Bulletproof (15 page)

Just as I’d feared, time had run out. Bentley had gotten old enough to start having feelings about the situation. The fact that they were negative feelings was a hard pill to swallow.

CHAPTER 21:

DON’T JUST EXIST,
LIVE

One weekend in September, about nine months after Kyle and I broke up, I went down to Texas with my best friend Raj to visit our friend Casaundra. We spent the weekend hanging out with her and her best friend, a guy named Taylor. I’d actually met Taylor once before, briefly, when the same four of us had happened to be in New Orleans back in spring for a Supercross race. Yes, once again, it came back around to dirt bikes.

The first thing that stood out to me about him was that he had no idea who I was. After he’d been around me for a second and saw people taking pictures of me, he figured out I was on TV. But he never so much as brought it up. He just treated me like I was Maci, some girl he’d met with his friends. It was a breath of fresh air to be around someone new, who didn’t give a shit about the TV show I was on.

Down in Texas, as the weekend went on, I thought, “I kind of like this guy.” We all had a really good time, and to me it was obvious he was a big part of the reason. It wasn’t like hearts flew out of my eyes, but I really liked him. As far as I could tell, everybody did. It seemed like everywhere we went, everyone loved Taylor. I was impressed and kind of intrigued. I liked the way he carried himself and put everyone at ease.

Since Kyle, I hadn’t talked to anyone or dated anyone that I’d been interested in. But Taylor was different. I’d never spent time with a guy who was so completely easy to be around. He was down for whatever, no demands and no complaints. I’ve always tried to be friends with everybody. I don’t do gossip or drama, and I like to have a good time with a minimum of negativity. But people can be a pain in the ass. There’s always someone dying to share their negativity with you or put the brakes on a fun night when they get mad about something. But Taylor seemed to have the same attitude as me. He was just down for the ride and wanted things to be cool.

The four of us hit it off so well that he was actually the one to drive Raj and me to the airport when we left. As we said goodbye, I knew that I wouldn’t mind seeing him again. At some point during the weekend when we’d all been hanging out and running around, I’d gotten his number. Sometime after I got home, I started texting him. He texted me back, and after that the conversation never stopped.

Casaundra and Taylor made plans to come down to Chattanooga for Halloween. Once again, we all had a really good time all weekend. After almost two months of flirting over text, we got a chance to flirt in real life.

The last night before Taylor and Casaundra went home was Halloween night, and we had a big party. Taylor and Raj dressed up as nerds in high-water khaki pants, glasses, polo shirts and suspenders. Plus some weird socks. And three of my good friends and I decided to be Ninja Turtles. None of us wanted to do the skanky costume thing, but we didn’t want to be full-fledged turtles, either. So we made it cute. We had tank tops in the perfect turtle green with Ninja Turtle abs spray-painted on the front, and tall green socks to match. Then we all had spandex shorts in the turtle colors. I was Leonardo, so mine were blue. I had a blue bandana tied around my forehead karate style, blue bands around my elbows and knees, and blue Converse sneakers. For the shells, we went to Wal-Mart and got some of those huge foil roasting pans, spray-painted them green, and tied them on like backpacks. And then we got our weapons. It turned out amazing.

When everyone had left or gone to sleep, Taylor and I lay down in the one bed left and talked all night. Even though we were alone in a bed and there’d been plenty of drinking, he never tried to kiss me or creep close to me or anything like that. I’ve never been one to get physically involved with someone outside of a relationship, but most guys will try something. I had so much respect for him that he was able to hold a conversation with me without the slightest hint of pressure to do anything but talk. You have to give credit to a guy who can resist putting the moves on a Ninja Turtle. We just had a great time with each other, and when he left the next day, I got that feeling like we’d made a connection.

Raj and I planned another trip to Texas for late November. Leading up to that, Taylor and I started to chat more about dating and relationships. By the time Raj and I went back down to visit, it was obvious we were interested in each other. We didn’t say anything about it, but it was pretty plain to see. I spent every night that weekend in Taylor’s room, although somehow we didn’t do anything more than kiss. Once again, he was just totally laid back and made me feel like he wasn’t expecting to get anything physical from me. By the end of it, I was even starting to get a little weirded out. I was like, “Why hasn’t he even tried anything yet? Is he not even thinking about it? This is getting awkward.” Finally I brought it up.

“I just respect you and what you wanna do,” he said, “so I’m not gonna push you to do anything.” After we talked for awhile, I realized that just as much as I respected him not trying anything, he respected me for the same reason. If I didn’t want to give it up, he’d only respect me more.

And that was good, because as I told him: “Until we’re serious or I just can’t take it anymore, you’re not getting anything out of me.” I wasn’t trying to put him to the test, but it was nice to know he could handle it. When I went back home to Chattanooga, it felt like a good cliffhanger. We were both dying for the next chapter.

The next time I went back to Texas was in December, right around Christmas time. Taylor asked me to be his girlfriend, and there we went. It was official. Before I knew it I ended up at his house when his whole family was there for dinner, so I met them all. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I was freaking out a little bit inside, but at that point I felt like I knew him so well that I knew it was going to be okay. In fact, I already wanted to meet them. I figured if I liked him and his morals and beliefs and how he feels about life, I was more than likely going to like his parents. And I did. The crazy thing was that they reminded me of my own parents. To me that was nothing but a good sign, and we just kept going from there.

Long-distance relationships are kind of nice when they start out long-distance. All we did was talk and text all the time, and I got to know so much about him before we really even got started in person. And we got to do it without friends being involved or photos being all over social media. Nobody had input into our relationship as it started except the two of us. In a way, it was sort of an old-fashioned courtship. It was a nice way to get to know each other without all of the bullshit that can get in the way.

Our personalities and our way of interacting with each other made long-distance easier. From the beginning, it was a more mature and adult relationship than anything I’d ever experienced. There was no drama, and he was never playing games. There was no “I’m not gonna text him first today” or “I’m waiting to call back so she doesn’t think I’m too eager.” None of that, ever, at all. He was open and honest with me, and I knew he was taking it seriously. I never once had to doubt what his motives were, and it was really nice.

As the months went by and we only got closer and more serious, I started letting Taylor and Bentley get to know each other a little bit. I’d take Bentley down to Texas every other time I went down on business, or on school breaks we’d drive the thirteen hours and stay there for about a week. They got to spend enough time together for us all to know that they were going to get along just fine.

After a year and a half, we were over that. It was time to get serious about what we wanted to do next. But I wasn’t about to move Bentley halfway across the country. So all I could say was, “Are we going to break up, or are we going to figure out how to get you out here?” We both decided that we wanted to stay together, and he was ready to take that step. For the next four or five months, our focus was on saving money, finding him a job, and figuring out the right time to take the plunge. In the meantime, we talked a lot about how he’d fit into Bentley’s life, and he was definitely nervous about the prospect of growing into more of a father figure rather than just being Bentley’s friend. There were a lot of deep conversations about what he was expecting and what I was expecting.

We probably went overboard trying to prepare, but it was scary. I wound up bracing myself in a way that told me I was carrying a lot more baggage from my past relationships than I even realized. I was afraid of things turning out with Taylor the way they’d been in the past. I was scared that once he moved in we’d end up miserable and start fighting all the time. Or maybe he’d realize he was a commitment-phobe after all and take off for the hills. And part of me was just afraid my life was going to be too much for him all at once. It was hard to wrap my head around him taking on such a huge change. Down in Texas, he was basically a single guy whose only responsibility was his job. Not only that, but he had an awesome life down there. Everybody knew him and liked him, and things were good. Now he was preparing to go from that to being my boyfriend, living with me and my five-year-old kid, in a new place away from his family and his friends. Frankly, I was afraid he was going to get to Chattanooga and freak out. I was waiting for shit to hit the fan.

But it never did. What I liked most about him was exactly what made it work. He’s always been confident, headstrong, and a fighter, in a sense. I was glad to see that he was never interested in giving up or running away from what we’d gotten into. As for him adapting to life in a new city, the man could make friends with a wall. My parents absolutely adored him, and he loved them, too. That was one of the best things I could hope for and had never experienced. With Ryan and Kyle, it wasn’t like my parents ever disliked them, but I sensed that they were mostly just supporting what I wanted. With Taylor, they liked him all on their own. Considering how much respect I always had for their opinions, that was a huge blessing.

I was still going to school when Taylor first moved to Chattanooga, and I felt like I was finally getting a handle on what I could do for a career. While I kept up with the speaking engagements around the country, I ended up moving deeper into social media. After I got so many followers though MTV, I started getting offers from companies to host social media events and things like that. There were lots of opportunities to host chats or be paid by clicks and so on. I started to work on being savvy with my posting, thinking about the best times for certain tweets and other things that could influence how people interacted with them. The work appealed to my problem-solving side. If I wanted to make a post related to babies, I could narrow in a target audience by analyzing the details: Moms in this location who have children from X age to Y age are seeing my tweets at Z time, so that’s where I can get my bang for my buck. There was a surprising amount of satisfaction in solving those puzzles and seeing the results. Since I took to it so well, I started looking into the prospect of becoming a social media specialist.

While I took night classes twice a week to wrap up my media technology degree, Bentley and Taylor were home by themselves. We knew there’d be some challenges and tests involved in Bentley accepting Taylor as a parental figure. They got along fantastically well, but one night Taylor let me know there’d been a couple of times, not a lot, but a few, when he’d told Bentley to behave and Bentley had fired back with “You’re not my dad.”

“Oh, shit,” I thought. “Here we go.” We’d already discussed that it was something that would happen and that we’d have to deal with it right away. But it was something we had to work out with Bentley himself. It took Taylor having a good conversation with him along the lines of, “I’m not your dad, and I’m not trying to replace your dad. But when you say things like that, it hurts my feelings. I am here for you, and even though you might not like what I’m saying, you still have to respect me as an adult and as someone who takes care of you.” Then he told Bentley that if he was ever confused or angry about anything in the world, he could talk to him about it. Taylor said to him, “You won’t be wrong if you can talk about it without being disrespectful.” As soon as they had that conversation, it never happened again. It was clear Bentley felt much more understanding about what was going on. Pretty soon we weren’t just acting like a family. We had become one.

The positivity and respect I found in our relationship were exactly what I’d always hoped for, but it was almost surreal to feel that standard being met after wondering for so long if I was crazy to expect so much. It turned out I hadn’t been crazy at all. It was possible to find someone with warmth and integrity who wanted the same things out of life as I did and who loved spending time with my kid. And I’d done it.

After all I’d been through and all the failures I’d experienced, I finally had someone I could imagine building a life with and not fighting tooth and nail every step of the way. I could see us working together and having fun with the journey, challenges and all. Finally, at long last, I felt like I was part of a team.

And Bentley got more than a teammate. He actually got a new coach. Taylor didn’t just show up to Bentley’s Little League games, he dove right into heading up the team. The kids call him “Coach Taylor,” but Bentley calls him “T-Money.” It’s hilarious. A lot of people at the games probably don’t realize Taylor’s not Bentley’s dad, so they’re probably thinking, “Why is he calling him T-Money?”

It’s all good with us. When Bentley started asking what he should call Taylor “when we get married,” we told him, “Taylor, Dad, T-Money, it’s up to you.” Bentley knows Taylor as a dad, besides the fact that he’s not a biological father. Taylor’s parents too, have been great as far as treating Bentley like he’s their grandchild.

When I saw Taylor take on fatherhood like it was something he actually wanted to figure out and master, it was even better than anything I’d dared to hope for. I tried not to let my thoughts slide over to the same old territory, but the closer Taylor got to settling in as a co-parent, the deeper I felt that old thorn in my side. Where was Ryan? How could he stand it? Didn’t it bother him to see another man filling that role in Bentley’s life when he still couldn’t be counted on to spend some time with the kid over the weekend? And what about later? What if years down the line Ryan did decide he wanted to show up and be a dad? Would all Taylor’s work and sacrifice for Bentley go down the drain?