Building on Lies (21 page)

Joaquim kept glaring over at Channing, who had re-entered the ballroom. He was on the dance floor, dancing with Bethany. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy as he twirled Bethany around. She was laughing as her blond hair swung around her like a curtain.

“ Earth to Joaquim?" I said to him, turning his face to look at mine.

He smiled. “ Hey, pretty girl”.

“ Oh, you noticed?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

“ I’m sorry. I just can’t stand that guy. He makes it so obvious he likes you," Joaquim muttered. “It’s kind of annoying”.

“ Joaquim, I have no idea what you’re talking about," I said, frustrated.

“ Oh God, Nellie, it’s so obvious Channing Sutton likes you," said Ana, taking another flower from the table, and putting it in Ro’s hair. “ He’s always checking you out in school”.

“ No, he doesn’t!" I said, alarmed, and I looked at Ro.

Ro looked away.

“ It’s true," Ana insisted. “ I don’t know how you’ve never noticed. Anytime we pass him and his friends, he just stares at you”.

“ Ana. I hardly ever see Chan in school," I snapped.

“ Chan?" Joaquim repeated, and he gave me a strange look.

“ Everyone calls him Chan," Ro jumped in. “ But you guys? Why are we talking, when we can be dancing?” She got up, and grabbed Tommy’s hand.

“ Ro, I wanted to eat first…," Tommy protested, but he followed her out onto the dance floor.

Ana went up with Thiago. Joaquim got up, but he still looked annoyed. He held out his hand, and I got up reluctantly. The last thing I wanted to do was dance when Channing was on the dance floor.

Joaquim marched onto the dance floor like a soldier. He stood right next to Channing, and pulled me into arms. It wasn’t a slow song, but Joaquim pressed me close.

Bethany, who was still dancing with Chan, moved away in another direction, but Joaquim seemed to want to make a point because he danced us right next to them again.

“ Joaquim, what the hell is your problem?" I hissed.

“ I want him to realize you’re my girl," Joaquim said, and he squeezed my arm so hard it hurt.

“ Joaquim! Chill out!" I said, angrily. “ You‘re hurting me!”.

I saw Chan’s body go still, and I could tell he was listening.

“ I’m sorry, Nellie," Joaquim said apologetically. “ I didn’t mean to hurt you”.

I walked off the dance floor, and Joaquim followed. “ Nellie, seriously. I’m sorry”.

“ Just get me something to drink," I said, sitting down at the table. We hadn’t been there not even a few minutes and already the dance was going in the wrong direction.

“ OK. What do you want?" Joaquim asked, his shoulders slumped.

“ Just a Coke," I mumbled. He walked off.

Ro came to the table, her face flushed. “ What’s going on?”

“ Where’s Tommy?" I asked, looking around for him.

“ He went to the buffet. But what’s going on with you and Joaquim?”.

“ He’s obsessed with Channing," I said quietly. “ It’s like he suspects something”.

“ Nellie, why do you think Bethany warned you to be careful?" Ro asked. “I don’t know what you and Chan think other people see, but it’s clear as day there’s an attraction between you two. Do you think just because you’re not making eye contact you’re being discreet?”

“ But…we don’t even talk to each other!" I said.

“ It doesn’t matter. It’s like…chemicals react between the two of you. I think it’s really beautiful because I know the truth. But all Joaquim sees is Chan ogling you, and you blushing like a schoolgirl with a crush. Of course he’s getting jealous. I don’t know how he didn’t figure it out at the bowling alley!”

“ What do I do?" I asked.

Ro shrugged, helplessly. “ Stay far away from Channing. At least for tonight. We’re not just talking about Joaquim, after all. You’ve also got Samantha to think about”.

Joaquim returned with my soft drink. He set it down in front of me. Before I could drink it, he took both my hands and kissed them.

“ I’m sorry for being an idiot," he said, softly. “ You just look so beautiful, Nellie. You’re driving me wild”.

“ Joaquim, you’re so silly," I said, but I smiled at him.

“ Finish that, and let’s dance again," he said, stroking my cheek. “I promise you there won’t be any arm squeezing”.

I have to admit, I took my time sipping my drink. I had no desire to see Chan on the dance floor again. I hadn’t seen him with Samantha, but I knew it was only a matter of time.

Luckily, though, the dance floor got so crowded I didn’t see Channing for the next few hours. The Cove kids took over one section of the dance floor, and turned it into a bump grind, booty shaking fest. I danced so much my feet started to hurt.

I even felt comfortable dancing a little dirty with Joaquim. There were too many kids for Channing to see, and it was just harmless dancing.

But then Joaquim pulled me off the dance floor and to a corner of the ballroom, behind the huge marble columns. It was quiet, and kind of isolated.

Joaquim gathered me in his ams and kissed me like he’d never kissed me before. There was passion in this kiss, feeling. I pulled away, shocked.

I couldn’t deny the way Joaquim was looking at me. He was looking straight into my eyes. I swallowed, uncomfortably.

“ Nellie, I just have to know how you feel about me," he said, his voice intense.

“ Joaquim, what do you mean?" I stuttered. I looked around wildly for Ro. My best friend was always around to save me. But she was nowhere around.

“ Nellie, I want to know if you feel the way I do ," he said. “I just want to know if there’s a chance between you and me ”.

There it was. There was no getting around it. Joaquim had hinted for weeks how he felt about me, but he’d never asked me plain and clear like this.

I could lie, as I’d been doing all these months. Just pretend I felt the same way for Joaquim. Wasn’t it what Channing was doing with Samantha? Pretending to feel something he didn’t? Why couldn’t I do the same?

Because it was wrong. Joaquim wasn’t a nut job like Samantha. He was a nice guy who genuinely cared for me. He didn’t deserve to be lied to.

“ I promise you, Nellie, I’ll do anything I can to make you happy," he went on. “ You make me feel on top of the world. And I just can’t hold these feelings back any longer. I want you to be my girl. My girl for all the world to see”.

Why couldn’t it be Channing telling me all this? Why Joaquim?

“ I always have so much fun when I’m with you, Nellie," he said.

“ I have fun with you too, Joaquim," I began.

“ Nelle, I want to be everything for you. I want to make you so happy, happier than you’ve ever been. I want to be all you ever need," he said, intensely.

His words made me want to cry. I’d heard the same things from Chan. But he wasn’t willing to show the world how he felt about me. But here was Joaquim. Willing to be the perfect guy for me.

“ I love you, Nellie," he said, and that’s when I just couldn’t take anymore. I felt tears come on, and all I could do was stare at Joaquim helplessly. I felt so overcome with guilt.

I didn’t answer him. Instead, I turned and ran away from him. I had no idea where I was going because my eyes were blurred with tears. I just felt myself pushing through the crowd, until I was out of the ballroom.

I walked aimlessly until I came to double doors that led outside. I opened it, and was in the middle of one of the garden paths I’d seen earlier. The cold air slowed me down and I stood there in the night air.

It was then I saw Channing and Samantha. They were standing directly in front of me, and I could see them clearly. String lights entwined through the trees were were twinkling above them, all around them, like a scene from a romantic movie.

He was kissing her. And it wasn’t a “ I don’t like you, I’m only with you because you’re crazy” type of kiss. It was a serious kiss. Hands in her hair type of kiss. Her arms wrapped around his waist type of kiss. I could even hear her moaning softly.

I didn’t know what to do. I felt numb, rooted to the stop. I didn’t even feel the cold night breeze. All I could do was stare at the boy I loved kissing someone else.

And then he saw me. He stopped kissing her, and just looked at me, his green eyes glittering. I could even see his nostrils flare, and he looked so guilty I almost felt embarrassed for him.

“ Chan, what is it?" I heard Samantha ask, in her baby doll voice.

She turned to see what he was looking at. I had tears streaming down my face, and I was shivering with cold, but I couldn’t move. It was like a part of me wanted to see how this would all play out, even though another part of me wanted to flee.

“ Nellie," Channing said, and I wanted him to shut up. There was too much feeling in his voice. But I didn’t know if the feeling was love, or guilt or pity.

“ What’s wrong with you?” Samantha asked me, her voice hard. “ Are you a fucking perv, watching other people kiss?”

“ Shut up, Samantha," Channing snapped, and he looked like he wanted to slap her.

“ I’m sorry," was all I could think of to say. “ I didn’t mean to interrupt”.

“ Samantha, let’s go inside," Chan said to her, and he put his arm around her waist. It was so painful, seeing him touch her so intimately.

“ Yeah, babe. Let’s go somewhere a little more private," she said, rolling her eyes.

She shot daggers at me as they walked past. Chan didn’t look at me as he walked inside with her.

Even when they were gone, I stayed where I was. It was only when a breeze blew, chilling me and ruffling my hair I somehow managed to move. I staggered to a nearby bench, and sat down. I put my head in my hands. I could feel tears slipping down, and warming my hands as they fell.

“ Nellie?" I heard Ro’s voice, but it sounded like she was speaking to me from a tunnel, from a far away distance.

“ Nellie, I saw Channing. He told me you were out here. Sweetie, don’t cry," she said, wrapping her arms around me.

“ He was kissing her," I told her, dazed.

“ Nellie, forget that. He told me to tell you to wait for him here. To give him a few minutes," Ro said.

“ He was kissing her, Ro," I repeated.

“ Do you want to wait for him, Nellie? Because, baby, we can go inside, and you can tell him to fuck off," Ro said, angrily. “ You don’t need to hear any of his excuses”.

“ And Joaquim told me he loved me," I said, and that got me crying again.

“ Oh, Nellie," Ro sighed, holding me close.

We were silent. I just let Ro hold me because I really didn’t think I could move.

We heard footsteps, and then it wasn’t Ro holding me. It was Channing. I recognized his scent…his unique smell of of sandalwood, and pine and soap.

“ Ro, can you give us some time?" he asked her.

“ I’m sick of you, Channing Sutton," Ro said, her voice flat. “ Nellie deserves better than this”.

“ I know that," he said, simply.

“ And where’s your precious Samantha?" Ro demanded.

“ She’s with Bethany. But please, Ro. I just want to talk to Nellie. Can you please give us time?" he pleaded softly.

Ro left, and Channing lifted my face to look at his. He kissed my eyes, my cheeks, my lips.

“ I’m so sorry," he murmured. “ I’m sorry you had to see that, Nellie”.

“ Chan, I just don’t understand," I said, my voice ragged. “ You told me you didn’t love her. You were with her because you had to be , not because you wanted to be”.

“ I don’t love her, Nellie," he said. “ Not one little bit.”

“ That’s not how you kiss someone you don’t love," I said, shaking my head.

“ Nellie, I’m sorry you saw me kissing her. I don’t know what else to say. It was wrong, and I’m sorry," he said.

“ Am I just a game to you, Chan?" I asked, willing him to answer me truthfully. “ Am I just some Portuguese girl you want to have fun with? ”

“ No," he said, shaking his head. “ Nellie, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I want to be with you. I love being with you. But Samantha is a huge part of my life, too”.

“ What does mean, Chan?" I cried. “ Because you know what? Joaquim is a big part of my life too. He just told me he loves me, Chan. He wants to be my boyfriend! I could probably be really happy with him. But I’m giving him up to be with you!”

“ This is going to sound so sick, Nellie, but it was you I was thinking of you when I was kissing Samantha. It’s always you. When I hold her, when I kiss her, even the few times I have sex with her. It’s you I see. And I know that’s wrong, and gross, and disgusting, but it’s how it is. I’m not saying you need to accept that, but shit, Nellie. If you could only understand what I feel for you," he said, and he kissed me.

I couldn’t help it, I kissed him back. As awful as it was to kiss a boy who was just kissing someone else a few minutes before, I couldn’t help it. I just loved him too much.

He pulled away first. “ Nellie, we shouldn’t do this anymore. I want you to be happy. And that’s not going to happen with me. I messed up my life two years ago. It’s not fair to drag you into this”.