Calm Like Home (22 page)

Those last miles are agony, until finally, four, three, two more exits, then at last I’m pulling off the highway. I take the opportunity to text Adam, letting him know I’m close.

When I pull into the parking lot he comes rushing out the door of the house, shrugging against the cold. He’s already dressed for the night in pressed slacks and a pale blue dress shirt and tie. The light blue contrasts perfectly with his dark features. He looks stunning. In an instant he’s wrapping me in a hug, folding me into his chest, clutching me tightly to him. I tuck my face into his neck, breathing in that familiar scent, feeling whole again.

“You're finally here,” he whispers into my ear. His voice sounds so relieved, so solemn, lacking all traces of his usual exuberance. I lean back, taking him in, hating the strain I see reflected in his eyes.

He clutches my hand firmly in his as he grabs my bag and carries it upstairs for me. When we reach their room it is already crowded with people dressed for formal. Damien catches sight of me as I come through the door.

“A-lex-uhhhhhh!” he booms and wraps an arm around my shoulder. He quickly introduces me to the rest of the people congregating in their room before Adam tugs me after him to his bedroom to change. As soon as the door is shut, Adam is on me, fitting his body against mine. His expression is serious, deep with longing and something else. It’s so obvious something is weighing on him, but I can’t begin to know what.

He breathes my name and cups my face in his palms. His eyes don’t stray from my face. They are tender and intense at once. He drags a finger along my lower lip. I still his hand with my own and kiss his thumb, then trail my tongue along its length. I watch as his eyes grow hooded, the sensation washing over him, hoping that whatever it is that is on his mind, I can take it all away just by being here.

I release his hand and take my time undressing. I start with my shirt. Annabelle made me wear a button-down so as not to run the risk of messing up my hair. I undo each button with painstaking care. Adam reclines onto his bed, watching each move my fingers make with rapt attention. When I’ve undone each button I slowly shrug the shirt off my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. His eyes move over my chest and stomach. With his attention still fixed on me, I slowly edge my pants down over my hips, exposing a lacy pink thong with ribbon ties on each hip. His mouth falls open as I step out of the pant legs, one foot then the other, and kick them to the side. I slowly draw my fingers up over my hips, glide them over my bare stomach, trail them over the cups of my lacy bra. When I reach my shoulders, I drag each strap to the side, letting them cling to the tops of my arms. I turn and lean against Adam on the bed so he can unclasp it. The bra slowly slides forward, down the lengths of my arms, then drops to the floor. I turn to face him, straddling his hips on the bed, and kiss him as gently as I can manage. I pull my tongue along his top lip, savoring the taste of his mouth on mine. A firm hand grips the back of my head, caressing down to my neckline.

“What are you doing to me?” he whispers against my lips.

I lean back and bat my eyes at him innocently. “I’m just getting changed, Adam.”

He pulls me back to him. “Right,” he mumbles between kisses.

A loud rap sounds on the other side of his door. “Dude! Hurry the fuck up in there!” Damien bellows.

“He’s such a cock block,” I whisper in Adam’s ear.

“Tell me about it.” He locks eyes with me and a hint of a smile edges out, the first since I’ve arrived. “But it was worth it to hear you say
cock
.”

I reluctantly extract myself from Adam’s grasp and step into my dress. When I turn around, he’s staring at me, still perched on his bed. “Beautiful girl,” he whispers.

“You look pretty hot yourself, Mr. Westbrook.” I say the words lightly, hoping to draw him out, to see one more smile.

He takes my hand and leads me out of his room, where Damien is pouring shots at the coffee table. “You both in?”

Adam nods once, his face completely stoic. I can’t help peeking up at him, wondering what is on his mind.

“Well get ready, because we’re lighting these bitches on fire.”

“What?” My attention snaps back and I look to the girl standing closest to me to see what she’ll do.

She catches my eye and shakes her head. “Not ours, D. I’m not trying to light my hair on fire before we go. I’ve got enough hairspray on to torch the whole house.”

He scowls in our direction. “Pussies.”

Damien passes out shots to all the girls then flicks the lighter over the guys’ shots. Blue flames spike into the air.

Damien raises his shooter in the air, calling out, “Formal! Fuck yeah!”

I throw my shot back and watch Adam quickly suck the contents of his shot through a plastic straw before it catches on fire. He tosses the straw in a nearby trashcan and turns to me, forcing a smile. “Do I still have my eyebrows?”

I grin back at him. “Handsome as ever.”

I follow Adam down to the street where the brothers and their dates are piling onto two massive party buses. When we arrive at the club they’ve rented out for the night, Adam leads me straight to the dance floor. I face him, pressing my body into his. I feel the rhythm in his hips, in the way he flows with the beat, in the way his fingers tap against me in time. I link my arms around his neck, leaning back, pinning my hips closer to his. I let him move me, let him pull me along with him. I feel his breath on my neck and his fingers on my waist and the whole time I can’t help thinking, this is how it always should be: us within arm’s reach, blocking out the whole world.

In a break between songs, Adam makes a trip to the bathroom. I head to the bar in the corner to get us some drinks. Damien spots me waiting there and saunters over.

“Boy, am I glad to see you,” he sighs, leaning against the bartop by my side. I can tell from his tone he’s trying to come off as playful, but it isn’t quite right. His voice is a tinge serious. “Adam’s been driving me fucking nuts.”

“That bad, huh?”

“You have no idea.”

I wonder what he means, what he’s alluding to. What does Adam have to do to drive Damien of all people nuts, when they seem to be perpetually attached at the hips?

“And you think I can help?”

“You’re my only hope, Alexa,” he laughs.

He scans the room, his expression turning serious. As his eyes land on Adam returning from the bathroom, he smacks my arm with a drink menu. “But really, I’m counting on you. You better give him some serious cuddy tonight. Change your life cuddy. He needs to chill the fuck out.”

Adam joins us, giving a quick nod to Damien and another brother who is standing nearby. His usual lighthearted grin is nowhere to be found. His eyes lock on mine and he reaches for my hand, tugging me back towards the dance floor. Whatever it is, whatever is weighing on his mind, I hope I can be enough to drive it away. I press my body into his, hoping to push all my love and support directly into his chest, knowing that for whatever reason, he needs it now more than ever.

When we arrive back at the house that night, Adam leans in to whisper in my ear.

“Time to get you out of that dress.”

Finally I’m catching a glimpse of
my Adam
. Wanting to prolong the playfulness between us, I step back, just out of his reach, and give him a coy smile. He slowly licks his lips and looks off to the side like he’s retreating, then he lurches towards me, grabbing for me with a mischievous grin. I shriek and jump out of the way, just fast enough to evade him once more. He chuckles in a
challenge-accepted
sort of way and comes after me. I sprint up the steps ahead of him. He’s much faster than me and catches up to me at the top. He slings me over his shoulder and I squeal with delight as he carries me towards his room, finally collapsing on his bed.

I grip his tie and tug him closer, until his lips brush mine. As we kiss, my fingers work through the knot and fumble with the buttons of his shirt. He takes his time with my dress, hanging it over his desk chair when he’s finished peeling me out of it. Then he pulls me over him and my body slowly begins to move over his. I breathe out his name, feeling him thick in my chest, feeling him curl my toes. He’s all I see, he’s all I think, he’s everything I ever want to know. When his eyes flick to mine, alight with fervent need, it’s my undoing. Just like that I’m putty, melting all around him, my head in the clouds, my heart on the floor. I fall slack against his chest and feel him moving around me, laying me back. His touch is gentle and when I finally look up at him I’m greeted by his satisfied smile at what he’s reduced me to.

The first thing I see the next morning is Adam, his brown eyes staring into mine. He gives me a slight smile and kisses my forehead.

“My sunset,” he whispers with reverence. He rests his head back on the pillow, his eyes meeting mine. They’re deep and contemplative, and I wonder what’s on his mind.

“Are you okay, babe?”

I kiss his cheeks, his nose, his forehead. I press him closer to me, wanting to expel everything dark and heavy until all he feels is love.

He presses his nose to my hair and sucks in a deep breath. “I’m great when you’re here.”

“And what about other times?” I ask softly, my face tucked into his chest.

“You, my bear, make everything better.”

I love that my being here makes a difference, but I hate the implication that things are so much worse when I’m gone.

“I’m tempted to keep you here, to not let you leave,” he whispers.

“That doesn’t sound too bad. Who cares about school when I have someone special to keep me company?”

He eyes spark to life at my words and I quickly look away, my heart thundering in my chest, realizing that I’m tiptoeing around a precipice, coming shockingly close to revealing my own truth. That I love him more than words can convey. That he is everything to me.

He must see it written on my face, because the light in his eyes spreads to his lips. He’s grinning now, his whole face lit up at the sight of my discomfort.

“You know someone special, bear? Someone you care about a whole lot?” he asks wryly, raising his left eyebrow and staring at me with those dark eyes that melt me. “Just how much do you care about that person?”

I meet his eyes, knowing that he knows what I’m alluding to, seeing the joy in his eyes at what I’m about to say. I swallow hard, feeling the usual claw in my chest, the terror at saying it out loud, but I know this is the time to do it. I’m already naked; I might as well bare it all. I take a deep breath and hold his gaze. Now that I’ve made up my mind, I refuse to look away.

“I love you, Adam.” I say the words slowly, knowing it’s the truth, has been the truth all along. I think I’ve known since the very first drive in his car. Maybe I knew the first day we met. He is love. He is all things beautiful and bright and whole. He is all the good in him; he is all the good in me.

He presses me into his chest, furiously kissing my hair, my cheeks, my lips. “I love you too,” he says contentedly. “I love you so effing much.”

It feels like dawn, it feels like waking up, it feels like the entirety of my life has been leading my up to this. From the very day I was born, just one day after him, I was marked for him, his perfect match, his continuation, just waiting to be found. My body was formed in alignment with his, with our matching moles, and our deviated septums, and a nine-tooth smile that only he would notice. From the moment I first breathed air into my lungs, every decision, every choice I ever made brought us together, brought us to this very moment of hearing the most beautiful and perfect words leave his lips. And I wonder if all the bad and all the good and all the middle ground was supposed to happen just so we could get to this place of finding perfect peace in each other.

He holds me, close, clutched, firm, basking in this newfound tranquility, until his stomach growls and he says, “Come on. Let me take you to lunch.”

“Oooh, a lunch date. I like!”

“Or two people eating a meal at the same time,” he replies dryly.

I jab his side. “You think you’re so funny, huh?”

“No, but you seem to,” he chuckles, making a quick grab for my hand and kissing each of my fingers with exceptional care.

We dress quickly. I don’t bother with makeup since the lighting in his room is terrible and the bathrooms on this floor are basically urinals and sinks on walls. We drop my bag in my car then take Adam’s car downtown. He leads me hand in hand to a tiny café that serves hot sandwiches and large mugs of coffee. He watches me over the table as I sip from my oversized coffee cup.

“What are you looking at?” I grin sappily at him from across the table. “Do I have whipped cream on my face or something?”

He smiles back. “No, just soaking you in.”

“So Adam, are you coming back for Thanksgiving break?”

His lips curl deviously. “Did you want to see me or something?”

“I’d like that very much.”

He nods and looks down at his plate. “First time ever I’m actually excited about coming back for Thanksgiving break.”

“And why is that?” I ask, keeping my tone light.
Come on, Adam,
I silently implore.
Tell me why you don’t like to come back.

“I get to see you, silly.”

Damn!
Side-stepped like a pro.

“I thought maybe it was the turkey.”

He chuckles and takes a long sip of his coffee. “Well obviously that too.”

After we finish our lunch, Adam drives me through campus, pointing out all the buildings he has classes in. The trees are weeping; orange and yellow and red leaves cascade to the ground as the wind blows. I imagine him walking to class, hands in pockets, cheeks flushed against the cold. I take his hand from the stick shift and he smiles over at me, peacefully serene.

He finally pulls his car into the parking lot and walks me to mine, his arm around my waist. He pulls me to him by the ends of my scarf and leans in to kiss me. His eyes bore deep into my own and I can’t help but look back at him with such tremendous awe, knowing without a doubt I’ve been completely transformed by everything he is. He’s permeated my entire being.