Bullied (24 page)

Few children who commit violent crimes have any instructions in the principles of right and wrong, or, as the author had, instructions in religion and the Ten Commandments. The majority of school shooters, some of which even shoot members of their own family, live in small, tightly knit, homogeneous rural and suburban communities where standing out as being “different” for any reason can be painful.

The authors of many books on the subject, such as psychologists and other writers, maintain that school shooters are looking for a status oriented, masculinity enhancing final event in their life that will send them out in a “blaze of glory” and end their torment in a way that somehow reclaims their social standing. In reality, school shooters are most likely very angry but weak, isolated and loner students who had been easy to pick on, bully and beat up, using guns as a final act to end their miserable, brutalized and devalued lives, because that is the way I felt.

For many years, as I experienced, a bullied child has daily overpowering fear and an obsessive quest for survival. Previous attempts to continue with life may include carrying a knife or gun to school for personal protection but now the victim decides his or her life is no longer worth putting up with overwhelming fear and effort all day every day. A bullied child can end up as a suicide, or worse, a killer of other children and their teachers.

In the opinion of this author, based on personal experience, the school-shooters are most likely, attempting to end their terrible pain forever, while at the same time, demonstrating their anger with a social system deliberately blind to their suffering.

Comments from Michael Moore, the author of
Bowling for Columbine,
when interviewed on television, commented about the high gun usage attributed to cultural differences in our national society. In his opinion, these cultural attitudes are the originating point where the bullies get their motivation for abusing their victims, and where the school shooters get the drive to get revenge on society after enduring many years of pain. As he mentioned, the resulting events of kids killing kids, is the major cause of death for US children today.

As I learned through the fortunate move of my family from New York to Massachusetts, this is another good reason for parents to move and put their children in a different school where no one knows his or her social ranking. When forced to stay in the same local culture for many years, victims get a reputation for being a customary target for this abuse.

After my move, I was very uncaring about my social ranking and it never caused any concern during that time or afterward. Looking back it seems ridiculous that the high school elite and jocks, who usually end up not going on to college or getting advanced degrees, should have ever been persons to envy because of their childish concern with appearance and status. For parents, this is a message they should clearly communicate to their children while, at the same time, planning for their continuing education with B. S. or advanced University degrees as part of this plan. That is the best way out of this primitive cultural trap for the rest of their lives, through education.

Once a student understands the great amount of knowledge available at a University that he will never get the opportunity to study, no matter how many courses he or she takes to get their degree, they understand the only real important differentiator that there is between humans, knowledge. It does not come to a person because of their height, good looks, athletic status, wealth or any other factor. It takes a great deal of effort and it will determine your true ranking within society, should you still be interested in that nonsense. Most likely, after obtaining a good education at a College or University, you will not.

Since I was the victim of bullying in many forms for many years, I wanted to tell my story, in the first person, over that period to give insight into the sometimes illogical and, over the years, gradually changing mental processes and long lasting impact on the adult personality from childhood violence and abuse. In this story, an innocent child with devoted single parent and grandparents, growing up in what appeared to be a model community, and attending a parochial school, in a simple quest for personal survival nearly turned into a school shooter because of daily personal violence inflicted upon him by a local culture of ego driven bullying.

Parents reading this book may have their children growing up in much less favorable conditions than the author had as a child. If this is the case, the parent or parents should be even more concerned and become more personally involved in the daily activities of their children regarding bullying. They must develop a regular schedule, perceived by the child as a normal event, for discussing their child’s personal life in and out of school and with family members. This, in the opinion of the author, is the best way to be involved with the changing mental processes as your child matures.

Naturally, the experiences of children bullied today are going to be somewhat different from my experience but there will be similarities and resulting “red flags” that parents will recognize. After reading this book, these indicators, summarized below, will alert them of what is possibly happening in the daily lives of their precious offspring, without their knowledge.

I believe that, in spite of what some psychologists write in their books, the parents are the best people to rescue any child from the lifetime impact of bullying. Some of the red flags may also indicate other issues besides being the victims of bullying but since, as a youth, I obsessed over coming up with strategies to avoid the bullying, there were many real reasons why this child adopted certain patterns of behavior.

Since most of the bullying happened on the way to school, at school, or coming home from school, it was obvious to this child that, if he wanted a violence free day, the best way to do that was to fake any illness so he could stay home. Since my Mother was a hard worker who left early in the morning and came home after 5PM, she did not have time in the early morning hours to analyze my claimed illnesses. The easiest sicknesses to claim were a cold and nausea. I tried various other sicknesses using Asthma or Appendicitis but stopped using them because my Mother would become concerned and take me to a Doctor. The last thing I wanted was to go to a Doctor because he might know that I was faking the illness. My normal number of absences from school was 40 or more days per year.

Since, when at school, the most bullying occurred after school on the way home, the easiest way to avoid this was to attend detention. In the mind of this youth it was only spending an extra hour every day at school to avoid a beating, it seemed worth it. Even when my Mother saw to it that I completed homework assignments, I might simply not turn them in. Infrequently, the bullies might still wait for me but usually only if their friends were with them to witness their victorious domination of a victim.

One of the worst times for a victim receiving bullying is when assembled in large groups waiting for school to open. Most students arrive a few minutes early to avoid being tardy. This is the best time in the day for a group of students to be together so the bully has plenty of witnesses to his planned violent act. In the opinion of the author, the bully needs his friends to see his superiority and dominance of the victim

This scenario is obvious to a bullied child. As early as the third grade, I would leave at the very last minute for the four and a half block walk to school. The goal was to arrive at the school exactly when the bell rang to enter the building. In this way, the bully would also have to enter the school to avoid tardiness. Many times, they would wait for me anyway, in order to deliver a single punch, if no teachers were around, and then run off to class.

When suffering a cut, bruise or other injury, including a broken arm, I would simply claim that, “I fell”. Cuts, visible and hidden bruises, and one broken arm exceeded more than 50 various wounds during my elementary school years. No more than two of them were from accidents.

In the mind of the victim, the main reason for carrying a weapon is to first, give him more confidence and second, perhaps scare off a bully and avoid a beating. As an experienced victim, I soon discovered that, when being bullied, the worst thing to do is show personal fighting capabilities until it is possible to “blind side” the bully. The knife soon became a point of last resort that I almost used at least three times as depicted in the book. This would have most likely resulted in imprisonment. As a small child, I learned how to kill and, at a later age, was prepared to do so, at last resort.

After years of bullying with groups of people around, in the mind of the victim, he searches for ways to avoid people, especially those that intend to bully him. Since physical bullying generally required close contact, a heavy body stench certainly works for the victim in persuading people to avoid any close contact.

As a child, because of the bullying and later, because of puberty, life was very confusing especially when contrasted with the teachings of the Catholic Church. I found that the depression, ADDHD plus the constant daily fear made it necessary for me to isolate myself so I could analyze these feelings. In the mind of this child, there had to be a solution or solutions available that he could identify. As I approached the teen years, I spent most of my time in my room studying how I could defend myself, injure or kill my adversaries. I needed to be alone in my room because I did not want to discuss these issues with my single mother or my grandparents.

Since I endured bullying before the time of the internet, my major source for information was the public library. If the internet had been available as it is today, this would have been my major source for information on many issues. If they had been available, I would have practiced violence with video games, looked up pornographic websites to see what sex was all about and searched for anything that could educate me in how to deal with my bullying adversaries.

My expressed personal focus was on acquiring hunting equipment so I could hunt rabbits or deer. The truth was that I had another potential purpose in mind for my rifle and shotgun. I was fortunate that, with the aid my parent, life changed and that I never felt I must take that last resort.

There are so many published methods of avoiding bullying, usually written by people with no experience in this area. These methods proposed by various psychologists, in my opinion, simply do not work because I tried them all. The next four topics are these popular myths promoted by psychologists and psychiatrists.

From the age of five to fifteen, I tried every way I could to avoid any fight because there was only a small chance that I could win. Most of the people that routinely bullied me were usually at least a foot taller. Every time I tried to walk away, they would attack me from behind because they were determined to demonstrate to themselves that they were a superior person.

Based on my experience, the only thing that eliminates or reduces violence is always being ready to fight. The reason why this strategy worked for me is that the bully wants to fill his own needs without pain. In my view, bullies are trying to prove a point to themselves or others regarding their true lack of personal confidence. That is why they always intimidate persons much smaller and more vulnerable than they are. Once they encounter someone that will cause them pain, most times they will not pursue the fight. Standing your ground and not walking away is the only strategy that worked for me. The Psychologists that promote this strategy of "walking away" have never experienced bullying personally or they would know better.

Bullies may sometimes include the Elite and Jocks but the people that bully are generally anxious and always seeking reinforcement. My years of experience with one Elite person named Donald illustrates how he came from a family that considered themselves elite as well so Donald himself always seemed to need constant reassurance of his status by bullying others.

In another case, Rick, the second oldest brother of six was constantly leading the rest of his brothers and beating up smaller kids. This person obviously felt very insecure because of his lower position as the second oldest. The oldest brother was a very tough and confident person that did not lead the family gang and operated by himself. People that are genuinely tough and confident, in the view of the author, do not need constant reinforcement.

Ten years after I saw Rick last, after graduating from Arizona State University, I was visiting my hometown in New York. While at a bar in one of the neighborhood hangouts, in the door walked the Bully Rick. He sat down directly on my left at the bar. At the time, I was 5’6” tall and weighed 156 pounds. He was about 5’ 10” and weighed about 200 pounds.

He placed a ten-dollar bill on the bar to purchase a beer. I introduced myself to him in a friendly way and then reminded him that he used to beat me up at least once per week. I expected him to respond by calling me a name and laughing. Having him on my left at the bar could not be better because, even though he outweighed me by at least 40 pounds, I could then bench-press approximately 300 pounds and had won my last fight with a boxer by a knockout.