Burning Desires (Blue Bandits MC Book 4) (29 page)

Not that he wasn’t well aware of how Reaper felt about Sarah, the whole damned club knew, but he was surprised that Reaper had said it out loud. Burner had known Reaper a long time and he knew some of what he’d been through in the past and hearing him openly admit his feelings was a new development, one that he wasn’t sure he was fully comfortable with. It made him think about Kelsey and how much he missed her. He rubbed at his chest feeling a sharp pain in it but shook it off.

“She didn’t have a good run with the first time. He did tell her to get rid of the baby if you recall,” Burner reminded Reaper, noting the dark scowl that overtook his face as he spoke.

“Yeah, don’t fucking remind me, that shit still makes me want to hunt that asshole down. I can’t believe the motherfucker actually gave her two thousand credits and said go get rid of it like neither one of them mattered,” Reaper snarled, his hands fisted and his jaw tight.

“I don’t blame you for that, it’s really fucked up when a man doesn’t take care of his responsibilities, but that’s why she was so frightened about telling you, not because she doesn’t know how much she means to you. Sarah knows you care greatly for her but what she went through the first time she was pregnant left a scar or two. They were bound to show sometime,” Burner told him, unable to say the word love because for some reason it made his mind go straight to Kelsey and all the hateful shit he’d said to her a few weeks ago. Fuck, he missed her and sleeping in her bed without her wasn’t making it better like he’d hoped it would.

“Yeah, you’re right. I just can’t get past the fact that she could think I would ever not want our child,” Reaper said, cutting through his thoughts to bring Burner’s attention back to him.

Sarah walked out on the porch, her face shadowed by the poor lighting. Reaper moved towards her, his look questioning.

“Josh wants his ‘
Eaper da
to read him a story,” Sarah said, a little laugh escaping her.

“Didn’t you already start reading him one?” Reaper asked, coming to a halt in front of her and reaching out as if he was unable to stop himself from touching her, his hand smoothing over her still only slightly rounded stomach.

Burner watched as Sarah laid her hand over Reaper’s, her face tilting so the light hit it, and he could see the soft look on her face. Burner felt almost intrusive on the couple’s private moment like he so often did when he was around them.

“Oh, I read the whole book, but then he insisted that ‘Eaper da read him one too.”

“Fine, I’ll read him one but that’s it. Then it’s time for bed.”

“I already told him and he’s up there picking one out. Most likely one of the longer ones,” Sarah said smiling at him.

“Little stinker. Burner, don’t leave. I still haven’t talked to you about the other thing I had you come over for. It shouldn’t take me long to read him a story,” Reaper said, turning to look at him. Burner nodded and Reaper disappeared into the house while Sarah walked over to take a seat beside him. For a moment they just sat there looking out at the night, but Burner should have known it wouldn’t last.

Chapter Twenty-two

“You know you’re not fooling anyone that you’re doing okay, right?” Sarah finally asked him as she leaned over resting her head on his shoulder. Burner let out a loud sigh knowing he should have expected this from her. Sarah had become an annoying little sister since he’d gotten to know her over the past year and a half and he should have known she was going to talk to him about his attitude.

“I never told you I was okay,” Burner muttered, letting her lean on him.

“No, you didn’t but I didn’t mean from what happened when you were with the Headhunters, Burner,” Sarah told him, making him twist to try to look at her because her words didn’t make any sense.

“What do you mean then?”

“I’m talking about the woman whose bed you’ve been sleeping in.” Sarah sat up and turned until her eyes met his in the low light from the one bulb hanging from the ceiling of the porch.

“That’s not something I want to discuss with you, Sarah.” Burner tensed, his body moving to try and put space between them, feeling raw from the questions he could feel brewing in Sarah that he didn’t want to answer.

“Too bad.”

“How do you even know about Kelsey anyway?” he demanded, and she just tilted her head giving him a look that said he should know that nothing was a secret when the club was involved. 

“Is that really something you’re surprised I know? Stop avoiding the question and tell me why you’re staying at her house. Did she break it off with you?” Sarah asked.

“No, I did,” he snapped. His body too tense to stay still, he found himself jumping up to pace in front of her, his shoulders feeling tight and his body restless.

“I see and I’m guessing that it’s because of what you went through with the Headhunters that you did that because if you’re sleeping in her bed while she’s gone, it’s not because you don’t want her, now is it?” Sarah shifted on the bench putting her feet up on it, observing him carefully while Burner glared at her.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” Burner snarled, his back straightening. He couldn’t seem to stop thinking about Kelsey all the sudden. Sarah’s questions were getting under his skin and he narrowed his eyes, glowering at her.

“I heard that but I do want to talk about it, Burner, and you need to.”

He wanted to deny that he needed to talk about it except Sarah was right. Burner knew that her words made his emotions even more conflicted than they already were. He felt his lips tighten and he glanced out at the silent street, his hand rubbing his neck.

“I––fuck, I don’t know.” Leaning forward on the railing, his elbows resting there, he glanced from her to the house across the street that was dark and still. He felt a little like that house, as if he were abandoned by his owners to sit and wait in silence, while they did whatever they needed to do before returning to him. Only he was the owner and he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to return from the hell he’d lived for over two years. These thoughts made him ache inside and he almost couldn’t breathe.

“You do know, Burner. You’re just struggling with it,” Sarah whispered, making him turn to gaze at her for a long moment.

“I’m struggling, but not the way you think. It’s not that I don’t know what I feel. I mean hell, I sleep in her bed every night just so I can be surrounded by her smell.” Burner laughed self-derisively, turning away to contemplate what he’d just admitted. 

They stayed like that for a moment with him staring out at the house and her sitting behind him watching his every move, before she asked, “Does she know what you had to do for the club or have you kept her in the dark about it?”

“She knows some of it,” Burner offered, unwilling to talk about this with Sarah. It made him realize how easy it had been to talk to Kelsey about it the night he’d told her, even when he was protecting her from the darker parts.

“Right, so then she’s aware that you aren’t just an asshole. That’s good.”

Burner couldn’t help the snort of laughter that escaped him at that firmly worded set-down. He knew that Sarah always spoke her mind; it was one of the things he’d always liked about her. Even when it was annoying like it was at the moment, he much preferred that to evasion and pussy-footing around the issue.

“You’re hurting because the things you were forced to do went against your moral code. It’s why you used to drink or fuck yourself to sleep every night so you could deal with it.” Sarah spoke from beside him and he jumped a little when her hand landed on his shoulder

“How do you read me so well?” he asked her, a slight frown tilting the corners of his mouth.

“I don’t know how I do it, I just do.” She shrugged, her smile a little sly and he suspected she knew more than she was telling him but he didn’t press her. “I also know that over the past few weeks you haven’t touched another woman since you started seeing her. And except for a few nights last week you haven’t been drinking much either. Why do you suppose that is? Kelsey isn’t here to see you fuck around and she left town so nothing is really holding you back.”

Burner felt lost suddenly and it was as if her words unleashed a storm inside him that battered against him leaving him sore and confused.

“Why not fuck around Burner?” Sarah demanded.

Anger spiked in him at the thought of betraying Kelsey that way even if she wasn’t here to see it and he found himself blurting out, “I won’t fuck around with another woman when the one I want isn’t here.”

Burner suddenly realized that it was true, he didn’t want another woman, he wanted Kelsey.
Well fuck
. He could never really have her with the shit he’d done, it wouldn’t be right to corrupt her with the anguish he’d put so many women through.

“That’s why you should go after her like I told you to,” Sarah said grinning.

“I can’t, Sarah. You don’t know the things I’ve done. I don’t deserve her.”

“Right, so you’re okay with another man having her then?”

“
Fuck no
,” he bellowed, unable to contain the rage that burst through him at even the thought of another man touching her. Only he couldn’t expect her to never allow another man to touch her. Fuck, what a mess.

“Then go get her, idiot,” Sarah grunted, shaking her head as she punched him in the arm hard enough that he rubbed it because it hurt.

“I told you, I can’t. You know the gist of what happened with the Headhunters. I had to do terrible things when I was there and I can’t sully her with those things. I just can’t, she’s too good for that.” Burner grimaced, his eyes shutting briefly. He couldn’t believe the pain the thought of never touching her again could unleash. Burner knew he had to let her go but he wasn’t sure if he would be able to stop feeling so possessive of her and that would become a problem. The minute another man showed interest in her, he would lose his mind and he might just go off the deep end.
Shit
, what the hell was he going to do when that happened?

“You can, Burner.” Sarah’s eyes were solemn and she frowned.

“Not after all I’ve done or didn’t do,” he muttered, shaking his head. He couldn’t be the man she needed, the white knight. It just wasn’t who he was and it really never had been, even before he joined the Headhunters to ferret out the mole.

“I get that the things you did while with the Headhunters torments you but that’s what sets you apart from them. None of them are affected by what they’ve done in the least. They don’t care that they were hurting or murdering the women and children they abused. You do. It broke you to just be around it even knowing that it was the only way to stop them.” Sarah reached out cupping his cheek, forcing him to meet her eyes. “Burner, you can’t let it own you.”

“I allowed those things to happen in front of me, Sarah. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t get a sick pleasure from it like they did. I didn’t stop it from happening and that makes me just as bad as them.” He pulled away from her and rubbed his hand over his face trying to erase the memories that flooded him.

“Burner, do you think that even one of those women would begrudge you the act you were forced to play? Because I can tell you if they knew what you suffered for them, they wouldn’t. Women are stronger than men give us credit for and just because you’re physically stronger and we are easier to hurt because of that doesn’t make us weak. How many of them would still be in the hands of the monsters you think you have become if it wasn’t for you? How many, Burner?” Sarah paused here, her hands jerking on his arm to get him to look at her again, seeing sorrow in her eyes that he knew was because of the poison she knew was eating him up inside. It ripped him open, leaving him exposed, and he didn’t like feeling that way. He didn’t want her to feel sad or upset that he was hurting any more than he wanted Kelsey to.

“And if you had stood up and stopped the abuse to even one woman while you were with them, what would the Headhunters have done?” Sarah added before he could say anything.

Burner stared at her wondering what the heck she was getting at. “You know they would have killed me, Sarah.”

“Exactly my point, Burner. They would have killed you, and not quickly I would wager, leaving hundreds of women the Bandits saved because of information
you
gave them to suffer harsher fates than the ones they now have. Yes, you had to play a part and it’s ripped your soul in half because
you’re a good man
despite the things you were forced to do to help them. Don’t let the Headhunters steal the little ray of happiness you can now have for yourself. If they’re allowed to poison you against being happy, then they’ve won. You’re better than that, I know you are.” Sarah voice was filled with determination to make him see her point.

Burner let those words sink in as he leaned on the railing again staring into the darkness, feeling a shift inside him. He suddenly realized that he was allowing them to hurt not only him but Kelsey too. She made him happy in ways he never thought he would ever be happy again and he’d hurt her badly. So badly that she’d run and he was the cause and all because he was still fucked up over something he couldn’t change. Something that he’d done to try and help stop a group of despicable men, something he should be proud of but instead was ashamed of.

He wasn’t going to allow it to ruin him and that was when the last piece clicked inside him making him realize that Sarah was right. He needed to go after her and beg her to forgive him. He couldn’t imagine not being able to hold her in his arms again, or see her in the arms of another man; even the mere thought sent heated anger spilling down his spine.

He turned to Sarah, his own revelation making a grin spread over his face as he leaned forward grabbing her around the waist to lift her up, spinning her around a little.

“Ugg, put me down, Burner, and stop spinning, you’re making me want to vomit.” Sarah laughed as she hit his shoulders, a happy grin on her face as he set her down still holding onto her waist.