Bulletproof (9 page)

That was either funny or it wasn’t. It was hard to say. But at the time I rolled with it. “Yeah,” I replied. “To be honest, I already am.”

“WHAT?”

Kyle had known I was a virgin. We’d discussed it, though not in a flirtatious way. There just wasn’t much we hadn’t discussed. But since I stopped talking to Kyle when Ryan and I got serious, he obviously had no idea I’d lost my virginity. He definitely wasn’t prepared to find out I’d gotten engaged and pregnant since the last time I talked to him. I didn’t expect him to be happy about it, and he wasn’t. We didn’t speak again at all.

***

When Bentley was about four or five months old, I made plans to go to a Supercross race that happens every February in Atlanta. I knew Kyle would be there, so I reached out and asked him if he wanted to meet and catch up. I missed having him to talk to. It was almost painful sometimes not having someone to talk to the way I used to talk to him. I’d never needed that sanctuary so bad. Ryan and I were going south fast. I hadn’t given up on us yet. At that point, I was completely determined to save our relationship. But I kept failing, and I was miserable. I felt like I was lost in the weeds, not knowing what to do about anything, and I was too stubborn to turn to anyone around me for help. And apart from all that, I had never wanted to lose Kyle’s friendship completely. I missed him, and if there was a way to talk to him again, I knew I’d be glad.

I was right. Kyle and I picked up right where we left off, except that there was no more flirting or blurred lines. It annoyed him that Ryan had gotten in between us, but he welcomed me back as a friend and had no expectation that we’d be exactly the way we were before. We started talking again. He asked me what was going on, and I told him. In that sense, it was just like before. I opened up and confessed everything I’d been dealing with, including what was going on with Ryan and how hard I’d been struggling to get him to take an interest in Bentley and me as a family. As usual, Kyle didn’t try to make assumptions or tell me what I should do. He was just there to listen.

Even when things got really bad and I was a total downer about my state of affairs, Kyle was always good about not judging me or showing any sort of irritation. I appreciated that. Having been on the other side of conversations with friends who complain and complain and talk about ending relationships but never actually do it, I knew how annoying it was to listen to. But Kyle was as patient and supportive as ever when I needed to vent.

Like most people, Kyle was less than shocked when Ryan and I broke up. To be honest, his reaction was fairly subdued. After hearing so many reports from the roller coaster, he probably thought we were just going to get back together. But once the dust had settled and it was clear that the case was closed, it wasn’t long before Kyle and I got back to our old flirtatious ways. Obviously, a lot had changed in the few years since we’d first gotten close. I wasn’t just your average newly single eighteen-year-old girl. I had a child with my ex-boyfriend, and I hadn’t even started to recover from what a rocky road that had been. I had more reasons than ever to be cautious of starting a new relationship. I also had more reasons than ever to appreciate the trust, friendship, and chemistry I had with Kyle. I didn’t know where it would lead, but I had no desire to change the course.

CHAPTER 12:

IF YOU’RE FEELING

remind me how this distance works

so close yet so far

no plan but to just be us

if you listen it’s perfect

but if you’re feeling

it hurts

remind me how to love again

to be selfless and fearless

warm and excited

if you listen it’s exciting

but if you’re feeling

it’s worry

remind me how to be open

wounded yet numb

willing to be known

if you listen it’s terrifying

but if you’re feeling

it’s strength

you don’t have to remind me

of how we ended up here

listening to my mind

while feeling my heart

so if you’re listening i care about this

and if you’re feeling I’m in love with you.

CHAPTER 13:

HOME IS WHERE YOUR MOM IS

Bentley and I moved back into my parents’ house, which was bittersweet considering the reason, but comforting for the change in atmosphere. Actually, it was in my parents’ house where Bentley had one of his biggest moments. I had him in the kitchen with my mom and my brother, and he was crawling around in the cutest little outfit. While we were all eating and chatting, Bentley started pulling himself up by the edge of the table and sort of walking himself around it.

I got excited right away. Bentley had only started crawling a month or two before that, when he was between eight and nine months old. It was a little later than I’d heard it was supposed to happen, and he never really got as far as moving around on his hands and knees. It was always an army crawl where he’d be on his elbows and his knees, just scooting himself around. That had me a tiny bit worried. But he was fast! It was another interesting little milestone once he figured out how to move himself around, because I got to see what he was really interested in. It was fun just seeing how he explored. And just a few weeks later, when he was around ten months old, he was trying to make his way around the table. I could tell he was getting it figured out, so I said, “Okay, we’ve got to try this.”

My mom and brother and I went and gathered around him just a couple of feet away from each other, and we just took turns holding him up, letting him get his balance, and letting him go. At first he just stood there for a minute, wobbled, and fell over. That happened a couple of times. But then, he finally took his first step.

It was so, so sweet. Even though it was only about a centimeter of a step forward and his feet hadn’t really come off the ground yet, you could see in his face how proud he was that he was doing it. We stayed there and let him practice for a little bit, and then it seemed like thirty minutes later he was running around all over the place. It must be quite a feeling to walk for the first time. No wonder toddlers go so crazy with it. That kind of independence and progress would go to anyone’s head.

I was feeling like I could use a dose of that for myself. So far, I was still wobbling. After I’d had some time to decompress from the breakup and steady myself a little, I wanted to make more of an effort to get off my lonely planet. My friends and family were a big help, and without a failing relationship on my list of daily concerns, I had more time and energy to make room for some fun in my life. My girlfriends convinced me to go out and embrace being single. It didn’t come naturally at first. They almost had to train me back into it. It took a lot of their persuading for me to realize I could do whatever I wanted with my free time now. Without them pushing me, I probably would have just switched back into my “I don’t want a boyfriend” mode indefinitely.

But I wasn’t a high school sophomore anymore. I realized I could go out with friends and talk to guys and flirt, without having to get into a relationship or get physical. Neither one of those was a top priority, so it was nice to figure out how fun it could be just to flirt and date as an adult. Of course it’s nice to get that kind of attention, even if there are no real feelings involved. Maybe especially when there are no real feelings involved. I figured out that I had what some people call a guy personality when it came to those kinds of expectations. I wasn’t interested in the seriousness of it. I didn’t even think actual relationships should be overly serious. Of course they required commitment and honesty, but they’re also supposed to be fun. And fun was the only thing I really counted on when I was out meeting new people. My priority was to have a positive mindset and put myself in positive situations. I felt literally no pressure or urgency to hunt for my next man.

Of course, there was something else that came into play. Bentley definitely changed how I looked at relationships. Even if I had been in a hurry to find someone new, it looked like a challenging prospect. It’s difficult to get into relationships when you have a child. You can’t just go around and date all week. You can’t pick up and go to a movie at the drop of a hat. Everything has to be planned and scheduled. And I wouldn’t have been able to see anyone all the time like couples usually do in the beginning, because I wasn’t going to take Bentley to be around someone I didn’t know well. That meant the only time I had to socialize was when Bentley was with Ryan’s parents. There were just a lot of restrictions that would have made it impossible to date in a way that was normal for someone my age.

When you’re eighteen or nineteen and you don’t have a kid, you run around taking chances and exploring. You can be boyfriend and girlfriend without knowing how serious it is, and if it doesn’t work out, you just move on. But when you’re a teen mom, you can only pursue someone if you’re really, really interested, and if they’re serious enough to figure out how to work around the responsibilities and obligations of parenthood. You have to know you’ll be in it for the long haul way sooner than you’d have to know if you didn’t have a kid. That can be very, very tricky. Frankly, it didn’t even seem worth the effort.

I went on a couple of dates after Kyle and I broke up. They were cool guys, but it just didn’t click. When you meet someone, either the connection is there or it’s not. If it’s there, you’ll treat each other right and want to be with each other. If it’s not there, it’s going to be bullshit. I’ve always felt like I could easily decipher the difference between serious interest and “You’re cute and I’m bored, so let’s meet up Saturday night.” I was fine with the second one as long as it was fun, but I never counted on anything more. Especially since the more guys I met and talked to, the clearer that “connection” element became in my mind. The fact was I’d never stepped into a relationship without it. With Kyle it was based on friendship, but it was very strong. With Ryan it was based on chemistry and hormones, but that was very strong, too. I had never known what it was like to talk meaningfully to a guy or date a guy without a ridiculously strong connection. So if I was with someone and didn’t feel it, I had no motivation to spend any time taking it farther.

Some of my best friends were going to school in Nashville, and one weekend I went up to visit them. Of course I called Kyle. He wasn’t racing anymore, so he was living there full time. I was thrilled to spend time with him. It felt like we finally had our old connection back, and it was the first time we’d really been able to enjoy it so fully. A lot of things were the same between us, but a lot was different, too. I wasn’t a fifteen-year-old girl anymore. I was an adult, and a mom. And he’d grown up, too. But being with each other brought out something we’d both been missing. After all the crazy stuff I’d been dealing with, he made me feel kind of young again.

The trip brought back the question of the gray area in full force. Things between us were better than ever, so did we want to risk screwing it up? We were still scared to take the plunge. Besides, no matter how strongly I felt about Kyle, I was still scared of jumping into a relationship. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just doing it to fill the void of Ryan being gone. So my intention was to just have fun and make the most of our friendship.

But I was single, and I could do whatever I wanted. It would be a shame to keep wasting that all the time, and I thought, “If I’m gonna kiss anyone, it’s gonna be Kyle.” So before I went back to Chattanooga, I did. It was our first kiss.

That March, my mom offered to watch Bentley for three or four days so I could go down to Panama City with my girlfriends for Spring Break. Some of Kyle’s friends were down there, too, so I invited him to take the trip with me. That was when, just by going with the flow, we finally took the next step. Maybe it was the magic of Spring Break in the air, but that weekend, we basically acted like we were in a relationship. We definitely weren’t just single friends wilding out together. We spent the entire time with each other, and we had such a good time. Once we stopped avoiding it, it was too obvious to ignore: We were totally in love.

When the trip was over and it was time to go home, Kyle had to go back to his town and I had to go back to mine. We knew we were going to miss each other and we were both set on figuring out when we’d be able to meet again. Considering the vibe, it just seemed obvious to make it official. The conversation practically happened on its own. Once we got home, we talked about what to do next. It didn’t take long to get to where we both said, “Why not? If we’re so good together and neither of us is interested in anyone else, why waste any more time?”

And there we went. Almost ten years after we’d met as kids at the motocross track, and three years after we’d started to flirt with a potential romance, Kyle and I were finally together.

***

The idea of getting into a new relationship while being a teen mom to a toddler had always been intimidating, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to go about it. I wasn’t reading any guidebooks regarding that situation. Even though Kyle and I had a history and a strong relationship, I was still hesitant about Bentley and him. I knew it would be a deal breaker if Kyle couldn’t be there for Bentley and be involved. I kind of eased into it. I started testing the waters before things got serious. If Bentley was doing something funny, I’d send Kyle a photo to see how he reacted. Or we’d Skype, and Bentley would be there with me while we talked. That helped me get a feel for how Kyle was taking to him. To my relief, he always seemed very confident about it. It never felt like he was faking it or his enthusiasm was forced. He really seemed to enjoy Bentley and take an interest in him, asking me how he was and what he was doing. That took a lot of pressure off and cleared the way for us to move forward.