Calm Like Home (29 page)

The corners of his lips turn up ever so slightly as he recalls the memory; I almost hate myself for letting him go on. I watch his expression shift, becoming darker as he continues.

“It started out he just kept getting sick. He was constantly getting these infections. But even when he was sick he was happy, always smiling and laughing. It never held him back so my parents didn’t think too much of it. It wasn’t until he started saying his bones hurt that they got worried and took him in for blood work. That’s when they found it. Leukemia.”

He says the last word in disbelief, as if he still doesn’t understand how it happened.

“Things moved pretty fast after that. They started him on drugs to manage it, but after a while he stopped responding and went into a blast crisis. The doctors told us a bone marrow transplant was his last chance. They tested all of us and I ended up being the only match. I couldn’t have been more excited.
I
was going to be the one to save him. My mom even got me this stupid Superman shirt I wore to the hospital practically every day.”

He shakes his head slightly at the memory. His face is grave and my stomach turns. We’re still standing in the doorway and I lean into the wall to steady myself as he goes on. His voice is raspy now, low in his throat.

“They had to do another round of chemo and radiation right before the transplant to get rid of all his bone marrow so it could be replaced with mine. All the drugs and needles and tests sucked the life out of him, finally stole his smile. I remember sitting with him, day in and day out, hoping he would get better, willing my marrow to please help him get better, and listening to the incessant beeping of those machines letting me know he just wasn’t. When they tested him again, they found both his cells and mine. The one thing I could give him wasn’t working. I couldn’t make him better. I couldn’t save him.”

It breaks my heart to imagine a younger Adam, all brown eyes and dark hair waiting by his brother's hospital bed, wanting his friend back and feeling so powerless and guilty for not taking his sickness away. I want so badly to reach for him now, to take him in my arms and shower him with love, but I just stand there, watching him stare at the floor, not knowing where we stand. The sadness I’ve previously seen flick across his face is now etched in every line, every contour. For the first time he doesn’t bother to tuck it away.

“He finally got one last infection and couldn’t fight it off. It was right before Christmas when he let go.” His voice is a hollow whisper. “After that we were never the same family again. It completely changed us. We didn’t know what to do if we weren’t fighting for Isaac. My parents threw themselves into their work, like if they somehow worked hard enough, long enough, they could still save him or forget him or both. And I was just
so
angry
.”

The emotion flashes across his face as he recalls that dark time.

“I was angry with myself for not saving him, angry with the doctors for letting him die, angry with my parents for not catching it sooner, angry that it was him and not me in the first place. I was angry with everyone all the time. I just felt this rage. It boiled up inside me, made it so I couldn’t think, couldn’t sleep. I wanted to fight everyone, all the time, take on the whole world. My parents thought boxing might help. You know, put all that rage into something productive. And it did. I spent all my time at the gym, hours on end every day, letting go, letting all that anger and grief wash out of me.”

His voice trails off and he looks down at his feet.

“I try
so hard
to act the way I think Isaac would, to keep him alive in me, but I still feel that rage, Lex. It’s like it became a part of me, it’s always been right below the surface, waiting to explode out of me. Then you came along and for once I wasn’t pretending. You have always brought out the good in me. You don’t even have to say anything. Being in the same room is enough.”

His eyes flash to mine. They look so honest, so naked and exposed. Every fragmented piece he's ever given me falls into place and I suddenly understand. This is why he never wanted to be at his parents’ house, why he was so into the frat boy partying lifestyle, why he’s so good at tucking his emotions away. He’s been perfecting it for years.

I feel the tears in my eyes and I can’t help myself. I reach out and grasp his hand, pulling it into mine. His eyes flick to my hand in surprise and I hope I haven’t overstepped his boundaries, but then he’s pulling me into his arms and I think I might die from the pure ecstasy of finally being back where I was always meant to be.

He breathes against me, deep and ragged. “Being with you makes me the happiest I’ve been in a very, very long time. Being with you is more family than I’ve had in a very long time. You give me something I haven’t found anywhere else, that calm like being home. Alexa, you are home to me.”

Epilogue

Love has the power to draw you out, to break you down. It burrows deep inside, past all the ugly insecurities, past all the bright intentions of the soul, nesting, festering. Love annihilates fears and self-doubt just as easily as it feeds on them, breathes new light into them. Love can open your eyes and blind your heart. It can force you to feel more than you ever thought possible, sending you soaring, floating, to carefree highs. It can plummet you to unspeakable, dark lows, from which you think you'll never escape.

Adam’s love, in its simplistic beauty, in its stunning depth, was all those things and more. He brought me to the edge of my own apprehension, the edge of who I thought I could be. He swung the pendulum of my life so far outside my comfort zone I thought I might never recover. He made ruin of my middle ground. He taught me a thing or two about letting another person see all of you. The good. The bad. The ugly hidden truth obscured beneath an outgoing or even veneer.

But beyond that, Adam forced me to see inside another human being. Forced me to see him for who he truly is, all the good, all the playful levity, all the generous care. Our love allowed me to see past so much darkness, so much blame, so much guilt that could never be erased. It allowed me to see the true Adam, see that he is burning love, he is aching desire, he is desperate loneliness all wrapped up into one beautiful human being
.

And in the end, Adam’s love changed me in every way possible. He drew out lighthearted buoyancy, he drew out pathetic insecurity, made me question everything I knew to be to true about myself. He opened my eyes, woke me up to life, in all its luster, in all its despair. And together we've come to realize we are more than the sum of our individual parts. Together we are better, together we can overcome. Together we are bold, we are fire, we are so much more.

There are two swift knocks on my door and everything is right again. Everything is whole. Everything is
okay.
I let the door creep open, slowly revealing his smiling face, those deep brown eyes, that smile. God, that smile.

He bites his lip, his eyes radiant as they connect with mine.
Finally
, they are connecting with mine. Then he’s all around me, hands and cheeks and lips all brushing.

There is so much love in his kiss. It bridges distance and time, bridges quiet and insecurity, bridges all the things we still can’t bring ourselves to say. In his kiss there is light and laughter, there is depth and there is beauty. All in a single kiss from him.

Adam and I meet Annabelle and Damien at The Berg. We walk in together, me snuggled under his arm, both our smiles wide. I catch Marcus's eye at the bar and I know he understands. He and I have never talked about that night at Annabelle’s, but I think he's known what it was, that it wouldn't happen again.

Damien groans at the sight of us cozied up and blissful. Sensing the spotlight, Adam leans in and kisses me deeply, putting on a show.

We reach them at the bar and Damien playfully punches Adam’s arm, asking, "How do her tonsils taste?"

Annabelle howls with laughter at Damien’s quip. They both like to give us a hard time but it’s evident in their smiles they’re happy we worked this out, that we are stronger than ever.

Two soft kisses and Adam’s brown eyes. That's what I woke to today. I swear my heart rejoiced at the sight, the warm recognition spreading through my lungs and radiating out through my smile. Sweet love. He is here. He is mine. He is never letting go.

He winds our fingers together and pulls me onto his chest. He kisses each corner of my mouth, my grin widening, eyes beaming. He nuzzles his face to mine, our noses aligning, lips brushing, eyes meeting.

“Morning, love,” I whisper.

“Morning, angel bear.”

His beautiful words, his beautiful soul, God, I love it all. And I tell him, my eyes beaming into his.

“You are amazing, Adam. You are the single best person I know. You fill my whole heart up.”

He smiles, broad and beautiful, and I don't know how I ever anticipated any other reaction, don't know why I was ever afraid when this is the reward. Adam’s arms wrap me up, pull me in, his hands cradling my head to his chest.

“Beautiful girl, you are the light of my life.”

He kisses the top of my head, firm and furious, three times. And with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, I know there can never be any truer joy, any greater love than what we've found in one another.

“Hey, Lex?” His voice has a tinge of hesitation; it's just a tad raw. “There’s somewhere I've been needing to go. Will you come with me?”

I smile and take his hand, kissing his knuckles, his palm, his wrist. “Always.”

He's quiet during the drive, his fingers only leaving mine to shift gears. Finally he puts the car in park and steps outside. It's a cool, crisp day despite being early spring. He comes around to my side of the car and takes my hand. His eyes don't look sad like I expected them to. They bore into me, full, deep, and true.

“I love you, Alexa.”

My lips lift into a smile, still loving the way it sounds leaving his mouth. Beautiful. Perfect.

“And thank you,” he adds.

Then we turn and walk hand in hand into the cemetery.

A note from Kaisa Clark:
Thank you so much for reading
Calm Like Home
. If you enjoyed this book please consider leaving a review and always feel free to message me via social network. I love connecting with readers!