put yourself in my shoes? You have no idea how much your words hurt me back then and yes, I know it’s been a long time, but just remembering how you told me I meant nothing to you anymore still fucking hurts.” I can’t help but get angry at him. He doesn’t have a fucking clue what those words did to me. They shattered me. They broke me into a million tiny little pieces. He was my world, my everything, and in one second, he destroyed everything we had and everything we shared. We stare at each other for a moment before he finally looks away. I don’t want to place the blame solely on him, but he needs to wake up and see I’m here now. That I’m here for him.

“I am sorry, Shel.” He rubs his face with is hands, and he groans out loudly. I pick at my nails, hoping he doesn’t see what that sexy groan does to me. I start to feel … antsy. “Shelby?” I glance back up at him, and seeing the hurt and regret in his eyes makes my chest hurt for him. “I never wanted to hurt you. I know I fucked up, and I really can’t blame you for not wanting to see me, but you have to realize it almost killed me seeing you today. It hit me all of a sudden that I didn’t have my best friend anymore, and it made me realize how much I’ve missed having you in my life.” He clenches his jaw as he adds, “I never knew how lost I really was until today. Seeing you again, it was as if someone tossed a bucket of ice cold water on me. It made me see how many mistakes I’ve made, and how I can never take any of it back.” I watch him with wide eyes as he moves closer to me, and swallow hard as he takes my hand. My heart is beating rapidly, and my face flushes.

I glance down at his hand on mine, and I still can’t believe how much his touch affects me. If anything, my body is reacting much stronger than it had before, and I realize how much I’ve missed this. His warm touch on my skin. The way my body seems to call out to him for more. I’ve missed him comforting me even when he’s the one who needs it. I glance up at him, and he’s gazing at our hands together. Maybe he does miss it too, not just our friendship. “Carter?”

He glances at me, gazes into my eyes, and says softly, “If I could take it back I would. If I could go back in time, I would’ve never let you leave. I would’ve changed so much, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you how sorry I am. I’ve never regretted anything as much as not having you in my life.” I blink quickly, trying to keep my tears from falling. I know he means every word he’s saying. I can tell he’s sincere, and it pains me knowing I wasn’t there for him. “I don’t expect things to go back to normal between us.” He looks away but quickly looks back. He squeezes my hand as he says, “I’m hoping we can start over, and get to know one another as we are now. I miss my best friend, Shel. I miss us.”

Taking in his words, I really think it over. A part of me wants to say yes. I would love nothing more than to have my other half back, but there’s also another part of me that’s afraid. I don’t know if I can be anything but friends. I don’t know if I have anything else to give him. “I don’t know, Carter. I want us to be friends again, but I don’t know if I can give anything else.”

He nods, but I can tell my words hurt him. He masks it quickly and says, “Honestly, I’ll take what I can get. I’m not asking you to do anything other than what you can. As long as you’re here, I’m okay with that.” He reluctantly takes his hand off mine, and I almost protest, but it’s better this way. Friendship I can do. He moves to get off the bed, and I watch him with curious eyes. “I’m just going to throw on a shirt.” When he fully stands, he sways and blinks his eyes.

“Maybe I should get one for you?”

“No. I’ve got it. That first step was a doozy though.” I laugh loudly and he smiles, shaking his head. He rubs the back of his neck and makes his way to his closet. I stare after him, and notice he has a tattoo on his back. I try to take it all in before he disappears into his walk-in closet. From what I could tell, it’s a heart with a sword through the top. I bite on my nail as I wonder what the barbed wire wrapped around it means. I also noticed how the heart was bleeding. I can’t help but wonder what it symbolizes. I move my hand from my mouth, when Carter reemerges with a gray shirt on. He looks at me, and I see him sigh. Did he think I was going to leave? “Do you want anything to drink?”

“I’m fine.” I move to the headboard and nod to the spot beside me. He quickly makes his way beside me, getting comfortable. I turn and ask, “You want to tell me about what happened with your parents?”

“I think I need another drink before I start with that.”

“I think you’ve had enough for one night.” I snicker when he gives me a ‘what the fuck’ look.

“I’ve missed hearing your laugh. I’m glad you came back, and you came over tonight. Even if I was being an ass to everyone.”

My smile fades at the direction of his words. “I am too and you were a complete dick, but I forgive you.” I scoot down, turning to my side as I pull his pillow under my head.

He grins as he watches me. “Getting comfortable?”

“I can’t help it. Your bed is comfy, and it’s just like old times.” It does remind me of the times I would come over to his house, and we would lay in bed just like this, talking for hours. I hadn’t realized how much I’ve missed being with him. Even if we’re just friends again, I’m enjoying his company and it’s not as painful knowing he’s sorry for the things he’s said or done. I might not be able to completely forgive him, but I know we’ll get there. “Are you sobering up? Cause if you’re feeling sick I’ll go grab you a trash can.”

“No I’m good, surprisingly.” He gets comfortable and moves to his side to look at me and talk. I push the butterflies in my stomach away as he stares into my eyes. “Tell me about South Carolina.”

“What do you want to know?” I don’t miss how he knows that’s where I went but then again, he knew I’d been accepted to the University of South Carolina, too.

“What was it like there?”

I have to tread carefully talking about this with him. I don’t want him to know about my past with Easton. “It was different. Don’t get me wrong, it was beautiful there and I loved all my professors, but it wasn’t home.”

“I know the feeling. I felt the same way being in Massachusetts.” I don’t ask about his time at Harvard Law. That time is still raw since that’s where he was when he pushed me away. Instead, we steer clear of things that might upset us. I tell him about my degree and how much I enjoyed my job. He tells me about the firm and how he’s worried about taking over once his Dad retires. Carter does most of the talking, and I soak up everything he tells me like a sponge. He talks about Bethany a lot, and I try not to let it bother me. I’m not sure why the thought of him with her brings out my jealousy, but I push it down trying to not think of it. He does say over and over how they’re just friends, and I like knowing he’s trying to reassure me. It seems we talk forever, and I find I’m enjoying it. A lot actually. I’ve missed just talking to him and being near him. I’ve also missed his gentle and caring nature. I realize the more he talks, the more I forget about my demons and the past I have. It’s still there, but with him, he makes it bearable.