Brutal (19 page)

As he passed, he leaned his shoulder and did a quick step, catching me hard on my side. Surprised, I lost my balance and fell, sprawling like an idiot as the last players streamed by. I'd landed square on my wrist, and as I sat there rubbing it, the coach stopped and smiled, offering his hand with a chuckle. “Gotta watch out there, girl. Some times the boys don't know how much space they take up.” I stared at his hand, then slapped it away. He frowned. “Hey, now, there's no need for that. I was offering you a hand.”

I stood, brushing myself off. “Go to hell. I need to talk to Colby.”

He smiled. “Well, you're welcome to go into the locker room, but I'd advise against it. Might see something you don't want to.”

“When I want your advice on how to be a macho jerk, I'll ask.” Then I shoved past him and entered the gym. The coach followed, raising his voice for me to stop, but I ignored him and went through the locker room doors.

Deep-voiced laughs and voices clapped against the concrete walls, and the mist of the showers smelled like sweat and fungus as I walked down the far wall, searching down the rows of lockers. Guys stopped what they were doing, some throwing towels over themselves and some not as I
neared the showers. Catcalls followed me, and I realized I might have made a mistake.

By the time I found him, most of the team had followed me back to the showers. Colby stood at the tiled entrance to the steamy section, a towel wrapped around his waist and another smart-ass grin on his face. I breathed. “I slapped Anna.”

He smiled. “Yeah. I guess you did.”

“You almost killed him, Colby.”

He laughed, then glanced at the coach, who was walking down the aisle. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

I smiled, taking a sheet of paper from my back pocket. The one from Ms. Appleway I raised my voice as I held the paper over my head, waving it around. “You did it, and this is a record of every single one of you who was in there when it happened.” I glanced around and was happy to see some very uncomfortable looks on faces.

Colby snatched the paper from me, crumpling it up and throwing it on the wet floor. “You can't touch me, bitch.”

I nodded. “Don't worry, I've got a copy.” I walked away, then turned around again. “And Colby?”

He stared at me from down the aisle.

“I
can
touch you,” I said. Then I walked out.

He didn't say anything. Not a word. Just sat in a front porch
chair staring out at the neighborhood in the late afternoon sunlight. One knee crossed over the other as usual, the empty glass of lemonade on the table next to him replaced by a tumbler of whiskey. I walked up the steps. “Mom drinks wine when things get rough.”

“I'm not your mother.”

Ouch. He was pissed. I hesitated, wondering if I should just go inside, but then sat down next to him, staring out at the same neighborhood. I'm sure we saw different things. “I'm not going to apologize.”

“Then don't, Poe.”

“Well, I'm not.”

“I'm not asking you to.”

“Why not?”

Moments passed, and he took a sip of his drink. “Poe, there's a difference between …” He turned his face toward me, the sun catching it through the branches of the maple tree. “There's a difference between fighting for something you believe in and fighting against something you simply want to destroy.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that if your intention was to humiliate Mr. Halvorson and me today, you succeeded.”

“I just said the truth. If you can't take it, that's your problem.”

“No, Poe, it's not my problem, and that's what you don't understand. You want to change what happens at school, and whether you like it or not, you can't do that without making the school believe in you. You didn't do that today.” He paused. “You didn't show me you were right today, Poe. You showed me how much contempt you have for me and what I believe in.”

“So you're mad.”

“Yes, I am. But it doesn't matter if I am. It matters that you understand what I just explained. You are right, Poe. Benders High needs change.” He paused. “You have a good heart, you care about your friend, and you have that same desire in you as your mother to make things right. But if you allow your contempt for others to control it, you'll drive everything you care about away. You'll be alone, Poe, and you'll fail.”

I sat there thinking. I was right. They were wrong. But I knew my dad wasn't talking about Benders High School. He was talking about us. About us all those years ago when I was a baby. “So basically what you're saying is that you ran away because Mom does what I do. She fucks everything up.” I smirked. “At least she was there. What's your excuse?”

The sprinklers on the lawn across the street popped up and began sprinkling, covering the emerald green in a haze of sparkling mist. He cleared his throat. “I don't have one.”

The tone of his voice made the world stop for me. I looked over at him, and he sat there staring at those sprinklers like a stone-skinned liar with the truth buried so deep inside nothing would let it out. I stood. “I've got to go.”

“Where are you going?”

“I don't know. Out. I need to think.”

I walked and eventually wound my way around town, gravitating
toward Theo's house. I knocked, and Mr. Dorr answered. He smiled, shaking my hand. “Poe. I suppose you're here to sign on to my next reelection campaign? We're always in need of volunteers, and if I'm to crush the opposition, we need fighters on our side.”

“Um, no.”

“Oh. Well, then, you might want to see my son?”

“Yes.”

He stepped aside, sweeping his arm inside. “Come in.” He turned. “THEO!” he bellowed, rattling my eardrums. “POE IS HERE!” He turned back to me, the expression on his face not giving away that he'd just yelled loud enough to shake the windows. “Theo tells me you're giving everybody hell.”

I looked around, then met his eyes. “Yes.”

His eyes twinkled. “I've never known a person with a Mohawk.” He patted his thick and black hair. “Think I could pull it off?”

I smiled. “Not really.”

“Damn. Everybody is so stuffy around here.” He smiled back. “Especially those choir people.”

I laughed. “Theo has talked to you, I take it?”

He nodded. “When your son speaks in metaphorical phrases constantly sometimes it's difficult to discern what happened, but yes, I got the picture.”

Just then, Theo came up the stairs. “Dad, leave her alone.”

Mr. Dorr glanced at Theo. “The prince has arrived. Good luck, Poe.” Then he was off and sauntering down the hall. Theo smiled, pecking me on the lips. “What're you doing here?”

“Out for a walk.”

“So you got in a fight with your dad?” He smiled.

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. No. It was weird. Can I use your phone?”

He nodded. “Sure. I was downstairs in the music room. Come on.”

Once in the room, Theo grabbed his cell and handed it to me, then sat behind his drum set. “So what's up?”

“I need to call somebody.”

He looked at the phone, giving me a cockeyed look. “Sort of figured that out when you asked to use my phone.”

“I'll pay you for it.”

He shrugged. “Money grows on trees around here. Don't sweat it.”

“South America?”

He laughed. “A kiss for each minute. Deal?”

I smiled. “Sure.”

“Want me to leave?”

“Please.”

He got up, touching my shoulder as he walked by. “I'll
be outside the door trying to hear what you say. Just come out when you're done.”

I rolled my eyes. “Jerk.”

“Love you too, honey. Good luck.” Then he was gone, shutting the door behind him.

I dialed. She answered after four rings. “Dr. Holly speaking.”

“Why did Dad leave?”

“What? Poe? What's going on? Are you all right?”

“Why did Dad leave?” I repeated.

“Poe, listen, this is certainly not the time to talk about…”

“Tell me the truth. Why did he leave?”

Her voice lowered, anger brimming to the surface. “What did he say, Poe? What is happening?”

“He didn't say anything, and that's the problem. Neither of you will. So tell me. What did you do?”

“Let me talk to him this instant. Now.”

“No.”

“Why he and I divorced is none of your business, young lady.”

Tears welled in my eyes. “You can't even say his name, can you? It's David, and
he
is my father, and it is my business because I'm part of this family. So tell me why you never even showed me a picture of him. Tell me, Mom.”

The line crackled, and her tone softened. “Poe, I'd really like to talk about this in person. Let's not get into this now.”

“You drove him away, didn't you? You did the same thing to him that you do to me, and now I'm doing it to everybody around me, so tell me.”

“I've told you before, Poe. Your father and I took different paths. We—”

“TELL ME!” I screamed, frightened at how much I sounded like her. “You didn't take different paths! You made it so bad for him he had to leave, didn't you? You hurt him, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!!!”

This time her voice cracked instead of the line. “Poe, please. Calm down.”

Tears streamed down my face. What was I? What was happening? Why couldn't I just be normal? Why couldn't anything work in my life? Why was this rage in me? I sniffed. “You're a liar. You're all stinking liars, and I hate you. I hate you all. You ruin my life and leave me and send me here to live with a man you hate, and you expect me to calm down? Fuck you, Mom. I hate you.”

Silence.

I wiped my nose. “I've got to go. Bye.”

“No. Don't hang up. Please.”

I didn't hang up.

A minute passed. “Are you there?”

I swallowed. “Yes.”

“Poe, I loved your father. He's a compassionate and gentle human being, and I did hurt him. I resented his weaknesses and showed him my contempt when he needed help, and I did end up hating him. I hated him for being afraid, because I was afraid. We were so young. We were pursuing our careers and our dreams, and it just became too much. I was in school, your father was devoted to writing, and I left it to him.”

“Left what to him?”

A long moment passed. “You.”

“What?”

“I was in medical school, Poe. Gone all the time, and the pressure was tremendous. And when I realized he was sacrificing his dream for you, I hated him even more, because I wasn't willing to do it.”

My mind roiled, remembering all the nannies I'd had growing up. “What did you do to him?”

“I found somebody else.”

My stomach sank. “He caught you, didn't he?”

Her voice faltered. “Yes.”

I stood there, stunned. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not with my mom. Not with this man who was my father. My mother had been immune to life's failures forever. She was the most moralistic tightwad I'd ever known. And she'd cheated. All of a sudden, I didn't want the truth anymore. I didn't want to hear her say she was human. She'd never been human. My dad's words ran through me about contempt. About being alone. I realized my mother had always been alone. She never let anybody in, and her contempt kept everybody out. It even kept me out.

“Are you there, Poe?”

“So he left.”

“No. I told him to go.”

“And he came here and hid.”

“Maybe so. I don't know.”

The acid on my tongue burnt. I had to spit it out. “So now you pretend you're good, huh? Better than everybody else? That's why?”

“Poe, that's not fair, and it's not true. I hurt your father, I'm sure I hurt him horribly, but I've come to terms with it, and I hope that he has, too. If he hasn't, though,
I can't be held responsible.” She paused. “What is he telling you?”

“Not this.”

“Poe, please. You've got to understand. It was an affair. We were impetuous and immature, and things like that happen.”

I took a breath, trying to bend my mind around what she was saying. “You know what, Mom? I know how he feels. I know what it feels like to have my own mom care about her stinking patients more than me. I hope South America was worth it.” Then I hung up. I raised my voice to Theo, who I knew was right outside. “You can come in now.”

The door opened, and Theo came in, open-faced and unashamed for listening in. “Wow. You okay?”

I handed him his phone, then slouched on the stool in front of the microphone. “I guess I didn't want to know why he left.”

“What happened?”

“She cheated on him. And she didn't want to take care of me when I was little.” I tapped the microphone with my finger, thinking. “She was in medical school.” I rolled my eyes. “That's always been more important. I remember my nannies more than her.”

“People cheat on people all the time, Poe. She's still your mom.”

“No, Theo, you don't understand. I can't even get a break for stealing a cookie without an hour-long diatribe about how bad I am, but she can go screw some guy while my dad is home taking care of me. That's uncool.” I shook my head. “She won't let anything go, you know? She
expects everybody around her to be perfect, and when they're not, she goes on a rampage. She has like zero tolerance for everybody.”

Theo laughed. “Sounds like somebody I know.”

“Thanks. That makes me feel much better.”

He shrugged. “You feel better knowing you're just like your mom?”

“It's called sarcasm, dummy.”

“I know, but I'm serious.”

“I'd never do that to my dad.” I looked at him. “Or you.”

He furrowed his brow, incredulous. “I've seen you in action, Poe.”

“What does that mean?”

He smiled. “Uh, like today? You ripped your dad a new asshole in that room.”

I looked away. “I've spent my whole life trying to not be like her.”

“So raging against your dad and embarrassing the shit out of him in front of all the dorks of the school who rely on him isn't being like her?”

I remembered all the times my mom would storm into the school office and ream everybody when she had a problem. I also remembered wishing I didn't know her. It was embarrassing. “I don't need this from you right now, Theo.”