by Reason of Sanity (29 page)

In Handelmann’s case, he leads me to believe that he’s willing to spend the fifty thousand for our fee because against his advice, the clients are ordering him to do so – they want to get out now, not two weeks from now. This sounds reasonable, but I know why. Two weeks from now, they will be many miles from here planning their next bank job. And they’ll be a lot richer, having split what they think will be three quarters of a million dollars – the change received from their insurance draft.

I have to give Handelmann credit; he’s a strong negotiator. He bargained my bail bond fee from fifty thousand down to thirty-five thousand.

Now that I’m pretty sur e he’ll be giving me that insurance draft, my next move is to get Indovine and his insurance company client into the courtroom next Thursday. If I can get them there too, then I can personally hand his client the draft and be the hero. I don’t want to leave anything to chance, so I call the Uniman Insurance Company and ask to be put through to the boss.

Just like all other large organizations, there are many levels of people who try to screen people from getting to the boss – only letting those through who they think are important enough.

I’ ve had enough of those Dilberts, so I cut right through them. The call is made. “Hello, this is Uniman Insurance, how can I direct your call?”

“I have a one-point-three million dollar draft from your company that I’d like to give back to you as a gift. Please connect me with Mister Uniman’s office.”

That should get her attention. Let’s see how many schmucks I have to talk to before Uniman takes the call. I’m lucky today – only two other executives. The last one is especially snotty. He must be related to the boss. No employee who fears getting fired would ever talk to a stranger like that.

I finally convince him that I’m for real and after staying ‘on hold’ for about five minutes, the old man takes the call. “Uniman here, what’s this about a draft of ours? We have legal counsel – you should talk to them. I’m giving you back to my secretary. She’ll give you their telephone number.”

I’ve got to make him und erstand exactly what’s going on and I don’t think he’ll give me much time to do it, so I take my best shot. “Mister Uniman, this is attorney Peter Sharp. I believe you were in Mister Charles Indovine’s office the last time I called there and he ignored my plea and advised you to settle that wrongful death case on Drago. Well, he was wrong and I was right. If you’ll be in court next Thursday at one in the afternoon, I will be there to personally return that settlement draft back to you. The case will be closed and no further claim will be made.”

A few seconds passes by while I hear him sputter. I go on to tell him a little more about how I brilliantly managed to save him the money. “The lawyer handling the case put in a fraudulent claim. I’ll tell you all about it next Thursday when I see you in court. And oh, by the way, there are two things I want you to bring with you. Number one, I’d like Charles Indovine to be there with you. If he wouldn’t have been so pompous and had given me the chance to present the evidence I had, you would never have had to settle this case in the first place and you would have saved all the legal fees you paid to Indovine’s firm - and also a check for one-hundred- thirty thousand dollars made payable to me, as a ten percent fee for recovering your money. That’s the second item.

“And while we’re at it, if you’re as great a businessman as they say you are, you’ll also bring along one of your standard defense retainer agreements because notwithstanding the way I’ve been treated to date, I’d still like to work with you on a special assignment basis.

“Can I count on seeing you there next week – with Mister Indovine and my check and retainer?”
He gives me what’s called a ‘grumbling acceptance,’ so it looks like we’ll have a full cast in attendance. I’m sure that Special Agent Snell will be there too, because he’s the main man in the Attorney General’s case. I’ve let Myra and Lieutenant Evans know that when they grab Handelmann in court, to only tell him that he’s being arrested for insurance fraud. Evans agrees with me that if Snell hears anything about a murder conspiracy, he might grab Handelmann as his own prisoner, for being a part of the robbery gang. That wouldn’t be good for Evans and Myra, and it certainly wouldn’t be good for me, because it would take all the wind out of my sails for getting that twenty-five grand for the third outstanding member of the gang. It would be tough to claim a reward for giving Snell someone who he already had in custody.

My next hurdle is the court. No judge likes surprises in the courtroom. Uniformed officers, detectives, a County prosecutor and a news crew all traipsing in for the arrest of an attorney during the middle of a Federal Court Motion Hearing definitely qualifies as a surprise. Having handled a few federal criminal matters, I know from personal experience how carefully they guard the constitutional rights of defendants, so I might as well use that premise as a way to get them on my page. I call the Federal Court and make an appointment to come in and speak to the judge of the courtroom where Handelmann will be making his appearance. I first have to convince the judge’s clerk that in no way will I be discussing the merits of the case he’ll be hearing. No judge will allow any person to come into chambers to discuss anything about a case unless all counsel involved are present. For this conference, I absolutely don’t want the defendant’s counsel there – and would rather not see Snell there either.

Fortunately, my explanation to the clerk about the fact that Handelmann will be arrested brings about a nice solution. Court normally starts its afternoon session promptly at one o’clock. On the day of Handelmann’s appearance, the judge will refrain from taking the bench until fifteen minutes after one. This will give me a few minutes to get the insurance draft and allow Evans and Myra the opportunity to grab up Handelmann before court officially becomes ‘in session.’

By doing things this way, the whole event is not placed on the official court reporter’s transcript and when the judge does come out to take the bench at one-fifteen, he can handle it merely as a slight change of plans due to unavailability of defense counsel. A continuance will be granted so that new counsel can be retained and the case goes on as usual. I like this arrangement. It means that by one-thirty that day I can be having lunch with Myra and also be over a hundred grand richer. I won’t mind picking up the tab.

Acting District Attorney Seymour calls. After his secretary lets me know that he wants to talk to me, I wait on hold for a few minutes for him to actually pick up the phone and start a conversation. Why can’t these executive jerks just pick up the phone and call someone themselves? He finally comes on the line. “Hello, Mister Sharp, I wonder if you could please come to my office. There are a few details I’d like to discuss with you.”

“Mister Seymour, I don’t have any open cases with your office, so you’ll have to give me an idea of what’s on your mind.”

“It’s about your ex-wife and her candidacy for my office.”
“Actually, it’s not your office – you’re just filling in temporarily, but if you really want to talk to me, I can be there next Thursday at about eleven in the morning. I have some business in Federal Court that afternoon, so I’ll be downtown.”
Pompous ass that he is, he grudgingly agrees to wait another couple of days for my appearance at his office. I have no idea what he wants to talk to me about, but I’m growing less and less fond of this guy every day. I think I should have some ammunition when I go to his office, so I prepare a file, hoping that it won’t be necessary to use it.

There’s one reporter who has steadily been following me on my cases. She’s aggressive but can be cooperative when the situation requires it. The tough part is convincing her that the situation requires it. I make arrangements to meet her for lunch at the Jamaica Bay Inn Coffee Shop to make her an offer that I hope she can’t refuse.

During lunch I explain to her that there will be an in-court arrest made of an attorney, who will be charged with a felony. She starts to salivate, immediately pressing me for more details. I lay out exactly what I want and how I’d like it to be handled. ”Here’s what you get. An exclusive on the in-court arrest of a prominent criminal attorney and an exclusive interview with the prosecutor.”

“So, what’s the catch? Seems straight forward to me”
“You’re right, it is straight forward, except that there’s a small transaction that’s going to go down about thirty seconds before the arrest and I don’t want it covered that day.”
“Oh no, if it’s news, I have to get it. The people have a right to know…”
I interrupt her standard reporter’s line of constitutional bullshit. “Yeah, yeah, I know all about the people’s right to know but the people also have a right to have the bad guys convicted without the case getting screwed up by a nosy reporter. During those thirty seconds, the lawyer will be handing me an envelope. What’s in the envelope is the basis of his being arrested. If he sees reporters and a camera crew, he’ll know something’s going on, and I won’t get the envelope. If I don’t get the envelope, there’ll be no arrest for you to put on the evening news – so here’s the deal. You and your crew will be waiting down the hall in front of another courtroom door. Our court session is supposed to start promptly at one in the afternoon. I’ve made arrangements with the judge and the court staff to have the session delayed fifteen minutes, so that the arrest can be done off of the record. This means that since the court won’t officially be in session, you guys can come in with your cameras, as long as you follow the cops and the perp out into the hall and clear the courtroom by a quarter after one because that’s when the judge is coming out to take the bench.
“As soon as this lawyer hands me the envelope, a plain-clothes detective sitting in the back row of the spectator seats will open the hallway door signaling the uniforms to come in and make the bust. You already know in advance that it’s okay to follow them in with the camera because I’ve arranged for the judge not to be on the bench. You get your footage, you get your story and as a bonus, you get an interview outside on the steps with a political candidate – and don’t ask me who – you’ll see when you get there. And in case you’re curious, that interview will also inform you what transpired thirty seconds before you got into the courtroom and what was in the envelope.
“Do we have a deal?”
This is the fastest ‘yes,’ I’ve ever gotten from a female. She even lets me know that she’s picking up the tab for our lunch. Knowing that the television station is buying, I order an extra tropical drink that contains Kahlùa and Bailey’s Irish Cream. It tastes like a chocolate milk shake and I don’t realize how powerful it is until we leave the table and someone points out to me that I’m walking on my knees.
There are only a few days before my grand performance in Federal Court. This is exciting. I’m finally going to reach my star potential and like a true martyr, I’ll be stepping aside and letting Myra take all the credit. She won’t be getting any part of my hundred and thirty grand, but I’m sure that the oncamera time means more to her. The publicity she’ll get will be worth more than my reward check from Uniman and it’ll also probably get her elected. Damn I’m good!
The only unknown remaining is what Acting Putz Seymour wants to see me about. It’s tough to figure guys like that because I can’t think like them. They’re sociopathic sleazeballs and I refuse to try and get into their heads.

t’s Thursday, the day of the big show. I feel like a Broadway producer on the opening night of his new play. Next time I bump into Neil Simon, I’ll be sure to tell him that I understand what it feels like. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know that I’m just like him.

I’m supposed to pick Myra up at noon, so I’ve about a half hour max to devote to my meeting with Seymour – and even less time than that if he makes me cool my heels in his outer office waiting for him.

I approach his secretary at about 2 minutes to eleven and make sure that she lets her boss know that I have to be out of there in about fifteen minutes, so if he’s not available to see me, I might as well leave now and he can call me to reschedule the meeting.

This news probably doesn’t sit too well with him, because he pops out into the waiting area in about a minute and motions for me to follow him into the inner office. No smile, no handshake, no pleasantries, no nothing. I guess this isn’t a job interview. I follow him into the office, which looks like the interior of one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces. He’s obviously spent some of his own money bringing in fancy stuff because the last time I was in this room was to meet with his predecessor who was then Myra’s boss – at that time, it looked like a typical government office.

I must admit that Seymour looks grand. When I first started practicing I was involved in a Federal criminal case where one of the defendants flew out here from New York for each appearance. He was sartorially splendid. The leather in his watchband matched the leather in his shoes. The silk in his necktie matched the silk in his breast pocket handkerchief. His suit looked like it was hand-sewed on him while he stood there. I’m sure he was in the upper levels of organized crime because his last name ended in a vowel and attorney Oscar Goodman (who was subsequently elected as the mayor of Las Vegas) represented him,.

Seymour’s appearance is a few pegs below the crime boss’ but it’s still nice to look at, including the bright yellow suspenders he exhibits when removing his jacket to sit down behind that big expensive desk.

We aren’t alone in the room. Sitting next to him is his trusted aide, the kissing law student. No introduction is made, but none is necessary. I know exactly who this guy is. He’s in my photo scrapbook.

Seymour doesn’t waste any time. As soon as I’m seated, he begins what is obviously a prepared speech. I can tell this isn’t going to be a social event by his first word. It’s my last name. That’s big indication that his gloves are off and I’m probably in for a scolding from the big bad District Attorney.

“Sharp, I know who you are and that you were once married to my opponent in this race for District Attorney. I’m going to make this brief and to the point. I can be a good friend or a bad enemy… it’s your choice. If you play along with me, report to me exactly what every one of her campaign plans are and don’t try any bandstand tactics to get her elected, then you can have a good riend in this office – and that can mean a lot to a criminal attorney – access to the D.A.